Irrelevant Ramblings

"Essays on this and that, not of any great consequence to mankind or in any way furthering our understanding of the fundamental fabric of the universe"

The theory of continual existence

As per the theory of continual existence, (formulated by a half-baked, part-time, likes-to-put-hyphens-between-words philosopher-poet), everything (including human life) repeats itself. This is basically an expansion of the theory that “history repeats itself”. What this means for you is that no sooner do you live out your life and die, you find yourself again living out the same life and dying and then once more and so on and so forth. This is due to the curious phenomena that in an infinite realm of infinite universes, there is ample opportunity (and hence a high probability) that the exact same set of building blocks of matter/anti-matter will assemble in the same way to form the same thing. When the same thing is formed, even if formed distinctly in multiple space-times, then each same thing (if it is alive) will experience life in exactly the same manner. The only curious thing in this phenomena is that the continual existence is not really based linearly on a unique time frame, since time itself is part of a particular universe. Hence the exact same existence in another universe cannot really be related in point of time to your current existence. What this means in effect is that nothing makes any sense.

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An alternative to the above theory – the theory of “duplication”

Irrespective of the points of times, and parallel universes and what-not, if one were to assume (a quite logical assumption) that the “conscious mind” through which we define ourselves and experience conscious life is only a collection of matter, (although no doubt one of the most complicated collections of matter in the universe), then it would follow that if the matter can be collected in exactly the same way (i.e duplicated, multiplicated etc.), we could duplicate our own consciousnesses and hence ourselves. It is also not impossible for such a duplication to occur spontaneously in nature in our own lifetimes or atleast during the lifetime of the universe. However, the likelihood of this is so low that in practice it is extremely unlikely. However, (coming back to something similar to the above theory) in an infinity of universes and time periods, the probability of such duplication / multiplication is extremely high so much so as to be inevitable. Thus, the same mind can be formed (sometimes in the same body and sometimes not). Thus, we are truly immortal! However, since no such duplication is likely to overlap during the same points of time, we are doomed to never know that we are immortal, hence condemning us to mortality.

For the confused reader, a simple explanation of the above theories is that they are basically theories of “re-birth” put in a garbled and un-understandable manner.

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The Ankleshwar Diaries

Shri Gattu

In Ankleshwar (and also APL for that matter), they have a habit of addressing people as “Shri”.

Never Mister or Sir or Honorable or anything, only “Shri”. So much so that even the school named after the AP mascot “Gattu” in Ankleshwar is known as the “Shri Gattu Vidyalaya”. Hard to imagine a naughty boy in half pants as a “Shri”.

It would also be of some interest to know that there is a statue of Swami Vivekananda in the courtyard of the above mentioned school. This has led to some idle speculation amongst the natives of APL colony that the Swami’s pet name in his youth was Gattu. This highly implausible story was almost sold to some of the new inhabitants, much to the delight of the older lot.

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A call to arms

One day, Karnataki (AK) went to (Shri) Gattu chokdi to buy a present for Natoo’s one year old kid. It was a normal custom that some member of the bachelor’s mess would make a superhuman effort to remember these important colony functions and purchase a suitable gift on behalf of the entire mess. Also, that person should then write the names of as many members of the mess on the small greeting card attached to the gift, as would fit into that restricted space.

Anyway, on that fateful day, AK met two girls sitting on their Kinetic near the chokdi. It appeared to him to be a normal act of decency to invite the prettier of the two to help him purchase the gift. This she did, after some mild protest. They exchanged pleasantries, addresses and what not. On the whole, good progress was made. However, later that night, the girl’s brother contacted AK in the colony. He appeared to be distressed about the events of the evening. So much so that he invited AK out to Gattu chokdi to thrash out the issue (and also possibly AK). AK, never known for high levels of intellectual activity, agreed, and left the safe confines of the colony to meet the aggrieved sibling.

The brother (popularly known as “bhai”) appeared on a bike, with some supporters on other bikes. As is their normal protocol in such circumstances, they proceeded to shove AK around a bit and threaten him with dire consequences were he ever to make contact with the girl again.

This event was faithfully narrated by AK to Captain & me at 2 am the same night. At this important meeting, the three of us thrashed out the entire issue, analyzing the finer points and weighing the pros and cons of the various courses of action.

As usual, it was finally decided that nothing further should be done & that all retire to bed.

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Lack of girls

Girls in Ankl were notable for their absence. By my second year of stay, things had got to a point where realization dawned on me that the daughter of the Mongini cake shop-walla was quite beautiful. In my third year, I was confident that she would beat Aishwarya Rai hands down in a Miss World contest. In my fifth year, I thought that the Mongini cake shop-walla himself wasn’t a bad looking bloke…

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The riots

The riots were an eventful period in the otherwise bland country existence. Arijit had the bright idea of stocking up the terrace with empty glass bottles to throw at the hoards of attacking Muslims. Possibly, this acted as sufficient deterrent. No doubt, the word must have quickly spread about in the Muslim ilaka that the APL colonyites were well equipped in the glass bottle department. As a result, no hoard of Muslims attacked us during the riots. For that matter, they didn’t attack anyone else in Ankl either. In fact, they never assembled to form that ‘hoard’.

There was a (muslim) fellow who used to have an omelet stall opposite our factory. His thela was burnt twice on two consecutive days. Passing VHP volunteers had made it a hobby to put a light to his stall, and it was left to the factory security to do their bounden duty to quell the flames. One of the nights, me & Ogl were on the “night shift”. We took great pleasure in leading the men into action to douse the thela fire. I guess that is my contribution to secularism and national integration.

More importantly, we also got to spend some of the night sleeping on the sofas in the GM’s cabin. I mention this because I don’t think that in the history of the corporate world, there would be many instances of people other than the GM’s themselves, slumbering in the GM’s cabin.

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Security

The guards in Ankleshwar Colony were never known for their intellectual achievements.

One night there was a robbery at the colony. Someone had stolen some parts of the guest house AC & what-not. The next morning, Captain quizzed the guard – “Didn’t you see the fellow while on your rounds?”

“Yes sir, I did…”

“Well..?”

“I saw him kneeling behind the guest house, near the AC…”

“Yes…and?”

“I didn’t wish to disturb him sir, mujhe laga woh koi saab they, pischaap karte hue…”

One wonders why the fellow thought that one of the colony-ites would wish to relieve himself behind the guest house at that time of night, especially when thousands of toilets were close at hand.

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Transporting the bike

When me and AK were transferred back to Mumbai, we decided to ride back from Ankleshwar on my bike (how else to transfer it? We hadn’t heard of something called the ”Indian Railway”.). It was a distance of around 350 km and it took us 7 or 8 hours. Our luggage followed us in a Sumo. Thus it had a more comfortable journey than us. The ride was long and hot and we were stuck in jams for quite a while. We almost wanted to give up, but kept going. After all, it had to be done so we could boast about it later.

Problem was, once in Mumbai, I realized that the Gujarat number plate on my bike wasn’t valid anymore. It would cost Rs 11,000 to transfer the registration, almost a fourth of the cost of the bike. Obviously, it wasn’t worth it. A buyer was found back in Gujarat  and I shipped the bike back in a Matangi Transport truck… 

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Ogl's quest

Ogl had shortlisted two girls for marriage. He said that one had beauty but not much brains, while the other had brains but not much beauty. Hence, he was undecided on which one to go for. For me, that was a no-brainer – a wife with looks and no brains seemed the ideal combination. Anyway, he finally chose one of them but I never got round to asking him which one it was. Today, he is happily (I think) married to Devyani. Perhaps I should ask her which one of them she is….

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Bosses

When peer groups meet, conversation usually veers around to a critique of bosses. Our group at Ankl was no exception.

Shankar (my boss) was an extremely meticulous person. He would spend hours editing e-mails that he was to send to HO. Spelling and grammar were checked and re-checked. Also, different font colours were used to emphasise words. It was only later when I was transferred to HO did I learn  that most of the recipients of those e-mails had black & white monitors!

Swami (Ogl’s boss) was a perfect boss. He had learnt management from a “How to become a manager” book. He believed in the carrot and stick approach. He always started off a session by saying something nice about the subordinate to pep him up. He didn’t have much work with me, but he couldn’t drop the habit he had developed, so he would always greet me with the compliment – “Nice shirt ha, nice shirt.” This, even though I had only 5 shirts which I wore continuously for the four years that I was in Ankl.

There is this story about how OPA (Padoshi’s boss) wasn’t very happy with Padoshi. He thought he lacked in "assertiveness". So he nominated Padoshi to an "assertiveness training" held by Corporate HR. We later learned that there were two people from the plant at that training that year - Padoshi and OPA...!

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The mother of all misunderstandings

Navy SEAL (in Abbotabad) to CIA director (in Langley) - via satellite link: I think i've spotted Osama!!

CIA director: Great. How does he look?

Navy SEAL: He looks OK. But his beard is white!

CIA director: Oh! Does he dye?

Navy SEAL: <bam><bam><bam>....yes, he dies.

CIA director: OK, that's fine. Get him alive. We need to prosecute him here in the US.

Navy SEAL: But...I thought you just said...?

CIA director: Yes! Yes! We're going to prosecute that guy real good and then bury him, see?

Navy SEAL: bury at sea? OK will do....

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The regular investor v/s the average joe, in a "step curve" equity market.

Why the regular fellow makes money v/s why the average joe doesnt....

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The Happiness-Wealth Function

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The absent-minded boss

My ex-boss, Jey, was an extremely absent-minded chap.  He rarely got the name of anyone he addressed right at the first instance. Thus, I would be called ‘Sathya’, Sathya would be called ‘Hiral’, Hiral would be called ‘Ashish’ etc. etc. Sometimes, especially in a group, it became quite difficult for us to understand who he was talking to.

It even got to a stage where the errors increased from ‘one level errors’ to ‘two level errors’. Thus, in one meeting,  I was first called “Hiral…no..no..Sathya…no..no..CD”… (he got it right on the third attempt).

Sathya narrates an incident when one day Jey asked him how ‘Panjwani’ was doing. Sathya was baffled by this, because the only Panjwani he knew was a fellow who had given some property to our company on rent. There was no earthly reason why Jey should be concerned about him, but here he was, asking the question all the same…Later, it came to light that Jey was referring to a ‘Pawan Sajnani’ , a new fellow who had joined Sathya’s department!

 Another time, Jey complained to Sathya that the fellow sitting outside his cabin was not responding when being summoned by him (Jey). “I am continuously saying ‘Tony, Tony’, yet he is not looking at me!” – Jey complained.  Sathya clarified that his name was ‘Tinoy’ and not ‘Tony’, hence possibly this was the reason for the lack of response.

One day, Jey came and told Sathya that ‘Ramanujan’ should complete the audit as soon as possible. This time, it was easy for Sathya to figure out that he was not referring to a famous mathematician of yore but to ‘Ramjeevan’, the statutory audit manager.

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Philosophical ramblings (contd...): What happens after Death?

I guess the above is the question all of us want an answer to, more than any other (including - 'do you love me or my money?' or 'will I ever be marooned on an island with pamela anderson?'). Like many other such questions, I doubt if there will ever be a definitive answer to this, but that doesn't prevent people like me from giving our opinions. (Infact, such philosophical questions are exactly the right type of stuff where non-scientific chaps like me can give opinions.)

My take on this question is that what happens after death is exactly the same as what happened before birth. Thus, it may be easier to answer the question about what happened before birth, since it covers a period of time in the past, which has supposedly already occurred in each of our existence. Therefore, we may be able to answer this question with greater ease....

So, let us throw our minds back to the time before our births....

This brings us to an interesting question....can we say that we are 'alive' when our minds start persisting memories, and not before that? I guess, most of us 'perceive ourselves to be alive' starting around 1.5 to 2 years old. At-least, that is the earliest memories that we have. I dont know of anyone older than 3 years of age (say), who has any memories of what happened to them in the first year after their birth. If a baby dies at age 1.5 years, would it even know that it had been 'alive'? If not, can we say that we are 'alive' in our first couple of years? This is a strange question, since most people would definitely argue that their new-born babies are 'alive'. Many would also argue that the baby is alive immediately after conception, in the mother's womb. At the other end of the spectrum, is an old man who has lost his entire memory and doest even remember what happened a moment ago alive?

I am not so sure. My take is that a thing is alive only when it is aware of itself and things around it, and perceives itself to be alive, AND it also remembers things in its 'past'. And this perception comes when memory is persisted in the brain. Thus, till memory is persisted, there is no life! Also, till memory is persisted, there is no philosophy. Thus, to ask the question of what happens after death or before birth, one must be able to persist memory and remember the past. 

Therefore, I feel that the easiest way out of the whole mess is not to answer the question, but rather to rid oneself of memory persistence. Absence of memory persistence is bliss, what our sages called 'Nirvana' - eternal existence!!  Just like the CPU in a computer. The computer's CPU bothers about processing your salary only so long as memory persists in its RAM. The moment the RAM is cleared, the computer enters a state of Nirvana and doesn't care a damn whether you get your salary on the 30th of the month or not. 

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Nadal v/s Federer

Yesterday, Nadal defeated Federer for the ‘n’th time in a Grand Slam final. I wonder why Federer still bothers to turn up for these matches?

The sad part of the story is – I (and possibly many others) think Federer is the greater player. This, inspite of the fact that he has only beaten Nadal twice out of 10 finals (so far). In a way, this is a lesson for all of us that the most talented don’t necessarily win in life. Muscle and grit can outshine talent and skill many a time.

Federer’s natural talent and ability meant that he could defeat virtually any player of his era at will. Many feel that he is one of the greatest players to ever play the game, better even than a Borg or a Laver. This was until he came face to face with Nadal some years back. Those who claimed his “all-time greatness” now have a hard time trying to explain why it is that he can rarely match up to Nadal and why he is often reduced to a sobbing child frustrated in his every attempt to overcome his rival.

Nadal himelf often loses to less fancied opposition, but raises his game several notches against his arch rival. It is as if he develops an extra layer of muscle and stamina that helps him in countering every trick and guile thrown at him by Federer.

I can well imagine that Federer must be having nightmares of playing against Nadal. His matches will be replayed in his mind over and over, and he will always wonder what it was that he lacked, or what could he have done differently to overcome Nadal? I guess most of these matches would have been lost in his mind even before the match started. That is the power that Nadal holds over him.

In the end, every time these two walk into the middle to face each other, what differentiates them is that one has a burning desire to win, come what may, and has the strength to back him-self. The other is filled with doubt because he is aware of the troubling truth that being the “greatest of all-time” is still not good enough!

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Why the Indian cricket team was resoundingly thrashed by England

There has been a lot of analysis on this topic by the experts and there's not much one can add. Therefore, I add my 2 bits:

There are 2 reasons why India has never played well abroad (or specifically, on pitches conducive to fast bowling) and never will. (Obviously, there will be fluke wins here and there, but that is not to the point.)

1. Indian batsmen take around 2 months to get used to the playing conditions abroad, by which time, the tour is usually over. Ofcourse, there are exceptions. Dravid for instance (and to a lesser extent Laxman) can bat as well or as poorly on any wicket anywhere in the world. Form determines Dravid's batting prowess, not pitch conditions.

2. However, the single most important reason is the lack of decent fast bowlers. It has always amazed me how neighboring Pakistan produces a string of fast bowlers with alarming consistency, while a billion plus cricket crazy population has yet to produce one such specimen in over 60 years of playing cricket. When I say 'fast', I mean 'fast', not - 'medium fast', 'fast medium', slightly faster than medium', 'slightly slower than fast' or any other such nonsense.

The last decent medium pacer we produced was Kumble. Opposing batsmen were under the impression that he was a spinner and many wasted their entire careers waiting for his ball to turn. But it never did. But after Kumble, who?

My dream is that before I die, I would like to see India produce one great fast bowler, a chap who can consistently bowl at between 150-160 km/h, making the opposition batsmen shiver in their shoes and wish that they were someplace else. Since I am not only a dreamer but also a thinker, I propose the following plan:

a. Identify a healthy set of parents, strong, tall and lean, with an athletic physique. 

b. From the above set, identify their male offspring weighing and measuring (in length) substantially above average at birth.

c. Make such boys bowl consistently over a 15 year period, at-least 3 hours per day except Sundays.

d. Ensure that they receive a healthy diet including eggs, milk, Complan, fish, chicken, mutton, pork and beef. (They may need to convert to Christianity in order to meet these requirements.) 

e. Ensure that the boys receives regular feedback from McGrath, Lillee, Akram and Waqar on the art of fast bowling, swing, seam, reverse swing and what-not.

f. Identify the top 5% of the boys, based on talent, skill and ability. Introduce them into the Indian team at age 20 after atleast 5 years of domestic and County cricket.

I feel that the above should do the trick.

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Padded Pants

Suppose we lived in a world where the idea of what is considered ‘appropriate’ got reversed. Thus, the accepted form of greeting someone would be to pinch them on their bum. If you tried to shake a girl’s hand, she would slap you. The market for pants with extra padding at the rear would increase, as people would want to prevent the ‘sore bum’ syndrome. Sadly, one could then easily make out who the introverts were, since such people wouldn’t feel the need to wear these padded pants.

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Core Competence

My core competence is not speaking. In fact, I am a better writer than I am a speaker.

I also happen to be a better thinker than I am a writer.

On further reflection, I am veering to the view that I am a better breather than a thinker.

But most of all, I am a supremely gifted exister rather than a breather.

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The Brain

Slowly, man's use for the body ebbs. In millenia to come, humans will evolve such that we will have only a brain, and no body.

Even if we dont evolve naturally, inefficient parts of the body will be replaced by artificial objects. A day will come when robots and humans will be indistinguishable. Robots will have artificial brains, and humans will have artificial bodies, but the difference will be subtle.

Centuries later (or maybe a few moments, given the rapidly accelerating rate of progress), people will stop and think - hey, why do we need the body at all, even if artificial?

So, all that will be left will be the Brains, which will control various objects in the universe, with the power of their thoughts, using the all powerful electro-magnetic waves that we have all come to rely on so thoroughly.. Progressing further, why are several Brains required, why not just one master Brain? So all the Brains will merge into one single Brain, and this Brain will be indistinguishable from the mind of god, as it floats through space and time.

And then, just like that earlier master-mind before it, the Brain will grow bored, and it will create a new universe through the powers of its thoughts. And so, the whole damn thing will start again.

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Economics of prosperity

What happens in a few centuries when all nations have progressed to a level where food, clothing, shelter and iPad's are plentiful for all? Floating sea-platforms offer unlimited housing, food is grown by robots with super-efficiency and factories churn out all the necessities and unnecessaries (but desirables) that can be thought off..

The need is felt by society only for geniuses, who can assimilate all the existing knowledge, and improve on it further.

The rest of us can relax or do whatever we jolly well like and nobody would care. The moment we are born, the government will allot us a house, arrange for goodies and provide a monthly pension of something equivalent to a million dollars in today's currency.Education will be uploaded into our brains in an instant, and then the geniuses will be identified in a scientific manner and shepherded away to confer with each other and invent new stuff. The rest of us will be left to while away our time.  

Heaven or hell?

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The personal flying device

One of the inventions that I am really looking forward to in the coming years is the 'personal flying device'. I think this would beat the pants off anything we have been excited about in the past, such as flashy cars, mobile phones and iPads.

I don't know exactly how this thing will look, whether strap-on rockets like the things 'Iron-Man' uses, or whether some sort of glider. Maybe even a car that converts into a plane and vice-versa. I am sure that in the initial years, the device will be clunky and expensive, but as competition hots up, the technology will improve and prices will drop.

Imagine the effect it can have on loads of things....for instance, the need for good motorable roads will lessen (although trucks and other such heavy vehicles will still need roads). Property prices may reduce, since the office can now be accessible fast and easily from a much larger distance. e.g. I could stay in Pune and fly/float down to Nariman Point in an hour's time..

Safety will have to be thought through. As the number of flyers increases, highly accurate GPS devices will need to map a flight path from source to destination that avoids hitting any other flyer. If the device fails, there will have to be a cushioned fall for the flyer (if the altitude of flight is say upto 20 feet) and a parachute if the altitude is really high. However, my recommendation is that the device be such that one flies at low altitude ,say a maximum height that is just above the height of the average building, and an average height of around 15-20 feet . This will make the device feel less risky and hence more people will get attracted to it.

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The confusion between great men* and great deeds

(* I have used the word "men", but it could just as easily be read as women.)

Most of us usually confuse between great deeds and great men. My theory is that there are no great men, because the rest of us just don't have sufficient information about the entirety of another's actions, thoughts and dreams, to label them "great". Also, its seems unlikely that a person is great throughout his life, or in his interactions with all of the myriad people with whom he comes into contact. 

However, there are Great Deeds, and these must be appreciated. So let us accept that there are no gods amongst us, just humans who may be doing some good stuff (and quite probably some "not so good" or outright bad stuff too).

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What is success?

Success, in my view is measured based on the following factors –

               1. One’s own definition of what constitutes success.

               2. Other’s opinion on what constitutes success for you (or inversely, your opinion on other’s success).

I think that as regards point 2, the consensus or majority opinion would veer towards a combination of the following factors – fame, money, power. Often, one may not judge one’s own success on these factors, but one usually judges others on these!

Point 1 is more subtle and intricate. A person may view himself as successful if he holds the world record in a laddoo eating competition, though others may view this as a frivolous achievement.

The sum of all the above viewpoints is that a person who writes such an article on “what is success?” obviously does not have fame, money or power (though he may have achieved laurels in a laddoo eating competition).

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On Civilization

I am increasingly coming to the view that civilization is a facade. It has been known for sometime now that the might of the law exists mainly for the rich, the powerful and the well-connected, but many of us naively cling to old fashioned views of justice and fair-play. Sadly however, honorable men (and women) are increasingly rare to find. Perhaps, for 100 such "inner circle" people who reap the benefits of civilization, one average Joe/Jane may also benefit, and this is then trumpeted by the media as a great triumph of civilization. The sad truth is that one may need to resort to the laws of the jungle to sort out issues, where might combined with shrewdness is what it will take to win. Perhaps, the world's greatest democracy, the USA, understands this. Hence, they let people legally own guns. Because, they know that at the end of the day, when goons come to attack you when you write provocative stuff on Facebook, you are on your own. Then its up to you whether you aim for the legs or the head...