A Walk to Remember Chapter 3

Chapter Summary: Nicholas Sparks is trying his damnedest to convince the reader that Hegbert is really a swell guy and Landon has learned the error of his ways.

But Landon’s kindness stems from him trying to stop Karma from collecting his debt.

As a general rule, Southern Baptists don’t dance.

Just like Drax the Destroyer.

In Beaufort, however, it wasn’t a rule that was ever strictly enforced.

Instead, the God-fearing citizens of Rock Ridge Beaufort wag their fingers at wicked sinners who dance.

Landon reveals that the minister before Hegbert allowed school dances so long as they were chaperoned.

By the time Hegbert came along, it was too late to change things.

1. As much as Nicholas Sparks will try and claim that Hegbert is a swell guy with a great sense of humor…
2. This line SHOWS that Hegbert is a Bible-thumping puritan.

Landon remarks how Jamie was “pretty much the only one who’d never been to a school dance.”

He wonders if Jamie knows “how to dance at all.”

I admit that I also had some concerns about what she would wear,

Though it wasn’t something I would tell her.

Because a douchebag would care about hurting someone’s feelings.

Landon remarks for the billionth time that Jamie always wears an old sweater and a plaid skirt.

But the homecoming dance was supposed to be special.

“It’s like like the most important day of my life! There is like no way that it is overrated!”

Most of the girls bought new dresses and the boys wore suits,

and this year we were bringing in a photographer to take our pictures.

1. A photographer takes pictures????
2. Thanks for letting me know Nicholas Sparks!

Landon says that Jamie isn’t going to be buying a new dress because “she wasn’t exactly well-off.”

Ministering wasn’t a profession where people made a lot of money,

1. Look at all these television pastors.
2. They aren’t paupers.
3. And as of 2011, ministers make an average $48,490 per year.

but of course ministers weren’t in it for monetary gain,

1. I surely hope that Nicholas Sparks isn’t naive as Landon.
2. Some are good people who devoted their lives to God and love doing ministry work.
3. But some ministers are self-centered and have an ego the size of Texas.
4. And then there are those who are holier than thou and use their status as a minister to shield them from any criticism.

they were in it for the long haul, if you know what I mean.

1. Some of them retire…
2. And some of them keep doing ministry work until the day they die.

But I didn’t want her to wear the same thing she wore to school every day, either.

“That would be like the worst thing eva!”

Not so much for me-

You don’t want to look bad standing next to Jamie.

I’m not that cold-hearted-

You:

• constantly made fun of Jamie and her father Hegbert.
• despised and ridiculed other people like Carey Dennison and Maggie Brown.
• Regarded girls who “had thick glasses and talked with lisps” to be hideous beasts.
• Refused to date a girl because she had a glass eye and remarked on how it gave you “the willies.”

but because of what others might say.

1. You can try to act like you are a good guy.
2. But anyone with a brain knows that you are still a douchebag.

I didn’t want people to make fun of her or anything.

“Because no one else can mock her but me!”

Landon douchely says that “The good news, if there was any” is that his crush buddy Eric isn’t teasing him “too bad about the whole Jamie situation.”

It turns out that Eric is dating the head cheerleader Margaret Hays.

She wasn’t the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree,

Apparently, Landon has never heard of the saying “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

but she was nice in her own way.

And I bet dollars to donuts that the “nice” thing will be connected to Margaret’s beauty or body.

By nice, of course, I’m talking about her legs.

So after Landon’s lecherous comment, he goes on to say that Eric offered “to double-date with me.”

No lie, when I first read that sentence, I thought that Eric asked Landon on a date.

And from now on, I’m not going to play video games until 11 P.M. and then do a chapter snark.

But Landon turned him down because he didn’t want Eric to be making fun of Jamie.

He was a good guy, but he could be kind of heartless sometimes,

1. So far, Eric has only been a douchebag.
2. Just like you.

especially when he had a few shots of bourbon in him.

1. So you are blaming all of Eric’s bad behavior on booze.
2. I guess accepting personal responsibility is for squares.

So Landon is busy during the afternoon of the dance because he is helping to decorate the gym.

I had to get to Jamie’s about a half hour early because her father wanted to talk to me, though I didn’t know why.

Hopefully, the “talk” will result in Landon being shot with a shotgun and then Hegbert burying him in the backyard.

Landon isn’t “thrilled” that Jamie told him “just the day before.”

I figured he was going to talk about temptation

“Once upon a time, a naked woman listened to a snake in a garden…”

and the evil path it can lead us to.

“And once you finished walking the path, the Devil and all of his minions will torture you for all eternity.”

If he brought up fornication, though, I knew I would die right there on the spot.

And I’m seriously hoping that Hegbert does.

I said small prayers all day long in the hope of avoiding this conversation,

“God, pay off my debt. That way, Karma won’t come to my house and demand payment.”

but I wasn’t sure if God would put my prayers on the front burner,

1. Because out of all the billions of people on this planet…
2. God would answer your prayers first.

if you know what I mean,

1. And thanks to Nicholas Sparks…
2. I wish the words “if you know what I mean” was never invented.

because of the way I’d behaved in the past.

1. Because nothing says that someone is remorseful…
2. Like trying to haggle with God so that you don’t have to face the consequences of your actions.

I was pretty nervous just thinking about it. My mom had let me borrow the car, and I parked it on the street directly in front of Jamie’s house.

1. This is Sparks’ anvilicious way of trying to convince the reader that Landon is redeemed and praise Jesus.
2. If it was any more obvious, light would be shining down on Landon and angels would be singing.

So Landon drives to Jamie’s house after he takes a shower and picks up Jamie’s corsage.

We hadn’t turned the clocks back yet, so it was still light out when I got there,

Landon walks to Jamie’s door and knocks on it twice.

From behind the door I heard Hegbert say, “I’ll be right there,” but he wasn’t exactly racing to the door.

And I’d like to think that Hegbert was loading the shotgun and locating the shovel.

I must have stood there for two minutes or so, looking at the door, the moldings, the little cracks in the windowsills.

For fuck’s sake!

This book makes Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey seem like riveting thrillers in comparison.

The one I sat in was still turned in the opposite direction. I guess they hadn’t sat there in the last couple of days.

*sigh*

Seriously, what’s up with this book’s obsession with repeating things that the reader already knows and blithering on about pointless random crap?

And before I lost my sanity, Hegbert finally opens the goddamn door.

The light coming from the lamp inside shadowed Hegbert’s face slightly and sort of reflected through his hair.

1. Yep, this confirms it.
2. Hegbert isn’t human.
3. Because human hair isn’t clear as crystal.

He was old, like I said, seventy-two years by my reckoning.

1. You said that Hegbert was so old that he had been with the church since “Moses parted the Red Sea.”
2. But you never previously said that he was seventy-two years old.
3. And I double-checked.

It was the first time I’d ever seen him up close, and I could see all the wrinkles on his face.

So he is the human equivalent of a Dogue de Bordeaux?

His skin really was translucent, even more so than I’d imagined.

I know I said it once…

But I’ll say it again…

Sparklepire!

“Hello, Landon. I heard that you plan on taking my daughter to the homecoming dance.”

Landon is shitting bricks and even gulps.

And I’m still hoping that he dies a horrible fucking death.

He then tells Hegbert that “I’m here to take Jamie to the homecoming dance.”

Hegbert knows but wants to talk to Landon first.

Landon enters the house after Hegbert invites him in.

In church Hegbert was a fairly snappy dresser,

Because a preacher/minister/priest would be dressed like a slob.

1. First of all, Hegbert is a minister.
2. And secondly, he stands in front of the congregation.
3. If Hegbert looked like a ragamuffin…
4. It would be considered disrespectful towards God.
5. Along with being incredibly unprofessional.
6. Which is why Hegbert would be dressed nicely.

but right now he looked like a farmer,

“He even had a straw hat and a banjo.”

dressed in overalls and a T-shirt.

This is Nicholas Sparks’ anvilicious way of saying that Hegbert is the salt of the earth.

Hegbert motions for Landon to sit down.

Hegbert then apologizes for taking so long to answer the door and says that he was working on his sermon.

“That’s okay, sir.” I don’t know why, but you just had to call him “sir.”

Just admit it, Landon.

It is a part of the Southern culture to call men “sir” and women “ma'am".

He sort of projected that image.

1. If Landon didn’t call Hebgert sir…
2. It would be considered disrespectful.
3. And when Landon got home, his daddy would be hitting him with a belt.

“All right, then, so tell me about yourself.” I thought it was a fairly ridiculous question, with him having such a long history with my family and all.

Nicholas Sparks…

Pointing it out doesn’t make less stupid.

He was also the one who had baptized me, by the way, and he’d seen me in church every Sunday since I’d been a baby.

So after giving us some pointless and redundant exposition…

Landon tells Hegbert that he is the student body president. Landon also mentions that he wants to go to the University of North Carolina.

Hegbert reveals that Jamie told him all this.

He then asks if Landon has anything else to add.

I had to admit, I was running out of things after that.

1. You could always apologize for being a douche.
2. But silly me.
3. In this shitty book, merely SAYING that you are a good person or a changed person…
4. Means that you ARE a good person or a changed person.
5. Because having to be a person that does good things on a fairly regular basis or accepting the consequences of your actions is for losers…
6. Fuck this book with a chainsaw!

Part of me wanted to pick up the pencil off the end table and start balancing it, giving him the whole thirty seconds’ worth, but he wasn’t the kind of guy who would appreciate it.

1. Newsflash, Landon!
2. NOBODY would be impressed with your lame talent.

Landon replies “I guess not, sir.”

Hegbert then asks Landon: “Why did you ask my daughter to the dance?”

I was surprised, and I know that my expression showed it.

“I don’t know what you mean, sir.”

“It is not like I’ve been a total dick and ridiculed her on a daily basis… And therefore my motive for taking her to homecoming is highly suspect.”

“You’re not planning to do anything to … embarrass her, are you?”

“No, sir,” I said quickly, shocked by the accusation.

“This is a wholesome novel! Like Twilight, all the ‘good’ people never have sex before marriage and are asexual until they meet their one tru luv!”

Landon quickly explains that he “needed someone to go with, and I asked her. It’s as simple as that.”

“You don’t have any pranks planned?”

“No, sir. I wouldn’t do that to her… .”

“Even though my friends and I have been known to sneak out late and soap up car windows. But believe me… I would never do any pranks.”

This went on for a few more minutes-his grilling me about my true intentions,

Landon is thankful that Jamie has entered the room.

He breathes “a sigh of relief” and is happy that Hegbert “finally stopped.”

What a dickweed!

She’d put on a nice blue skirt and a white blouse I’d never seen before. Fortunately she’d left her sweater in the closet.

It wasn’t too bad, I had to admit, though I knew she’d still be underdressed compared with others at the dance.

As always, her hair was pulled up in a bun. Personally I think it would have looked better if she’d kept it down, but that was the last thing I wanted to say.

And Landon still hasn’t gotten the memo that it is rude to criticize someone’s attire.

Jamie looked like … well, Jamie looked exactly like she usually did,

1. Wow.
2. I’m blown away by this declaration of love.

but at least she wasn’t planning on bringing her Bible. That would have just been too much to live down.

Jamie is acting bubbly and asks Landon if Hegbert was giving him a hard time.

Before Hegbert can respond, Landon says “We were just visiting.”

Yet the response doesn’t make any sense.

They are all in Hegbert’s house.

And since Landon is the only person that doesn’t live there…

Logically, Landon is visiting Jamie and Hegbert.

And by the by…

It would make sense if Landon just said: “We were just talking”.

For some reason I didn’t think he’d told Jamie about the kind of person he thought I was,

1. Knowing that Hegbert is such a joyless puritan…
2. I’m pretty sure that he has told Jamie every single day.

and I didn’t think that now would be a good time.

“Well, we should probably go,” she said after a moment. I think she sensed the tension in the room.

1. Considering that Jamie is supposed to be comprised of sugar, spice, and everything nice…
2. I’d be surprised if she has a clue.

Jamie walks over to her father and kissed him on the cheek. She tells him not to stay up late. And Hegbert promises her that he won’t.

Even with me in the room, I could tell he really loved her and wasn’t afraid to show it.

A parent is supposed to love their child, YOU TWAT!

It was how he felt about me that was the problem.

“How can anyone hate me? I am a wonderful human being. I also have a dizzying intellect and a rapier wit.”

They both say goodbye to Hegbert and then head towards the car. Landon opens the door for Jamie.

Landon then tells her that he’ll show her how to pin on a corsage.

But she has already pinned it on. And Landon starts the car.

As they are heading towards the school, Jamie remarks that her dad thinks that Landon is irresponsible.

She then adds that Hegbert dislikes Landon and his family.

Landon is pissed off, thinking to himself: I get the picture.

“But do you know what I think?” she asked suddenly.

I bet it has something to do with God or His plan.

“Not really.” By then I was pretty depressed.

1. This is a subtle sign that Landon is going to fall in love with Jamie…
2. Because Landon needs to earn Hegbert’s approval…
3. So he can marry Hegbert’s daughter.
4. Man, this book has the subtly as a seal clubber.

“I think that all this was in the Lord’s plan somehow. What do you think the message is?”

Here we go, I thought to myself.

You know what?

Those are my exact thoughts every time that J.K. Rowling retcons Harry Potter or writes problematic content (ex: History of Magic in North America)…

Anywho, Landon starts to bitch and moan.

Landon complains that “most of my friends kept their distance” and because Jamie “didn’t have many friends to begin with”, he spent most of the night with her.

Even worse, it turned out that my presence wasn’t even required anymore.

He can’t just say that he no longer needed a date.

Instead, Landon makes it sound like he is a prince being requested to attend a ball.

It turns out that the school changed the rule because Carey couldn’t get a date.

And this makes Landon “pretty miserable”.

But because of what her father had said to me, I couldn’t exactly take her home early, now, could I?

1. You could…
2. But it would only confirm the fact that you are a vile sack of shit.

Landon says that Jamie is “really having a good time” and loves “everything about the dance.”

Jamie then asks if he could help her decorate the church one day and he mumbles sure.

To be honest, I was depressed for at least the first hour, though she didn’t seem to notice.

1. Newsflash, Landon!
2. The Earth DOES NOT revolve around you!

Jamie had to be home by eleven o’clock, an hour before the dance ended, which made it somewhat easier for me to handle.

Fuck you, Landon!

Landon is pleasantly surprised that Jamie is “pretty good dancer, considering it was her first time and all.”

After dancing for a bit, they head over to the tables and talk.

Sure, she threw in words like “faith” and “joy” and even “salvation,” and she talked about helping the orphans and scooping critters off the highway,

1. We get it, Sparks.
2. Jamie is a saintly girl and a paragon of virtue.
3. Stop reminding us every five seconds.

but she was just so damn happy,

1. Ya know…
2. In real life, people who are happy 24/7 are either suffering from depression or from mental illness.

it was hard to stay down for long.

1. Yes, Nicholas Sparks.
2. We know that Landon is going to fall in love with Jamie because she is his soulmate.
3. Stop shoving this down our throats.

Landon adds that things got worse when Lew and Angela showed up.

He was wearing that stupid T-shirt, Camels in his sleeve, and a glop of hair gel on his head.

“Ignore the fact that I called him a ‘real winner.’”

Angela is drunk and is clinging to Lew.

Her dress was really flashy-

Translation?

Because in the world of Nicholas Sparks, women who wear attractive clothes are sluts.

While the “good” women are natural beauties who wear plain clothing.

her mother worked in a salon and was up on all the latest fashions-

Even though you can know about the latest fashions without working at a salon.

There is a newfangled thing called “fashion magazines”.

and I noticed she’d picked up that ladylike habit called chewing gum.

I know this is a minor nitpick…

But it is something worth noting.

Out of twenty-one books Nicholas Sparks written so far (minus his latest novel Every Breath), five books mention gum chewing.

And the characters fall into these categories:

Unladylike: A Walk to Remember

Promiscuous/Sluty Women (subtly implied or strongly implied): The Guardian (subtle).

Not Depicted in a Negative Light: The Wedding (because the person chewing gum was a daughter of the main character).

Annoying/Described in a Negative Fashion: The Last Song (annoying), See Me (compulsive).

Annoying and Associated with Promiscuous Women: The Lucky One

I’m sensing a pattern…

She really worked that gum, chewing it almost like a cow working her cud.

1. We get it, Sparks.
2. Chewing gum is a nasty habit. Now…

It turns out that Lew spiked the punch bowl. And by the time that the teachers find out, most of the students are drunk.

When I saw Angela gobble up her second glass of punch, I knew I should keep my eye on her. Even though she’d dumped me, I didn’t want anything bad to happen to her.

Even though Landon has been an insufferable prick that sneers at others with delusions of a Wildean wit…

We are supposed to be applauding Landon for being such a kind and caring guy.

She was the first girl I’d ever French-kissed, and even though our teeth clanked together so hard the first time we tried it that I saw stars and had to take aspirin when I got home,

1. Where do I begin?
2. First of all, first kisses ARE usually awkward or bad.
3. Very rarely is the first kiss great…
4. And no, fireworks are not going to be going off.
5. You know what?
6. I’m starting to think that the only reason why Landon’s first kiss is being brought up…
7. Is because it shows that Landon didn’t meet his one tru luv.
8. And when Landon kisses Jamie, it is going to be the best kiss eva because he met his soulmate.

I still had feelings for her.

“I’m such a good human being! Believe me!”

So there I was, sitting with Jamie, barely listening as she described the wonders of Bible school,

1. Isn’t Landon charming, ladies?
2. He’ll tune you out if the conversation isn’t about him.

Landon is looking at Angela out of the corner of his eye when Lew notices.

He grabs Angela around the waist and drags her over to the table. Lew then gives Landon “one of those looks, the one that ‘means business’.”

He asks if Landon was “staring at my girl?”

Here’s another thing from Twilight: treating women like property.

Landon quickly says no. But Angela insists that he was and remarks how Landon used to be her boyfriend.

After hearing information that the reader already about, Lew glares at Landon.

I guess I have this effect on lots of people.

It is a normal reaction when dealing with a douchebag.

Lew sneers, saying that Landon is “the one.”

Now, I’m not much of a fighter.

“Instead, I’m a douchebag.”

The only real fight I was ever in was in third grade, and I pretty much lost that one when I started to cry even before the guy punched me.

“See readers? I’m a lover not a fighter! So adore me!”

Usually I didn’t have much trouble staying away from things like this because of my passive nature,

“And ignore the fact that I’m a vile human being with an ego the size of Texas. I’m clearly perfect husband material.”

and besides, no one ever messed with me when Eric was around.

“It’s great to have a friend that acts as my own personal bodyguard!”

Landon laments that Eric is with Margaret “probably behind the bleachers.”

And in the YA world of Nicholas Sparks, they are probably just kissing and holding hands.

Anywho…

Landon insists that he wasn’t staring and he doubts whatever Angela told him was true.

This infuriates Lew and he asks if Landon is “calling Angela a liar?”

Oops.

It’s time to sit back and have some popcorn because the show is about to begin.

Unfortunately, Landon is saved by the bell Jamie.

Jamie is her usual cheery self and asks if she knows Lew.

Sometimes Jamie seemed oblivious of situations that were happening right in front of her.

1. You can’t have it both ways, Sparks.
2. Jamie is either a special snowflake that is socially clueless who loves the Bible, saving cute animals, and all things Jesus…
3. Or Jamie is a very religious girl who is aware of social interactions and situations.
4. Pick one.
5. And considering the fact that Jamie sensed the tension in the room when Landon was talking to Hegbert…
6. Along with saving Landon from being beaten like a rug five seconds ago…
7. I’m going out on a limb and say that Jamie isn’t oblivious.

Jamie rattles off some details about Lew: where he works, his father’s name, where his grandmother lives, along with whether or not he is circumcised.

Okay, not the last item on the list.

Lew is confused by Jamie’s information dump. Personally, I’d be concerned if I’m standing in front of a stalker.

“How do you know all that? What he’d do, tell you about me, too?”

“No,” Jamie said, “don’t be silly.”

She laughed to herself. Only Jamie could find humor at a time like this.

Or she could be trying to defuse a hostile situation, you twit!

Jamie explains that she saw Lew’s picture in his grandmother’s house when she was helping to bring in the groceries.

Lew was looking at Jamie as though she had cornstalks growing out of her ears.

Because in order for Landon to be the best thing since sliced bread…

Lew has to be a moron.

Jamie starts to fan herself and offers for Angela and Lew to sit down and join them.

Jamie’s friendliness baffles Lew.

Unlike those of us who were used to this sort of thing, he’d never come across someone like Jamie before.

1. It’s been previously established that since Beaufort is a small town, everyone has been “in the same classes our entire lives.”
2. Which means that Lew would HAVE met Jamie at some point.
3. ‘Ello continuity error!

If it sounds confusing to you, imagine what it was doing to Lew’s petroleum-damaged brain.

I’m blinded by this Christlike love and kindness.

Eventually, Lew finally decides to walk away, taking Angela with him.

Angela had probably forgotten how the whole thing started anyway, owing to the amount she’d had to drink.

1. We get it, Sparks.
2. Angela is drunk.
3. Stop talking.

Landon stops holding his breath once Angela and Lew are far away.

Landon is also astonished that Jamie saved him from “grave bodily harm.” He then thanks her.

This causes Jamie to give him a strange look.

“For what?” she asked, and when I didn’t exactly spell it out for her, she went right back into her story about Bible school, as if nothing had happened at all.

Why is this story so fucking inconsistent?

Because of Jamie’s heroism, Landon decides to do this:

But this time I found myself actually listening to her, at least with one of my ears. It was the least I could do.

Later on, Angela starts projectile vomiting in the girl’s bathroom.

Lew, being the classy guy he was, left when he heard her retching, sort of slinking out the way he came in, and that was the last I saw of him.

Look who’s acting high and mighty!

This is the same “protagonist” who barely listens to his date and is a major douchebag.

Jamie, as fate would have it, was the one who found Angela in the bathroom, and it was obvious that Angela wasn’t doing too well.

1. You mean that healthy people don’t barf?
2. Thanks for letting me know, Nicholas Sparks!

Landon concludes that they need to clean Angela “up and take her home before the teachers found out about it.”

Getting drunk was a big deal back then, and she’d be looking at suspension, maybe even expulsion, if she got caught.

Underage drinking is still a big deal, you blockhead!

and she’d be looking at suspension, maybe even expulsion, if she got caught.

You mean that the school would actually punish a student who broke the rules?

And I thought they only rapped students on the knuckles if they misbehaved!

Thanks for informing me, Nicholas Sparks.

Jamie, bless her heart, didn’t want that to happen any more than I did

Landon is surprised that Jamie doesn’t want Angela to get into trouble.

She’d also broken another one of Hegbert’s rules for proper behavior.

1. Just one rule?
2. Angela was drunk, broke the law, and didn’t wear frumpy clothes.
3. So as far as Hegbert is concerned, she is the Whore of Babylon.
4. And I’m pretty sure that 99.99% of the world would be considered rulebreakers.

Landon goes on to say that while Hegbert hates law-breaking and drinking, “it didn’t get him going like fornication.”

we all knew he was deadly serious

Because sex that isn’t for the purpose of procreation is simply diabolical!

and we assumed Jamie felt the same way.

Or to quote Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory:

So, I will condemn you internally while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.

And maybe she did, but her helper instinct must have taken over.

No, no, no!

Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

She probably took one look at Angela and thought “wounded critter” or something like that

That’s right, gentlepersons.

Angela is being compared to a wounded animal.

So Eric stands guard outside while Jamie and Landon clean up the bathroom.

Angela had done a marvelous job, I tell you. The puke was everywhere except the toilet. The walls, the floor, the sinks-even on the ceiling, though don’t ask me how she did that.

What a judgemental asshole!

So there I was, perched on all fours, cleaning up puke at the homecoming dance in my best blue suit,

which was exactly what I had wanted to avoid in the first place.

“It’s not easy being a silently suffering saint.”

Landon is quick to say that Jamie is doing the same thing.

I could practically hear Carey laughing a squeaky, maniacal laugh somewhere in the distance.

All aboard the Crazy Train! Next stop: the lunatic asylum!

They sneak Angela out of the school through the back door of the gym. And Angela wants to know where Lew is located.

but Jamie told her not to worry. She had a real soothing way of talking to Angela

Enough with dehumanizing Angela!

Anyway, they get her into the backseat of Landon’s car. But then Angela vomits and then passes out.

The smell was so awful that we had to roll down the windows to keep from gagging, and the drive to Angela’s house seemed extra long.

So after copying the tactic of “doing someone a favor and then bitching about it incessantly” from Anastasia Rose Steele, Landon arrives at Angela’s house.

Her mother answered the door, took one look at her daughter, and brought her inside without so much as a word of thanks.

1. Angela is most likely suffering from alcohol poisoning…
2. But Landon is bitching and moaning…
3. Because Angela’s mom didn’t hand Landon a bouquet and then commend him for bringing her daughter home.
4. WHAT THE FUCK?!

Either because of the editor alerted Nicholas Sparks that Landon sounded like a horse’s ass or Sparks realized it….

Landon quickly backpedaled.

He says that: I think she was embarrassed, and we really didn’t have much to say to her anyway.

In other words?

Ignore the fact that Landon took a situation and made it all about him.

Anyway, Landon drops Jamie off at ten forty-five.

I was really worried when we got there because of the way she looked and smelled,

1. Now that I’m thinking about…
2. Wouldn’t at least somebody noticed something?
3. A girl who is projectile vomiting like she’s from The Exorcist as she is being escorted outside by two students…
4. Is hardly covert.

and I said a silent prayer hoping that Hegbert wasn’t awake.

1. Um God?
2. It’s me, the Merchant of Snark.
3. Could you pretty please make Hegbert awake?
4. That way Landon could die and that way I can be done snarking this shit.

I didn’t want to have to explain this to him.

Please do! But first, give me some time to make the popcorn.

Oh, he’d probably listen to Jamie if she was the one who told him about it,

I bet she would.

I can hear the conversation right now:

“Daddy? I’m home! Today I did a good deed by saving a miserable li’l critter named Angela…”

but I had the sinking feeling that he’d find a way to blame me anyway.

And then probably kill you for exposing his sweet little angel to drunkenness and sin.

So I walked her to the door, and we stood outside under the porchlight.

1. Because before Landon didn’t want to be seen with her in broad daylight!
2. Now he has taken her to the dance!
3. And Landon even walked her to the front door.
4. My tiny mind is blown with all this subtle symbolism and foreshadowing!

Jamie crossed her arms and smiled a little, looking just as if she’d come in from an evening stroll where she’d contemplated the beauty of the world.

“I’m a Special Snowflake, yes indeed. And I only exist so I can die tragically in order to cause the main character anguish and to preach at the readers.”

Landon asks not to mention this to her father.

Jamie assures Landon that she won’t and thanks him for taking her to the dance.

Here she was, covered in puke, actually thanking me for the evening.

Why are you repeating things that the reader already knows about?

And…

Jamie Sullivan could really drive a guy crazy sometimes.

1. Landon…
2. You drive ME crazy!