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Last Sunday, Ray Sessions was on the 1st hole at Shortland Waters and was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing the upcoming shot, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker: "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!"

Ray could feel every eye on the course looking at him but undaunted he continued with his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee".

Ray simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, then once more, the man yelled: "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!"

Ray finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mic, cupped his hands and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut the f@#k up and let me play my second shot?"

Last summer Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut." Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

"Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes." she replied. "I'm a hooker."

"I see." Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

A guy joins a social golf club and while finding out the details, he is told that the club tees off at 7:00am every Sunday. He says that that shouldn't be a problem but there might be some days when he's 15 minutes late.

On the first weekend, he plays left handed and puts in an absolute blinder.

The next weekend he puts in a equally impressive score but this time he plays right handed.

This goes on for a few months where he plays both left and right handed but in no particular pattern and as he warned, there were a few days when he was 15 minutes late for the tee time.

After a while the other members are quite bemused as to this man's skill at playing either left or right handed and one day someone decides to ask what system the guy follows as to how to play that day.

The new member says that when he wakes up on the Sunday he sees which side his wife is lying on and if it's her left side, he plays left handed and if it's her right side, he plays right handed.

"But what if she's lying on her back?" asks the old member.

"That's when I'll be 15 minutes late."

"The most exquisitely satisfying act in the world of golf is that of throwing a club. The full backswing, the delayed wrist action, the flowing follow-through, followed by that unique whirring sound, reminiscent of a passing flock of birds, are without parallel in sport." - Henry Longhurst

"The reason they call if 'golf' is that all the other four-letter words were used up." - Leslie Nielsen

A golfer had taken some lessons and had been practicing hard but his game wasn't coming together so he asked one of the teaching pros to have a game with him and offer some advice on how he could improve his game.

Having played 18 holes he asked the pro what he could do to improve his game. The pro answered " You could start by cutting about a foot off all your clubs".

The golfer asked "Really, will that make me play any better ?" The pro answered "No, but it will make it a lot easier to fit them in the bin".

"Golf is an awkward set of bodily contortions designed to produce a graceful result." - Tommy Armour

"The fun you get from golf is in direct ratio to the effort you don't put into it." - Bob Allen

"Half of golf is fun; the other half is putting." - Peter Dobereiner

"Two things that ain't long for this world. Dogs that chase cars and professional golfers who chip for pars." - Lee Tevino

"Golf is based on honesty, where else would you admit to a seven on a par three?" - Jimmy Demaret

Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives.

The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language."

"I guess not, said Fred, "what the hell do they have to cuss about?"

"Sometimes the game of golf is just too difficult to endure with a golf club in your hands." - Bobby Jones - on club throwing.

"Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner ...and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air." - Jack Benny

"Golf practice - something you do to convert a nasty hook into a wicked slice." - Henry Beard

"If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt." -- Dean Martin

"Golf does strange things to other people, too. It makes liars out of honest men, cheats out of altruists, cowards out of brave men and fools out of everybody." -Milton Gross

"The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing." -- Phyllis Diller

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why back in so early? What’s wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee." "Where?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole" she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

A sign went up at the golf course...."Kitchen closed for re- modeling."

A few weeks later a new sign was posted...."Kitchen Open."

Directly under this 6 men had already signed their names.

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

Jesus, Moses and God were out playing golf one day.

Jesus teed off first, and the ball flew straight over the fairway, landed in the green and rolled to within a couple feet of the hole.

Moses hit second, and his ball also soared and landed close to the hole.

Both looked over at God who teed up his ball.

God took a few practice swings, then let loose on his ball. The ball flew off into the rough. Just then, a squirrel jumped over, grabbed the ball in his mouth and started running across the fairway. An eagle swooped down and grabbed the squirrel in its claws, but before it could get too far, a bolt of lightning struck the bird. The ball fell and a sudden gust of wind dropped it directly into the hole.

Jesus glared at God and said: "Hey, are you here to play golf or just screw around?"

A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer.

When the first golfer gets to his ball he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss.

"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer.

"That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell SHIT!"

After a round of golf, 4 elderly ladies sat around the club house chatting. Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?"

The first said she had a good round...making the comment that she actually had 25 riders. The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.

The second lady then quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.

The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.

The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.

The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.

He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "riders"?" The bar tender simply smiled and say... "a "rider" is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart."

A husband and wife were sitting at the 19th hole when, suddenly, the wife starts thinking of death.

She turns to her husband and asks, "Honey, if I pass away would you give your next wife my $5,000.00 diamond ring?" The husband replies "of course I would, I wouldn't want to see it go to waste."

The wife then asks, "Would you give her my collection of mink coats?" The husband replies, "Of course I would, I don't want to see them turn into moth food."

The wife then asks, "Would you give her my set of Callaways you bought for me last week?" "Of course not," the husband says, "she's left handed!!!"

Two men were playing golf together for the very first time. The first player teed off and hit the ball into a clump of trees. He finally got onto the fairway, only to hit the ball into a water hazard. The next shot resulted in a new ball flying over a fence onto a busy street.

The second player said, "Maybe you should use an old ball for this shot."

The first player replied, "I don't have any old balls."

The bride came down the aisle, and when she reached the altar the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side.

She said, "Dear, what are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.

The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?" "Yes." "Did you hit her with that golf club?"

"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.

"How many times did you hit her?"

"I don't know. Five...six ...put me down for a five."

Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.

Mary: Tell me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!

Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?

Mary: I thought I asked legitimate questions...like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"

There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up very early and golf's all day long.

Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour.

There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds that it's supposed to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

She replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"

Jim, a member of the local country club, invited his friend Jack to play a round at his club. Since Jack had never played the course, on the first tee Jim was explaining where best to aim and where the trouble is on the hole.

Jack teed his ball, addressed the ball, took a couple of waggles and took a violent swing with his driver, hit a foot behind the ball tearing up sod, didn't even touch the ball.

Jack stepped back, took a couple practice swings and again addressed his ball. This time his swing missed everything.

Jack stepped back from his ball, looked at Jim and said, "tough course".

"If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme Putt", you might wish to reconsider this game." -Anonymous

"It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still rolling." -Mark Twain

Golf Laws

An American was golfing at the Old Course in St. Andrews, Scotland. He slices his opening drive out of bounds onto the beach, so he tees another one up and smacks it right down the middle.

The golfer turns to his old Scottish caddy and tells him that in America that is called a "Mulligan" and asks him if there is a name for it in Scotland. The caddy replies, "AYE, we call it a three."

Golf is an easy game... it's just hard to play.

Real golfers don't miss putts, they get robbed.

Drive for show, Putt for dough, Shank for comic relief.

---Anonymous

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

"When I'm on a golf course and it starts to rain and lightning, I hold up my one iron, 'cause I know even God can't hit a one iron." ---Lee Trevino

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers. The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money.

The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine -- in search of his lost ball.

The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is, in fact, a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here." Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter?"

Jim shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 8 iron! You can't get out of here with a 7!"

A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else."

He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal ... it's called golf."

"You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work." ---Lee Trevino

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatsoever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally managed to speak.

"Oh great!" said the beginner in a disgusted tone, "NOW you tell me."

"The trees taunt you; the sand mocks you; the water calls your name... and they say golf is a quiet game." ---Anonymous

"I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It is called an eraser." ---Arnold Palmer

What's the difference between a bad skydiver and a bad golfer?

A bad skydiver goes Shit! Whack! while a bad golfer goes Whack! Shit!

A man goes to his golf club and, hearing that his regular caddy will not be in that day, hires another caddy. The day goes along pretty well and the new caddy seems quite knowledgeable. Upon arriving at the 9th fairway, that has always been particularly tricky for the golfer, the man turns to the boy and asks, "Which club do you think I should use for this shot?"

The caddy says, "Sir, I know this golf course very well. The best club for this fairway is the five iron." The golfer gets out his five iron, lines up his shot, and hits the ball. He smacks it really hard and it veers way off to the right where his wife happens to be standing. It hits her in the head and she is killed instantly.

Months go by after his wife's funeral, and the man still can't think about golf. But after a year, he thinks, "I really loved the game. I shouldn't let it go out of my life. It was a freak accident. The game gave me such joy, I should at least try to play once more and see how it feels." He goes back to the golf course, and as luck would have it, he gets the same caddy as last time.

When they get to the 9th fairway, he turns to his caddy and says, "Which club do you think I should use?" The caddy says, "Sir, I know this golf course very well. The best club for this fairway is the five iron." The man turns to the caddy and shouts, "You idiot! I played here a year ago and you told me to use the five iron and I completely missed the green!"

"Happiness is a long walk with a putter." - Greg Norman