62 Questions for Your 52-Year-Old Statistics Teacher

Hey, teachers! It’s Hilly here and usually I just try to write about the important stuff -- promposals and Tinder advice. But, it has come to my attention that the wonderful physio class starring Maddie Gerber has run out of Questions of the Day. And, I know what you’re thinking. “I don’t need help thinking of questions! I will just ask for their favorite ice cream or cereal or what they did over the weekend.” NOT GOOD ENOUGH, I SAY; NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Thus, I have created this comprehensive list of GOOD questions of the day that really get to the root of who your students are. 

1. You’re dead. Someone needs to bring you back to answer questions about your mysterious death and the orange salamander you left in your wake. They have a seance with five items that will bring you back. What five items would make you want to leave heaven to answer someone’s questions?

2. Why would you make a good cult leader? How would you persuade people to join your cult? What is the basic belief of your cult? Why is the government mad at your cult?

3. You suddenly have to get rid of a large, completely filled duffel bag. Where do you hide it, so that no one will ever find it/no one will know you’re the one who put it there? Why is it the Boston DPW salt barn next to Millenium Park? 

4. What tv show theme song do you know word for word? Now sing it.

5. Go around the room and everyone says the next word in Jacob Sartorius' well-known American pop classic “Sweatshirt.” I will start: “Chillin’ with a hair tie/No makeup with some ______” 

6. Suddenly, you die and God says, “Okay, I pass it to you now.” What is your first move? (presume an all-powerful, all-seeing God).

7. You turn your heated blanket up too high on a night with a full moon. You wake up and are invisible! (yes, this is the plot of the book “Things Not Seen,” based almost completely on the amazing, true story of Bobby Phillips). What’s the first thing you do?

8. Can I sue my employer directly? Do I have to sue them?

9. Is anyone a bad person? Are people born bad? Or is badness thrust on them?

10. You can combine any three animals in the world to create the perfect pet. What three animals do you combine? 

11. You fall in love with your dream person; they are your soulmate. Then, they die :(. Luckily, your bestie comes up with a way to clone them the exact same :).  They would be the same age as when they died with the exact same brain :). Is it the same person? Would you still love them? Would you still love them the same?

12. What’s the hardest word to guess in hangman? You must be able to spell it correctly. 

13. Bread or baseball?

14. Movie or elevator?

15. Quicksand or a pea?

16. Is art inherently performative?

17. Are you replaceable? Are you special? Are you different?

18. Does knowing things have value? 

19. Okay, true story: On North Sentinel Island off of India, a group of people likely numbering somewhere between 80 and 150 has been living for centuries with very, very limited human contact. Often, attempts to meet with them have resulted in death. It’s likely that people on this island people are a lot more likely to die in childbirth or from things like heart attacks. But, these people likely do not have the immunity to diseases we do. What is the most ethical/moral solution here? 

20. Does “smartness exist?” Is “genius” quantifiable? 

21. Would you be a different person if you had been given a different name? What if your name, no matter your gender, had been Walter? How would that have changed your life, if at all?

22. You’re in a Socratic seminar about the New York Times bestselling memoir Sal Khan: Life Living Logarithmically, when you realize you never read the book. Your grade is curved and based both on what you say and the entertainment value of the conversation. What three celebrities, dead or alive, do you want in the Socratic seminar?

23. Is it ethical to use strategy when playing tic-tac-toe? Is it kind to only play to win, not for the time spent with friends?

24. Do you want children? 

25. Why do you attempt to impress others? Why is other’s impressions of you so important to you?

26. Do you think anyone hates you?

27. Is it possible for parents to not have favorites?

28. Why must we die?

29. Would being immoral actually be bad or is that just propaganda so that we aren’t sad?

30. Is kindness over encouraged in our society? Under encouraged?

31. What is the best form of merch? Sweatpants? Sweatshirts? What’s the most underrated?

32. Thus far, in what month did your life peak? Why is it April of first grade and June of eighth?

33. Why are you so self-conscious about your weird shaped ears and how they awkwardly stick away from your head?

34. What is your phone's screen time? Why do you spend three hours on tiktok a day?

35. What is your comfort youtube video? Why is it “The Fall of Jake Paul (Official Video)”?

36. Have you been working out consistently?

37. You’ve fallen in love. Following the disappointing clone relationship, you think you’ve finally found that special person you want to grow old with. Then, they tell you they sleepwalk. Wow. How does this change your perception of them? Immediate break-up?

38. Who do you act nice around but secretly dislike?

39. What is your favorite type of Subaru? Why is it the green Crosstrek.

40. Do you complete the surveys that Ms. Ofer sends to you?

41. When’s the last time you felt butterflies?

42. What’s your favorite color of watering can?

43. Do you hand wash your socks?

44. What would you name your boat if you had one?

45. What animated character would you marry if you could? Why is it Scar from the Lion King? 

46. What is your favorite item of clothing?

47. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?

48. How do you like your eggs for dinner?

49. What's your social security number? Mom’s maiden name?

50. What are your views on alcohol, smoking, tattoos, piercings, and swearing?

51. What’s your horoscope? 

52. Are you good at home improvement? Plumbing?

53. What is your favorite nursery rhyme?

54. What’s your favorite filter on social media?

55. If your life were made into a movie, who would play you?

56. How close is your house to the nearest hospital?

57. How far is your house from Minnesota?

58. Is your face symmetrical?

59. What’s your favorite grooming product?

60. Do you plan on paying out of pocket or financing this purchase?

61. What is your favorite song by Grammy award winning artist Taylor Swift?

62. If not this, then what?

Get questioning, you Hilly the Hilltopperites!

With question marks, 

Hilly