God and Wyoming

by Jay Williams

Published December 2001, Barbaric Yawp

It was time that He taught them a lesson. For too long He had let things go, and now it was out of hand. His only alternative was to make them see the error of their ways, and to do that, He would reclaim what was His. He would repossess Wyoming.

God reached down his hand and pointed to that western state, and then in a booming voice, heard around the world in every language, He announced His plan.

"People of the world, behold! I, your master and maker, have grown dissatisfied with your despoiling of my beautiful creation. You foul the air, you darken the waters and you ruin the land. Therefore, as a token of my anger, and to show you the folly of your evil ways, I am reclaiming a piece of what is mine. I will take back the area the people in the United States call "Wyoming." No human may walk through this land or travel through its air until that time that I deem man has learned his lesson!"

The people of the world listened to God's words, thought about them for a moment, then collectively shrugged their shoulders.

"Fine with us," they said in Germany.

"Whatever you say," they agreed in Kenya.

"Why not?" they all intoned in China.

Of course, the people in the U.S. weren't too keen on this idea, especially the ones in Wyoming. So the people began to mumble amongst themselves. They rent their clothes and wailed to the heavens, and of course, there were some who threw dirt on themselves. A few even began to fashion a golden idol in the shape of a television set, in the hopes of attracting a more modern God. However, the majority organized as a whole and began to question God.

Just as God was about to reach down to Earth again, to wipe out the few people in the state and to put an invisible barrier around the borders, He heard the collective voice of the people crying up to him.

"Hey! Who do you think you are?" they said.

God paused and looked quizzically down at the United States. "I'm God. Didn't I say that earlier?"

"Prove it," they answered back.

"Thou shalt not test the Lord, thy God," God snapped back.

The people thought about this for a moment and then came up with a new track. "Okay, so maybe you're God, and maybe you ain't. But why pick on us?"

"I'm not picking on you, I'm trying to show you the error of your ways before you completely destroy the world."

"So why the U.S.? Why not some desert somewhere, or some Godless country like, oh, Belgium?"

God was taken aback. These people are all insane, maybe He should take the whole country. No, it would defeat the purpose, He told himself.

"Listen," God said, trying not to raise his voice in anger. "I picked the U.S. because you are the biggest abuser, the most ungodly and materialistic of the countries. If you can see the error of your ways, perhaps others will also."

The people were flustered. "Wait a minute!" they said in unison. "At least let us have a congressional study about it."

God shrugged his shoulders. Since a day is as a thousand to him, He decided it wouldn't matter. Of course, God hadn't paid much attention to congress before and didn't realize what he was getting into. The congressmen yelled at each other, went on fact-finding trips to Paris and visited with lobbyists and constituents for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, even His patience was strained (at the time, the issue was in a joint committee), and He decided to claim Wyoming.

"Time's up!" God said. "I am taking what is mine."

But just as He reached down to claim the state, the people let out one large groan. "Wait! Wait! At least give us a fair trial!" they all said.

God laughed. "You people have been breathing the air too long. I'm God. There is no need for a trial. I am just. I am truth."

But it didn't matter. Before God could claim His land, the people had organized a court and were beginning the trial. He should have, and could have, gone ahead and taken what was rightfully His, but His curiosity was piqued, and since He had given them free will, He had to see what they were up to. He pulled off the roof of the building they were holding the trial in, not because He needed to see inside mind you, mainly just to reinforce His presence, and He marveled at the people's creativity. The people had cleverly picked the best trial lawyers in the world to represent them, and had assigned the losingest lawyer in history to represent him. Well, maybe it wasn't that clever. Anyway, He laughed and told His lawyer to take a hike.

"So you want to represent yourself?" the judge asked.

"Of course. I am God."

"Well, might be foolhardy. It's best to have a lawyer, but it's your prerogative."

The trial dragged on for years. It soon became the longest case in history. The lawyers for the people opened by challenging His status as God. He attempted to prove His existence by turning the reporters in attendance into jackals, but the judge disallowed the evidence as inconclusive. He then turned the judge into a pillar of salt and so the lawyers agreed in principle that he might be God.

However, the bitterest exchanges came later over rights to the land.

"Do you have a deed to this land, sir?" one of the crack attorneys asked.

"Deed? I am God. I created this land!"

"Immaterial. We have countless witnesses on hand who can come forward and prove ownership to various tracts of land within Wyoming. Legal documents, mind you. Leases and contracts assigning the land to them and their heirs."

God shook His head in disgust. "So having a piece of paper gives you people right to this land?"

"It is a legal document assigning the rights to that land, yes."

"Then, where did the previous owners get their piece of paper to the land?" God asked with a chuckle.

"From the previous owners," all the lawyers chimed in smugly.

"And from the previous owners and previous owners and previous owners, etc. And I assume those previous and previous owners bought their paper from the Indians?" God said, with a twinkle in His eyes.

"Objection!" the lawyers shouted to the new judge.

"Sustained," he said.

God turned him into a frog and then continued with this argument. "Of course you object! Your previous owners didn't buy a piece of paper from the Indians. The Indians were barbarians to the previous owners and incapable of owning pieces of paper! The Indians didn't own the land in the same manner as the previous owners. They didn't put up fences, post signs, build houses. So the previous owners took the land and made up their pieces of paper!" God bellowed.

"Ah, but can we be held responsible for the actions of our forebears?" a young lawyer from Iowa asked.

"Good point," God declared, right before turning him into a rabbit. He thought better of it and changed him back, for he was, after all, a forgiving God. "But there is a point where madness must be brought to a halt. Such as destroying the land, or falsely believing that a piece of paper can prove ownership and thereby gives you the right to abuse that land. The real point I was about to get to, was that even though the previous owners stole the land from the Indians, the Indians did not own it--which they admitted, I might add. They knew that the land was not a possession you could hold and presume to own, but was an entity which you can love and work with. It is a companion that can help, or hurt you. A living force that has life through the creatures that inhabit it! Yes, this land that you deem can be owned by pushing around pieces of paper, is a spirit that lives and grows within all creatures, and like a creature with flesh, can die if mistreated! This, this is why I have come to reclaim what I created!" God shouted, pointing a finger at the state to add emphasis.

The jury and spectators went wild. They stood in unison and applauded and shouted hallelujahs (for God was a very persuasive orator). The media that hadn't been turned into jackals burst from the courtroom to be the first to report the dramatic turn, and the hoopla went on for days. It was a foregone conclusion that God had won the trial, and the jury took just two days (a mere half second to God) to deliberate and rule in God's favor.

However, before God could claim Wyoming, the lawyers found a technicality and the new, new judge was left with no alternative but to rule in the people's favor. God was rightly disappointed and turned the new, new judge into a cockroach. He also vowed to appeal the ruling.

At this time, the case is in federal court and is in its fortieth year. Wyoming has since been turned into a parking lot.

(image from http://iselgfx.deviantart.com/gallery/)