Embedded Files
How The Emperor Stole Christmas, with Kuja, the Red-Furred Genome.
Also Starring Ultimecia and Kefka.
"Kuja, the Red-Furred Genome,
Had some very shiny fur!
And if Exdeath saw it,
He would say "Durr Hurr Hurr!"
All of the other Genomes,
used to laugh and call him gay!
They never expected Kuja,
to try and and all of their Days!
Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Chaos came to say:
"Kuja with your thong so tight,
won't you kill Cosmos tonight?"
Then all the villains loved him,
And they shouted out with glee:
"Screw all those fucking Genomes,
we're your brand new family!"
Kuja: *wearing Antlers and a red nose* Please explain to me why I am doing this.
Mateus: Simple. I've taken over the North Pole, and now it is my responsibility to deliver gifts to the world. You are to be my reindeer. Surely that is a role you can fulfill?
Kuja: I can fulfill any role, don't insult me! But it still begs the question - why are you of all people electing to deliver gifts to the World?
Mateus: *smirk* You'll just have to wait and find out, now won't you?
Kefka: Can I wear the hat?
Mateus: *glances over and Stares for a moment* ...I suppose.
Kefka: ^_^ *Hops into the sleigh with the hat on*
Ultimecia: *wearing a sexy Missus Clause getup* Shall we be off then?
Mateus: Indeed. *Puts on Santa costume*
'Twas the Night before Christmas, and soaring through the night,
was a troop of trouble-makers, looking to blight...
At the first house of Christmas, The Angel gave to me,
A sword sticking through Dis Pear tree~
Mateus: We have arrived. *pulls the reigns on Kuja, who is flying through the air and pulling the sleigh behind him*
Kuja: Don't pull so hard, clumsy oaf!
Mateus: *Ignores* Land here, if you please.
Kuja: *Huffs and then lands the Sleigh on top of the house. A sign outside reads 'CLOUD'S HOUSE GO AWAY"*
Ultimecia: We shall make him eat dis pear.... *holds up a pear*
Kefka: oh, is that what we're here for? Sounds like fun~
Mateus: Come, down the chimney we go.
Kuja: *Stares* We're never going to fit down that thing. And honey, I've been on weight watchers. *Snip snap*
Ultimecia: Really? It shows. I wanted to say something, but you know...
Kuja: Oh, it's fine, it's fine~
Ultimecia: Well you look great.
Kuja: Thanks! I think so to-
Mateus: Silence! *Flares the Chimney* There. Problem solved.
Kefka: *Grin* I need to get me some Smack...
Mateus: *Pokes his head through the chimney* The coast is clear. Go.
*And so, the group fell into the Living Room, prepared to loot*
Mateus: Kefka, you hit the kitchen. Kuja and I will get the tree.
Ultimecia: *Goes Upstairs*
Kuja: *Grabs the Tree* Oh, I get it now! We're stealing Christmas!
Mateus: *Gives him an “Are you Fucking Serious” look* Nooooo, I Never would have guessed. Sigh. Just take it up the Chimney.
Kefka: *From Kitchen* Ooh! He's got SMACKS cereal!
Ultimecia: *Comes downstairs* I shoved a Pear down his throat. We should go.
Mateus: Right then. Away!
And so it was, amidst jeering cheers,
That the Quartet escaped, leaving behind Tears.
At the Lion's House of Christmas, The Angel Gave to me,
Two TURTLE doves,
And a sword sticking through Dis Pear Tree.
Squall: *Sleeping peacefully until his phone starts to ring* Ugh... *slams hand on phone and slowly answers groggily* Hello?
Cloud: Squall.
Squall: I'm sleeping. What the hell do you want?
Cloud: Ultimecia just shoved a pear down my throat and then ran down the stairs. I think I heard other people down there too.
Squall: So go check it out...?
Cloud: I don't want to. My Christmas might be ruined if I do.
Squall: ....Come again?
Cloud: Tifa used to make me watch all these Christmas Specials. And I think that Ultimecia is trying to steal Christmas. But unlike in the movies, I won't be able to just get over that by singing some stupid song.
Squall: So what the hell do you want me to do about it?
Cloud: They'll probably hit your house next. Maybe you can Rough Divide them or something?
Squall: ...and let me guess, get your stuff back?
Cloud: It'd be appreciated.
Squall: "Not Interested."
Cloud: Screw you.
Squall: You would.
Cloud: *****
Squall: Such language.
Cloud: *Hangs up*
Squall: *Goes to sleep, staring at a wall*
You know Exdeath and Garland and Golbez and Cloudy,
Sephy and Ulti and Kefka and Gabby,
But the one, most pretty of them all....
Mateus: That was quite the success.
Kefka: *Riffling through the bag of loot* Ohohohohoho, absolutely!
Ultimecia: I shoved a Pear down Cloud's throat. That's all I care about.
Kuja: Still, you could have told me what we were doing! I felt used during the first part of this trip!
Ultimecia: You're pulling a sleigh that we're all riding in. You don't still feel used?
Kuja: ....You'd best watch what you say next. Or the earrings are coming off.
Ultimecia: Bring it, girlfriend!
Mateus: Now now, enough of this. This is exactly what they want us to do - fight amongst ourselves.
Kefka: Who's they?
Mateus: Hell if I know.
Kuja: Aha! Our next house!
Mateus: *Smirk* Yes. Let's land here, then.
The stockings were hung by the Chimney with Care,
But come Morning time, they wouldn't be there.
At the third House of Christmas, The Angel gave to me,
Three Cycle Men (Garland: You're finished!)
Two TURTLE Doves
And a Sword sticking through Dis Pear tree!
Kefka: *Looking at a Photo* Ohhh, isn't this precious...
Kuja: *Stealing gifts* What have you got there?
Kefka: Ah, it's so sweet... MAKES ME WANNA PUKE MY GUTS OUT! *Smashes the photo on the ground, laughing*
Kuja: *Plucks the photo up* Ah, a picture of the girl and her precious Onion. How adorable.
Ultimecia: *Goes Upstairs*
Mateus: Enough chatter. There's more to be done.
Ultimecia: *Comes back downstairs* I Put hot Turtle Soup on her face.
Mateus: *Stares* ...Are you trying to ruin this for us?
Ultimecia: How do you mean?
Mateus: If you keep waking people up, it doesn't help us.
Ultimecia: True... But I just couldn't resist.
Terra: *Comes running down the stairs* Ah! You four! GET AWAY!
Mateus: Meddlesome. *Thunder Crests*
Terra: Ah! Ooh! Ooh! Ah! Ooh! Ah! Ah! Ooh!
Kuja: Quickly, up the Chimney!
*The Four Escaped!*
Terra: *Collapses* I mustn't ruin... everyone's hopes...
Kefka: *Outside, with face pressed against the window* Hopes aren't worth DIRT.
Terra: Ah! A stalker! GET AWAY!
And thus did the troop steal off into the eve,
Only after stealing everything would they leave...
You're a mean one, Mister Emps.
You really, are a, Swine!
You're as friendly as a Spider; you're as pleasant as A Muk,
Mister EeeeeeeeeeeeeMPS!
I wouldn't touch you with your, Six and a half foot pole!!!!!
At the Fourth house of Christmas, The Angel gave to me,
Four Calling Birds (Kuja: Tra La La La!)
Three Cycle Men ("You're Finished!")
Two TURTLE Doves
And a Sword sticking through Dis Pear Tree!
*Kuja lands the sleigh softly atop the next house*
Kuja: Aha! Zidane's house at last!
Mateus: Surely this one holds some personal merit for you.
Kuja: Of course it does! I'll weave a ballad of thievery into the very air of his home, and will allow him to sing his song of despair come the dawn!
Ultimecia: Ooh, poetic.
Kuja: Why thank you.
Ultimecia: Don't mention it.
Mateus: *Flares the Chimney* Shall we?
Kefka: *Eating his SMACKS* This will be titillating.
*Inside the House*
Zidane: *Hiding behind the couch* Didja hear that Bartz? Santa must be on our roof!
Bartz: Yeah! I totally heard it! We're gonna see him! *Also hiding*
Tidus: *Also also hiding* I've always wanted to see Santa!
*Mateus, Ultimecia, Kefka, and Kuja come down the chimney*
Bartz: Hey! That's not Santa!
Kefka: Ooh! They're awake!
Kuja: What are you three doing up!? And here, no less.
Zidane: We were having a slumber party! But never mind that, what have you done with Santa!?
Mateus: *Chuckle* The fat red one? Oh rest assured, he's safe and sound. For now.
Tidus: You fiend! *takes out sword*
Ultimecia: Not so fast! *Sends three Knight's Axes sailing for Tidus, stopping them just short of his throat as Zidane leaps out with daggers aloft, prepared to strike*
Mateus: *Releases a Flare into the air, stopping to block Zidane's path*
Kefka: Ahahahahahahah! Traaaa, laaaaaa, laaaaaa! *Fires off some Ultima bursts, wrecking up the living room and sending Tidus and Zidane flying*
Bartz: *Leaps out of the way just in time, throwing out a Reel Axe, only to have it deflected by Flare Star from Kuja, sending Bartz flying to land in a heap on top of Zidane and Tidus* Ow...
Mateus: Stay put. *Thunder Crests the three of them*
Ultimecia: And we'll be going. TIME! *Freezes time for them, as she and the other three begin looting the house*
Kefka: Well, THIS is an odd tree...
Exdeath: VOID.
Garland: Rawr. *Hanging around Exdeath in impossible contortions so that he looks like a sash*
Kuja: Never mind how it looks, just stuff it into the bag with everything else!
Kefka: *shrugs, stuffing them like so*
Ultimecia: What should we do about them? *Gestures at the frozen heroes, trapped in the Crest*
Mateus: Reverse time on their memories. Cloud's and Terra's, too, if you can.
Ultimecia: Psssh, please honey, I'm in a fan-fiction right now. I can do anything I want. Watch this. *Magically conjures a Giraffe out of nowhere* See?
Mateus: Fair point. But let's try and at least pretend we're bound by canon?
Ultimecia: Fine... TIME! *Wipes some memories because I say she can*
Kuja: Now, let us be off!
Kefka: Up the chimney! Through the night! Let's rob them all of fun and delight!
Kuja: *Lightly applauds*
*And off they went!*
Tidus: Ugh....what happened?
Bartz: I feel empty.
Zidane: And sad.... look! Our stuff is gone!
Bartz: Santa.... robbed us?
All Three: Baw~
We wish you a crummy Christmas,
We wish you a crummy Christmas,
We Wish you a Crummy Christmas,
And a Highly Evasive New Year!
At the fifth House of Christmas, The Angel gave to me,
FIVE GOLDEN RINGS (Mateus: Ha Ha Ha HA!)
Four Calling Birds (Kuja: Tra La La!)
Three Cycle Men (Garland: You're Finished!)
Two TURTLE Doves
And a Sword sticking through Dis Pear Tree!
Ultimecia: What are you up to?
Kefka: Just riffling through this bag... *Rummaging through some of the stolen loot* What are we going to do with all of this, anyhow?
Mateus: Why, toss it off a ravine, of course. And then set it aflame.
Kefka: <3_<3
Kuja: Ah~ The next house is there!
Ultimecia: Terrific. Let's land.
Mateus: *Grinning wickedly*
Kefka: Ohohoho...I'll bet I know who's house THIS is!
*After a Flare, down the Chimney they went!*
Kefka: I'll get the Kitchen. I'm all out of SMACKS.
Ultimecia: I'll get the presents~
Kuja: That leaves US with the tree.
Mateus: Indeed. *Smirk*
Twas quite a large tree, in fact, nay, more!
Why the tree couldn't even be fit through the door!
It was decorated with jingles, jongles and jangles,
The Emperor even spotted a few shining rectangles!
The clown swept the Kitchen, in and out in a flash,
Why he even took out the last can of Super Hash.
The witch took the presents, the gifts and the bows,
and up the chimney with them she rose.
The actor had his end of the tree inside,
And on his way up he went, waiting on the other side.
while the Emperor struggled and pushed and shoved,
He heard a slight sound, though not the coo of a dove.
Quickly putting on his hat and shimmering white beard,
he turned toward the stairs to see who was here.
And who should he see, dressed in a night shirt of blue,
other than Firion the Rebel, who was from Final Fantasy Two!
"Santa?" he asked, his words groggy and meek,
"Why are you taking our tree?" he asked, his eyes starting to leak.
But The Emperor, so crafty and wise,
was an expert of cooking up last-minute lies.
"My dear boy," he said, in his kindest voice,
"I'm taking the tree because I have no other choice!
A light has gone out, you see, right here-"
And The Emperor snapped a bulb, just to make his point clear.
"I want to bring a happy Christmas to all!
So I will fix this light, so your mood doesn't fall!
I'll take it to my workshop, and be done in a jiff,
so go on back to bed, and your gifts will be swift!"
And Firion smiled, his sleepy eyes full of glee,
In his sleepy state, gullible as can be!
And so he gave Santa a hug, and got a pat on the head,
And grabbed a cup of water, heading off to bed.
With the lowly worm gone, happy as a pup,
The Emperor turned back around, and stuffed the tree up.
Kuja: What on earth took you so long?
Mateus: Just taking care of some business, that's all.
*And thus, the group flew away~*
At the Sixth House of Christmas, The Angel gave to me,
Six Golbezes Praying,
FIVE GOLDEN RINGS (Mateus: Ha Ha Ha HA!)
Four Calling Birds (Kuja: Tra La La!)
Three Cycle Men (Garland: You're Finished!)
Two TURTLE Doves
And a Sword sticking through Dis Pear Tree!
Kuja: Ah, the Simpleton's home.
Ultimecia: Hmmm, but he was already with Zidane, and Bartz.
Mateus: Jecht is likely still home.
Kefka: And the saps'll probably have stuff inside to take anyway! Heeheehee, let's take their hopes way and destroy it all!
Kuja: Hmm. That brute will be problematic if he catches us.
Ultimecia: I don't want to get Jecht PAWNCHED.
Mateus: Not to worry. I anonymously sent him some booze as a "gift". He'll be passed out drunk by now.
Kefka: Ohhheeehee! An ingenious plan~!
Ultimecia: How convenient. A large Chimney for once.
Mateus: *Flares it anyway*
*And so the troop came down, peaking about,
For if Jecht were alerted, there would surely be a bout!*
Jecht: Zzzzzz..... c'mon, Golbez, loosen up a bit, and have another drink.... zzzzzz.... Ha! Can't even hold yer liquor.... zzzzzzz.... Boy, you eatin' right? I'ma bop you one... donchu touch my alcohol....
Kuja: *Shakes his head* Honestly, not an ounce of grace.
Ultimecia: Looks like he only has a few presents.
Kuja: I'll check upstairs~ *Floats off*
Kefka: What a shabby tree...
And shabby it was, that tree of the drunk,
For it was naught but some twigs, though it smelled of funk.
Kefka: I want to dance suddenly.
And dance he did, the clown with his laugh,
He danced enough for two men, and a half.
Mateus: *Flares the Tree* Enough of that.
Kuja: *Comes down the stairs* I found some presents and forced them into the bag. Let us be off!
Jecht: ....Zzzzzz..... Hey dere, perty lady... come over here... I'm the Great Jecht, ya know...
Ultimecia: *Stares longingly and gulps*
Kuja: Fight it, girl. You don't need no man in yo life. *Z-Snap*
Ultimecia: Girlfriend, you right. I ain't nevuh gonna have no man holding me down. *Rocks head in a circular motion*
Mateus: ...Right.
Kefka: Ahahahah! I can't stop laugin'!
Jecht: huh!? *snaps up* WHOZZERE?!
Ultimecia: Cheese it! *Throws down a smoke bomb*
Jecht: *Blinking* Musta been my imagination. *Conks out*
Kuja: *On the roof* Well, that was certainly a close call.
Mateus: You all fear that man far too much.
Ultimecia: I saw you running just as fast as we were.
Mateus: Not for fear - I just didn't have time to waste. We still have more work to do.
And thus did the troop fly off with a shiver -
Bravado or not, Jecht made them quiver!
Now you may be wondering, dear friends, as to what,
Is the cause of this venture, so enjoy this scene cut.
Kefka is a clown with no zest for Hope,
Some would say that this makes him a dope.
But he simply has not the understanding or will,
For Magitek made him simply want to kill!
"Destructing is what makes life worth living!"
The Clown is vexed by the concept of giving.
So he rides through the night, thinking only of fun,
Which means destruction, and making others run.
Ultimecia, the time-woman is a magical Witch,
She also just happens to be a real huge B****.
An ideal world is what she truly craves,
"Christmas is pointless. I'll give it a grave."
Can she understand the concept of joy and love?
Of simple pleasures from others, or hope from above?
We can only question, and perhaps make a wish,
That Ultimecia might find this most lovely dish.
Kuja, The Genome, is scorned by so many,
Understanding, Family, he does not have any.
At least none whom he could deem worthy enough,
Of his magnanimous presence, his magnificent loft.
But deep inside he is lonely, so completely alone,
And wants nothing more than a true place to call his own,
But scorning others, he takes out his wrath on the land,
"If I can't be happy, then nobody can!"
Now The Emperor, the man who craves absolute power,
Has little reason to his actions, his whim of the hour.
Some say that his mind is not quite right,
Others say his High Heels might just be too tight.
But the real, most important problem of all,
Is that The Emperor's heart was ten sizes too small.
And Black as the ace of spades, I might add,
Though at least he looked totally, completely fab.
At the Seventh House of Christmas, The Angel gave to me,
Seven Jechts A-Swimming,
Six Golbezes Praying,
FIVE GOLDEN RINGS (Mateus: Ha Ha Ha HA!)
Four Calling Birds (Kuja: Tra La La!)
Three Cycle Men (Garland: You're Finished!)
Two TURTLE Doves
And a Sword sticking through Dis Pear Tree!
Kuja: *Looking down with scorn* So this is our next house?
Mateus: Indeed.
*A sign outside reads "Golbez and Cecil's House. Merry Christmas!*
Kuja: *Clenching fists* I'll make their brotherly love into misery!
Kefka: Oh, there he goes again, soooo self-important~
Kuja: Silence, clown!
Kefka: *Pimpslaps Kuja* Wazzat?
Kuja: *Holding cheek* You... you struck me.
Ultimecia: Woooooooooooo~
Mateus: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.
Kefka: *Just stares, a light smirk on his face*
Kuja: *Huffs and turns away*
Kefka: Yeah, I thought so.
*After some Flaring, the four then made their way down the Chimney*
Mateus: Shhhhh. Golbez is liable to still be up. *Walks through the Living Room, peeking into a smaller, Cozy-looking room*
Golbez: *Sitting up in a chair, reading a book, with a sleeping Cecil in a sleeping bag beside him*
Mateus: *Turns back to the other three, whispering* Indeed, he is minding his little brother, unsurprisingly.
Kuja: *Rolls eyes*
Kefka: Hmmmm, so what should we do? It would be easy to just destroy them both...
Ultimecia: But then they wouldn't Eat Dis Pear.
Mateus: Indeed. They must be awake to feel the loss of their precious Christmas.
Ultimecia: I could just freeze time again.
Kuja: Overusing a plot device is boring.
Kefka: Oooh! I have an idea!
The Clown had indeed an idea,
A Terrible, awful, wicked idea.
So he rushed to roof, making all haste,
Where he rummaged through the bags with no time to waste.
In no time he was back, dressed up as a physician,
for The Clown was a clever, crafty technician.
"Hark!" he cried to watchful older man,
And then looked at the sleeping one, who could use a tan.
"Your brother is sick! Please listen to me!
He came to me last week for a checkup you see!
And I have reviewed his results, and most saddening news:
If he is not treated at a hospital soon, he will die." He mused.
Golbez was quick to believe this suspense,
For thoughts of his brother drove out common sense.
So he plucked up his still, sleeping form,
And rushed with all haste out through the door!
With the two brothers gone, now quiet as a mouse,
The four tricksters proceeded to clean out the house.
*And off they went through the chimney....*
At the Eight House of Christmas, The Angel gave to me,
Eight Cloudy's Milking (O.O)
Seven Jechts A-Swimming
Six Golbezes Praying
FIVE GOLDEN RINGS (Emperor: Ha Ha Ha HA!)
Four Calling Birds (Kuja: Tra La La!)
Three Cycle Men (Garland: You're Finished!")
Two TURTLE Doves
And a Sword Sticking Through Dis Pear Tree!
Kuja: I had no idea you could be such a good actor, Kefka. I suppose I misjudged you.
Kefka: *Eating a fresh new Bowl of SMACKS, stolen from Golbez and Cecil's house* There's NOTHING I can't do!
Ultimecia: That aside, we're approaching the next house. I believe this is where the two feckless destroyers reside.
Mateus: Yes, so very, very feckless.
Kuja: They are very feckless.
Ultimecia: Feckless.
Mateus: Feckless.
Kuja: Sooooo feckless.
Kefka: ...
Mateus: Oh. No offense to you, Kefka.
Kefka: -.-
*Inside the House*
Shantotto: Belief in Santa is something I lack,
Common sense, dear, is what I have in packs.
I'll sit by this tree all night long...
*Kuja comes down the Chimney*
Shantotto: Oh! A man in a thong!
*The rest follow him down*
Cloud of Darkness: What is this? You dare impede upon our home?
Mateus: Oh dear. I did not expect them both to be awake.
Ultimecia: And without even having any tree or presents, no less.
Shantotto: Ohohohoho! You're as transparent as glass!
You came to steal Christmas, you pompous ass?
Well you're now to be sourly disappointed.
Our lack of gifts leaves your plan disjointed!
Cloudy: But we'll be happy to show you to the Void.
Shantotto: Class is in Session!
Kuja: *Chuckles* Don't you think you're getting ahead of yourself? You two may be powerful, but you're still outnumbered two to one, and by four powerful casters no less.
Cloudy: Ahahahaha. How ignorant of you... We will show you... despair! *Takes Battle-ready pose*
Shantotto: *Follows suit*
Villains: *All do so as well*
A battle was sure to be fought now.
But who would win, and how?
When we last left our Friends,
If you can call them that,
They were faced with the threat of Bitter End,
Any tricks left in their hats?
Cloudy: Now then... *Glares confidently* Let us close this story! *Places hands together to charge a Particle Beam*
Kefka: Haa! *Fires a Scatter-Spray Blizzaga*
Shantotto: Seriously... *Unleashes a Stun Spell, banishing the Blizzaga*
Cloudy: Perish. *Fires a very wide LAZAR!!!!111*
*Amidst the ensuing destruction of the house, a bright flash of light could be seen*
Kuja: That wasn't bad at all.
*The smoke clears to reveal God-Mode Kefka, Emperor of Hell, Trance Kuja, the Red-Furred Genome, and Ultimecia junctioned with Griever*
Cloudy: *Gasp of surprise* EX Mode!?
Mateus: Hahahaha.... Indeed. You'd be amazed at how many EX Cores we found while looting houses.
Kefka: *Cackles* Watch this... *Throws out some Wiggly Wobbly Firagas - times four gangstas!*
Shantotto: Now this just won't do at all- *dodges a Fireball as she takes to the sky* If this goes on, we'll surely fall...
Cloudy: *Also taking to the air* Ahahahaha! You should know better than to underestimate us!
Mateus: Talk to the stars. *Begins charging Star Fall*
Ultimecia: Really? 'Talk to the Stars'?
Mateus: Silence. HEAVUNS!!!
Kefka: Whadda ya think of this!? *Forsaken Nulls*
Shantotto: Oh, what do I think, you crooked clown?
I'm afraid I'll have to let you down.
After all, my thoughts are none too nice-
*Activates Two-Hour Ability*
For I think that you'll look better on ice! *casts Freeze*
Kefka: Gak! *Tries to pull out of his spell, but is too late, getting struck by the giant Ice Crystal*
Shantotto: Ohohohoho- ah! *Suddenly unable to move*
Ultimecia: I, am more powerful, than you. Hmmhmhmhm. *Successfully casted Time Crush*
Mateus: *Quickly Dodging Fusillade Beams, which have been interrupting him* That's wonderful. How about assisting me.
Ultimecia: Ha. You need help dodging those?
Mateus: She's spamming them with her ability! I am unable to get close! *Dodges and knocks back a Flare she had sent back at him* And her 0-Form technique is not helping.
Kefka: *Shaking head and slowly climbing out of the ice* She must be using a Sustained EX Build. Like us. Heeheehee. But I have something she doesn't~
Ultimecia: Oh? *Charging a Great Attractor at Shantotto's frozen form*
Kefka: EX DEPLETION!!! HAHAHAHAHA! *Fires another WW Firaga*
Cloudy: Perish! *Fires a 0-Form beam, only to have the Fireballs move around it behind her, striking her from behind*
Kefka: Don't mess with me. *Havoc Wings her, knocking her out of EX Mode with Depletion*
Cloudy: Ugh...You cursed...!
Mateus: Fool. *Bombards her into a waiting Thunder Crest*
Ultimecia: Ha! *Fires the Attractor, sending Shantotto flying into the Crest as well*
Shantotto: ugh...my my, it seems as though the tide is turning...*Zapped several times*
But my question is.... is something burning!?!? *Fires a Flare spell*
Mateus: Run Amok. *Fires a Flare and shields behind it with Kefka and Ultimecia*
Shantotto: Clever, clever, but this time-
Kuja: I cannot stand any more rhymes! Just go away!
Shantotto: What?
Cloudy: *Looks up* That clever-!
Shantotto: he was hiding above the whole time!
Kuja: *Smirks and delivers an Ultima to the entrapped pair* Curtain rise! *Begins further bombarding the two with magical explosions* It's time for the Finale!!!
*And amidst a burst of light, the two titans let out twin screams of defeat*
Shantotto: *Cough* You learned... from the best... *Collapses*
Cloudy: *Chuckling* You have...surpassed... *vanishes*
Cloudy's Voice: I will be waiting... in the VOID....
Exdeath: *Pokes his head out of the Christmas bag* VOID.
Garland: *still hung around Exdeath* Miserable insect.
*Both then retreat back into the bag*
*And so, the four anti-heroes then returned back into their normal states*
Ultimecia: I must say, we work awfully well together.
Mateus: *smirks* We certainly cover our bases where offensive and defensive skills are concerned.
Kefka: *Cackles* Who cares about any of that? As long as we can destroy things, nothing else matters.
Kuja: *Chuckling* Come now, Kefka, surely you must have found some enjoyment in it.
Kefka: Ah, well, you guys aren't bad, I suppose... *picking his ear with a grin on his face*
Mateus: Well, they had no gifts to steal, but it seems we have successfully ruined their Christmas.
Kuja: Shall we be off then?
Mateus: Indeed we shall. There are still a few left to make miserable, after all.
And so it was, with an evil laugh
The group split the two Tians' house in half.
A housefire was soon to follow,
so that when they came to, they would further wallow.
And with a huff and a snort,
a cackle and a hum,
They finished their sport,
And went back on the run.
Time was short this Christmas Eve,
There was more to steal, more to deceive.
And with a jump into the Quartet's sleigh,
The four evil-doers were on their way.
Firion: Deck the halls with Wild Roses.
All: Falalalalala, lala lala.
Bartz: Lots of sugar!
Tidus: Double doses!
All: Falalalala, lala lalala.
Cecil: Watching the moonlight on the snow~
All: Falala, Falala, Lalala!
Terra: Friends are more than you could know~
All: Falalalala, lala lala!
WoL: Deck the halls with shining beacons!
All: Falalalala, lala lala.
Zidane: Everyday's a three-day weekend!
All: Falalalala, lala lala.
Squall: One time a year, no need to be alone.
All: Falala, Falala, Lalala!
Cloud: Everyone can call someplace home.
All: Falalalala, lala lala!
Onion Knight: Merry Christmas! And a Happy New Year!
At the Ninth House of Christmas, The Angel gave to me,
Nine Ultis dancing
Eitght Cloudys Milking (O.O)
Seven Jechts A-Swimming
Six Golbezes Praying
FIVE GOLDEN RINGS (Mateus: Ha Ha Ha HA!)
Four Calling Birds (Kuja: Tra La La!)
Three Cycle Men (Garland: You're Finished!)
Two TURTLE Doves
And a sword sticking through Dis Pear Tree!
Kuja: So! Now that we have disposed of the untalented, and successfully brought despair upon their home, what is next for us?
Ultimecia: Dis Pear. *Holds up a Pear*
Kuja: ...
Kefka: *Eats the Pear*
Mateus: You just ate Dis Pear.
Kefka: *Nods*
All: *Laugh*
Mateus: In any case, we have but three more residences to loot. Then we can finish.
*And so, the group flew to one of the only remaining houses*
Kuja: Hmph. This is where that horrid little brat lives, isn't it?
Kefka: Mmmm, I do believe so.
Ultimecia: But isn't he with the girl right now?
Kuja: You know, I don't think we established that.
Ulrimecia; Oh. *Turns to look at the screen* For those of you who didn't know that Onion Knight was sleeping at Terra's house, well... now you do. So...that's that.
Mateus: That being said, let's burn this house to the ground.
And that's exactly what they did,
Glaring at the house-like Spire,
They opened a gas can's lid,
and set the house on fire!
*And so, they once again took off, flying at light speeeeeeeeedd...... except not really*
At the tenth house of Christmas, The angel gave to me,
Ten Kefkas leasping
Nine Ultis dancing
Eight Cloudys Milking (O.O)
Seven Jechts A-Swimming
Six Golbezes Praying
FIVE GOLDEN RINGS (Mateus: Ha Ha Ha HA!)
Four Calling Birds (Kuja: Tra La La!)
Three Cycle Men (Garland: You're Finished!)
Two TURTLE Doves
And a sword sticking through Dis Pear Tree!
Mateus: *Staring at a script* ...Hmmm? *Looks up* Oh! We're doing the next house already? *tosses the script and reading glasses aside* Ahem...
So, now, we have two last houses to visit...
Kuja: *whispers* You should REALLY be off-book by now... *speaking normally* Right! Who's next?
Mateus: Hmph. The judge.
Deep, deep into the Dissdia Town,
was a house that would make anyone frown.
It was dark, it was dank, it was filled with hate,
and a large, vicious dog guarded the gate.
Kefka: Cummere pooch... *approaches the dog slowly*
Dog: Grrrrrr. *Raises the fur on its back, foaming at the mouth and bearing its fangs at Kefka.*
Kefka: *smirks* Really? This is the best you can do, Judgey?
*I shall now spare you the gruesome details of what Kefka has done to that poor, poor dog*
Mateus: ...Oh....right then.
Kefka: ^_^
Gabranth: YOU KILLED POOCHY!
Ultimecia: When the hell did you get here?
Gabranth: At some point between Kefka's last two bits of dialogue.
Kuja: Well. This is inconvenient. Now you know we're here.
Gabranth: Indeed! And I shall make you pay!
Kuja: Bring it, girlfriend!
Gabranth: *Strikes battle pose* HATRED IS WOT DRIVES ME!
Mateus: *Charges Starfall*
Gabranth: Graaaaaah! *Starts using EX Charge*
Mateus: Hahahaha.
Gabranth: *EX Charge*
Mateus: HEAVUNS.
Gabranth: *EX Charge*
Mateus: HNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!
Gabranth: *EX Charge*
Mateus: Hah! *Releases the Star*
Gabranth: Oh no! Wot happened!? My "Counterattack with EX Charge" strategy didn't work!? *Gets smashed by Starfall*
Kuja: ...that was rather anti-climactic.
Ultimecia: I can't help but agree.
Gabranth: *Collapses and bursts into flames*
Kefka: Oooh~
Gabranth: *Explodes*
Mateus: ... Let's just go to the next house, hmm?
All: *Silently nod and slowly walk away*
And with despair, in a loose sense of the word delivered, the quartet made their way back to the sleigh, prepared to move onto the next, and final stop....
It was with great finality, on this cold night,
With the grins in place, and the mood just right,
With the bags of loot stuffed up tight,
that the group finally went for the Warrior of Light
At the Eleventh House of Christmas, the Angel gave to me,
Eleven Blitzballs Laughing
Ten Kefkas Leaping,
Nine Ultis Dancing,
Eight Cloudys Milking (O.O)
Seven Jechts A-Swimming
Six Golbezes Praying
FIVE GOLDEN RINGS (Mateus: Ha Ha Ha HA!)
Four Calling Birds (Kuja: Tra La La!)
Three Cycle Men (Garland: You're Finished!)
Two TURTLE Doves
And a Sword sticking through Dis Pear Tree!
You're a terror, Mr. Emps.
Your soul, is filled, with ROT!
You disregard humanity and your attitude is simply vile,
Mr. EeeeeeeeeeeeeeeMPS!
(Spoken) Your soul is a cornacopia of terror, with no room to see beyond the pitch black expanse. You're genocidal, greedy, and a...
(song) Terrible excuse for a human being!!!!
Mateus: The time has come to finally end this.
Kuja, Ultimecia, Kefka: *Evil smirk*
*After once again Flaring the chimney, the Quartet of evil finally made their way into the final house*
Kuja: Oh... oh my~
The four, after falling into the room,
were quite surprised by what they saw.
Lots of flowers lined the walls in full bloom,
And the light left them all in awe.
Occupying the center of the spacious place,
glinting gold and shining birght,
was a great, glittering bathtub, which could reflect your face,
and inside was the Warrior of Light.
Light: *Laying with his head against the edge of the tub, snoozing softly.*
Kefka: Teehee! We've interrupted bath time!
Ultimecia: Shhhhh! He's sleeping so peacefully. Robbing him will be a sinch.
Kuja: Is that.... light? That's not water at all.
Mateus: So... he's bathing in the light?
All: *Guffaw*
It didn't take long, with the Warrior out cold,
They ransacked the house for all things young and old.
They took fresh new presents, they took the Tree,
They took old artifacts, they took the tea!
They took everything in the pretty house,
leaving it Devoid of all things, even a Mouse.
The walls were naught but hooks and scrapes,
The floor was dusty, the windows without drapes.
About the only thing left was the golden bath,
left alone for fear of waking the Warrior, incurring his wrath.
And so it was now that the quartet raced,
up a snowy slope at a breakneck pace.
Kuja soared through the cloudy skies,
The sleigh pulled behind him, amidst joyous cries.
They had won! Christmas had been taken at last!
All that was left was one final task.
To the top of the slope, where all would be destroyed -
Every package, book, game and toy.
Mateus: Here finally ends this accursed day!
Kuja: Yes! Let us await the dawn, so that we can hear their cries of dismay in a wonderful song of misery!
Ultimecia: And once we hear that, we'll let them watch from afar as we drop everything here from the highest cliff, into the ravine below.
Kefka: And then we'll destroy it all! And finally...
Mateus: Amidst their whales of misery, we shall descend upon them and kill them all.
???: But is that truly... what is in your heart?
And the four were all shocked,
surprise on their faces,
As they looked up to see Cosmos - here of all places!
Cosmos: *Hovering in midair, just off the cliff, smiling sadly*
Mateus: *Snarling* Away from me, petty Goddess! You shall not stop us!
Cosmos: *shakes head* I did not come to stop you.
Kuja: ...You didn't?
Cosmos: No. I came only to talk. Tell me... why do you seek to bring misery upon so many?
Kefka: Why? WHY? Ohohohohoho! What a question! I'll tell you why - it's because it's all so disgusting!
Cosmos: Disgusting?
Kefka: Heheheh. Makes me wanna puke my guts out. All that love and companionship.
Cosmos: What is so wrong with it?
Kefka: *Pauses* It's pointless. All of it, everything! ....Why waste time trying to get to know other people? Why tie yourselves to them? They'll only die. We'll all only die. There's no reason to get close! Death is the fate of all things!
...Love....hahahaha...Fellowship....so pointless....NONE OF IT IS ENOUGH TO FULFILL YOUR HEARTS! DESTRUCTION! DESTRUCTION IS THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES LIFE WORTH LIVING!
Cosmos: But Kefka... why should you only try to hasten....that which you know will come?
Kefka: WHY NOT!?
Cosmos: What you say...is true. Death awaits everything that draws breath. Even the Gods themselves, someday find its grasp. But don't you see? That is what makes life all the more precious. During this time you spend in the living world, such a fleeting moment in the grand scheme of things, you have an Opportunity.... An opportunity to make life worth living for other people.
Kefka: ...
Cosmos: And that, in turn, will let you find your own meaning to existence. Think about it, Kefka. Wouldn't it be worth giving a try?
Kefka: Er-! That's....
Kuja: Preposterous! Trying to extend your heart to others....it's useless too!
Cosmos: What makes you say that?
Kuja: Other people... they'll only try to hurt you. Once you expose your heart to them, they prey on it like vultures!
...There is no use... in bonding with other people! It's better off to destroy everything!
Cosmos: Kuja... your faith is easily shaken, isn't it?
Kuja: Be quiet!
Cosmos: Kuja, it is true that there are those who will take advantage of you. There are those who will seek only to bring you misery as soon as you make the opportunity available - it's much like what you four are doing now.
But Kuja, these times are necessary. If you keep shutting yourself out, to shield yourself from heartbreak, you will only succeed in shutting out those who really do matter. Kuja, your life will be filled with more misery than you could ever hope to inflict on others, if you cannot even offer others a chance.
Kuja: ...!
Cosmos: If you cannot take my word for it... look there. *points at a particular gift poking out of a bag*
Kuja: *Silently grabs it* "To: Kuja.... From: Zidane?!"
Cosmos: *Softly smiles*
Kuja: *Quickly opens the gift and pulls out a small Figurine of Zidane, then pulls out a letter* "Hey Kuja,
I think you act a little too anti-social, and you really don't need to. So here's a little image of yours truly, to remind ya that someone cares. So come visit sometime!
- Zidane"
...Oh...this is...
Cosmos: Do you see?
Ultimecia: But even if you can find people who can appreciate you, they cannot understand you.
Cosmos: Oh?
Ultimecia: No one can understand my goal. I only want an ideal world. A world where we can all live in happiness - but whenever I try to explain it, no one can appreciate it. They can't comprehend how such a world would be the best for everyone. Tell me, Cosmos, what is the point to companionship if true understanding is beyond our reach?
Mateus: And I'm only doing this because I like making people suffer. What have you to say to that?
Cosmos: Well, you two are messed up.
Ultimecia: ...That's it?
Cosmos: yeah. I mean, seriously, understanding is one thing, but that doesn't mean people have to agree with you. Here, I guess I can cook something up fir you two:
Ahem.
Disagreements are what make people unique. If you cannot find anyone to agree with you, at least keep trying, because if they listen, then they are at least willing to talk to you. How's that?
Ultimecia: Alright, I suppose.
Cosmos: And Mateus, just think of Firion. When he thought you were Santa, and gave you such a trusting smile, did you not feel at all warm inside?
Mateus: i guess, a little. I was more happy that he was buying my lies, and felt so delectably evil.
Cosmos: -.- You're beyond help.
And then something wonderful happened.
Down below, in Dissidiaville, all the boys and all the girls came into the Square, and they began to sing! Nonsensical words, but singing all the same.
Tidus: Why are we singing?
Bartz: I dunno. Cosmos said it would fix things if we did.
Squall: *Mouthing the words, refusing to actually sing*
*Back up on the slope*
So you see, maybe Christmas didn't come from the store....
Maybe, Christmas meant something a little bit more...
Kuja: It came without packages!
Kefka: It came without tags!
Mateus: It came without books, boxes or bags.
Kuja: Gasp! *Sees the Sleigh sliding over the mountain*
Mateus: ...
And what happened then, well in Dissidiaville they say,
That The Emperor's Black Heart grew Half a size that day!
Mateus: ...Well, alright. *Runs to the top of the Hill and Thunder Crests the Sleigh, holding it in place* Kuja!
Kuja: Right! *Flies over the side of the cliff and ties the line to himself, pulling up with all his might*
And with the power of conviction, he knew what to do!
And he gained the strength then of TEN Kujas, plus two!
Kuja: Now... let's return these gifts!
Mateus: Sure. Alright.
And racing down the slopes, the Quartet smiled,
Doing the first nice thing they'd done in a while!
They were greeted by smiles, and greeted by cheers!
For Cosmos said not to attack them, or face the punishment of a thousand years!
Before long, the entire Square was lit up,
And all the gifts had been righted and fixed,
and now the Villains could go and enjoy,
The happy festivities of good and evil mixed!
Kuja: Zidane...I got your present.
Zidane: Oh, ya did? Well, I'm glad.
Kuja: *Grin*
Zidane: *Grin*
Kuja: Um... we're beneath the mistletoe?
Zidane: ...Oh, Hell no.
Kuja: Thought it was worth a shot.
Terra: here Kefka, I got you something.
Kefka: *Flabbergasted* Fore...me? *points at self*
Terra: *Nods and smiles*
Kefka: *Opens up the box* Some....SOME NEW BOOTS!!!! YES! I CAN CRUSH SO MANY SKULLS WITH THESE!
Terra: ^^;
Squall: Here.
Ultimecia: Oooh. Nude photos?
Squall: Enjoy 'em.
Firion: Emperor...
Mateus: Yes?
Firion: I didn't get you anything.
Mateus: I'm okay with that.
And then something happened, amongst laughs and cheers,
And The Onion Knight stopped showing off his Wind Sheers.
Out from the bag popped the most beautiful tree,
wrapped in the best-looking Garland - a treat to see!
Exdeath: Pathetic mortals. Prepare to experience... THE VOID's Christmas.
Garland: I, Garland, shall knock you all down.... with presents!
And then a pile of presents collapsed upon the crowd,
Who laughed, and laughed, really quite loud!
Exdeath: Enjoy them. They are a rare treat.
Garland: Indeed. Isn't it neat?
Exdeath: And now, a message from the VOID, to end the Night.
Sephiroth: *Suddenly appears and poses on top of the Christmas Exdeath* Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good Night.
Cloud: ....*Stares at the sight* No more drugs for me.
Cecil: I agree.
Sephiroth: Now....
On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, I, The Angel, gave to me,
Twelve Judges Judging (Gabranth: HATRED!)
Eleven Blitzballs Laughing (Shantotto: Ohohohho!)
Ten Kefkas Leaping (Kefka: BOING!)
Nine Ultis Dancing (Ultimecia: I got shafted in this story)
Eight Cloudys Milking (CoD: Feel the VOID's Milk...)
Seven Jechts A-Swimming (Jecht: Woohoo!)
Six Golbezes Praying (Golbez: I must atone for my sins)
FIVE GOLDEN RINGS (Mateus: Ha Ha Ha HA!)
Four Calling Birds 9Kuja: Tra La La!)
Three Cycle Men (Garland: You're Finished!)
Two TURTLE Doves
And my Sword, sticking through Dis Pear Tree.
Exdeath: VOID.
All: Merry Christmas! And a Happy New Year!
~The End~
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