Looking back at the experience of the death of a loved one during quarantine

I begin writing with tears streaming down my face and a couple of tissues in my hand, barely even seeing the letters of the keyboard. The pandemic changed nearly everything about our life. For families facing loss, that meant inability to gather with relatives and grieve as they normally would -- even if coronavirus is not the specific cause of death. ’’Grandmothers are a treasure in one’s life’’ this is what I always say because I wholeheartedly believe it. I have this opinion because of my grandmother. She was the source of my comfort and joy. The love I had for her new no limits. She raised me in the best and warmest way possible, thus her passing away shattered my life.

It had been years that I had been living with the fear of her death. She had been so sick for 6 years that I was relieved to wake up each morning and see she made it through the night. However, simultaneously with the happiness came the worries, would she still be here when I would come back from school? Would she be there to answer my call while I was away? The fear of losing her frightened me to no end that it became part of me. It would always be in the back of my mind no matter what I was engaged in or where I was, so much so, it ruined the possibility of enjoying anything that I was doing.

Grieving is a process we all experience in our life, sooner or later. The pain we feel can never really pass or be forgotten, we just get used to it. Losing for forever someone you truly love with all your being is never the right time, but I can say she ‘’chose’’ to leave during the worst time, while I was at a bad place. It was the beginning of the lockdown. Everything was so chaotic in the world and in my head. There was so much going on in the world outside and inside my head. I was at such a dark place mentally, I was already really stressed about the pandemic situation, worried about online classes and about how it would affect my studies, thus my favorite person passing away during such a time was ‘’the cherry on top’’.

The lockdown had already started, no visiting our relatives, no going out for a walk to clear one’s mind, no nothing. March 18th came by and we had already started online lectures. I remember this day specifically. I woke up feeling sad and with a heavy chest, but I blamed it all on the stress that I was going through those days. On one hand, I was stressed about some homework which I did not know how to submit and on the other hand, I had lectures to attend all of which I was doing while having some sort of a bad feeling. With hours passing by that day, the heavy feeling on my chest became heavier and heavier. I could not sit I could not stand, as we say in Albanian ‘’nuk mu zike vendi ven’’.

Going through such a loss at the time of a lockdown was extremely difficult for me for two reasons. Firstly, this was my first experience with death and grieving a loved one. The first experience hit me hard with the most important person in my life, so one can imagine how shattering that was for me. I did not know how to act, I was all over the place. Secondly, being an extrovert, I need people around me to go through tough times. Being locked in house where everything reminds me of her, was just adding salt to my wound. I am a person whose one way of dealing with negative emotions is going out for a walk with someone, and so as one can draw conclusions, I was robbed of that opportunity. There wasn’t a day I wouldn’t wish we weren’t in quarantine, so I could at least attend the lectures physically and I would have gotten out of the environment where everyone was grieving and everything would feel as a big slap of sadness in my face.

This experience made me realize that I was way too dependent on people, which is never a good thing. Of course, there were my other family members to whom I could talk to, but all of us were dealing with grieve and I did not want to burden them with my breakdowns. I am the oldest child of my family too, so I had to be a ‘’model’’ for my siblings and had to put up a strong persona. Sure, I could talk to people on the phone, but it was not the same as being physically there or going for a walk and letting it all out.

In my 20 years of life, those few months were the hardest of my life. I felt extremely alone with a house full of people, I felt sad and everything triggered me. However, I still managed to get through it. It took me quite some time, but I got out of those dark months. It made me realize how I had relied on other people so much, when in reality I was the only one, who no matter what, would be there for me. It made me realize that I was actually strong enough to pass everything life threw in my direction. It was a really hard experience for me but at the end of the day it certainly made me way stronger, it did teach me a lot, and I am glad I could manage to learn from it. Now, every time I go through a difficult trial in my life and I am at the edge and ready to give up, I always remember that I have gotten through worse time and I always try to remember that I am never thrown something that I cannot handle.