My father

This page is dedicated to my father who can not read it nor understand it.

My mother, Ester, and my father, Moshe, married 61 years still in love

My father is sick with Alzheimer’s disease. His brain is partially operational when I ask him how he feels, his answer is very simple, "I feel good because I eat good and I do not have any pain", think about my father when you feel a little unhappy.

Lately, his health is declined. He is afraid to starve to death because of the Holocaust in his past.

Our mission is simple. We give him love every day and promise him all the time that he will have food to eat and bed to sleep forever.

We know that his condition going to be much worse and we respect every day when he reminds us our old healthy father.

"Where is mother?" My father asks all the time.

"Ester, Ester, Ester..." he screams with his weak voice to call her.

My father can be sleepy or hyperactive never in between.

When he is active, I am active.

When he is sleepy, I am sad.

My father plays like a child. A child without a smile.

My father wants to leave, he pushes and pushes, but he can not pass the wall.

Father, You can not leave this world unless God let you do so.

And with God visa, no wall can stop you any more to find your way to the elevator which will take you out of your current life directly to where you belong, to Heaven.

Father, this disease is a process which eventually will free your soul from your old and sick body. Do not fight this disease, for the first time you can not win, this disease is unbeatable, so relax and let God do his job. I know, the job is done very slowly for you but it will be done completely and in God time.

When this process will end you will be a free healthy soul, then it will be your opportunity to meet your other family, the family which you lost in the Holocaust. You will have a chance to hug and kiss your mother again and fill all you missed as a child. Feel free to kiss your other family it is OK with us.

Cry father cry.

The moisture in your eyes is not enough if you really want to be relaxed.

So, cry father cry the same as we cry to be relaxed.

I know that you can not cry because of your past,

but only for this time, for us, cry father cry.

Silvi taking care of my father. Silvi is now my angel.

Continue father to look at the door for hours until you will see us, and then, as usual, raise your right hand and signal us to come quickly, we will hear what we hear every day.

"Come, come, good you come now. The situation is bad. I do not have food. They do not give me food. I need to work to receive food but I can not".

And we will hug you and explain to you again and again that everything is OK until you will be exhausted and ask for rest, rest which does not last long as the nurse will say the next day to come.

And one day in the future, sometime before your expected death, we will come to see you and you will not raise your hand to us, and you will not look at us, and you will not tell us that you have a big problem, and you will continue to look at the door even when we are deep inside, and with your empty but fatherly eyes, you will continue to ask the nurse why your children do not come anymore and why they leave you alone. In this same time, we, your children, will hug you and will kiss you and will react the best to this crisis. We will cry.

More days will pass, you will continue to look at the door but you will forget why, and we, your children, we will continue to look at you and we will know why.

I promise you, father, that you will have food forever.

Have a good night father, try to sleep tonight, do not be afraid, tomorrow you will have food and bed the same as the day before, which you already forgot.

My father as we will remember him.

Father, we will see you tomorrow for sure.

Another scary night comes to our bad dreams.

Silvi with my father. He smiles when he looks at her.

My father asks to die because of his condition.

His right hand to his neck easily explain what he means.

Tomorrow I will pray, father, for your better health and not for your death.

I am sorry, dear father, you can not expect me, your son, to pray for your death.

Dark clouds cover my sky with hopeless color.

"if life is no life, only death can put end to no life"

Pray for my father. Moshe Hess the son of Bela.

I pray for you, father, since your disease.

(Jan 8,2011)

Me and my two sisters with my dying father.

His blood pressure almost zero. He cannot breathe.

The laboratory blood test is awful.

The Doctors ask us to stay more two hours to say goodbye to my father.

We ask forgiveness from my father if we have done wrong to him.

My father is going to die, but we know that only God knows for sure.

Jan 16, 2011.

After massive effort from the Doctors, my father is still alive, but he is now in a coma.

According to the Doctors, my father will not be able to recover the coma.

My father sleeps all the time. His face most of the time is relaxed. Sometimes he opens his eyes but there are no emotions in his eyes. We hope that he is not suffering.

It seems to me that God gives us some days to say goodbye to my father before freeing his soul from his already dead body.

God, we are ready now to let you take my father soul from us.

Please God, do not leave him in his coma and his miserable condition for long.

I am sure that if he could move his hand for one second, he will disconnect the machine which keeps him alive.

My father with open unemotional eyes looks at my mother direction.

The doctors say that he is in a coma even if he opens his eyes. They call it "reflex". But we remembered that the doctors also expected my father to die in two hours on 8 Jan 2011.

I respect the doctors who do their best, but I continue to pray more strongly, every day, with all my heart for God.

Why? Because without God nothing was possible.

Jan 19,2011.

The doctors decide to check if my father can breathe by himself without the machine.

They tried one time and they failed. The second time was a success. My father is now breathing by himself. The doctors gave him a chance of zero to breathe by himself but they were wrong as usual. I assume that the doctors did not think about the power of praying on a cold statistic.

What is now my father status?

He still sleeps all the time. He does not respond to us. Sometimes he opens his blue eyes and watches to our direction but without express any emotion to us. We talk to him all the time. We say loudly our names. We touch his body. We press softly his hand. But he does not respond to us and quickly he sinks to the situation he prefers to be in, which is dreaming about heaven.

Feb 10, 2011

Just look at my father picture. This is a true picture. This is not a Photoshop picture.

This is my father on Feb 10, 2011. He is now in full consciousness. We all thanks to God for the miracle he did for my father. Thank God for letting us have more time with my father in his improved health condition.

Feb 11,2011

I came to visit my father. He very focused with himself.

He seems sad to me.

He looked at me and said that he sees many dead people.

I understood what he means. Many sick people in very bad condition are sitting around him.

He said to me that he wants to die. His eyes were full of tears, but he did not cry.

He moved his hand to his throat to demonstrate what he meant.

I understand what he meant. I could not say one word to him.

God is my witness that I never ask God to keep him alive.

I only ask God to stop his suffering.

God decides what is good for my father.

I assume that I know what is good for my father, but God knows better and God sees the whole picture.

I understand my father wishes and I am very proud of him that even in the moment of big sickness he is still want to die proud and now, than to die in misery, later.

My father is a brave and strong man.

He survives the Holocaust.

Any Jew, who survives the Holocaust, must be a brave and strong man.

Weak people could not survive such as terrible event.

My father is still a brave man.

Even with his disease which damaged parts of his brain he still want to die now in dignity, without being scared of the death which can not be avoided but can be delayed with the cost of shame and misery.

I salute you, father, you are my hero.

I hope our common genes will instruct me when the time comes to behave the same, bravely, as you.

May your wish be accepted by God and will be heard by God and will be performed by God soon.

He is my father and I am proud to be his son.

Time of true

Feeling guilty is one of the worse feeling concern my father.

I am sure that I could do more for my father.

March 16, 2011

My father can eat by himself. It is a matter of days that the pipe in his nose will be removed. So, we are happy that my father doing well but what about my father?

He is still asking to die and stop his suffering. The suffering of being disables to function as a human being. So we understand that we need to change our pray for God not for better health but for quick and easy death to our dear father.

In Saturday 19 March 2011 we receive telephone at 6.30 AM that my father is in bad condition. He died in his sleep. He was found with closed eyes and with a relaxed face. According to Jewish religious, if somebody dies in Saturday (SABBATH ) he is blessed by God.

I looked at my father body for the last time and just let myself to cry and pray near my always father, freely and without any limitation.

Rest in peace father we are going to miss you, my father, a lot.

12 April 2011

Jewish tradition is not to shave or cut hair for 30 days.

So, I do so.

I continue to pray for your soul in Heaven, my dear father.

When Jewish pray, his body must point to Jerusalem.

When Jewish die, his body position in his forever home is bowed to Jerusalem forever and ever.

I pray Kaddish (Jewish, pray for the dead) for you father always and forever until the time will come and my children will pray for me.

And as always, when I pray every morning to thank God for everything, I think about you, father, because father, without you, my life was without God in my heart, and Without God, who am I?

Your, this world, body location. the only place which we can come close to you with this world limitations.

Your gravestone and your title "I do not have any complains to God".

Silvi easily made my father smile in our world.

In the graveyard, Silvi tried again to make you smile.

I smile for sure. What about you?

My father all the time: "I do not have any complains to God", "I am healthy because I never hurt anybody".

My father before his death: "I am OK.", "I do not have pain.",

"I suffer, Better I die".

Playing with assumptions and imaginations

Father, I assume that your date of death was planned to be January 8, 2011, Saturday and not March 19, 2011. Both days are on Saturday (SABBATH).

In our world, I was not ready for your fast and quick death so I prayed and cried for God to help you.

I assume that God for unknown reasons, decide to take action to let us, his children, to have more time to understand that my father died is the preferred solution to him.

I assume that God knew that my father needs to be focused and relatively healthy to let us, his children, to believe using his voice and his hand to his neck and his tears, that you, my father, really want and need to die as soon as possible because your time comes.

I assume that God asked your permission, father, to do so because changing the time of death is not a normal matter in God world.

I assume that God explained to you that you will continue your miserable life for some time by doing so, depend on the time it will take us, your family, to understand and accept what is better for my father in his current status.

I am sure that your answer to God was quick and fast and without any delay "of course! , I will do everything for my children".

I assume that only God recovered your serious health condition and not the doctors who were surprised and confused by the unexplained recovery.

In our world, many of the sick people who were hospitalized in my father emergency room in the hospital, die. My father for unknown reasons survive.

It seems strange to the Doctors and the nurse. Nobody from the medical team believes that my father will leave the hospital alive. They did not give any chance to my father.

I am the only one who believed that my father is able to stay alive because without God nothing was possible.

In our world, my father recovered the hospital and moved to another medical institute. The Doctors in the new institute told us that my father is doing fine and he will overcome his serious health problems and will return soon to the normal parents home.

But without lifting the eyes from the medical data to the sky all that the Doctor did was a simple guessing with only better chance than average to win and guess true.

In our world, My father explains to me that he sees many dead people around him. I understand that he meant to the sick people around him. Now I also think that maybe he was already in the other world which is only for dead people.

In our world, My father explains that he wants to die, I thought maybe because of his suffering. Now I think that he was in God world after his first death and that he wants very much to return quickly to Heaven because of no place like Heaven.

In our world, my father with tears in his eyes and with hand to his neck explain to me slowly and clearly and without any Alzheimer signs that He wants to die. Now I understand that he did it to prepare us for his coming death and to let us know that he selects death and that we must accept it. I think that he wanted me to stop praying for his health but to pray for his soul in Heaven.

In our world, finally, we understand painfully inside our sad heart that it is OK with us to accept the death of our dear father.

I assume that God easily understands our real thought by looking inside our heart and verifies that we have full readiness for my father coming death.

I assume that God frees your soul quickly and without any pain shortly after confirmed that we for sure accept your coming death because really there was no other better option for you, father, here in our world except to destroy your, our world, sick body and return to God.

In our world, we were surprised that my father dies so quickly in his sleep without any fight with closed eyes and with a relaxed face. This event is not normal behavior of my father. He was a fighter and survivor in his life. Maybe my father gives up because he knew his final destination.

In our world, the time of your second and final death was Saturday, 19 March 2011 in SABBATH.

Your canceled first death was on January 8, 2011, both in SABBATH.

In our world. Father, thanks for letting me know about the power of belief in God. Without God, witnessing your sickness and agony was almost impossible to me.

See you soon in our dreams and later in Heaven only if I will be qualified to be there the same as you.

Goodbye father. You are now in the hands of God.

13 November 2012, 06.20 AM Ashdod, Israel.

If you see what you see, you see that without God nothing is possible.

Psalm 121

"From where is my help to come?

My help comes from God

the maker of earth and heaven"

The pray (Psalm 121) was written by King David in time of misery when he asked for God help.

This is my favorite song from the time of my father sickness until now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwoT0Bzc0_w

תהילים פרק קכא

Psalm 121.

I lift up my eyes to the hills; *

from where is my help to come?

My help comes from the LORD, *

the maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved *

and he who watches over you will not fall asleep.

Behold, he who keeps watching over Israel *

shall neither slumber nor sleep;

The LORD himself watches over you; *

the LORD is your shade at your right hand,

So that the sun shall not strike you by day, *

nor the moon by night.

The LORD shall preserve you from all evil; *

it is he who shall keep you safe.

The LORD shall watch over your going out and

your coming in, *

from this time forth for evermore.

July 22, 2011.

My daughter, few weeks before my father died, changes my status to grandfather.

Thank you, God for reducing my pain by mixing deep sadness with happiness, new life with death, in range of few weeks.

July 22, 2011.

The name of my grandchild is SHACAR.

In English, the name is "daybreak".

Goodbye Dark, sickness, death, scary nights.

Welcome healthy, happiness, vivid, shiny daybreak.

God protect and bless you, SHACAR, my dear little daybreak.

Sept 23, 2011.

"Day break" She is now 6 months plus old.

In six months we will celebrate her birthday of one year old. Thank you, God for giving such a dear, beloved, precious, unlimited value gift in time of deep sadness.

In six months we will remember your one year death. Thank you, God for ending my father suffering in short time, but in enough time to let us say goodbye and accept the fact that your life comes to a dead end.

The month of March 2011 will always be a meaningful time in my life.

The time, when sad sickness unavoidable death, meet, happy God creation of a beautiful healthy baby, and by that, easily demonstrate all story about the meaning of life.

November 17, 2011