Nomads 101

Get a native guide

Travel Tip # 1: 

Get a native guide. A sexy one is a bonus, but a good one is best. Then make like a chameleon and blend in. Shed the camera on the stomach, the belt-wallet and the large walking shoes. Dress and do like your guide.

Make your bed before dark

Travel Tip # 2: 

The elite members of the professional travelling fraternity (beggars, gypsies, reps and reconnaissance soldiers) all agree on one thing: when in a new place, establish where you're going to sleep long before night falls. Only rank amateurs try to set up camp after dark. 

Keep moving past any place sounding like Paris

Travel Tip # 3: 

As a rule of thumb, avoid any place that use the word "nestles" in its advertising, ditto any town that relies on romance and/or large, steely erections to pimp themselves to busloads of tourists. This includes anywhere boasting about their snow and/or canals and especially any place called, or even just sounding like its called  Paris/Pah-gee or Pah writh. Honest locals will tell you the canals collect the city’s smelly offal and that snow is just slush waiting to happen. Places called Paris attract the scum of society, including pickpockets, bag snatchers and gorgeous blondes with surnames like Hilton. (As for the steely erection, there is always a long queue in front it.) 

Stop in small towns

Travel Tip # 4: 

Get off the highway as soon as possible and then stop at each small town en route. The locals will be grateful for the company ...if not the fresh meat. Don't however, bother stopping in Parys, South Africa; or Paris, Texas. The former has a large home for free-roaming, retarded people; and the latter is still the lynching capital of the U.S. (See travel tip # 3 on "Places called Paris")                            

Eat local

Travel Tip # 5: 

Even the most timid tourist becomes an intrepid explorer by simply breaking bread with the locals. You don't have to fall for their let's-see-if-the-visitor-eats-eyeballs trick, (unless you like the rubbery texture), but DO try the criadillas/mountain oysters/peertjies. The fact that so many cultures have recipes to bake, boil or broil testicles shows it can't be ALL bad.

All bribes are negotiable 

Travel Tip # 6: 

Civil servants in most developing countries see bribes as a more honest form of tax, which is a good attitude to cultivate when you start negotiating the final sum to be handed over. Keep smiling, show willing, apologise for your current state of poverty, explain you have to leave a little bakseesh for the officials in the next stop also; and whenever possible, pack new stationary or glossy magazines to give as bribe for service in lieu of cash.

Clothes and bags 

Travel Tip # 7: 

Use a backpack only if you like to get mugged. Frequent fliers know all the clothes you need will fit into your laptop bag. Warm feet equals warm body, so pack thick socks. For the rest, three sets of dark clothes will meet all you needs - one drying, one in the laptop bag, and one on the body. For cold nights, a poncho or cloak holds a lot of heat, sheds water and adds all the mystique a windbreaker can't. For hot beaches, a sarong can make both sexes of any shape look languidly debonair ...and they take no space. 

What equipment?

Travel Tip # 8: 

In Africa, analog lasts, digital doesn't. When in doubt, choose the one with fewer moving parts. Get a local sim card. Cables are important, so is a multi-card reader. Solar recharges are smart and rechargeable batteries rule. Your camera will not break as long as you have a spare. Several cheap solar torches make for good gifts and light. A mosquito net, (remember a thin rope and hook) makes an excellent cushion for all the electronics and prevent the short and long-term misery caused by mosquitoes - even in deserts.

Health and wealth 

Travel Tip # 9: 

Injuries reflect a state of mind, so cultivate an I-can mind, but mind...sunburn, cuts, insect bites and Delly Belly can and do happen to the adventurous traveler. Pack ointments for these. For the big stuff, like plane crashes, get insurance and med-evac. For the small stuff, get a mosquito net. It stops a host of crawlies from biting and electronics from cracking. (See rule # 8). Defying gravity is fun but can also break your bones, so don't do it when alchohol is closer than medical care. For the rest, respect Murphy's Law and it will respect you.

Keep these close to you 

Travel Tip # 10: 

In pocket-size, waterproof bags on your person, keep certified copies of your passport, cigarettes to share with taciturn officials; sweets with vitamin C for when meals are few and far between; pencils and small notebooks, both to bribe and remember with; condoms, (they do carry 2 litres of water); and sample-size ointments for cuts, bites, and sunstroke.

(Reprinted with permission from the authors.)

"Nomads 101" is a fresh collection of travel tips, tried and tested by five-star survivors.