A letter to the person I was 10 months ago

“This is terrific. A two week break.”- is a journal entry I found on my phone on the 11^th march, 11:50. Certainly, I have never bothered with writing before, so I must have been over the moon in this case. Hysterical, even, at all the memes shared all over the internet. I related to all of them, particularly the ones saying this pandemic does not change me. Fast forward to almost a year later and I almost cannot recognize the person I was at the time. She and I share no common ground. I wish to not look down upon her though, for after all I am writing this letter to her. She has made quite some progress, perhaps not of the most groundbreaking kind but enough to acknowledge and perhaps even thank her for. I cannot pinpoint the exact time change began to shift within her but perhaps that does not matter. What matters is that I never deemed her capable of change. I would never imagine her removing the shackles on her heart and dismantling the habits deeply ingrained within her. Ordering glasses based on their colour and leaving the ones with not-so-bitter memories at the front and the bitter ones at the back? I did not think her capable of moving past that. Folding clothes in terms of memories associated with them and never wearing the bad ones again? Incapable to move beyond this either. Avoiding certain movements, certain perfumes. Triple checking the door. Switching the lights off way later than from what her body permitted her to. Forgotten calls of a body that only ever longed for sleep. For the calmness I never thought she’d be able to give. Leaving the door ajar in just the right position for God forbid if she didn’t, the earth might shatter. She had books organized in a precise order and the laundry had to be hung with particular space in between. Certain walks she avoided, a manner of running she despised. A voice she heard and words far from honey she wished not to hear. A thump against her chest that soon barricaded the air in her throat. She longed to rest. But, she got rid of it all. Of all these habits. Again, it might not have been groundbreaking but they held her hostage. They trapped her, like the world is trapped by the pandemic. Like hands wrapped around her heart, only they played havoc with its beatings. I am happy she spent enough time with herself. I am indebted to her for setting me free.