Varney the Vampire Chapter 3

Want to read Varney the Vampire? All 237 chapters can be found here.

Chapter summary: Our intrepid heroes the local village idiots shoot Varney. Of course, Varney is wearing thick plot armor.

Which means we get another chapter where characters standing and talking along with more melodrama.

"He is human!" cried Henry;

You just saw a guy with "metallic eyes" whose mouth was "dabbled in blood" after attacking Flora.

But you are still coming to the conclusion that Varney is human...

Wow, somebody has the I.Q. of Bella Swan.

And yes...

I know that prior to this story being published, vampire lore wasn't well known and culturally speaking vampires were a rather new phenomenon in England.

But if somebody saw what Henry had seen, their first thought wouldn't be "That guy was human and not a supernatural creature."

"I have surely killed him."

He was wearing thick plot armor.

Marchdale agrees and says that they should go outside the wall and find the body.

And here comes a long sentence.

This was at once agreed to,

Hopefully this means we won't have another chapter where characters are just standing around talking to each other.

and the whole three of them made what expedition they could towards a gate

Who knew heading towards a gate was such a strenuous task?

which let into a paddock, across which they hurried, and soon found themselves clear of the garden wall,

According to Merriam Webster, a paddock is usually enclosed area used especially for pasturing or exercising animals.

And the Collins dictionary states that a paddock is a field where horses are kept or exercised.

So why would anyone have a garden next to a paddock?

First of all, you'd be smelling animal droppings.

And the end of the day, somebody would be walking the animals through the garden in order to put them in the stable or barn.

So...

so that they could make way towards where they fully expected to find the body of him

And I bet dollars to doughnuts that they won't find a corpse.

who had worn so unearthly an aspect,

Maybe because he is....

I don't know... Not human!

but who it would be an excessive relief to find was human.

Because a blood-drinking fiend is normal.

So hurried was the progress they made,

That they were sweating like pigs!

that it was scarcely possible to exchange many words as they went;

Unless they suddenly lost the ability to speak...

They can still talk.

a kind of breathless anxiety was upon them,

Sorry, authors.

I don't care what happens to these people.

and in the speed they disregarded every obstacle,

Because in a potential dangerous situation...

It is sensible to be unaware of one's surroundings.

which would, at any other time, have probably prevented them from taking the direct road they sought.

Is the gate obstructed by litter or debris?

If so, why?

And if not, what would have prevented them from taking the direct route?

It was difficult on the outside of the wall to say exactly which was the precise spot which it might be supposed the body had fallen on;

1. Unless Henry has the attention span of a ferret high on crack...
2. Henry should remember where he shot Varney.
3. And by knowing that, he could determine where the body should be.

but, by following the wall its entire length, surely they would come upon it.

I bet that they are not going to find a body.

They did so; but, to their surprise,

Found a leprechaun.

they got from its commencement to its further extremity without finding any dead body, or even any symptoms of one having lain there.

Varney is alive!

Well... For a member of the Undead.

At some parts close to the wall there grew a kind of heath, and, consequently, the traces of blood would be lost among it,

1. According to Collins Dictionary, a heath is an area of open land covered with rough grass or heather and with very few trees or bushes.
2. And Merriam Webster defines it as a type of plant or uncultivated land usually with poor and coarse soil.
3. Which means they are referring to a type of plant.
4. So unless it has the magical ability to absorb blood...
5. The three men should be able to find blood if Varney was wounded.
6. And now that I'm thinking about it, a vampire plant is a cool idea.

if it so happened that at the precise spot at which the strange being had seemed to topple over, such vegetation had existed.

Ugh. Reading this made my brain hurt.

So there was some vegetation when Varney fell over...

And now it no longer exists.

Even though we were told a few seconds ago that the plants made it impossible to see any blood.

So the three guys walk around the wall twice and they can't find anything.

"It could not have been a delusion," at length said Mr. Marchdale, with a shudder.

1. Also, that's not how delusions work.
2. Just you see something, doesn't mean that it is real.
3. And sometimes the delusions are very vivid.

So the three guys walk around the wall twice and they can't find anything.

"Then what terrible explanation can we give?"

1. This sentence sounds weird.
2. It is because they used the word "terrible".
3. Right now, it sounds like one of the men are asking for a bad explanation.
4. I think the correct word would be "other."
5. But as Mark Twain wisely said:

"By heavens! I know not," exclaimed Henry.

If you knew what was going on, then you wouldn't be bewildered.

"This adventure surpasses all belief, and but for the great interest we have in it, I should regard it with a world of curiosity."

*Takes a deep breath *

1. That's right, gentlepersons.
2. A person has been brutally attacked.
3. But the situation is described as being an "adventure."
4. Fuck this book with a chainsaw!

"It is too dreadful," said George; "for God's sake, Henry, let us return to ascertain if poor Flora is killed."

You mean that it is a good idea to do an investigation before coming to a conclusion???

"My senses," said Henry, "were all so much absorbed in gazing at that horrible form, that I never once looked towards her further than to see that she was, to appearance, dead. God help her! poor -- poor, beautiful Flora. This is, indeed, a sad, sad fate for you to come to. Flora -- Flora -- "

"Do not weep, Henry," said George. "Rather let us now hasten home, where we may find that tears are premature. She may yet be living and restored to us."

They all agree and hurried back to the house.

Henry, after some trouble, got the hall door opened by a terrified servant, who was trembling so much that she could scarcely hold the light she had with her.

"Speak at once, Martha," said Henry. "Is Flora living?"

"Yes; but -- "

"Enough -- enough! Thank God she lives; where is she now?"

Martha says that Flora is in her bedroom and proceeds to freak out. The three guys rush into the room.

Several lights had been now brought into that antique chamber,

But they clashed with the decor.

and, in addition to the mother of the beautiful girl who had been so fearfully visited,

Somebody placed a creepy clown doll on the nightstand.

there were two female domestics, who appeared to be

using their cell phones and are on Twitter.

in the greatest possible fright,

Because after seeing Flora's mother in a sheer nightgown...

Somethings can't be unseen.

for they could render no assistance whatever to anybody.

1. Translation?
2. They are useless.

The tears were streaming down the mother's face,

Because some asshole randomly decided to cut a lot of onions.

and the moment she saw Mr. Marchdale, she clung to his arm,

She was doing a Bella Swan impersonation.

evidently unconscious of what she was about,

Um...

She suddenly doesn't know who she is?

and exclaimed, --

Shitty dialogue mixed with an exposition dump.

"Oh, what is this that has happened -- what is this? Tell me, Marchdale! Robert Marchdale, you whom I have known even from my childhood, you will not deceive me. Tell me the meaning of all this?"

Aside from the "As you know Bob" dialogue...

The mother called Marchdale by his surname and then used his full name.

This doesn't make any sense.

In Victorian times, especially in formal settings, people would be referred to by their surnames or titles.

But if people were friends, they would be calling each other by their first name.

So the mother would be referring to Richard Marchdale as Richard.

Also, just because you know someone from childhood....

It doesn't mean that they are a honest person.

"I cannot," he said, in a tone of much emotion.

"As God is my judge, I am as much puzzled and amazed at the scene that has taken place here to-night as you can be."

And in other news, the Pope is Catholic and bears shit in the woods.

Anyway, the mother bawled her eyes out. I don't blame her.

I would too if I found out that I was a character in a penny dreadful.

"It was the storm that first awakened me," added Marchdale; "and then I heard a scream."

Let's rewind, shall we?

• Marchdale asked the two brothers what's going on.
• Then Flora started shrieking.
• The sound caused Flora's mom to faint.
• Marchdale grabs her so she doesn't hit the floor.
• He tells Harry/Henry to hold his mother.
• Finally, Marchdale cries “Follow me who can!” as he heads towards Flora's room.

What does all this mean?

1. Flora's mother and the three men heard a noise. Which means, Marchdale wasn't the only one that heard screaming.
2. Also, Marchdale never previously mentioned that he was awakened by the storm.
3. Normally, the second point wouldn't be suspicious. But considering the fact that Marchdale lied...
4. It sounds like he is trying to create an alibi.
5. In conclusion?

Anyway, the brothers are quivering as they approach the bed. Flora is sitting in bed, being propped up with pillows.

She was quite insensible,

How is this unusual?

It would be MORE surprising if Flora was in a lively mood.

and her face was fearfully pale;

All you need is some glitter, and Flora would be a perfect sparklepire.

while that she breathed

Another vampire failed in killing a damsel in distress.

at all

If Flora doesn't breathe, she would be dead.

could be but very faintly seen.

Um...

People normally don't take deep and heavy breaths.

On some of her clothing,

There was yellow stains.

about the neck, were spots of blood,

How is that possible???

When Varney bit Flora, blood was gushing.

Which means the nightgown and the bed sheets should be soaked with blood.

and she looked more like one who had suffered some long and grievous illness,

You mean when someone is mauled by a vampire, they aren't going to look gorgeous??

Thanks for letting me know!

than a young girl in the prime of life and in the most robust health,

"She was so fit that she could do a triathlon!"

as she had been on the day previous

Because according to Varney the Vampire's logic...

Only healthy people are attacked by vampires.

to the strange scene we have recorded.

It isn't a normal occurrence to be attacked by a vampire.

"Does she sleep?" said Henry

Because the first words that should come out of a person's mouth after someone has been attacked...

Is to ask if they are sleeping.

as a tear fell from his eyes upon her pallid cheek.

Ah, the single tear.

How nauseating.

"No," replied Mr. Marchdale. "This is a swoon, from which we must recover her."

Quick! Somebody fetch the smelling salts!

Active measures were now adopted

Because reviving a damsel in distress is urgent!

Cue the dramatic music!

to restore the languid circulation,

Uh, "languid circulation"?

According to Merriam Webster, languid is defined as being "sluggish" or "lacking in force or quickness in movement."

Correct me if I'm wrong...

If somebody has slow circulation, it means that they have a serious health problem.

and, after persevering in them for some time, they had the satisfaction of seeing her open her eyes.

Instead of being relieved that Flora is awake...

They seem annoyed that it took so long for her to regain consciousness.

Her first act upon consciousness returning,

Was to exclaim her undying devotion to Varney.

however, was to utter a loud shriek,

A shriek is hardly quiet.

and it was not until Henry implored her

"Implored her?"

I guess only a filthy peasant would have used the word begged or pleaded.

to look around her,

To find that the hills are alive with the sound of music.

and see that she was surrounded by none but friendly faces, that she would venture again to open her eyes,

...

.......

Previously, Flora's eyes were already open.

But now, her eyes were closed but she then opened them.

'Ello contradiction!

and look timidly from one to the other.

At least she looked at them "timidly".

It would be unbecoming of a lady to act like a New Woman.

After Flora shuttered, she starts crying and says:

"Oh, Heaven, have mercy upon me -- Heaven, have mercy upon me and save me from that dreadful form."

"There is no one here, Flora," said Mr. Marchdale,

There is:

• Mr. Marchdale
• Harry/Henry
• George
• Flora's mother
• Two female servants

In total, there are six people in the room excluding Flora.

What Marchdale meant to say was there is nobody here that will harm her.

But as Mark Twain wisely said:

"but those who love you,

"If they really hated you, they would have buried you alive."

and who, in defence of you, if needs were would lay down their lives."

"Despite the fact that you have the personality of stale toast, we would die to save you."

Now that I'm thinking about it... If this was an Anita Blake book, this would result into a sex scene.

So after Mr. Marchdale's declaration, Flora starts yelling "Oh, God!"

"You have been terrified.

"Mr. Marchdale, why are you repeating the obvious?"

"It is because the authors think that the reader has the IQ of a house plant."

But tell us distinctly what has happened?

Gotta love how they must be told "distinctly".

I guess only peasants would only ask what happened.

You are quite safe now."

"Ignore the fact that while you were mauled by an unholy abomination, we bumblefucked around. But believe me when I say that everything is going to be alright."

She trembled so violently that

She resembled a chihuahua defecating on the lawn.

Mr. Marchdale recommended that some stimulant should be give to her,

Because even though the unholy creature will most likely return to try and suck Flora dry, it is best that she be high as a kite.

and she was persuaded,

Because it is like her mama taught her: when somebody offers free drugs, you accept the offer and then ask for a straw.

although not without considerable difficulty,

Because it was the first time, she stuck a needle in her vein.

to swallow a small portion of some wine from a cup.

Because drinking something is a strenuous task.

There could be no doubt but

First it was certain but now it isn't. In conclusion:

that the stimulating effect of the wine

Alcohol is a depressant.

was beneficial,

Because when someone has been traumatized, the best thing to do is give them booze.

for a slight accession of colour

According to the Cambridge dictionary, "accession" is a time when a country officially joins a group of countries or signs an agreement. It is also used when someone starts a position of authority especially a king or queen.

While Merriam-Webster defines "accession" as a process that someone rises to a position of power or something being added (such as an acquisition).

Which means that "Accession" is not a synonym for "spread" or "blushed."

So in conclusion:

visited her cheeks,

At least it visited her.

A churl would have arrived unannounced.

and she spoke in a firmer tone as she said, --

Spoke is past tense word for speak and said is a past tense word for say.

Both words are used when someone is talking.

Which makes this part of this sentence redundant: . . . colour visited her cheeks, and she spoke in a firmer tone as she said, --

Personally, I would remove re-write the sentence as this:

. . . colour visited her cheeks and she spoke in a firm voice.

"Do not leave me. Oh, do not leave me, any of you. I shall die if left alone now. Oh, save me -- save me. That horrible form! That fearful face!"

There is only so much melodrama that a person can endure, so I'll try to summarize some of it.

Henry asks Flora what happened. Flora then refuses to tell him.

Her reasoning? If she did that, then she would "ever sleep again."

Eventually, Henry convinces Flora to tell them what had transpired.

She placed her hands over her face for a moment, as if to collect her scattered thoughts,

Last time I checked...

If someone placed their hands over the face, it doesn't stop them from losing their train of thought.

and then she added, --

"By the way, I'm bi."

"I was awakened by the storm, and I saw that terrible apparition at the window. I think I screamed, but I could not fly. Oh, God! I could not fly. It came -- it seized me by the hair. I know no more. I know no more."

Uh "could not fly"?

Humans don't have wings. Flora should know this.

Honestly, it would make more sense if Flora said that she could not flee.

After Flora runs her hand across her neck several times, Marchdale notices that she has a wound.

After he points out the obvious, Flora's mom freaks out and brings a light closer to the bed. This causes them to all see the wound but it is now only two small puncture marks.

It was from these wounds the blood had come which was observable upon her night clothing.

Especially since the authors are hell bent on insisting that Flora's wounds are the size of paper cuts.

Since Henry has the same amount of brain cells as Bella Swan, he asks Flora how she got the wounds.

Of course, this causes Flora to reply that she doesn't know but it felt like she "almost bled to death."

"You cannot have done so, dear Flora, for there are not above half-a-dozen spots of blood to be seen at all."

When Varney bit her, blood gushed.

That does not cause pinprick stains.

Mr. Marchdale leaned against the carved head of the bed for support, and he uttered a deep groan. All eyes were turned upon him,

Instead of focusing on the vampire victim, we should care about this guy being so anguished.

and Henry said, in a voice of the most anxious inquiry, --

"Have you something to say, Mr. Marchdale, which will throw some light upon this affair."

Instead of a period, there should be a question mark since Henry/Harry is asking Mr. Marchdale something.

Mr. Marchdale then insists that he has nothing to say and that Flora should get some sleep.

"No sleep -- no sleep for me," again screamed Flora. "Dare I be alone to sleep?"

Anywho… Henry assures Flora that she won't be alone because he will watch over her.

She took his hand in both hers, and while the tears chased each other down her cheeks, she said, –

"Promise me, Henry, by all your hopes of Heaven, you will not leave me."

"I promise."

Henry and Flora are siblings.

....

................

Somewhere Cassandra Clare is all hot and bothered.

Anywho…

Flora laid down, sighed, and then closed her eyes.

"She is weak, and will sleep long," said Mr. Marchdale.

Two things.

1. Flora being weak? No shit Sherlock.
2. As for Flora sleeping soundly? That depends. She could have a nightmare and wake up.

"You sigh," said Henry.

Marchdale didn't sigh. Flora did.

"Some fearful thoughts, I feel certain, oppress your heart."

It can't oppress the heart of the mailman who lives at the end of the street.

"Hush -- hush!" said Mr. Marchdale, as he pointed to Flora. "Hush! not here -- not here."

"I understand," said Henry.

"Let her sleep."

Can she though?

I don’t know about you, but if people were in my bedroom talking and yelling…

It would wake me up.

It turns out that Flora is in a deep slumber. Hard to believe, I know.

The idiots are quiet for a minutes before George says something.

He tells Mr. Marchdale to look at it.

He pointed to the portrait in the frame to which we have alluded,

Translation: Wink wink! The portrait that we subtly pointed out is significant.

and the moment Marchdale looked at it

He thought: "Man, that picture is nightmare fuel."

he sunk into a chair

Because as it turns out, it was a bean bag chair.

as he exclaimed, -- "Gracious Heaven, how like!"

Aside from being redundant...

It is also cringe-worthy.

"It is -- it is," said Henry. "Those eyes -- "

"Pierce right though me."

"I wonder if he is related to my mother in law."

"And see the contour of the countenance,

According to Merriam Webster, contour is a structure of something or is an outline of a irregular figure.

Usually, contour is used to describe architecture or a shape of a car.

Which means the right word to use would be silhouette not contour.

In conclusion:

and the strange shape of the mouth."

"Who knew that someone can have a hexagon shaped mouth?"

"Exact -- exact."

Why is he saying the same word twice?

"That picture shall be moved from here.

The correct word is portrait.

A picture can be a representation of a building, a landscape, or a person.

While a portrait is a painting or a picture of a person, especially the head and the shoulders.

In conclusion?

The sight of it is at once sufficient to awaken all her former terrors in poor Flora's brain if she should chance to awaken and cast her eyes suddenly upon it."

Too verbose.

It would be better if he just said "The sight of it will frighten Flora if she wakes up and looks at the portrait."

"And is it so like him who came here?" said the mother.

Why does everyone in the story have the same amount of brain cells as Bella Swan?

In case you are wondering, Bella has four brain cells.

Of course Marchdale confirms that yes, it is the same person.

"I have not been in this house long enough to ask any of you whose portrait that may be?"

Wait a tick...

Marchdale is a friend of Flora's mother.

So he must have been to the house multiple times.

Which means that the first part of the sentence is absolute horseshit.

As for the second part?

It makes sense that Marchdale didn't see the portrait since it is in Flora's bedroom.

A man entering a lady's bedroom that isn't a doctor would have created a scandal.

"It is," said Henry, "the portrait of Sir Runnagate Bannerworth, an ancestor of ours, who first, by his vices, gave the great blow to the family prosperity."

"Sir Runnagate Bannerworth"?

Reginald, Reynard, and Rupert are actual names.

Runnagate is not.

A quick Google search reveals that runagate is a word meaning "runaway", "vagabond", or "fugitive".

So bravo authors.

You have the subtlety of Stephenie Meyer.

"Indeed. How long ago?"

"About ninety years."

"Ninety years. 'Tis a long while -- ninety years."

It is really annoying when characters repeat stuff that that the reader already knows.

Aside from being redundant...

It is also treats the reader like they are an idiot who need everything to be spelled out in 72 pt Times New Roman font.

"You muse upon it."

"No, no. I do wish, and yet I dread -- "

"What?"

"To say something to you all. But not here -- not here. We will hold a consultation on this matter to-morrow. Not now -- not now."

Part of this chapter was dedicated to talking about Flora and the vampire.

'Ello continuity error!

Anyway... Henry tells everyone else they can go to bed because he is going to watch over Flora.

Of course, he describes it keeping "my sacred promise". Can anyone say melodramatic?

Henry also adds that "The daylight is coming quickly on."

"I will fetch you my powder-flask and bullets," said Mr. Marchdale; "and you can, if you please, reload the pistols. In about two hours more it will be broad daylight."

First, the daylight is quickly approaching.

But now it is going to appear in two hours.

Which is it authors?

This arrangement was adopted.

It was placed with a loving family.

Henry did reload the pistols, and placed them on a table by the side of the bed, ready for immediate action,

In other words...

You only reload a gun if you are intending to use it.

and then, as Flora was sleeping soundly,

It is still pretty impressive that she is sleeping...

Considering the fact that people are talking and moving around.

all left the room but himself. Mrs. Bannerworth was the last to do so.

She would have remained,

Because mommy dearest was busy reading the newspaper.

but for the earnest solicitation of Henry,

At least the solicitation was sincere.

Because if it wasn't, it should be refused out of principle.

that she would endeavour to get some sleep to make up for her broken night's repose,

...

..........

Why can't the authors just say that Henry pleaded with his mother go to bed?

It is much more concise than this verbose sentence.

and she was indeed so broken down by her alarm on Flora's account,

How is this surprising?

It would be alarming if Flora's mother acted annoyed that Flora survived.

that she had not power to resist,

Before, Flora's mom wanted to stay.

Now she can't wait to leave.

Because only losers care about consistency!

but with tears flowing from her eyes,

Um...

Do tears flow anywhere else?

she sought her own chamber.

How is that unusual? People usually have their own bedroom.

Unless they are sharing a room with someone.

...

Now I can't help but wonder if Flora's mother wanted to spend the night with Marchdale.

Think that couldn't happen? Plenty of bad romance novels have a scene where a man comforts a woman and it results in sex.

And now the calmness of the night

There was inclement weather.

Hell, it was described as being the storm of the century.

resumed its sway

At least it swayed.

We don't want it standing idly by.

in that evil-fated mansion;

Because any horror writer knows, a good story always sucks the suspense out!

and although no one really slept but Flora,

Because most people would be sleeping soundly after a monster entered their home and attacked someone!

all were still.

They were practicing the pose used by many Mary Sues: wait around until life showers them with happiness.

Busy thought kept every one else wakeful.

And in other news: people will eventually die and karma is a bitch.

It was a mockery to lie down at all,

They all must have hated Flora.

Because they are "still."

and Henry, full of strange and painful feelings as he was,

If this was a Philippa Gregory novel, these emotions would be incestuous.

preferred his present position

Because angst makes him feel alive!

to the anxiety and apprehension

That the reader is supposed to be feeling but frankly doesn't give a damn.

on Flora's account

Rather than the account of Miss Smith, a spinster who is the local librarian.

which he knew he should feel if she were not within the sphere of his own observation,

...

Because two pistols are enough to stop a member of the Undead. Logic be damned!

and she slept as soundly

All thanks to Nyquil!

as some gentle infant tired of its playmates and its sports.

Because a vampire victim should be compared to a tired infant.

*Takes a deep breath *

Thankfully, this chapter finally ends.