Lyrics

At first I was afraid

I was petrified

Kept thinking I could never do this stuff without my slides

But I spent oh so many nights

Just watching my tv

Now the lesson is tomorrow

There’s no way I’ll be ready!

And now the class

Files into place

They’re sitting towards the back

With that same look upon their faces

I should have read that stupid book

I would have saved it on my key

If I’d have thought for just one minute

How you’d be staring all at me

I’ll show

A little video

Turn around a point

If it’s something I don’t know

If I think they’re catching on

Just try to look them in the eyes

And every twenty minutes say

How ‘bout a break now, guys?

Oh I

I will survive

As long as that clock’s tickin’ man

I know I’m still alive

I’ve got three more hours to give

And then all my life to live

And I’ll survive

I will survive!

It takes all the strength I have

Not to fall apart

Ask me any questions it might

Break my heart

But I’ll improvise a line and

Everything will work out fine

Though it’s wrong

I know you’ll play along

Even if you see

I’m fooling you

You’ve got no real reason

Not to play dumb too

You never really wanted to

Enroll into this class

But if I’ve got nothing to teach you

You’re guaranteed to pass

So show

Another video

Wander back and forth

Cause there’s so much that you don’t know

If you think they’re catching on

Just try to look them in the eyes

And every twenty minutes say

“How ‘bout a break now, guys?”

Oh I

I will survive

As long as that clock’s tickin’, man

I know I’m still alive

I’ve got two more hours to give

And then all my life to live and

I’ll survive

I will survive!

(pre-chorus – between each verse)

Experiment’s running but I got no time

A friend of R2 is a friend of mine

If I submit before daylight

I just might get some sleep tonight

(Chorus – where indicated)

Got two reasons why I cry away each lonely night

The first one’s ready for the lab, and it’s my heart’s delight

The second one’s this sorry mess that’s staring from my screen

I’m on revision thirty-two and don’t know what I mean

Verses

R2 keeps harassing me

Like a pack of 20 hounds

Didn't get to sleep last night

Til morning came around

He wrote 20 goddam pages on a

Paper of fifteen

Most of them just made no sense, but

The rest were pretty mean

Reformat all my tables

Change the note on figure four

R2 recommends reject

but I can’t tell what for

Yes it was the pickiest

Review I’ve ever had

R2’s either a Nobel

Or else an undergrad

(Chorus)

R2 gave me twenty

Extra references to cite

They all share one co-author

And their relevance is slight

He’s asking for more sessions

With a different design

Not sure whose paper he’s been reading

But it might not be mine

Replying to this asshole,

I am tempted to suggest:

You got your own hypothesis

Go run your own damn test

(Chorus)

Got a co-author in Bordeaux

And one in Old Paree

First one’s got a “minor changes”

But it’s not with me

(Extra verses)

If my eyes had not been crying

God knows I would have laughed:

The claims he said “did not convince”

Were nowhere in the draft.

I ran a sweet regression

The devil didn’t care

He took my twenty little stars

And he vanished in the air

R1 says cut sections

That R3 says to expand

R2 feels that any large

Effect must be demand

Jadis le CNRS vous mettait dans le bain

Et de bonne grâce en faisait profiter les copains

« J’ai une Revue Économique de sortie

Venez l’pleurer avec nous sur le coup de midi… »

Mais aujourd’hui l’ABS n’est plus si généreux

Ce qui nous valait dix mille, ça ne vaut plus que deux

C’est la raison pour laquelle, depuis quelques années

Des tas de pots publis vous passent sous le nez

Des tas de pots publis vous passent sous le nez

Chorus

Mais où sont les listes classées d’antan ?

Ces petits corbillards, corbillards, corbillards, corbillards

De tous nos dires

Qui casaient nos papiers dégoutants

Ces petits macchabées, macchabées, macchabées, ...

Avant d’les traduire !

Quand les publiés étaient contents

Les gens de finance, stratégie, marketing et compta même

Nous payaient un verre

Elles sont révolues

Elles ont fait leur temps

Les belles pom, pom, pom, pom, pom, pompes des primes

On ne les reverra plus

Et c'est bien attristant

Les belles pompes des primes de nos vingt ans.

Autrefois on s’assurait d’une prime régulière

En ne publiant que dans la belle langue de Molière

Ah, que la gloire du français est bien bas descendue

Pourtant ils ont gardé la Harvard Business Review !

Y’en a qui prétendent que ce soit d’la concurrence

Déloyale de donner coup de pouce à la France

Y’en a de dédaigneux de nos sympathiques revues

Mais pour prime je n’ai pas à cœur de publier plus haut que mon cul

Pour prime je n’ai pas à cœur de publier plus haut que mon cul !

Chorus

Aucune de ces nouveaux gros titres ne même respecte

La politesse d’attendre une heure avant le desk reject

C’est impensable mais presqu’on dirait qu’ils le pensent

Pour mériter prime il faut contribuer à la science !

Review à l’aveugle par les pairs autrefois voulait dire

Accepter le papier d’un copain sans devoir le lire.

Pourtant le problème principal ne relève de l’estime

C’est dans un tout autre sens que cela nous dé-prime

C’est dans un tout autre sens que l’ABS nous dé-prime

Chorus

Plutôt que de sortir des publis tous déporvu’s de prim’s
J’aim’rais mieux, tout compte fait, m’emparer de cette frim’
J’aim’rais mieux publier AER QJE n’importe où

Et même à la grand’ rigueur ne pas publier du tout !

Ca pourrait d’ailleurs si j’en trouvais de la conviction

Être un joli exemple de l’effet d’éviction

Or le Catch-22 dont je suis le victime

C’est que je n’l’publierai pas si je n’ai pas de la prime

C’est que je n’l’publierai point si je ne touch’ pas de la prim’ !

Chorus

Yesterday desk rejection seemed so far away

Now this email says it’s here to stay

Oh, I believed it yesterday.

Suddenly, it’s not the project that it used to be

And there’s tenure hanging over me

Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why she told me “no,”

I don’t know, she didn’t say

They reject many fine submissions

No revision, yesterday

Yesterday, research was an easy game to play

Now it’s Candy Crush and Facebook, they

Are all I’ve done since yesterday.

Why’d I try so high?

I can sigh, but I cannot say.

My tests were all wrong

Now I long for yesterday

Yesterday, research was an easy game to play.

Now I need some place to file away

The paper rejected yesterday.

It was just submitted yesterday.

Well that job market’s a-comin

My contract’s at an end

And I ain’t had a flyout since

I don’t know when

Yes I’m stuck in Postdoc Prison

My degree’s getting’ old

And my Galaxie account now

You know that it’s stone cold.

When I was a young boy

My mama told me, “Son,

Why not be a plumber,

Folks they always need a plumb?”

But I got myself a doctorate.

Lord, I don’t know why.

When I check on Galaxie now,

I hang my head and cry.

All them fancy MCFs

With doors that bear their names,

They’re prob’ly at a party now

And drinkin’ fine champagne

But I’m stuck here grading finals

In the graduate lounge.

Mister career postdoc

Tell me, how’s that sound?

If I had a real job

If that tenure-track were mine

You know I’d roll it all just

One click down the line, oh

Escape from postdoc prison

Lord I’d be finally free.

Hire myself a postdoc, (free for what?)

Grade my exams for me.

I go fishin’ all o’ the time, baby goin’ fishin’ too

Bet your life, reviewer might catch you fishing too

Many fish bite, if you got the right bait,

Here’s a little tip I would like to relate. You gonna

Catch a lotta stars if you squeeze them data

I'm a goin' fishin', yes I'm goin' fishin'

And my baby goin' fishin' too.

My output, well it looked like hell so

I threw away my PAP

Got a P-oh-five by suppertime

Wrote it up as sweet as can be

Provin’ many fish bite, if you got the right bait,

Here’s a little tip I would like to relate. You can

Catch more stars if you squeeze them data

I'm a goin' fishin', yes I'm goin' fishin'

And my baby goin' fishin' too.

Got a co-author run me outta my mind

Sayin’ “Can I go fishin’ with you?”

I let him see the CSV

Now what do you think that he did do?

Median split and we published the shit

We was laughin’ and jumpin’, yeah it was real lit

Get more stars if you squeeze it a bit

I'm a goin' fishin', yes I'm goin' fishin'

And my baby goin' fishin' too.

Cut them outliers, one at a time

Throw em down deep in a hole

Never neglect the gender effect

Now whoever said that was a control?

Singing many fish bite if you got good bait

Here’s a little tip I’d like to relate

You’ll get a lotta stars if you squeeze them data

I’m a going fishing

Yes I’m going fishing

And my baby’s going fishing

Andy’s going fishing

And Antoine is going fishing

Etc. etc.

And I know you’re going fishing too.

I rejected John List!

But I did not reject Marie-Claire

(Oh no no!)

I rejected John List

But I did not reject Marie-Claire

All around in my home town

They’re trying to track me down

They say they want to bring me in guilty there

For rejecting sweet Marie-Claire

For the rejection of Marie-Claire

But I say!

I rejected Gneezy

And now he’s on my HDR defense

(oh no no!)

I rejected Gneezy

And it’s an un-tenurable offense

Uri Gneezy always writes such shit

For what… I don’t know

But every time that he published it

I said who’d that Old Uri blow?

Who did old Uri blow?

And still I cite him every day!!

I rejected Gächter

But I did not reject Villeval

I rejected Gächter

Yes I sent him up against the wall

My moment came just like I knew it would

To review a paper by that clown

And though the science it was really good

I shot, I shot I shot it down

Oh yes, I shot it down.

That’s why I say!

I rejected Potters

And now he’s on my HDR defense

I rejected Potters

And it’s an untenurable offense

Reflexes got the better of me

And what will be will be

Every day you’re signing for post-docs

One day, the bottom gonna drop out

One day the bottom gonna drop out