Pieces from my journal

Saturday // March 21, 2020

I’m witnessing interesting times; difficult for most nations. We’re not in an emergency state as a country, however in cases when the whole world is, we can’t stay away.

I used to listen to the news on BBC World Service every day in November and December (I still do actually) and while we were having fun at Ver’ n’Dimer, China was losing thousands of people because of the virus. I remember myself thinking of what would happen if this virus touched Kosovo. I always pushed such thoughts away by remembering that China is too far. Well it’s been more than a week that people of Kosovo are self-isolated by the request of the government who took such precautions just in time to minimize the spread.

Unable to organize marches and protests for the political inconveniences that are going on at the moment, the citizens have been protesting from their balconies for three days now by making noise with all kinds of metal objects –pots, pans, spoons, keys.

Sunday // March 29, 2020

Today marks the 18^th day of the lockdown due to the virus. It also happens to be my 19^th birthday.

I usually expect a lot to happen on my birthday. I crave all the attention one can get; I stand on my toes to read all the birthday wishes; I imagine and try to guess the number and kinds of birthday presents I might get; I plan my outfit, my make-up and I straighten my hair; I go through scenarios of conversations I could have with people I’ll meet during the day; I carefully choose a picture I’ll share on social media… and all that.

Today, I was happy to leave home to go to the store to buy one bar of chocolate for my birthday cake; and then I was happy to eat the cake that Mom made for me.

Saturday // April 11, 2020

Some days are harder than others…

I don’t know whether I cried because I was disgusted by the spider that showed up in my room, or because I’m going through an internal conflict of which I’m not aware yet. It’s hard to be as productive as I wish I could be. My sleep schedule is messed up. The food intake and the amount of physical exercise I practice are in deep disproportion. Let me not start with how much I need to be within a crowd.

We visited the grands in Gjakova, and it seems to be the last time for at least a while. Because 20 new cases have tested positive with the virus today (only in Prishtina), the city will be quarantined and closely monitored. Our neighborhood is among the top 3 with the number of people infected.

Monday // April 20, 2020

I’ll hopefully live through this and get to see my grandparents again. My visit always meant so much to them; my phone call is of equal value but in fact, when I analyze our relationship, I’m the one who’s gained a lot from them.

When I video-called granny today, she was sad and tears rolled down her cheeks from time to time. They’ve lived through so much more than I have and I hope that this is the last challenge they face.

In a way… they don’t completely understand me, but then they don’t need to. They taught me universal lessons about life, love, character, loyalty, friendship, marriage, war, freedom, pain, family, education…. And, when I think of the possibility of them being gone tomorrow… and I didn’t give them a single call… I am so ashamed of myself. I allow myself to be overwhelmed by the least important things, but don’t think of calling my grandparents??? Oh my God!

I’d so walk to their house right now. Give them each a tight hug. Let them know that I would be nothing without them. Hold their hands and squeeze their wrinkled faces. Brew them some coffee and listen to them tell me about their life, even if I’ve heard it a hundred times before. I don’t know if I would miss them this way if I were living abroad. Maybe I now understand what my aunt feels. I tried this feeling before when I was in Canada and I know for sure that my heart is always there where my family is and that place will always be the best for me.