Study in Grief

Study in Grief

Previously printed in Out Loud Anthology II by Midwest Writing Center, 2007

I have lived through sadness

deep and seemingly without end

pain clear and sharp

as fluted crystal

so much a part of me, I put it on before rising

after the one perfect moment of possibility

before waking erased the memory of your last act

before it slammed into every pore

I thought it endless

when I couldn’t drive

without sobbing

couldn’t chew food

grinding nutrients into my body

couldn’t look in the mirror

without seeing your reflection blotting out mine

couldn’t let myself ease into routines

the untouched take for granted

I have lived through anger white hot and hungry

searing every exchange

lashing out when kindness and sympathy were offered

hating the sun’s audacity

wanting to enshroud myself

in a dark rain of dying leaves

I’ve had trouble with acceptance

but like it or not,  it comes

tiptoeing around the barbed walls I’ve erected

and one day your face disappears

and I shrivel with guilt for not remembering

I keep your ashes and in August

call you back

You don’t come as easily

perhaps because now I choose

to live without your constant presence

And after 33 years, August may finally 

be just another month

         —Katherine McLeod Searle