Twilight Chapter 5

Chapter summary: Because Bella Swan is a fragile and delicate wallflower, she faints after seeing blood. And Edward kidnaps her.

I made my way to English in a daze.

“I’m thinking about how I want to ride Edward’s sparkling disco stick.”

I didn’t even realize when I first walked in that class had already started.

Well, duh.

Having a raging lady boner can blind a person.

“Thank you for joining us, Miss Swan,” Mr. Mason said in a disparaging tone.

1. Nope!
2. Her head is still in the clouds.
3. No, scratch that.
4. I think that she is from a demonic realm.
5. It would explain a lot.

I flushed and hurried to my seat.

Of course, we are supposed to hate Mr. Mason because he made poor Bella blush.

But I’m going to give him a standing ovation.

It wasn’t till class ended that I realized Mike wasn’t sitting in his usual seat next to me.

“He usually sits next to my feet like a dog.”

I felt a twinge of guilt.

You are a cold-hearted bitch.

Bella remarks that Mike and Eric met her at the door so she figured that “I wasn’t totally unforgiven.”

And in a perfect world, Bella would die a horrible fucking death. But since we are in a Mary Sue fic, it is never going to happen.

Mike is enthusiastic because it is not supposed to rain during the weekend. Which means the beach trip isn’t canceled.

I tried to sound eager, to make up for disappointing him yesterday.

Honey, you disappoint everyone.

It was hard; rain or no rain, it would still only be in the high forties, if we were lucky.

Bella then muses that the rest of the morning was a blur.

It was difficult to believe that I hadn’t just imagined what Edward had said, and the way his eyes had looked.

Considering the fact that Bella is obsessed with Edward and believes that he is hiding a big secret…

Anything that comes out of her mouth is hardly reliable.

Maybe it was just a very convincing dream that I’d confused with reality.

That seemed more probable than that I really appealed to him on any level.

Bella, any sane person would find you repulsive.

So Bella and Jessica enter the cafeteria. Bella proceeds to blither on about how she wanted to see Edward’s face.

It is to vomit.

Jessica babbled on and on about her dance plans

Disappointment flooded through me

And may the bitch drown.

as my eyes unerringly focused on his table.

Which in the world of Stephenie Meyer isn’t creepy at all.

It turns out that Edward is absent but his siblings are there.

Had he gone home?

If he did, Edward better change all the locks on the doors.

Because if he doesn’t, a psycho bitch will be paying him a visit.

So Bella laments that Jessica is “still babbling” and how she lost her appetite. It turns out that Bella’s lunch consisted of a bottle of lemonade.

Before Bella can spend the rest of the day sulking, Jessica tells her that Edward is staring at her.

My head snapped up.

And unfortunately, her neck doesn’t break.

Then, Bella sees him.

Surprisingly, we aren’t subjected to blithering prose about how handsome Edward Cullen is.

Edward smiles at her and then beckons her with his index finger. If I were him, I’d use the middle finger…

As I stared in disbelief,

1. Nope.
2. I’d say you are drooling with lust.

he winked.

Because only a Gary Stu would flirt with a psycho bitch.

“Does he mean you ?” Jessica asked with insulting astonishment in her voice.

1. Considering the fact that Edward smiled at Bella and motioned for her to sit next to him…
2. I’d go out on a limb and give a resounding “YES!”
3. In the defense of Jessica’s stupid remark…
4. No rational person would be interested in dating someone with the personality of roadkill.

So Bella gives some lame explanation for Jessica’s “benefit” and then sits next to a smiling Edward.

It was hard to believe that someone so beautiful could be real.

1. We get it, S. Meyer.
2. Edward Cullen is a sparkling Adonis of perfection. Stop talking.
3. And if Bella could be even more superficial…
4. Her name would be Dorian Gray.
5. But that would be insulting to the witty and incredibly talented Oscar Wilde.

I was afraid that he might disappear in a sudden puff of smoke,

Please let this happen.

I really don’t want to re-read the clusterfuckery known as Breaking Dawn.

and I would wake up.

To find the people in the white coats placing her in a padded cell.

He seemed to be waiting for me to say something.

Most likely in the hopes that the drooling moron will stop staring at him like a weirdo.

“I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly.”

And please take the following people with you:

• Bella Swan
• Anita Blake
• Ana Steele
• Magnus Bane
• Alec Lightwood
• William Herondale
• Jace Herondale

Silence fills the room and Bella finally says something.

“You know I don’t have any idea what you mean."

Honey, this isn’t surprising.

After all, you have the intelligence of a pet rock.

Bella’s comment causes Edward to smile.

He then said, "I think your friends are angry with me for stealing you.”

1. Oh, Eddy.
2. Everybody knows that a Mary Sue never has any friends.
3. Because friends would call her out on her shit.
4. Instead, a Mary Sue only has obedient slaves.

Bella replies “They’ll survive."

I bet they breathed a sigh of relief.

I could feel their stares boring into my back.

"I may not give you back, though,” he said with a wicked glint in his eyes.

…

……

…………………

That’s right gentlepersons.

Even though this statement should be causing “Psychopath alert! Psychopath alert!” sirens to be blaring…

We are supposed to swooning at the shimmering perfect Adonis named Edward Cullen.

I gulped.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the editor told S. Meyer to add this in.

Because any other reaction would make Bella look crazier than a shit house rat.

Anywho… Bella’s reaction causes Edward to laugh. And contrary to what rabid Twilight fans believe…

Only a psychopath relishes in another person’s misery or pain.

Bella quickly says that she isn’t worried. It’s just that she is surprised with Edward’s behavior.

Edward then explains that he got bored with trying to stay away from her so he is “giving up.”

This confuses Bella ( surprise surprise). She asks what does he mean by “giving up.”

“Yes — giving up trying to be good. I’m just going to do what I want now, and let the chips fall where they may.” His smile faded as he explained, and a hard edge crept into his voice.

Translation?

Edward is a hedonist who happens to be a sparklepire.

You know that you done goofed as a writer…

If you looked at a character like Dorian Gray and thought to yourself “All I have to do is make him a sparklepire and then he will be the paragon of perfection."

Of course, Bella is confused again.

Which is making me wonder if the feeble hamster inside her head suddenly croaked and rigor mortis is setting in.

Anyway, Bella swoons over Edward’s "breathtaking” smile. It is to vomit. And speaking of barfing…

“I always say too much when I’m talking to you — that’s one of the problems.”

Yeah, Edward is totally trying to get laid.

“Don’t worry — I don’t understand any of it,” I said wryly.

1. Clearly, we are supposed to see this as witty banter…
2. At best, it is fucking tedious.
3. And at worst, it’s witnessing a serial killer luring their victim to their death.

“I’m counting on that.”

I’m sure it is every serial killer’s wet dream to find someone this stupid.

He grinned. “Well, we can try, I suppose. But I’m warning you now that I’m not a good friend for you.” Behind his smile, the warning was real.

And this is the part where we are supposed to swoon. Because Edward is a sexy bad boy.

But I’m thinking “Holy shit! The author’s dream man is a sparkling psychopath."

"Yes, because you’re not listening to me. I’m still waiting for you to believe it. If you’re smart, you’ll avoid me.”

You called her over, you douchebag!

“I think you’ve made your opinion on the subject of my intellect clear, too.” My eyes narrowed. He smiled apologetically.

And it’s disturbing how in this alleged romance novel…

The love interest is an asshole who has no problems calling the “heroine” an idiot.

While the “heroine” is okay with being treated horribly so long as she sits by the psychopath’s feet like an obedient dog.

The perpetually confused Bella asks if they can be friends so long as she is not being smart.

Edward agrees. After a long silence, Edward asks what she is thinking about.

After swooning over Edward’s “golden eyes”, Bella replies that she wants to know what Edward is.

We get some boring dialogue where Edward tries to find out what are Bella’s theories.

I had been vacillating during the last month between Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker.

1. Even though Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker are both comic book characters…
2. One has superpowers after being bit by a radioactive spider.
3. While the other’s superpower is being super-rich.
4. It is Bruce Wayne’s wealth that allows him to afford to buy various gadgets and weapons in order to fight crime.
5. So Stephenie Meyer Bella Swan…
6. Bruce Wayne does NOT have any superpowers.
7. He compensates by using martial arts and his equipment.
8. In conclusion?

There was no way I was going to own up to that.

Because if she did that, then the men in the white coats would escort her to a nice padded cell.

Even though Edward tempts her with a smile, Bella refuses to tell him.

This causes Edward to complain that “That’s really frustrating.”

Man, Eddy is a whiny bitch.

And speaking of a whiny bitch, Bella opens her trap.

“I can’t imagine why that would be frustrating at all — just because someone refuses to tell you what they’re thinking, even if all the while they’re making cryptic little remarks specifically designed to keep you up at night wondering what they could possibly mean… now, why would that be frustrating?”

Bella needs to stop doing LSD.

And then she should be put in a straitjacket.

Because no sane person would come to the conclusion that a guy would revolve their life around a psycho bitch and then deliberately do things to piss that person off.

Edward “grimaced”. This motivates Bella to spew more venom at him.

“say that person also did a wide range of bizarre things — from saving your life under impossible circumstances one day to treating you like a pariah the next, and he never explained any of that, either, even after he promised. That, also, would be very non-frustrating.

1. All aboard the crazy train!
2. Next stop: the lunatic asylum!
3. Yes, Edward saved her life under impossible circumstances.
4. (And don’t get me started on it happening because Bella is an Author Sue… Which means that there is no way that Bella hallucinated it.)
5. *sigh*
6. As for Edward treating her like a pariah…
7. Bella acted like a crazy bitch (a shocker I know) and demanded to know how Edward rescued her.
8. And when he didn’t tell her, Bella proceeded to bitch and moan.
9. She also believed that she was owned that information BECAUSE he saved her.
10. And to top the cherry on top of the shit sundae…
11. Bella told everyone at school that Edward saved her life. Even though that could get Edward in trouble or put his life in danger.
12. As for sparkledouche’s promise…
13. He didn’t make it willingly.
14. He only made it after Bella threw a temper tantrum and threatened to expose his secrets.
15. This means that Edward made a promise under duress after being badgered by a crazy bitch who couldn’t keep her mouth shut.
16. In conclusion?
17. Bella Swan is a vile person and Edward doesn’t owe her a damn thing.

Edward remarks that Bella has a temper to which she replies:

"I don’t like double standards.”

Which is absolutely hysterical considering this series is filled with them.

Edward suddenly snickers.

Bella asks what’s so funny to which Edward replies:

“Your boyfriend seems to think I’m being unpleasant to you — he’s debating whether or not to come break up our fight.” He snickered again.

Preach it, Luci!

Bella doesn’t know what Edward is talking about and says that “But I’m sure you’re wrong, anyway.”

“I’m not. I told you, most people are easy to read.”

1. Duh! Sparkledouche can’t be wrong!
2. As for the whole “easy to read” thing:

Bella remarks that he can’t read her.

“Yes. Except for you.” His mood shifted suddenly; his eyes turned brooding. “I wonder why that is.”

Everybody including the Pope knows the answer.

It’s because Bella is Mary Sue and he can only read the minds of filthy peasants.

Mystery solved.

I had to look away from the intensity of his stare.

I concentrated on unscrewing the lid of my lemonade.

Bella is such a thirsty girl!

What? Don’t give me that look.

I couldn’t resist plucking the low hanging fruit.

Anywho… Edward asks if Bella is hungry and she says no.

I didn’t feel like mentioning that my stomach was already full — of butterflies.

I bet this sounded wittier in Stephenie Meyer’s head than it does on paper.

“You?” I looked at the empty table in front of him.

“No, I’m not hungry.” I didn’t understand his expression — it looked like he was enjoying some private joke.

If Edward was any more obvious…

He would wear a black cape and cringe every time that he saw a clove of garlic.

Now Bella is back to being a nasty bitch.

“I just wondered… if you could warn me beforehand the next time you decide to ignore me for my own good. Just so I’m prepared.”

Here’s proof that Bella not only is antisocial…

But she will never be satisfied with anything.

Bella’s wish came true: the hot rich boy is talking to her.

But she can’t stop talking about how Edward is such a prick and sees herself as a person who was wronged by him.

If this happened in real life, Edward would say: “I don’t need this. Bye, bitch.”

But since we are in a Mary Sue fic, Edward agrees.

He then asks for one “answer” in return. The “answer” is one of Bella’s theories.

Bella gets all pissy and refuses to tell him.

“You didn’t qualify, you just promised one answer,” he reminded me.

1. As much as I hate saying it…
2. Sparkledouche is correct.

“And you’ve broken promises yourself,” I reminded him back.

Translation:

“Yes, you will.” I was positive about that.

Can’t blame him, honey.

When you are not spewing venom, it is stupidity.

He looked down, and then glanced up at me through his long black lashes, his ocher eyes scorching.

After the intense smolder, Edward asks “Please?”

I blinked, my mind going blank.

Nope.

I refuse to state the obvious.

Holy crow, how did he do that?

1. “Holy crow”??
2. It’s holy crap.
3. And yes… I know that Stephenie Meyer is a devout Mormon.
4. But you either use profanity or you don’t.
5. And no teenager would a faux cuss word.
6. Especially if the said teenager wasn’t religious and has no qualms about stalking, contemplating vehicular assault, or blackmailing the hot rich boy.

So after Edward “smoldered” at Bella again, she finally spills the beans.

Do you know what it is?

Come on, make a guess.

It turns out that Bella’s brilliant theory was that Edward was “bitten by a radioactive spider.”

…

…………

………………………..

This confirms that Bella is a moron and she can’t come up with an original idea.

Instead, she blurts out random pop culture references. And some of them are wrong.

Anywho…

Edward mocks Bella for not being creative and not being “even close”.

This makes Bella indignant because how dare he mock the Queen of Phoenix.

And lo! More of Bella’s stupidity!

“You’re not even close,” he teased.

“No spiders?”

“Nope.”

“And no radioactivity?”

“None.”

“Dang,” I sighed.

I’m sorry but…

Did someone constantly drop Bella on her head when she was a baby and then feed her lead paint chips?

And for the record…

If secrecy is supposed to be so important, then why in the hell are they talking in a cafeteria?

Cafeterias aren’t renowned for being a clandestine location.

This means that all the students and the cafeteria ladies can listen to their conversation.

So in conclusion:

“Kryptonite doesn’t bother me, either,” he chuckled.

Sonuvabitch!

That means I’m going to have to return all the kryptonite that I ordered.

*heavy sigh*

I guess I’m going to have to find something else that will kill sparkledouche.

“What if I’m not a superhero? What if I’m the bad guy?” He smiled playfully, but his eyes were impenetrable.

Spoiler alert! Edward is not a faerie. He’s a vampire who sparkles.

…………

And saying that sentence made throw up in my mouth a little.

Aside from being a sparklepire, he is also incredibly angsty.

One of these days, I’m going to be writing a series called Things About Twilight That Makes Me So Fucking Disgusted.

And one of the topics will be discussing the angsty vampire and the current disturbing trend.

Anyway, Bella comes to the realization that Edward is dangerous. But this doesn’t make him bad.

Because in Bella’s tiny mind, only ugly or poor people are bad.

Edward tries to convince her that he is dangerous.

But he is dangerous as a bag of rainbow sprinkles.

I stared at him, wondering why I didn’t feel afraid.

Because you are an idiot written by an author who thinks that rich psychopaths are alluring.

But I just felt anxious, on edge… and, more than anything else, fascinated. The same way I always felt when I was near him.

Translation?

Bella is one of the morons who climbs into a zoo enclosure to be with the large carnivorous animals.

Anywho… It turns out that the cafeteria is almost empty.

Bella freaks out because she doesn’t want to be late for class. But Edward doesn’t care because he isn’t going to class.

When asked why not, he replies that “It’s healthy to ditch class now and then.”

“Well, I’m going,” I told him. I was far too big a coward to risk getting caught.

Bella being a coward???

Edward then says goodbye. Bella then rushes to class.

Along the way, she is happy that it is no longer raining but Bella ponders about the “many new questions had been raised."

When Bella arrives, the teacher isn’t in the room yet. She complains that Mike and Angela are looking at her.

And before we are subjected to a long rant about how it is terrible that filthy peasants are gawking at her, the teacher shows up.

Thank God for the little miracles. Anyway, all of the students are supposed to do a test to find out their blood type.

The sight of blood makes Bella swoons like a maiden in a Victorian melodrama.

The teacher asks if she is feeling faint.

"Yes, sir,” I muttered, internally kicking myself for not ditching when I had the chance.

So Mike volunteers to take Bella to the nurse’s office.

It turns out that the whiny bitch can still walk. It’s not surprising since her inner monologue is flapping its gums.

Just let me get out of here, I thought. I’ll crawl.

Mike helps to hold the shuffling corpse across the campus.

Frankly, I would have taken her to a remote location and killed her.

On the way to the nurse’s office, Bella asked “begged” Mike to stop so she could sit down.

After sitting down, Bella demands that Mike keeps his hand in his pocket. Because the pinprick of blood will cause her to swoon again.

I slumped over on my side, putting my cheek against the freezing, damp cement of the sidewalk, closing my eyes.

For a girl who allegedly hates being the center of attention.

Bella loves doing melodramatic things in public that is guaranteed to make people notice her.

Mike is nervous because her face is turning green. And I’m wishing that it was blue instead.

In the distance, someone calls her name.

No!

1. Please let it be the Devil.
2. The thought of Bella being tortured by demons for all eternity warms the cockles of my heart.

Please let me be imagining that horribly familiar voice.

It’s confirmed, y'all!

Bella is an agent of Satan!

The voice asks if Bella is hurt.

This devastates her because she was hoping that it was just her imagination.

I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping to die. Or, at the very least, not to throw up.

And please Satan, grant Bella’s first wish.

Mike is stressed and explains that he thinks that Bella has fainted.

It is revealed that the person is Edward.

Sorry folks but today is not the day that the vile cunt-rag is being sent straight to Hell.

Edward asks if Bella can hear him to which she tells him to go away.

He chuckled.

Mike says that he was taking Bella to the nurse. But Edward insists that he’ll take her.

Mike refuses to go back to class. He then adds “I’m supposed to do it.”

Edward scoops Bella in his arms. She then opens her eyes.

“Put me down!”

And if he does, please let it be face first.

Please, please let me not vomit on him.

1. Do it!
2. It would be absolutely priceless.

He was walking before I was finished talking.

…

………

……………………….

Past jokes aside, Edward Cullen is actually kidnapping her.

But S. Meyer wants us to think that this is romantic.

Mike shouts “Hey!” but Edward ignores him.

“You look awful,” he told me, grinning.

Bella tells Edward for the second time to put her down. And he ignores her request.

How charming.

“So you faint at the sight of blood?” he asked. This seemed to entertain him.

This time, Bella doesn’t say anything. She then closes her eyes again. As they get closer to the nurse’s office, Edward muses “And not even your own blood.”

Die in a fire, you vile sack of shit!

Bella opens her eyes once they finally reach the nurse’s office. Sparkledouche explains to the nurse what happened.

He then puts Bella down on the cot.

His eyes were bright, excited.

Why on earth is this guy designated love interest?

He’s a sadistic douchebag.

Oh, wait… It’s because he has a shimmering penis.

Edward snickers as the nurse looks at her.

“Does this happen a lot?” she asked.

“Sometimes,” I admitted. Edward coughed to hide another laugh.

You know what, Edward?

The nurse tells Edward to get back to class. But he insists that “I’m supposed to stay with her.”

Instead of Bella being pissed off at Edward’s douchiness…

She is thinking about this:

He said this with such assured authority that — even though she pursed her lips — the nurse didn’t argue it further.

The nurse then leaves the room to get an ice pack.

Which doesn’t make any sense…

Because the ice pack should be in a freezer that is inside the nurse’s office.

I know this because my mother is a school nurse.

Bella says that Edward was right.

“I usually am — but about what in particular this time?”

Bella replies “Ditching is healthy” and then practices “breathing evenly.”

“You scared me for a minute there,” he admitted after a pause. His tone made it sound like he was confessing a humiliating weakness.

Isn’t he a catch, ladies?

He thinks that showing concern for someone is a flaw.

"I thought Newton was dragging your dead body off to bury it in the woods.“

1. Last time that I checked, a corpse doesn’t whine.
2. Or act melodramatic.
3. And Bella being murdered and her carcass buried in the woods is wishful thinking.
4. This is Sue fiction which means Bella can’t die.

"Haha.”

Um…

Who actually laughs like that?

Aside from the weird laugh, Bella still has her eyes closed.

Even though she is supposed to be the most mature and wise teenager in the world.

“Honestly — I’ve seen corpses with better color. I was concerned that I might have to avenge your murder.”

So sayeth the person who wants to drink her blood like a frat guy chugs down beer.

After the deeply disturbing romantic comment, Bella remarks that Mike must be upset.

“He absolutely loathes me,” Edward said cheerfully.

Anywho…

Bella wants to know how Edward saw her.

Sparkledouche explains that he was listening to a CD in his car.

Such a normal response — it surprised me.

“I was expecting the perfect sparkling Adonis to be eating manna while angels are serenading him."

The nurse finally returns with a cold compress. Bella says that she is fine and before the nurse can say anything, Mike brings another sick student from her class.

I hopped down to free up the cot for the next invalid.

Bella then hands the nurse the compress.

Edward commands Bella to leave the office. And like a strong female protagonist, she obeys him.

I could feel Edward right behind me.

I’m surprised that Bella didn’t turn around and scream

Surprise, surprise. The douchebag is right behind her.

"You actually listened to me.” He was stunned.

Bella explains that she smelled the blood.

“People can’t smell blood,” he contradicted.

Anyone who has ever had a period knows the smell of blood and how much it can reek.

And there is a reason when writing gore, writers describe the smell of it.

But we can’t have that.

It wouldn’t make Bella Swan special and awesome like sparkledouche.

So after learning that only sparklepires and people destined to become a sparklepire can smell blood, Mike comes through the door.

Bella can’t afford to miss an opportunity to be a bitch… So she snaps at Mike to keep his hand in his pocket.

He points out that “it’s not bleeding anymore” and then asks if Bella will return to class.

Bella says no and Mike wants to know if she is going to the beach trip.

Mike then glares at Edward.

I tried to sound as friendly as possible. “Sure, I said I was in.”

Anyway…

“We’re meeting at my dad’s store, at ten.” His eyes flickered to Edward again, wondering if he was giving out too much information.

Because a beach trip is a clandestine event.

Especially when said school is located in the boonies and has a total of three hundred and fifty-eight students.

His body language made it clear that it wasn’t an open invitation.

Oh boohoo.

I’ll let you know when I give a damn.

Bella promises to go on the trip. Mike says goodbye and then goes to gym class.

He looked at me once more, his round face slightly pouting, and then as he walked slowly through the door, his shoulders slumped. A swell of sympathy washed over me.

….

Bella cares about someone other than herself and sparkledouche???

Somebody alert the press!

I pondered seeing his disappointed face again… in Gym.

“Gym,” I groaned.

Sorry to have raised all of your hopes, gentlepersons.

I guess this goes to show that a bitch never changes her spots.

“I can take care of that.”

“All I have to do is get a chainsaw and rent a cabin in the middle of the woods.”

And I wish I was joking about Eddy being a psychopathic killer.

Because in the unfinished Midnight Sun, Edward calmly contemplates murdering his classmates.

False alarm, y'all.

It turns out that Edward isn’t offering to commit a brutal murder. Instead, he is helping Bella to skip gym class.

But it doesn’t change the fact that Edward is few steps away from being a locked cell across from Hannibal Lecter.

So sleep with one eye open, Mike.

Anyway… Sparkledouche’s plan is for Bella to “sit down and look pale.”

That wasn’t a challenge;

Bella being a lazy and useless protagonist?

Tell us something that we don’t know.

I was always pale,

If you mean by “always pale”, having the same skin complexion as Snow White.

Then I would agree with you.

and my recent swoon had left a light sheen of sweat on my face.

I sat in one of the creaky folding chairs and rested my head against the wall with my eyes closed.

“Remember readers, I’m a delicate and fragile wallflower."

Fainting spells always exhausted me.

"Bella has Gym next hour, and I don’t think she feels well enough. Actually, I was thinking I should take her home now. Do you think you could excuse her from class?”

1. I can’t believe that I have to spell this out in seventy-two size font but…
2. Edward is being a controlling douchebag.
3. He didn’t ask Bella if she wanted to remain in school.
4. Instead, he has decided that Bella must go home.
5. Because…

His voice was like melting honey.

“And I wanted to slather it all over me!”

I could imagine how much more overwhelming his eyes would be.

So the nurse then asks if Edward needs to be excused too.

Of course, she doesn’t merely ask sparkledouche. She “fluttered”.

Why couldn’t I do that?

It’s because the author believes that if a girl isn’t a demure and chaste maiden, then she is an evil slut.

After Edward finishes seducing charming the nurse, he acts like an asshole again.

“Can you walk, or do you want me to carry you again?” With his back to the receptionist, his expression became sarcastic.

Anywho…

Bella doesn’t care that Edward is acting like a douchebag. Instead, she asks if he is going to the beach trip.

I was hoping he would, though it seemed unlikely.

It’s probably because he will busy burying the corpses that are rotting in his basement.

I couldn’t picture him loading up to carpool with the rest of the kids from school;

Especially when the same guy thinks that everybody else is filthy peasants.

he didn’t belong in the same world.

Anyway, Edward asks where they are all going.

Which is kind of weird considering the fact that Fork is supposed to be a small town where everybody knows each other.

Bella replies “Down to La Push, to First Beach.”

He glanced down at me from the corner of his eye, smiling wryly. “I really don’t think I was invited.”

I sighed. “I just invited you.”

1. What a C U Next Tuesday!
2. Mike is in charge of organizing the trip. He obviously hates Edward’s guts.
3. So much that he didn’t invite Edward to the beach trip.
4. Bella knows this and she doesn’t care.
5. All Bella wants is a sparkly prick that she can worship while she is on the beach.
6. In conclusion?
7. Bella is a selfish bitch.

“Let’s you and I not push poor Mike any further this week. We don’t want him to snap.” His eyes danced; he was enjoying the idea more than he should.

Allow me to reiterate:

“Mike-schmike.” I muttered, preoccupied by the way he’d said “you and I.”

I liked it more than I should.

Now, Bella and Edward are in the parking lot. Bella then heads towards her truck.

Something caught my jacket, yanking me back.

“Where do you think you’re going?” he asked, outraged. He was gripping a fistful of my jacket in one hand.

Edward is committing assault.

It is mind-boggling to think that some people believe that Twilight is a “love story.”

More like a horror story.

In case anyone needs more proof that Bella Swan is Abby Normal, she is “confused.”

Not upset or scared. Just confused.

She then tells Edward that she is going home.

“Didn’t you hear me promise to take you safely home? Do you think I’m going to let you drive in your condition?” His voice was still indignant.

Dickhead, you didn’t promise to take her home safely.

Your exact words were:

“Bella has Gym next hour, and I don’t think she feels well enough. Actually, I was thinking I should take her home now. Do you think you could excuse her from class?”

You said all of this under the pretense of helping Bella to skip gym class.

Even though in actuality, you were being a controlling douchebag.

For all the rabid Twilight fans out there…

There is also a difference between offering to take someone home, promising to take someone home, and deciding that a person must go home.

• When you offer to take someone home, it is up to the person receiving the offer to accept it or reject it. The choice is NOT made by the person who made the offer.
• When you promise to take someone home, it is because somebody asked you to take them home and you said yes. If you didn’t take that person home, then you would be breaking your promise.
• When you decide that a person must go home… So you decide to grab them by the jacket and drag them towards your car. This is called kidnapping, gentlepersons.

“What condition? And what about my truck?” I complained.

……

……………………………………..

……………………………………………………..

Bella is upset that she is leaving her truck behind…

NOT that a guy is dragging her to his car against her will.

“I’ll have Alice drop it off after school."

"Yeah, once I’m finished chaining you to the radiat-I mean taking you home."

Instead of freaking out, Bella muses: It was all I could do to keep from falling backward.

What the fuck?!?

He’d probably just drag me along anyway if I did.

"Let go!” I insisted. He ignored me.

………………….

You know what is truly mind-boggling? We are supposed see this as a sign of

Once they reach Edward’s car, Bella says that Edward “finally freed me.”

Bella stumbles against the passenger door and complained to Edward that he’s “pushy."

Edward replies that the car door is open before getting into the driver’s seat.

"I am perfectly capable of driving myself home!” I stood by the car, fuming.

If it was for the fact that Bella is being kidnapped…

I would make a quip about Bella throwing a temper tantrum.

It was raining harder now, and I’d never put my hood up, so my hair was dripping down my back.

A guy is trying to kidnap you…

But you are kvetching that your hair is getting wet???

He lowered the automatic window and leaned toward me across the seat. “Get in, Bella.”

Don’t walk, run away.

Far away.

I didn’t answer.

Why are you standing there? Move your ass!

I was mentally calculating my chances of reaching the truck before he could catch me.

Stop thinking! Just fucking run!

I had to admit, they weren’t good.

And so is being brutally tortured and murdered in a psychopath’s basement.

“I’ll just drag you back,” he threatened, guessing my plan.

What does Bella do?

Does she…..

A) scream?

B) run to her car and try to get away?

C) run towards the school so she can call the police?

What do you think Bella Swan decides to do?

Come on, guess!

I tried to maintain what dignity I could as I got into his car.

….

……………………….

…………………………………………………………..

Yeah, let that sink in.

She is getting inside the car of her kidnapper.

I wasn’t very successful — I looked like a half-drowned cat and my boots squeaked.

A guy just tried to kidnap you…

And the only thing that you care about is that you are sopping wet.

“This is completely unnecessary,” I said stiffly.

I’m going to keep saying this until I’m blue in the face…

Edward doesn’t respond and instead pulls out of the parking lot.

I was preparing to give him the silent treatment — my face in full pout mode —

Because this is something that a wise and mature person would do.

but then I recognized the music playing, and my curiosity got the better of my intentions.

So music does calm a savage bitch.

It turns out the song is Clair de Lune. Edward is surprised that Bella knows Debussy.

She admits “Not well.” Bella then adds:

"My mother plays a lot of classical music around the house — I only know my favorites.“

Riiight…

Mom is allegedly dumber than a box of rocks.

So operating a CD player would be an impossibility.

And I highly doubt that Bella Swan would listen to any music that isn’t Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber.

Anyway…

Edward says that Clair de Lune is one of his favorite songs. He then becomes lost in thought.

So they are both listening to music in silence. Bella suddenly notices Edward is driving fast.

Bella remarks that "the car moved so steadily, so evenly, though, I didn’t feel the speed. Only the town flashing by gave it away.”

One word: moron.

Edward suddenly asks “What is your mother like?"

What is truly mind-boggling is that Stephenie Meyer’s way of saying "Isn’t Edward a nice guy?"

As if one question erases the fact that Edward Cullen was a psycho kidnapper.

"She looks a lot like me, but she’s prettier,” I said. He raised his eyebrows.

And this is the part where the reader is supposed to say “Of course, not! You are like the most beautiful girl eva!”

This faux humility makes me want to puke.

“I have too much Charlie in me.

Bella just called her father ugly. Isn’t she charming?

She’s more outgoing than I am, and braver.

I’m hardly surprised.

There are loners more sociable than her and cowards with more cajones.

She’s irresponsible and slightly eccentric,

In Stephenie Meyer’s world, this translates to being "dumb as a bag of hammers” and “frenetic as a ferret high on cocaine."

Because in real life, people who are irresponsible and a tad eccentric are able to take care of themselves.

They also don’t require a home care aide or their teenage daughter to babysit them.

and she’s a very unpredictable cook.

…

Is this a politically correct term for someone who is a terrible cook?

She’s my best friend.” I stopped. Talking about her was making me depressed.

This is belied by Bella’s constant contempt towards her mother and the comment “Talking about her was making me depressed.”

“How old are you, Bella?” His voice sounded frustrated for some reason I couldn’t imagine.

The “I’m a sexual predator” vibe doesn’t dissipate…

Especially when said predator is described as sounded “frustrated.”

So they finally arrived at Bella’s house.

The rain was so heavy that I could barely see the house at all.

We get it, Bella.

You hate rain.

It was like the car was submerged under a river.

Bella is confused with the question but she replies that she is seventeen.

“You don’t seem seventeen.”

His tone was reproachful; it made me laugh.

“Because isn’t it funny when a guy acts like a creepy old lech?”

Edward asks why Bella is laughing.

“My mom always says I was born thirty-five years old and that I get more middle-aged every year."

As Mark Twain would say:

The correct word would be "an old soul."

To call a teenager "middle-aged”, is not a compliment.

It is saying that they are frumpy, boring, and old fashioned.

I laughed, and then sighed. “Well, someone has to be the adult.”

Because a mature adult would believe that the earth revolves around them.

“You don’t seem much like a junior in high school yourself,” I noted.

He made a face and changed the subject.

If Edward was any more obvious…

He would use old fashioned slang and refer to World War I as the Great War.

“So why did your mother marry Phil?”

…

Am I the only one who thinks that Edward is being a creep?

He seems awfully interested in Renée.

If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that Edward is trying to pork Bella’s mom.

“My mother… she’s very young for her age.

In case anyone doubts that the words "slightly eccentric” or in this case “young for her age” is code for someone who has the IQ of a potato…

Here is the proof.

I think Phil makes her feel even younger. At any rate, she’s crazy about him."

Forever unclean!

Bella’s mom has been likened to a kid.

Hell, Renée was even described as having "child-like eyes.”

And now the “child” is in love with an adult.

In conclusion:

So after fetishizing a child/parent relationship…

Bella shakes her head and then thinks:

The attraction was a mystery to me.

So sayeth the crazy bitch who is obsessed with a handsome psychopath.

“Do you approve?” he asked.

“As the Queen of Phoenix, I do not.”

“Does it matter?” I countered.

“I marched to the courthouse and demanded that the marriage be terminated. But they told me that that there is no such thing as the Queen of Phoenix and admonished me for wasting the court’s time. The impudence!”

“I want her to be happy… and he is who she wants.”

Bella is enamored of the sparklepires but she only cares about herself.

Bella’s reply causes Edward to ponder. What about? You ask.

He’s thinking about if Bella’s mom would allow her daughter to marry a sadistic kidnapper and psychopath.

In case anyone doubts me, here is Edward’s exact words:

“Would she extend the same courtesy to you, do you think? No matter who your choice was?” He was suddenly intent, his eyes searching mine.

Aside from the whole kidnapping thing, Edward has only had a few conversations with Bella.

And that’s not even including the fact that he just kidnapped her.

Which makes this statement very creepy indeed.

So Bella after says “I-I think so”, Edward jokes (if you can call it that) “No one too scary then.”

I grinned in response. “What do you mean by scary? Multiple facial piercings and extensive tattoos?”

In Stephenie’s I mean Bella Swan’s tiny mind, having piercings or tattoos makes somebody scary.

Not being a sadistic kidnapper or a psychopathic prick.

“Do you think that I could be scary?” He raised one eyebrow, and the faint trace of a smile lightened his face.

What’s scary is that Stephenie Meyer wants us to believe that Edward Cullen is a sexy bad boy and not a creepy psychopath.

I thought for a moment, wondering whether the truth or a lie would go over better. I decided to go with the truth.

Which is absolutely amusing since Bella is a liar, liar, pants on fire.

Bella says “Hmmm… I think you could be, if you wanted to.”

“Are you frightened of me now?” The smile vanished, and his heavenly face was suddenly serious.

I gotta reiterate…

We are supposed to interpret this dialogue as sexy.

Even though any sane person would tell you that Edward’s actions and words scream “I’m a serial killer."

Anyway… Bella asks Edward about his family.

This causes Edward to get all prickly and asks "What do you want to know?”

So Bella asked “verified” if the Cullens adopted him. He replies “yes.”

Edward then explains that his parents “died many years ago."

"I don’t really remember them that clearly. Carlisle and Esme have been my parents for a long time now.”

“And you love them.” It wasn’t a question. It was obvious in the way he spoke of them.

“Yes.” He smiled. “I couldn’t imagine two better people.”

…

For the first time, we get character development that isn’t contrived.

Cherish this, because I don’t think we will get another.

“And your brother and sister?”

He glanced at the clock on the dashboard.

“My brother and sister, and Jasper and Rosalie for that matter, are going to be quite upset if they have to stand in the rain waiting for me.”

Isn’t Edward such a nice guy?

He ditched his siblings during a rainstorm so he can hang out with a psycho bitch.

In other words, Edward Cullen is a terrible person.

And speaking of a terrible person…

“Oh, sorry, I guess you have to go.” I didn’t want to get out of the car.

Wouldn’t it kill Bella to be less selfish?

Why did I ask such a stupid question?

*sigh*

“And you probably want your truck back before Chief Swan gets home, so you don’t have to tell him about the Biology incident.” He grinned at me.

“And especially don’t mention the kidnapping that took place at the school parking lot. I don’t want to go to jail tonight."

"I’m sure he’s already heard. There are no secrets in Forks.” I sighed.

Living in a small town is such a drag!

I mean they would tell a parent if their child was constantly “sick” or injured at school.

And I find it amusing that Stephenie Meyer Bella Swan thinks that only a small-town school would notify a parent or parents.

Newsflash, S. Meyer…

ALL schools would do this.

Edward laughs and tells her to “Have fun at the beach… good weather for sunbathing.”

Bella gets all mopey when she finds out that Edward isn’t going to the beach.

Instead, Edward is going to be hiking with Emmett.

“We’re going to be hiking in the Goat Rocks Wilderness, just south of Rainier.”

Who knew that vampires like taking very enthusiastic walks?

(Virtual cupcake to anyone who gets that reference.)

I remembered Charlie had said the Cullens went camping frequently.

Sparkledouche said he was going on a hiking trip…

Now it is a camping trip.

Which one is it, S. Meyer?

Camping is not a synonym for hiking.

However, people who are camping usually combine it with other activities such as hunting, fishing, hiking, or canoeing.

“Oh, well, have fun.” I tried to sound enthusiastic. I don’t think I fooled him, though.

It is impossible to fool somebody when you say it in the Eeyore voice.

A smile was playing around the edges of his lips.

Can anybody say sadistic prick?

“Will you do something for me this weekend?"

"Will you please jump in front of an oncoming train?”

Oh, I wish Eddy would say that!

He turned to look me straight in the face,

I hate to break it to S. Meyer, but this is hardly unusual.

People usually make eye contact unless they are on the Autism spectrum or it is for cultural reasons.

For instance, in Japan making eye contact with another person during a conversation is considered rude.

utilizing the full power of his burning gold eyes.

Um, human eyes don’t burn.

Due to Bella’s amazing track record of being a melodramatic diva, it is hard to take everything that she says as gospel.

But if Bella is telling the truth, then Edward is an idiot.

Because nothing says “I’m a paranormal creature” like having burning eyes.

I nodded helplessly.

Because a woman shouldn’t make decisions!

“Don’t be offended, but you seem to be one of those people who just attract accidents like a magnet. So… try not to fall into the ocean or get run over or anything, all right?” He smiled crookedly.

This is the part where we are supposed to exclaim:

But sparkledouche has a point.

Bella Swan is renowned for being a super klutz.

After remarking that “the helplessness had faded”, Bella glares at him.

“I’ll see what I can do,"

It would be simply delightful if Bella was torn apart by rabid wolves.

I snapped

This is not surprising behavior.

Everybody and the Pope know that Bella Swan is a surly bitch.

as I jumped out into the rain.

It could be just me but wouldn’t it make more sense to say:

I snapped as I jumped out [of the car and] into the rain

I slammed the door behind me

Yeah, nothing says "strong female protagonist” like a female character throwing constantly throwing hissy fits.

with excessive force.

When somebody is slamming a car door, they are not closing it gingerly.

The chapter ends with Edward smiling as he drives away.