4. Chapter Three: Listening to God through Key Questions

1. Mental prayer and spiritual growth

In this Chapter we shall suggest a practical way to make progress in our spiritual life through the habit of mental prayer. Let us begin with a bit of theological presentation of how to grow spiritually towards holiness.

There are two major ways of understanding spiritual progress. The classical treatises present it as a double task: to grow in virtue and to lessen our faults. That is why the Church declares that a person was a saint when we can prove that he or she lived Christian virtues to a heroic degree while trying to avoid not only mortal and venial sins but even non-deliberate faults and imperfections. On the other hand, a relational view of the spiritual life presents spiritual growth as a process of deepening our loving relationship with God and all his children. That is why all saintly people shine for their perfection of charity --the perfection of their love for God and neighbor. In both presentations the quality of our prayer is a key to spiritual growth.

Those two ways are related and should not be taken separatedly. A misunderstanding of the classical view could lead to a sort of self-centered spiritual life: with too much emphasis in self-perfection, we could develop a result-oriented approach with its risks of perfectionism and frequent discouragements. Prayer life could be reduced to a monologue of self-evaluation and decision-making to improve performance in our struggle to avoid sin and acquire virtues.

On the other hand, a misunderstanding of the relational view could lead to a sort of emotions-centered spiritual life: with too much emphasis on loving relationships, we could develop a feelings-oriented approach with its risks of emotionalism and subject to the ups and downs of our affectivity. Prayer life could be reduced to the experience of feeling loved by God and feeling like loving others.

Contemporary spiritual theology is trying to make an integrative presentation of both views to prevent those two reductionist misunderstandings. We cannot discuss it all in this limited booklet. We just want to mark that our spiritual progress towards holiness should take up the two dimensions emphasized by each view: the fact that spiritual life is essentially a relational reality and the fact that such relationship should make us better persons with real correction of sinful behavior and real virtuous deeds. Let us focus now on the consequences of this integrative view for the quality of our prayer life.

In the first place, prayer could be not only the expression of a loving relationship with God, but also a key means to grow and deepen our love for Him. Just like in human relationships we become loving when we are loved, so it is in the spiritual life: our love for God grows when we become aware that He loves us. The practical point for my daily prayer time is that I should find ways to become aware of His love for me today. In as much as I discover how real his love for me is I will almost effortlessly grow in love for Him.

On the other hand, prayer could be the time to make decisions on how to love God with deeds and not only with feelings. Just like in human relationships we grow in mutual love when we actually make the other person happy, so it is in the spiritual life: we become more real lovers of God when we decide to follow his ways. The practical point for my daily prayer time is that I should reflect on how --today-- I could avoid sin and act as Christ would do in my place.

We could say that the first dimension --becoming aware of God's love-- is more of a gift than the fruit of efforts and techniques: it is more the contemplation aspect of prayer. On the other hand, the second dimension --decisions of avoiding sin and living virtue-- is our response to the previous gift: it is more the meditative aspect of prayer. In any case, we should aim at integrating the two dimensions in a quality prayer time. There are countless ways and methods which could help to that integration. In this Chapter we shall present just a simple one that we shall call the three questions. We shall also show a way to connect this way of praying with the power to grow we can find in sacramental Confession.

2. Three key questions

Sometime after the Maligays had learned to practice the basic method, they heard this advice coming from Saint Josemaria: we can practice examination of conscience daily by asking these three questions:

1. Lord, what have I done right today?

2. What have I done wrong?

3. What could I have done better today?

The Maligays decided to try these three questions not only for their examination of conscience but also during mental prayer, as a sort of outline to do the listening part of the basic method.

Let us look into some excerpts of their prayer when they started to use those three questions.

TOM

Lord, what good have I done today?

(...)

Yes, I really tried to give myself to Annie. I listened to her with attention even if I was in a hurry. At breakfast, she started to ask what to do with the invitation from Jimmy's school; I did not feel like talking about it because I wanted to leave right away for the office. Then, Lord, your light came to tell me that last night I had not listened to her. And so, I took all the time to discuss it until we agreed that we should both attend. Thank you, Lord, for your instant inspiration and for the grace to act rightly.

What have I done wrong today?

(...)

Sorry, Lord. Yes, I cheated in that transaction. I am sorry but I could not help it --it is the only way to survive in business. What do you think?

(...)

You are right Lord. It is not the only way. I am so sorry I succumbed again to rationalizations. I guess that without this mental prayer I would have justified my sin again. I am really sorry. I will try to do something about the cheating. With your help, Lord. Forgive me and help me more.

What could have I done better today?

(...)

Yes, I could have been more patient with Bong in the office. He really got into my nerves. He was so slow to get instructions right; I have to correct him strongly...

(...)

Yes. I see your point. One thing is to correct clearly and another is to correct in a humiliating manner.

Tomorrow I will make up for the cheating and try to apologize to Bong.

BETH

What have I done well today? --Nothing. I did everything wrong...

(...)

Sorry; I did not listen to you first. Speak Lord. What good have I done today?

(...)

Well, yes. I tried to be good and to listen to Cathy; I did console her. I also managed to come to prayer here with you. Yes, but many things went wrong today...

(...)

You are right. One thing is that some things went wrong today, and another is to think that I am bad or that this world is all wrong. But I did some wrong things like cheating in the accounting test...

(...)

O.K. That is the question number two in the advice of Saint Josemaria. I should not jump; I should recognize first the good things of the day. Yes. Thank you for all the good things you did and for the good things I did. Finished the first question; now the second.

What did I do wrong? I told you --I cheated.

(...)

Yes. I am willing to make up and study well the coverage of that test. Thank you for forgiving me again. Help me more.

What could I have done better? -I don't know. Oops... I haven't listened to you yet. Speak Lord, tell me.

(...)

For one, I got into a negative mood again and started to look at myself and the world as if all were bad.

(...)

Yes Lord, I am willing to control myself better; if tomorrow I begin to feel negative again, I will come to you at least in my heart and ask your help to be more objective and positive. Please give me more faith to recognize also all the good desires and happenings of the day.

3. The wisdom of the three questions

In these excerpts from Tom's and Beth's prayers we can see the wisdom of asking all the three questions to grow spiritually.

We said at the beginning of this Chapter that, if we want to grow spiritually, we should become more aware of God's love for us. This can be done in our daily prayer time by reviewing the good things of the day. Since all good things come from God, both the good things we do and the good things that happen to us, they all help to become aware of his goodness and love for us. This is the wisdom of the first question --we listen to God telling us of his love in deeds.

On the other hand, our response should not remain at the level of attitude or general feeling; we should seek to please God with loving deeds. And here comes the wisdom of the other two questions. By facing our faults through the second question we can listen to God telling us --like a good Father-- the things that we should correct because they are not good for us or and for others. Through the third question we listen to God telling us the good He wishes us to do.

Again, we saw earlier the risk of reducing spiritual growth to the struggle of avoiding sin and developing virtue; we could become perfectionists and eventually get discouraged, lax or back to lukewarmness. Using the three questions in prayer is a simple and wise method of keeping away from those risks. Through the first we do not lose sight of the goodness of the Lord and, thus, we avoid discouragement. The second helps us see our sinfulness and avoid laxity. Through the third we can see a goal or resolution to do better, thus avoiding stagnation or lukewarmness.

4. Mental prayer and regular confession

To go to Confession is always an encounter with God and his mercy. In this sacrament, He not only forgives our sins but He gives us his grace to do better in the things we confess. Moreover, the Holy Spirit might give us some direction for our spiritual growth through the advice of the confessor. For all these benefits, many a Christian does not appreciate regular Confession when there is no mortal sins to confess. How can we develop a love for this wonderful encounter with God?

The Maligays also learned another practical advice about the three questions in mental prayer. It consists in writing down what they got in prayer as answer to the questions. This they do in a personal notebook or journal, always in a discrete manner. After a week or two, they would reflect on those notes in prayer.

This practice is very useful to understand the lead and direction from the Lord for our spiritual growth. Moreover, those notes are very helpful to prepare and live a meaningful Confession. Let us witness how they do all of this in prayer.

TOM

Today, Lord, let us talk about my spiritual progress for the past weeks. Send your Spirit. Come Holy Spirit, show me some direction as I try to reflect on my daily notes about the three questions.

On the first question I see that I am doing better and better about listening to Annie --thank you Lord. I see all types of things on the second question: several days I noted irritations about Bong; but lately it was o.k. On the third question my notebook shows almost nothing. What does it mean? They said this question is crucial for growth. What shall I do?

(...)

That sounds good; yes, I will try to ask that friend who explained the three questions to me; or maybe I will ask the priest when I go to Confession. There, I will confess about my lack of charity with Bong and then I will ask suggestions on what points I should do better because I do not see much in my day-to-day mental prayer.

ANNIE

This thing of the personal notebook is not so easy. Sometimes I misplace it but today here it is. And here we are to see a summary of the past weeks.

My record on the first question is almost always blank. Actually, it is Tom who is improving a lot since he started the habit of mental prayer. He has always been good but still he is becoming a better husband and parent.

The second question is always with the same thing: distracted in my prayers, irritated with some people, worried about everything, and talking too much about everybody.

(...)

Exactly. That is what the confessor is telling me: that I tend to generalize negatively. I think Beth got it from me. Anyway, I will go to Confession with my usual faults and I hope the priest does not get tired of hearing the same things. I will ask also for some advice on prayer.

The third question. Most of the times I jot down "order". Yes Lord, I could organize myself better and run the house better and plan my prayer life better. I will also ask advice about order.

JUN

Lord, I am afraid of looking at the notes of the past week's prayers. Please help me to face myself again. I would like to go to Confession tomorrow.

And now for the first question... I can see there is a lot of improvement since the time when I started this habit of mental prayer but... There is the "but", Lord; I still did impurities two times. This is the real bad news, I am still struggling on basic self-control.

(...)

Yes, it is encouraging that I am improving and that, at least, I do not justify my sins as I used to do. This is your grace.

(...)

Yes; also my perseverance in this habit of mental prayer; yes it is your gift and grace. Thank you. As for the third question, I see little. What do you think?

(...)

My confessor? Yes, he has been telling me to grow in my prayer life. He advised me to pray with more humility, to pray the Rosary with my girlfriend, to do spiritual reading, to offer my work to God, to help people...

(...)

I got it. I should be less fixated on my struggles in purity and try to grow in other aspects of doing good. Maybe, you mean I should be specific in setting some goals in other areas and be as sincere in pursuing them?

(...)

I shall begin with the goal of praying the Rosary daily.

(...)

Yes, I will try to tell her, but I am a bit shy about these things. I think the girls are supposed to be the ones teaching the guys about these things. Anyway. Thank you for everything.

BETH

Lord, let us look at my prayer journal. Give me your directions for the next week.

In the first question: about the good news... Some days I see good things but some days I see nothing good. I guess it varies with my moods.

In the question about bad news I can see plenty of my faults. I'd better go to Confession this week. I will unload my "bad news" and you will erase everything. That will be great. You are really great.

Look! In the question about growth I notice this pattern: the days I was attacked with negative moods coincide with some difficulty in Accounting. What do you think?

(...)

Yes, it is clear. I should learn to handle this subject matter. Maybe I should ask somebody to tutor me...

(...)

You are right; that is only a technical solution and you are here to improve my spiritual life... but what is the spiritual dimension of it all?

(...)

Yeah. Maybe something about humility? Or is it serenity? I should not allow my difficulty in Accounting to put me down. O.K., when I go to Confession I will ask about it.

JIMMY

Lord, I really like this idea of keeping a journal and answering the three questions. I like the code I invented: first question I call it "R" for right; the second is "W" for wrong and the third is "B" for doing better. Let us see what happened this week.

(...)

Most of the R's are followed by a circle. You know that means I did well in basketball. It is really great. We are a great team and we had lots of fun. Thank you.

Oh, oh. Many days the W is followed by "TV". Some days I find "+TV", and other days it is "iTV". You know: "+" for too much and "i" for indecent.

(...)

Yes, Lord I wish to repent and change. I will go to Confession about TV; I feel guilty about iTV; I had lots of temptations of indecent thoughts because of the iTV. I am a bit ashamed. Lord, help me to be brave and to confess clearly.

(...)

Thank you.

The B is always about studies. You know me Lord; I enjoy vacations and I dislike studying. What can I do? I can't help it.

(...)

You are right Lord. I can do something about it if only i would lessen my TV and basketball... Agggh! Basketball is o.k.! Lord, let me try just cutting a little TV --is it o.k.? Please, let me try first. Promise: I will study harder and there will be no need to cut on basketball. O.k.? You will see: if I change my W's, my B's will also change.

(...)

O.k. I will ask advice from Dad or my teacher first. Thank you again.

(...)

Yes, yes, I will go to Confession this week.

Some exercises

1. Practice the exercise of the three questions during two or three weeks. Do not forget to take some notes of what you see in prayer.

2. Using your notes, prepare a meaningful Confession. You may prepare also some question for spiritual direction from your confessor or your spiritual adviser.