Questions and Answers

Common Questions and Answers

What is child sexual abuse ?

There are a variety of definitions for sexual abuse.

This may range from 'any type of sexual contact, sexual behavior, or sexual act between an adult and a child', to

'any type of non-consentual sexual contact by one person to another', to

the legal definition in the state that you reside in.

There is also a difference between normal sexual behavior, inappropriate sexual behavior, and child sexual abuse.

What behaviors may indicate that a child is being sexually abused ?

The following is a partial list of possible indicators that a child may have or is being sexually abused.

Child Physical Indicators

Difficulty in walking or sitting

Torn, stained or bloody underclothing

Pain or itching in genital area

Bruises or bleeding in external genitalia, vaginal or anal areas

Venereal disease (especially in pre-teens)

Pregnancy

Child Behavioral Indicators

Unwilling to change for gym or participate in physical education class

Withdrawal, fantasy or infantile behavior

Bizarre, sophisticated or unusual sexual behavior or knowledge

Wary of physical contact, especially with an adult

Poor peer relationships

Onset of bedwetting, nightmares or thumbsucking

Delinquent or runaway

Reports sexual assault by caretaker

Parent's Behavioral Indicators

Very protective or jealous of child

Encourages child to engage in prostitution or sexual acts in the presence of caretaker

Misuses alcohol or other drugs

Is geographically isolated and/or lacking in social and emotional contacts outside the family

Has low self-esteem

What affect or effect does sexual abuse have on children ?

Each individual reacts differently to sexual victimization depending on their specific situation.

Some common symptoms that typify the effects of sexual abuse on children both in the short-term and long-term include the following, however, the presence of the following symptoms may also indicate other types of trauma, illness, or dysfunction:

fear,

inability to trust,

anger/aggressiveness,

inappropriate sexual behavior,

depression,

guilt,

shame,

difficulties in school,

somatic complaints,

sleep disturbances,

eating disorders,

phobic or avoidant behavior,

regressive behavior,

self-destructive behavior,

accident-proneness,

running or escape behaviors,

difficulty sustaining healthy relationships with other people,

generalized feelings of helplessness/hopelessness,

negative self-concept,

difficulty making adjustments and coping with typical stressors in life,

difficulty demonstrating appropriate expressions of affection,

nightmares,

flashbacks,

and other intrapersonal problems.

There are also factors that may counter the negative impact of sexual abuse, specifically:

if the child has a significant caretaker (i.e. parent) that believes, supports, and protects the child from further abuse,

minimal disruption for the child upon disclosure,

early intervention,

and participation in individual, family, and group therapy.

Why is it difficult for children to talk about sexual abuse ?

Often children do not tell anyone about sexual abuse because they:

are too young to put what has happened into words

were threatened or bribed by the abuser to keep the abuse a secret

feel confused by the attention and feelings accompanying the abuse

are afraid no one will believe them

blame themselves or believe the abuse is punishment for being "bad"

feel too ashamed or embarrassed to tell

worry about getting into trouble or getting a loved one into trouble

Remember, silence enables sexual abuse to continue. Silence protects sexual offenders and hurts children who are being abused.

What to do if your child discloses sexual abuse ?

As concerned adults, we want to protect children from sexual abuse, but we can't always be there to do that. We can, however, teach children about sexual abuse in order to increase their awareness and coping skills. Without frightening children, we can provide them with appropriate safety information and support at every stage of their development.

We can provide personal safety information to children in a matter- of-fact way, with other routine safety discussions about fire, water, health, etc. Although even the best educated child cannot always avoid sexual abuse, children who are well prepared will be more likely to tell you if abuse has occurred. This is a child's best defense.

In order to protect children, teach them:

to feel good about themselves and know they are loved, valued and deserve to be safe

the difference between safe and unsafe touches

the proper names for all body parts, so they will be able to communicate clearly

that safety rules apply to all adults, not just strangers

that their bodies belong to them and nobody has the right to touch them or hurt them

that they can say "no" to requests that make them feel uncomfortable--even from a close relative or family friend

to report to you if any adult asks them to keep a secret

that they can rely on you to believe and protect them if they tell you about abuse

that they are not bad or to blame for sexual abuse

to tell a trusted adult about abuse even if they are afraid of what may happen

If a child trusts you enough to tell you about an incident of sexual abuse, you are in an important position to help that child recover. The following suggestions can help you provide positive support.

Do:

Keep calm. It is important to remember that you are not angry with the child, but at what happened. Children can mistakenly interpret anger or disgust as directed towards them.

Believe the child. In most circumstances children do not lie about sexual abuse.

Give positive messages such as "I know you couldn't help it," or "I'm proud of you for telling."

Explain to the child that he or she is not to blame for what happened.

Listen to and answer the child's questions honestly.

Respect the child's privacy. Be careful not to discuss the abuse in front of people who do not need to know what happened.

Be Responsible. Report the incident to the the police. They can help protect the child's safety and provide resources for further help.

Arrange a medical exam. It can reassure you that there has been no permanent physical damage and may verify important evidence.

Get help. Get competent professional counseling, even if it's only for a short time.

Don't:

Panic or overreact when the child talks about the experience. Children need help and support to make it through this difficult time.

Pressure the child to talk or avoid talking about the abuse. Allow the child to talk at her or his own pace. Forcing information can be harmful. Silencing the child will not help her or him to forget.

Confront the offender in the child's presence. The stress may be harmful. This is a job for the authorities.

Blame the child. SEXUAL ABUSE IS NEVER THE CHILD'S FAULT!!!

How do I take care of myself ?

If you are currently being sexually abused or victimized tell someone you trust. If they do not believe you or respond in a way that you do not feel safe or protected tell someone else.

If you are the parent of a child who has been sexually abused remain calm but take action now !!! Make sure your child is physically healthy. Go to a doctor or the emergency room at the hospital if necessary. Call the local police department. Make sure your child is separated from the offender with arrangements for the offender to leave the home if necessary. Take whatever action is necessary in order for your child to feel safe and protected.

You may feel overwhelmed, confused, anxious, nervous, scared, alone, angry, guilty, sad, or have a number of other reactions, all of which is normal for the situation. Talk to someone you trust. While sexual abuse is traumatic for the child and their family, life will go on. While there may be changes that are necessary, try to keep your child's life and your family as normalized as possible.

Remember to:

Do something nice for yourself each day.

Reduce your stress.

Go for a walk.

Exercise

Find humor where you can.

Participate in a hobby of your choice.

Participate in family activities.

Listen to your favorite music.

Remember you are not alone.

Talk to someone you trust.

Parents, listen to your children.

Believe, support, and protect them.

If the sexual abuse has disrupted their normal behavioral patterns, get professional intervention.

What are some suggestions for reducing stress in my life ?

Learn to plan. Disorganization can breed stress. Having too many projects going simultaneously often leads to confusion, forgetfulness, and the sense that uncompleted projects are hanging over your head. When possible, take on projects one at a time and work on them until completed.

Recognize and accept limits. Most of us set unreasonable and perfectionistic goals for ourselves. We can never be perfect, so we often have a sense of failure or inadequacy no matter how well we perform. Set achievable goals for yourself.

Learn to play. You need occasionally to escape from the pressures of life and have fun. Find pastimes which are absorbing and enjoyable to you no matter what your level of ability is.

Be a positive person. Avoid criticizing others. Learn to praise the things you like in others. Focus upon the good qualities those around you possess. Be sure to give yourself credit and appreciate your own good qualities, as well.

Learn to tolerate and forgive. Intolerance of others leads to frustration and anger. An attempt to really understand the way other people feel can make you more accepting of them. Accept and forgive yourself also.

Avoid unnecessary competition. There are many competitive situations in life that we can't avoid. Too much concern with winning in too many areas of life can create excessive tension and anxiety, and make us unnecessarily aggressive.

Get regular physical exercise. Check with your physician before beginning any exercise program. You will be more likely to stay with an exercise program if you choose one that you really enjoy rather than one that feels like pure hard work and drudgery.

Learn a systematic, drug-free method of relaxing. Meditation, yoga, or any of a variety of relaxation techniques can be learned from various books or accredited teachers.

Talk out your troubles. Find a friend, member of the clergy, faculty member, counselor, or psycho-therapist you can be open with. Expressing your bottled up thoughts and feelings or sources of tension to a sympathetic ear can be incredibly helpful.

Change your thinking. How we feel emotionally often depends on our outlook or philosophy of life. Changing one's beliefs is a difficult and painstaking process. No one has all the answers, but some answers are available. Reading a self-help book of interest is a start.

Take each day one day at a time. Live in the present. Take advantage of opporunities now. While it is desirable to plan, it does no good to worry about tomorrow. Find humor where you can. Participate in a hobby of your choice. Keep a daily journal or diary. Writing out your thoughts can be very therapeutic.

Participate in family activities. Go fishing. Enjoy a picnic or fun at the local park. Play games. Enjoy a bike ride together. Go for a nature walk or try camping. The possibilities are endless !

Prepare and cook your favorite recipie for yourself or family.

Go to your favorite sporting event, concert or theater of your choice.

Read your favorite book.

Read your favorite magazine

Listen to your favorite music.

Remember, there is only one you, you are important, and you do make a difference in the lives of other people !!!

Other questions and answers ?

QUESTION:

I NEED HELP... MY HUSBAND IS 29 AND I AM 20. IN THE PAST YEAR, HE HAS BECOME EXTREMELY ABUSIVE. I GUESS I MARRIED VERY YOUNG (18). I NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO BE SINGLE AND HAVE ANY FUN. ONCE IN AWHILE I WILL GO OUT WITH MY FRIENDS. LAST SAT. I STAYED OUT UNTIL 1:00AM. WHEN I GOT HOME HE WAS WAITING FOR ME, HE THEN STARTED TO HIT ME AND CHOKE ME AND ASK ME WHERE THE HELL I WAS. AFTER THAT HE WENT TO BED AND IN THE MORNING WE BOTH PRETENDED THAT NOTHING HAPPENED. HIS BROTHER AND WIFE STAY WITH US, AND I WAS TOO EMBARASSED TO SAY ANYTHING. MY MOM KNOWS THAT HE HAS HIT ME ONCE OR TWICE, AND I TOLD HER HE IS DOING BETTER AND HAS NOT TOUCHED ME. HE ALWAYS MAKES SURE NEVER TO LEAVE ANY MARKS SO "NO ONE WILL NOTICE". I AM AFRAID THIS WILL KEEP HAPPENING. AS LONG AS I STAY HOME OR ONLY GO OUT FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS HE IS FINE. WHAT CAN I DO??? I REALLY DON'T HAVE ANYWHERE TO GO... AM I STUPID??? PLEASE HELP SOMEONE.

ANSWER:

You are not stupid and the abuse is not your fault. You have a lot of courage to seek help for your situation. You are right in that the abuse will continue unless you take action. There are always options available, and it will not be easy. Contact your local crisis line in your community. You should be able to discuss what options and resources are available to you. If you do not have a local crisis center, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or me at mandy62657@yahoo.com, and I will assist you in finding an appropriate resource for you.

QUESTION:

I have several question,the first is what makes a person abusive ? Can it be inherited ? I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. When I met him, he was married. I know that when his wife left him, he held her at gun point because she was leaving him, but he didn't hurt her. I don't thing he abused her. In fact he still speaks highly of her. I'm married. Several days after his wife left him, he started to change. He became insecure, angry,controlling & possessive, He called me a whore, and grabbed and shoke me in front of my child. Of course then he said he was sorry and wouldn't do it again. Once when I stated to break up with him, we were arguing, he hit me and gave me a black eye. I said to him would you want anyone hitting your mother, then he said to me don't talk about my wife of my mother because you're nothing like them. I do know for a fact tha his father was abusive to his mother. When I told his mother, her comment was , she didn't raise her son to hit women.I also know that mental illness runs in his fathers family. By the way he has never hit me since this incident,but he was called me a whore in front of his friends and has left threatening messages when we have argued. Again this hasn't happened in 3 years. Do I still need to be concerned ? What is the likelihood of it not happening again ? I don't think I'm afraid of him.

ANSWER:

Abusive behavior has to do with an individual's need for power and control. It is generally a learned behavior, and it does not have to be physical to be abusive. He has already abused his former wife, your child, and you. It is likely he still is abusing you and your family and will continue to abuse you and your family unless you terminate this relationship. You indicated that you were married with a child and you need to focus your energy on your relationship with your husband and child. You need to take action and make good choices for yourself, at least for the safety of your child. Contact your local crisis center to see what options and resources are available to you. You can also contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for further assistance.

QUESTION:

Can childhood sexual abuse lead to an early onset of menstruation in a nine year old half-Caucasian half Oriental female child? She has also been developing breasts and pubic hair for the past year. We suspect sexual abuse on the part of mother's boyfriend but have no concrete evidence or proof. If abuse has taken place, we doubt that mother has any knowledge. We do know that there is a history of violent behavior by the boyfriend towards the mother. Put another way, does the develoment of menses, breasts, and pubic hair by the child indicate a greater liklihood that sexual abuse has taken place?

ANSWER:

No, sexual abuse and the onset of menses, breast development, and pubic hair are not related. Some girls who are 9 yrs old do start their adolescent changes - if there is any concern, she should be seen by a pediatric endocrinologist. Talk with the child and see what she says. Also talk with the mother - she should at least know that there are some suspicious and worried people around.

QUESTION:

My daughter was sexually molested by her 4 year old female cousin. This happened when I was away in my home, when my husband and the cousin's father were watching them. They let the 2 girls inside the home, while the two sons and the men cleaned up outside. They were in the home for 10 minutes. When the men came in my daughter had all her clothes off. I came home the following day and my daughter was red down there, she wet her bed three times that week (which she has never done, she was potty trained since 1). My daughter tells me two weeks later that her cousin touched her and punched her on her front side and back side. I was angry, crying- I told the child's parents. I asked them to get their daughter professional help or I wouldn't let them by one another. No help came. They found out she and a girl from her daycare(age 6) were doing similar things to one another. Their daughter is still at the same daycare with the same girl. At that time (this happened in the Fall) my daughter was afraid of her cousin and didn't want to see her. I told my daughter what happened was very wrong of the cousin and reassured her that she (my girl) didn't do anything wrong. And that she should ALWAYS tell when someone hurts her. My daughter talks and understands very well. Weeks later the brother of this cousin who is 7 grabs my sons crouch (although his jeans were on, not under the jeans just on top of ). Again I tell the parents they say they will get their kids conselling they don't. The kids have so many problems. Parents have been split up, they have moved around a lot, they swear, are violent towards others and do very sexual things to themselves or talk about sex. They are only 4 and 7. I want them to get help. I am afraid they could hurt others again. I have seen the children but leave my kids with my parents when I do. Months have went by and my husband's family wants us to forget what happened and start putting our children back in the same room. (although they said that counselling was best for these kids when it happened as well). I can't in my heart do this. I think my children have forgotten what happened, even though my daughter was tramitized at first. However she does not talk about it anymore, I wanted her to forget. But when she brought it up I would positively reinforce the fact that what happened was wrong and that she shouldn't ever be touched like that. And she should always tell. How soon should/would it be OK for them to be in a room together? Should I hold my ground and demand for them to get counselled consistently first? This is what I want but I am getting blamed for tearing the family apart. Our family is very Christian oriented and I have forgiven them (it is NOT the child's fault they are only acting out) however should I chance my children's welfare so that their children aren't outcasts? This makes holidays difficult because everyone wants to get together. And yet although our children did nothing wrong we are the ones who have to make the sacrifice...Help!

ANSWER:

It is likley that a cycle of sexual and even verbal abuse is happening within the home. The adults could be sexually abusing the children, and the children abusing each other.

Don't allow your children anywhere near them without you if you can help it. If you MUST be in the same house, sleep WITH your children, stay with them when they are alone. Don't ever let the other children or parents near them. DON'T LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN ALONE.

Sexual abuse leaves life long mental scars. You may forgive, but your children won't forget, Don't let them be abused any further.

You are right to encourage counselling, but you may even need to take the matter into your own hands and report it. How many other children are being abused or likley to be abused? Are the parents sexually abusing the children? You may not know, but it is o.k. to report suspected child abuse to your local police department, or call 1-800-4-A-CHILD.