How To Pick Someone Up on a Dating App: 

Hey, Hilly Hunks! 

I know it's that time of year. You’re cold and, if you’re a senior, probably 18. You know what that means: time to secretly download the dating app of your dreams. While I may be a Tinder guy, the tips below (including an exclusive look at my very own profile) might just be able to help you find your Valentine. 

With love, 

Your super special, sneakily wonderful, astoundingly perfect helper, 

Hilly

Questions to Start A Conversation: 

1. What’s a girl (or boy! or person!) like you doing on an app like this? 

2. How many children do you feel are morally appropriate?

3. Would you like to be buried or cremated upon your death?

4. Pancakes or waffles?

5. If you were God, would you let people die? 

6. Would you pinch an old woman if it would save a newborn child? 

7. Are Uncrustables a form of ravioli? 

8. Do you believe humans are inherently evil? 

9. Have you lived a good life? Why not?

10. Are you a good person? Why not? 

11. Are humans evolutionarily superior to grass? 

12. Is there an ideal government structure? Why is the answer anarchy?

13. Is cereal with milk a stew?

14. Are you special? Why not? Is anyone? No. 

Pick Up Lines/First Liners:

1. I was going to offer to paint you but you’re clearly already a work of art. 

2. Thank God I’m wearing gloves, because you’re too hot to handle.

3. Wow, we have so much in common. We both have Tinder!

4. Titanic. Sorry that was a horrible ice breaker.

5. Hey girl, did you fall from heaven? Because I would murder my own brother to spend eternity with you in the ninth circle of hell. (That one’s for my Catholic people). I had to look up Dante’s ninth circle.

6. Are you from Wisconsin? ‘Cause you’re the only Tennessee. 

7. Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next boyfriend (or girlfriend! Or partner!). 

Tips and Tricks:

1. Never smile, it shows weakness.

2. Do not be yourself, you are not good enough (impersonate Hilly in all conversations).

3. Always use uncomfortable emojis; throw a yam in there! 🍠

4. Take your time making plans, possibly a few months. 

5. Don’t respond immediately; you never want to show too much interest…hello, desperation!

6. Always go on Tinder on the first date; it’s important to show you have options.

7. Highlight your worst features so there are no surprises later.

8. When in doubt, tell them that your high school advice column taught you everything you know!