Twilight Chapter 3

Chapter Summary: Bella is saved by sparkledouche. And Tyler’s van is the best character in this craptastic series.

When I opened my eyes in the morning, something was different.

“My entire bedroom was covered with sticky notes.”

I jumped up to look outside, and then groaned in horror.

Did Bella see demons emerging from the netherworld to rape and pillage? Nope.

Did Bella see an alien invasion? Nope.

Did Bella see Cthulu? Nope.

What did Bella see that is so horrifying? It is snow!

Bella complains that the driveway is a “deadly ice slick.”

And since Bella is so clumsy, she thinks “it might be safer for me to go back to bed.”

Charlie has left for work and Bella has some breakfast.

I felt excited to go to school, and that scared me.

“I can’t lose my weirdo status! That would be terrible!”

I knew it wasn’t the stimulating learning environment I was anticipating, or seeing my new set of friends.

Well, duh.

Bella doesn’t have any friends and thinks she is smarter than everyone else.

If I was being honest with myself, I knew I was eager to get to school because I would see Edward Cullen. And that was very, very stupid.

Most people would be turned off by a guy who acts like a bipolar psycho. But Bella?

She thinks he is a hunk and wants to be near him.

I should be avoiding him entirely after my brainless and embarrassing babbling yesterday.

1. Bella being brainless? Let me think… Yes!
2. But she didn’t babble to Edward. Bella whined about how her life sucks then got all prickly when Edward started asking her questions.
3. If I were her, I would be embarrassed that I bitched and moaned to a perfect stranger then acted rudely.

And I was suspicious of him; why should he lie about his eyes?

Did it ever occur to you that perhaps his eyes never changed color and you only imagined it?

I was still frightened of the hostility I sometimes felt emanating from him, and I was still tongue tied whenever I pictured his perfect face.

“A guy who acts like a douchebag gets me all hot and bothered.”

Bella whines about her perilous journey to walk down the driveway and get inside her car.

Clearly, today was going to be nightmarish.

For the reader, each chapter is always a nightmare.

And on the way to school, Bella becomes a classic Sue trait: she is the most attractive woman in the universe but she is unaware of her beauty. And the Sue gets the attention of all the men and the envy of all the women.

I was sure I looked exactly the same as I had in Phoenix. Maybe it was just that the boys back home had watched me pass slowly through all the awkward phases of adolescence and still thought of me that way.

1. Because of course Bella has met all the guys in Phoenix and they ALL viewed her as a gawky teenager.
2. Wait a tick… She is STILL a gawky teenager.
3. And no, guys do not forever think of a girl as an ugly duckling.
4. The very moment said duckling becomes slightly attractive, guys will forget any past blemishes.
5. It’s likely that the guys in Phoenix had more girls to choose from and ignored the antisocial surly weirdo.

Perhaps it was because I was a novelty here, where novelties were few and far between.

Because Forks is so dull that they would view Bella as a positive addition to their town.

Possibly my crippling clumsiness was seen as endearing rather than pathetic, casting me as a damsel in distress.

Riiight. Because guys would think a weirdo who trips over air molecules to be adorable.

Bella, you ARE a damsel in distress.

Whatever the reason, Mike’s puppy dog behavior and Eric’s apparent rivalry with him were disconcerting. I wasn’t sure if I didn’t prefer being ignored.

“It’s so awful having icky guys fighting over me! If I can’t be Edward’s wife, then I want to be ignored!”

And Mike having “puppy dog behavior”?

Bella has no problem with driving her truck and drives slowly so she doesn’t “carve a path of destruction.”

She arrives at school and realizes that Charlie put snow chains on her truck.

If I was Charlie, I would have cut Bella’s brake lines. Bella is standing by the back of the truck when she hears a loud and high-pitched screech.

It’s Tyler’s Van and it is on a mission from God.

Nothing was moving in slow motion, the way it does in the movies.

Ya know, I think that comment sounded wittier in Stephenie Meyer’s head than it does on paper.

Instead, the adrenaline rush seemed to make my brain work much faster, and I was able to absorb in clear detail several things at once.

For someone who is supposed to be the smartest person in the world, Bella is just standing there while a van is careening towards her.

Edward is staring at Bella “in horror.”

His face stood out from a sea of faces, all frozen in the same mask of shock.

Edward Cullen is the only person that matters! Everybody else is filthy peasants.

But of more immediate importance was the dark blue van that was skidding, tires locked and squealing against the brakes, spinning wildly across the ice of the parking lot.

Why is Bella still alive? The van should have crushed her by now.

It is almost as if Satan is trying to prevent the death of a Mary Sue…

Well, that explains a lot…

It was going to hit the back corner of my truck, and I was standing between them. I didn’t even have time to close my eyes.

Before Bella Swan can be vanquished, someone saves her. I’ll give you three guesses and the first two don’t count.

My head cracked against the icy blacktop, and I felt something solid and cold pinning me to the ground.

1. Don’t worry having any brain damage, Bella.
2. You need to have a brain before it can be injured.
3. “Take me like a kleptomaniac, you perfect and sparkling Adonis!"

Bella is lying on the pavement. The van is determined to vanquish Bella and is about "to collide with me again.”

A low oath made me aware that someone was with me, and the voice was impossible not to recognize.

1. Who is making an oath?
2. Is she talking about someone swearing? The horror!

So Sparkledouche protects Bella (boo hiss!) and kills Tyler’s van.

Rest in peace, Tyler’s van. You are going to see the Spirit in the Sky.

It was absolutely silent for one long second before the screaming began. In the abrupt bedlam, I could hear more than one person shouting my name.

Nobody gives a damn about the driver. Tyler isn’t the Sue so he doesn’t matter.

Instead, everyone is fretting about Bella Swan, Emo Bitch Extraordinaire and the Queen of Phoenix.

Of course, Edward is worried about Bella who bumped her head.

Bella says “ow.”

“That’s what I thought.” His voice, amazingly, sounded like he was suppressing laughter.

Bella wonders how Edward got over to her so quickly and he tells her that “I was standing right next to you, Bella.”

And then they found us, a crowd of people with tears streaming down their faces, shouting at each other, shouting at us.

It is only logical that everyone cares about a sullen and psycho bitch.

Everyone is panicking and Bella tries to get up. Like a perfect gentleman, Edward pushes her down.

He also orders her to “stay put.” Charming.

Bella whines about it being cold. Edward laughs but he is not happy.

She insists that Edward was standing next to his car. Edward then says that he “wasn’t”.

The adults finally show up.

But I obstinately held on to our argument; I was right, and he was going to

admit it.

“I’m the Author Sue! So that means that I’m always right!”

Edward tells Bella that he was standing with her and pulled her out of the way.

Bella gets pissed off and tells him “no.” Edward pleads with her and Bella demands “why?”

Edward tells her to “trust me” and promises to explain everything to her later.

They are both pissed off at each other.

It takes six EMTs and two teachers to move the van so they can bring the stretchers in.

Edward vehemently refused his, and I tried to do the same, but the traitor told them I’d hit my head and probably had a concussion.

1. How is Edward a “traitor”?
2. He promised Bella that he would explain everything.
3. But he didn’t promise that Bella won’t be going to the hospital.

I almost died of humiliation when they put on the neck brace.

“OMG! It’s like so embarrassing to like almost die and have all the common sheep staring at me!”

It looked like the entire school was there, watching soberly as they loaded me in the back of the ambulance. Edward got to ride in the front. It was maddening.

1. Bella wants to be the center of attention…
2. But once people notice her, she bitches and moans because “OMG! The peasants are gawking at me!”
3. You can’t have it both ways, bitch.
4. And in real life, no one would give a damn about a sullen and bitchy weirdo.

To make matters worse, Chief Swan arrived before they could get me safely away.

1. It’s odd that Bella is informal with a guy who has “stalker” written all over him than her own FATHER.
2. She calls him “Chief Swan”.

Charlie is concerned and this annoys Bella. She tunes him out and thinks about what happened.

When they’d lifted me away from the car, I had seen the deep dent in the tan car’s bumper — a very distinct dent that fit the contours of Edward’s shoulders… as if he had braced himself against the car with enough force to damage the metal frame…

1. Stephenie Meyer doesn’t know that metal in a car crash does not neatly bend into the shape of whatever it hits.
2. It usually dents inwards.
3. So Bella should be seeing only a dent.
4. She shouldn’t be able to tell that Sparkle Douche jammed his shoulder against the car.

And then there was his family, looking on from the distance, with expressions that ranged from disapproval to fury but held no hint of concern for their brother’s safety.

Because they despise a Mary Sue.

I tried to think of a logical solution that could explain what I had just seen — a solution that excluded the assumption that I was insane.

And I love the idea that the entire series is told from the perspective of a horny mental patient.

Naturally, the ambulance got a police escort to the county hospital.

Because Bella is so awesome, she can’t say that her dad followed the ambulance.

Instead, she makes it sound like the entire police department escorted her to the hospital.

Bella whines about being in the ambulance.

What made it worse was that Edward simply glided through the hospital doors under his own power.

“It’s so unfair. The filthy peasants are paying ATTENTION to me! It’s like so EMBARRASSING!”

Bella is in the emergency room. A nurse puts on a “pressure cuff” and takes her temperature before walking away.

Which is strange because the nurse didn’t take Bella’s blood pressure.

Bella calls the neck brace “stupid-looking” before getting rid of it.

Thank God the hospital staff no longer gives a damn about the Queen of Phoenix.

Tyler is brought in. He has a nasty head wound and has cuts all over his body.

But since Bella is a Mary Sue, Tyler is groveling. Because Heaven forbid, a Sue is inconvenienced.

He ignored me. “I thought I was going to kill you! I was going too fast, and I hit the ice wrong…” He winced as one nurse started dabbing at his face.

“Don’t worry about it; you missed me.”

“How did you get out of the way so fast? You were there, and then you were gone…”

1. That doesn’t make a lot of sense.
2. Tyler’s van was skidding and spinning on the ice at a high speed.
3. It would be hard to focus on anything and see EXACTLY what is happening.
4. But he was able to SEE Bella and RECOGNIZE her.

Bella tries to explain that it was sparkledouche who saved her. But Tyler is surprised to hear this because he didn’t see Edward.

I knew I wasn’t crazy. What had happened? There was no way to explain away what I’d seen.

Four words: You knocked your head.

But since Bella Swan is a Sue, she can’t have a head injury. What she says must be taken as gospel.

Bella doesn’t have a concussion (how shocking!). But she can’t leave until she talks to a doctor.

So I was trapped in the ER, waiting, harassed by Tyler ’s constant apologies and promises to make it up to me. No matter how many times I tried to convince him I was fine, he continued to torment himself. He kept up a remorseful mumbling.

It’s annoying that Bella Swan constantly sneering at everyone.

I still can’t believe that some people think Bella Swan is a great and likable character.

So Bella ignores Tyler and closes her eyes. Then, Sparkledouche shows up and asks if she is sleeping.

I glared at him. It wasn’t easy — it would have been more natural to ogle.

Because when a guy is a smug douchebag, you should be undressing him with your eyes.

Bella whines that she isn’t allowed to leave and then asks him why isn’t he “strapped to a gurney like the rest of us?”

Edward explains that he has connections and he is here to get her out of the hospital.

A handsome blond doctor shows up. Of course, Bella has a massive lady boner.

For some strange reason, Bella is surprised that the doctor looks tired and has dark bags under his eyes.

From Charlie’s description, this had to be Edward’s father.

1. Charlie only described Edward’s father as being a handsome doctor who is happily married.
2. He didn’t say that the doctor had blond hair.
3. For someone who is supposedly the smartest person in the universe, she is a moron.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen and Bella make polite conversation. He looks at Bella’s X-rays and examines her head.

Edward is snickering and smiling.

Why is Edward the love interest? He is acting like douche. Even Bella thinks so.

Carlisle tells Bella that she can go home but she can come back to the hospital if she starts having any problems.

Bella wants to go back to school because she doesn’t want to be home with her father. She is pissed that Edward can go to school.

“Someone has to spread the good news that we survived,” Edward said smugly.

“Somebody has to collect the bets. The majority of the student body wagered that you were roadkill.”

“Actually,” Dr. Cullen corrected, “most of the school seems to be in the waiting room.”

1. A Mary Sue can’t be ignored!
2. Only an evil blasphemer would do such a thing.
3. If she breaks a nail, somebody must call the National Guard!
4. If the Sue has a boo-boo, the entire country flocks to her to present their condolences and offer her gifts.
5. And why should anyone care about Tyler?
6. He isn’t the Gary Stu or friends with the Sue. He’s a filthy peasant who nearly killed the Queen of Phoenix.

Bella covers her face with her hands and moans “Oh no.” Carlisle says that she can stay in the hospital if she wants.

Bella tries to leave quickly. But since she is such a klutz, she falls. Unfortunately, Carlisle catches her.

She assures him that she is fine. Carlisle signs her chart with a “flourish.”

Bella tells Carlisle that Edward was standing next to her. He mumbles an agreement and then starts treating Tyler.

My intuition flickered; the doctor was in on it.

Bella wants to speak with Edward alone. Edward walks away but she runs after him.

He demands to know what Bella wants. Bella insists that “You owe me an explanation.”

“I saved your life — I don’t owe you anything.”

1. I hate to say it but Sparkledouche has a point.
2. He doesn’t owe her anything.
3. Edward didn’t do anything wrong, he saved her life.
4. Usually, you owe someone an explanation if you did something wrong to someone else.
5. If you save someone’s life, you don’t.
6. Let’s say that I punched someone in the face for no reason, I owe them an explanation.
7. But if I saved someone from being hit by an oncoming train, I would not.

Bella whines that he “promised.” Edward is pissed off and tells her to quit bothering him.

Since Bella is right, she wants to know “the truth” and “why I’m lying for you.”

Edward demands that she tells him what she thinks has happened. Bella blurts out this:

“All I know is that you weren’t anywhere near me —Tyler didn’t see you, either, so don’t tell me I hit my head too hard. That van was going to crush us both — and it didn’t, and your hands left dents in the side of it — and you left a dent in the other car, and you’re not hurt at all — and the van should have smashed my legs, but you were holding it up…”

1. This is EXACTLY the type of babbling that a concussion victim would be spewing.
2. But since Bella is the Author Sue, she is 100% correct.
3. And previously, Bella claimed that Edward stopped the car with his shoulder.
4. NOW she is saying that Edward used his hands.
5. ‘Ello continuity error!

Edward gives her a look like “bitch be crazy” and this angers Bella.

“You think I lifted a van off you?” His tone questioned my sanity, but it only made me more suspicious. It was like a perfectly delivered line by a skilled actor.

1. If this was a line perfectly delivered by a talented actor, it would be hard to determine if it was the truth.
2. Bella is obviously fishing for evidence that people are lying to her.
3. Because if no one believes her crazy story, then they MUST be liars!

“Nobody will believe that, you know.” His voice held an edge of derision now.

Smooth move. You totally didn’t blow your cover.

“I’m not going to tell anybody.” I said each word slowly, carefully controlling my anger.

Minus the people, she has already told.

Bella keeps harassing Edward for the truth because she claims that she doesn’t “like to lie.”

Bella also tells him that she isn’t going to “let it go.”

This isn’t shocking since Bella is obsessed with Edward. They glare at each other for a bit and Bella is the first person to speak.

I was in danger of being distracted by his livid, glorious face. It was like trying to stare down a destroying angel.

1. We get, S. Meyer.
2. Edward Cullen is the most handsome guy in the universe.
3. Stop reminding us every five seconds.
4. BTW: a destroying angel is a deadly white mushroom.

“Why did you even bother?” I asked frigidly.

He paused, and for a brief moment his stunning face was unexpectedly vulnerable.

“I don’t know,” he whispered.

Because nothing says tru luv when the designated love interest doesn’t know why he saved the “heroine” in the first place.

Edward walks away and Bella storms off in a huff.

The waiting room was more unpleasant than I’d feared. It seemed like every face I knew in Forks was there, staring at me.

“It’s so icky that the filthy peasants are staring at me. Guards, send them away!”

Charlie rushes over to Bella and asks if she is okay.

“There’s nothing wrong with me,” I assured him sullenly. I was still aggravated, not in the mood for chitchat.

1. Bella NEVER wants to chat with the filthy peasants.
2. She will only be a chatty Cathy with the sparklepires.
3. And fuck you Bella!

Bella tells Dad that the doctor says that she is fine and that she can go home.

Charlie and Bella start walking towards the hospital doors.

She annoyed that Mike, Jessica, and Eric are there and complains that they began “to converge on us.”

Bella reluctantly waves at her friends and she is relieved to be inside the cruiser.

Charlie drives in silence and for some reason doesn’t put the stereo on.

And Bella is so obsessed about Edward that she “barely knew that Charlie was there.”

I was positive that Edward’s defensive behavior in the hall was a confirmation of the bizarre things I still could hardly believe I’d witnessed.

1. It couldn’t possibly be that Bella hallucinated everything after hitting her head!
2. No! The Sue is always right!

They arrive at the house and Charlie says something.

“Um… you’ll need to call Renée.” He hung his head, guilty.

I was appalled. “You told Mom!”

“Sorry.”

I slammed the cruiser’s door a little harder than necessary on my way out.

1. How dreadful!
2. Bella was almost killed and Charlie dared to tell her mother!
3. The insolence!
4. Even though it would be disrespectful and rude for Charlie not to tell his ex-wife.
5. And for a character who is supposedly wise beyond her years, she loves throwing temper tantrums.

My mom was in hysterics, of course. I had to tell her I felt fine at least thirty times before she would calm down.

Bella’s mom “begged” her to come home. But Bella has no intentions of leaving Forks.

I was consumed by the mystery Edward presented. And more than a little obsessed by Edward himself.

Bella thinks about Edward 24/7 and called him “mean” when he didn’t pay attention to her.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. I wasn’t as eager to escape Forks as I should be, as any normal, sane person would be.

Bella, you are abby normal and insane. Get that through your thick skull.

Bella decides to go to bed early. She complains that Charlie kept an eye on her and how it is “getting on my nerves.”

Then she takes some Tylenol and goes to bed.

That was the first night I dreamed of Edward Cullen.

1. She has been obsessing about Edward since day 1.
2. And I bet Bella has doodled “B + E”, “Mrs. Bella Cullen”, “Bella Cullen”, “I heart Eddy”, “Bedward” and “Bella + Edward = tru luv” all over her notebooks.