How I learned to speak alcoholic

I grew up on one of those 50's blocks where everything was nice and everyone mowed their lawn because it was

the right thing to do. Everyone went to a church on Sunday and no one really talked about religion with others that did not go to the same church. There were kids everywhere. We were the flower of the babyboom generation. We saw the first proliferation of televisions in every living room. Although we did not have a color television, the people across the street had color television and it was cool. Everything was set up to look good. There was not a single black family in the neighborhood or in my grammar school for that matter and only one or two mexican families. It was 'Leave it to Beaver' in surround sound.

The game we liked to play the best is Army. Everyone had a facsimile of a gun of some kind. We were the victors of the last war after all. Our Dad's were all sitting out on the stoop drinking to prove it. Every day after school some of us would be out(literally 20 boys at any given time) playing army. Our Dad's would be on the stoop drinking. They would have an ice chest of beer next to them if they were really bold and it was an open secret, or they hid their bottle outside or in the garage somewhere. My Step-Father hid his bottle in the rain gutter on the eve of the house. He would come outside 'to watch the kid(s)' and pull out his step ladder. That only meant one thing, he had to reach the bottle. So he would sit on his step ladder and drink away all the bad memories of WWII. He was in the Philippines burning people out of caves, so I imagine he had a few bad memories to placate.

Up and down the block this same scene played out day after day. The Dads sitting out on their respective stoops, drinking their choice of "Forget it all" potion. The kids acting out in play the very battles that the Dads were trying to forget. It all was very surreal looking back on it. The learning part was about to come.

Inevitably we would have to come in for dinner. It was getting dark and dinner was ready. We would have been smelling Mom in the Kitchen already up and down the block. Each Dad would whistle. Each family had a particular whistle to distinguish who was supposed to come and who was calling. Some kids got to stay out later. This is when the fun would begin.

Dad would come in with the Kid(s). Mom would be in her apron with dinner ready and dishing up, and she would inevitably say, "You have been drinking!". Dad would causally sit down to the table and say, "No I haven't". This was the indoctrination into the world where NO means YES. This is the power of the FORCE at work. Denial was strong in my family. In other houses where drinking was in the open the demanding question was, "You are Drunk!". Then the conversation would follow the same structure as in the other houses. There would be shame blame guilt attached to the act. We would be upset all through dinner(I learned to eat quickly, a trait I carry to this day).

This was a language that had rules and behaviors that were to be respected if everything was to continue to LOOK nice.

We lied. Whenever the opportunity arouse we tried to make ourselves look good and avoid guilt.

We were not emotionally honest with ourselves or others.

There was no resolution to conflicts.

We swept things under the rug.

There was always an Elephant in the living room. It was that subject that everyone knew but no one dared to utter out loud.

No one could take responsibility for anything.

Every sentence began with 'YOU' or 'IF YOU'. This was the blaming that always was dished out. No one took responsibility for how they felt or what they did about it.

Who knew that this was the language that my mother was raising me with. She married a guy to give me a Father, what I got was an indoctrination into a whole different Language and Culture.

We learn this honestly. We grow up speaking the way we have learned and what feels familiar, comfortable, and safe. So keep your boundaries. Stay on your side of them. Define and question how you feel about things, and be honest about it. Begin every sentence with 'I'.

This is how you can change the language, and therefore the beliefs and behavior of Alcohol.*

*Note, you can replace the word Alcohol for any other addiction you can think of and the rules look very similar and the behaviors are pretty much the same.