A BITTERSWEET PYJAMA PARTY

Who would have thought that my fantasy of attending 8 am lectures in pyjamas would come true? Ironically though, not precisely as I had imagined it to be.

The dominoes started to fall after what I had thought it to be, a two-week lockdown. After a long day of lectures, one can imagine the exhaustion of hearing the news of a complete lockdown, with no returning date to the university whatsoever. With no proper goodbye to my dearest friends, I found myself back in Klina, where a chaotic atmosphere had already taken over, with just a duffel bag of my belongings. My first two takes were genuine concern and personal relief. “At least I’m in my town, and the human interaction is lower than back in Prishtina”, I thought to myself. Soon enough I realized how that relief came to haunt me, since the interaction became the thing I missed most. Having no previous experience in such disastrous circumstances, I excuse myself for not considering the worst-case scenarios. I tended to look at some things as permanent fixtures that no one could ever take away: a coffee with my friends, an early morning lecture, an alarm that irritates my being at 7:00 am in the morning, the comfort zone I so enjoyed - they were all gone with the blink of an eye.

Weeks before the isolation, I had read an article by Tomas Pueyo on the exponential speed the virus was spreading. It was a thorough and terrifying research on how many cases of coronavirus would be in my area in the following weeks. When I shared the article with my friends, soon enough the worries were gone. In our little balcony of the department, we had laughed away the possibility of the virus spreading in Kosovo. On my way home, I remember reminiscing such times. I could notice a distant feeling settling in - I did not hug my dad hello, nor did he attempt at hugging me. We were both worried about each other. Now, I certainly do laugh at our attempt of keeping the distance while being on the same car - but excuse us, since the way the virus operates was all unknown back then. Before we got home, we made a stop at the market. I could sense the anxiety that had taken over my dad, yet it was far better from what we encountered once we entered in. Anxious, confused, and eager to get as much as they could afford, you could sense the terror that had taken over people. ‘Is it really that bad?’, I asked, as the happiness of the two-weeks off was troubling my thoughts. ‘We don’t know Nita’ my dad replied, ‘But I best make sure we’re good for some weeks’. It then hit me, I was certainly not on for a two week vacation.

It was on November that I had decided to spend my summer in the US. I had made all the needed preparations, and like an excited child, was counting the days. Before we get to this heartbreak, let me tell you of how I had taken for granted the significance of human interaction. Before our first online class, me and my four close friends were testing how the Meet works. I remember we had a great laugh, I was in my bed, in my pyjamas. This is actually comfortable, I thought to myself. The next day came, I made me some coffee, got me a notepad and granted myself all the conformity I could. It wasn’t that much of the fun we had experienced a night ago, since the discussion was tougher to maintain, and even at times I had opinions to share, I would rather remain silent. Days went by, and the whole process started feeling more and more normal. I kept missing the interaction, the normality which we were living in just some weeks prior. Nevertheless, I came face to face with my own sense of entitlement— I haven’t gone through anything, and even this is not anything compared with those who are out of work, those who are losing family members, or those who are forced to work meeting needs and saving lives, I kept telling myself.

We were all together in a new abridged version of living, however, each at our own pace. The socials were filled with people bragging about the books they were reading, the online courses they were taking—few were the ones who dared to display the real struggles we were experiencing. While I applaud the ones who were using the time for their own growth, I sympathize with the ones who experienced immense mental, physical and social distress, since I was both. Caught up in a motionless state of being, lost in a land of dates and time, feeling isolated and trapped, is a lot to handle. My summer plans were already ruined, I was to remain home, with the US plans shred to pieces. Having yet not learnt the lesson, the failure of the plan caused a massive disappointment, without me realizing that I already had a lot to be grateful for. A striking moment in my consciousness was when I finally opened my eyes to see how the pandemic was affecting the people around me. Some of my friends’ families now lacked an income since neither of their parent’s job afforded the ability to work from home. The mother of another friend was a nurse who worked 12 hours per day, taking care of infected patients, and having no interaction at home with her family at all. A close friend lost his mother, and at times of social distancing requirements, the process of mourning was an arduous journey, for the both of us. Times like these were destructive in more ways than one, but only one way could be treated at a time.

I learnt to take one day at a time. There was a continuous cycle of heartbreak whenever I turned on the TV, whenever I heard of another relative struggling, or friend reaching out. However, being home, surrounded with nothing but pure love, I found happiness in the daily guitar sessions in the garden, with my little brother dancing around. There were times that my neighbors would request another song, while video-chatting with their family members abroad. We were all in this together, and I found myself drifting out of me to wonder about those who were being sick and serving the sick while I had the opportunity to do nothing but better myself, at a pace I controlled.

Looking back, with all the experience in mind, I have learnt that this is a time to be grateful –to be grateful for - nothing beyond this moment. While plans are not carved in stone and we get too caught up in the daily struggles, we lose sight of the most important things in life: family, health, love and friendship—these four elements of life make a striking difference, however dark these unprecedented times are. While this pandemic showed us the flip side of life, it also showed us how to value our lives, and this is the lesson I will embrace for the rest of my life. The unexpectedness of the previous year has molded me into a more resilient individual. Nevertheless, I don’t have the answer of where we go from here—what I know is that the pandemic has shed a glaring light on the need for essential changes, both in the personal and national level, especially in the healthcare, economical and educational aspects, and I am ready to play my part. The bitterness of the conformity of attending classes in pyjamas while not having to leave the house once, was the lack of a main component of my adult life, and that is, interaction. This being said, I like to believe that the experience as a whole has prepared me to live with misfortune wisely and humanely when it comes, all while taking time to be grateful and never taking for granted the things life has blessed me with.