Varney the Vampire Chapter 2

Want to read Varney the Vampire? All 237 chapters can be found here.

Chapter Summary: Most of the chapter is spent having the other characters talk to each other and wondering what’s going on. Eventually, they search the house and find the vampire.

Lights flashed about the building,

1. Goddamn it! Who turned on the strobe lights?
2. People are trying to sleep!
3. Oh!
4. The authors were trying to say that people turned on all the lights in the house.
5. But…

and various room doors opened;

By themselves???

voices called one to the other.

It is PEOPLE not voices who can call to each other.

There was an universal stir and commotion among the inhabitants.

Because EVERYONE would react exactly the same in a situation.

“Did you hear a scream, Harry?” asked a young man, half-dressed, as he walked into the chamber of another about his own age.

He was wearing boxers with unicorns on them.

“I did – where was it?”

“Because looking for the source of the commotion requires too much effort.”

“God knows. I dressed myself directly.”

1. So you can dress yourself indirectly?
2. Oh book, you fail at the English language.
3. Either he dressed himself or he was dressed by a servant.
4. And if the guy dressed himself, then the word “directly” is unnecessary.
5. Because “dressed myself” means that someone put on their own clothes.

The two guys are now convinced that it wasn’t a dream. Then they start blithering on about how they heard the scream and start wondering where the sound came from.

There was a tap now at the door of the room where these young men were, and a female voice said, – “For God’s sake, get up!”

Because a voice is capable of knocking a door.

1. Apparently, the lady thinks that people are able to have long-winded conversations in their SLEEP.
2. Correct me if I’m wrong…
3. But people who talk in their sleep are usually mumbling or whispering.
4. They are not enunciating every word.

The two men point out that they are already up.

And oh goody…

There is another boring conversation that doesn’t result in anything exciting or interesting.

It turns out the woman is the mother of the damsel in distress and one of the guys.

Maybe the other guy is her son too.

But it’s hard to tell because the scene suffers from talking head syndrome.

So Mom wants everyone to search the house.

Another person now joined the party.

And they brought cheesy nachos.

The other person is a middle-aged man and he asks what’s going on.

Scarcely had the words passed his lips, than such a rapid succession of shrieks came upon their ears, that they felt absolutely stunned by them.

1. Um…
2. Wouldn’t they be horrified or worried FIRST?
3. Especially since this is coming from a friend/sibling/or possibly a significant other.

The elderly lady, whom one of the young men had called mother, fainted, and would have fallen to the floor of the corridor in which they all stood, had she not been promptly supported by the last comer, who himself staggered, as those piercing cries came upon the night air.

It’s time for a writing exercise!

Let’s see if we can take this long sentence and rewrite it.

I’ll go first.

The last comer staggered back as piercing cries filled the night air. The elderly mother fainted. She started to fall. His eyes widened. The man rushed over and caught her.

Now, my rewrite isn’t perfect and there is room for improvement.

But in comparison to the original sentence, it is much easier on the eyes and not long-winded.

The two young men are still “paralysed.”

For some strange reason, the authors suddenly changed Harry’s name to Henry. And we find out that the damsel in distress is named Flora and the woman is Henry’s mother.

Anywho, the middle-aged man tells Henry to hold his mother.

The young man mechanically supported his mother,

1. So the young man is a cyborg?
2. But in all seriousness, why didn’t the authors just say “The young man held his mother”?

The middle-aged man goes to his bedroom to get his pistols and then returns.

“Follow me who can!” he bounded across the corridor in the direction of the antique apartment,

1. I looked up the word apartment in the Collins dictionary, Merriam Webster, and the Cambridge dictionary.
2. The word apartment is mainly used in North America to describe a series of rooms in a building.
3. While in the U.K., people would call it a flat.
4. In the interest of fairness…
5. I will acknowledge the fact that in British English, the word apartment is used to describe a large room or large rooms with expensive furniture and decorations.
6. But when it is used in that fashion, the word is plural.
7. Example from the Cambridge Dictionary: The Royal Apartments are open to the public.
8. In conclusion? I’d think the word bedroom or bedchamber would be a better fit.

from whence the cries proceeded, but which were now hushed.

1. Fun little nitpick: “from whence” is redundant.
2. Whence is an archaic word meaning “from where” or “from what source.”
3. So the authors are saying from twice.

That house was built for strength, and the doors were all of oak,

and of considerable thickness.

Unhappily, they had fastenings within,

Because doors have emotions!

so that when the man reached the chamber of her who so much required help, he was helpless, for the door was fast.

1. Here’s a novel idea…
2. Break the door down!

The middle-aged man is screaming Flora’s name. When he doesn’t get any response, he finally realizes that they need to break the door down.

“I hear a strange noise within,” said the young man, who trembled violently.

WHICH ONE????

Is it Henry?

Or is the other young guy?

Why does this story love to be vague?

Why does it hate to clarify things to the reader or use the names of the characters?

“And so do I. What does it sound like?”

“I scarcely know; but it closest resembles some animal eating, or sucking some liquid.”

…….

…………..

………………………………………….

Forgive me for not trembling in my boots.

But the whole sucking the liquid thing reminds me of a scene in Dracula: Dead and Loving It when Dracula is drinking Lucy’s blood and he’s making a loud, slurping sound.

“What on earth can it be? Have you no weapon that will force the door? I shall go mad if I am kept here.”

SOMEBODY PLEASE USE THE FUCKING GUN!!!

*sigh* Okay, I’m feeling better.

So in real life, shooting open a lock isn’t easy.

It requires a high powered gun at close range, specialized ammunition, and full face protection.

And even then, the goal is to destroy the door or the hinge.

But I’d rather they do something instead of dicking around.

“I have,” said the young man. “Wait here a moment.”

Why is this story so hell-bent on being incredibly vague and not clarifying a damn thing?!

He ran down the staircase, and presently returned with a small, but powerful, iron crow-bar.

Because in a situation where someone is possibly dead or seriously injured…

It is important to focus on something’s size and strength.

“This will do,” he said.

“It will, it will. – Give it to me.”

And before anyone accuses me of looking at something through rainbow colored glasses…

Would two heterosexual men say these things to each other?

After having a homoerotic dialogue, they talk about how Flora hasn’t said anything.

And one of them remarks about the “odd sound” and how it “curdles the very blood in my veins to hear it.”

The middle-aged man takes the phallic crow-bar.

and with some difficulty succeeded in introducing it between the door and the side of the wall –

After exchanging pleasantries, they talked about the weather.

Something snaps and the door swings wide open.

To those who were engaged in forcing open the door of the antique chamber,

You just said that the door was open…

And now it is closed???

where slept the young girl whom they named Flora,

1. They didn’t name her, you dumbass! Her parents did.
2. And are you telling me that a guy was randomly shouting a girl’s name?
3. Instead of… I don’t know… using her actual name?
4. In conclusion?

each moment was swelled into an hour of agony;

Translation?

After some purple prose, we find out that the guy who opened the door is called Marchdale.

To rush in with a light in his hand was the work of a moment to the young man named Henry;

1. Since when????
2. Earlier, Henry went to get a crowbar.
3. It was never mentioned that he got a candlestick or a lantern.

but the very rapid progress he made into the apartment prevented him from observing accurately what it contained,

1. Because if someone was just screaming bloody murder…
2. The smart thing to do is to charge into a room without looking at one's surroundings.
3. This just proves one thing.
4. If this guy was in a horror movie, he’d be dead within three minutes.

for the wind that came in from the open window caught the flame of the candle, and although it did not actually extinguish it, it blew it so much on one side, that it was comparatively useless as a light.

Apparently, the authors never heard of the phrase “less is more”.

Anyway, Henry starts screaming Flora’s name. And something (i.e. Varney) “dashed” off the bed.

The concussion against him was so sudden and so utterly unexpected, as well as so tremendously violent, that he was thrown down, and, in his fall, the light was fairly extinguished.

1. “Fairly extinguished?”
2. Is that being like a little pregnant or sober drunk?

All was darkness, save a dull, reddish kind of light that now and then, from the nearly consumed mill in the immediate vicinity, came into the room.

1. There has been severe wind and hail along with torrential rain for a long period of time.
2. It would have put out the fire.
3. Unless someone has been pouring gasoline into the fire in order to make everything dark and foreboding.

Varney is rushing towards the “window”.

And Henry notes that Varney is so tall that “he nearly reached from the floor to the ceiling.”

The other young man, George, saw it,

He is also a person that will disappear after chapter 36.

and Mr. Marchdale likewise saw it,

He then took a picture and posted it on Twitter.

as did the lady who had spoken to the two young men in the corridor

She fainted again and this time nobody cared.

when first the screams of the young girl awakened alarm in the breasts of all the inhabitants of that house.

1. They weren’t that alarmed.
2. If they were, then everyone would have acted expeditiously.
3. Instead, they were all chatting with each other and wondered what’s going on.

The figure was about to pass out at the window which led to a kind of balcony, from whence there was an easy descent to a garden.

1. It’s not a WINDOW, you morons!
2. It would be called balcony doors.

Before it passed out they each and all caught a glance of the side-face, and they saw that the lower part of it and the lips were dabbled in blood.

1. Uh, Varney?
2. You have a bit of something on your face.

They saw, too, one of those fearful-looking, shining, metallic eyes which presented so terrible an appearance of unearthly ferocity.

Such a creature is called a troll.

No wonder that for a moment a panic seized them all, which paralysed any exertions they might otherwise have made to detain that hideous form.

They were probably astonished that Varney fell down the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

But Mr. Marchdale was a man of mature years;

That’s another way of saying that he is middle-aged.

he had seen much in life,

And some of it can’t be unseen.

both in this and in foreign lands;

And after meeting new exciting people, he killed them.

and he, although astonished to the extent of being frightened,

1. You just said that “panic seized them all.”
2. ‘Ello continuity error!

was much more likely to recover sooner than his younger companions, which, indeed, he did, and acted promptly enough.

“Don’t rise, Henry,” he cried. “Lie still.”

“They can’t see you if you don’t move."

Almost at the moment he uttered these words, he fired at the figure, which then occupied the window, as if it were a gigantic figure set in a frame.

Varney is being likened to a giant painting?

…..

…………….

……………………………

The report was tremendous in that chamber,

The amount of paperwork is simply mind-boggling!

for the pistol was no toy weapon,

1. Because in a dangerous situation…
2. Someone would use a toy in order to attack an enemy or an intruder.

but one made for actual service, and of sufficient length and bore of barrel to carry destruction along with the bullets that came from it.

…….

So in other words, it is a working gun.

"If that has missed its aim,” said Mr. Marchdale, “I’ll never pull trigger again.”

1. Quick nitpick.
2. The second sentence is missing a word.
3. It should be “I’ll never pull [the] trigger again.”

Marchdale dashes forward and tries to grab Varney.

The tall form turned upon him, and when he got a full view of the face, which he did at that moment, from the opportune circumstance of the lady returning at the instant with a light she had been to her own chamber to procure,

Because Heaven forbid we don’t get a dramatic reveal.

even he, Marchdale, with all his courage, and that was great,

Marchdale recoils and exclaims “Great God!”

That face was one never to be forgotten.

It was also the stuff of nightmares.

It was hideously flushed with colour –

Because Varney put on a lot of rouge.

the colour of fresh blood;

the eyes had a savage and remarkable lustre whereas, before, they had looked like polished tin –

How spooky!

they now wore a ten times brighter aspect, and flashes of light seemed to dart from them.

Eyes shooting beams of light?

Varney howls. He considers attacking Marchdale. Suddenly Varney changes his mind and gives a shrieking laugh before dashing through the balcony doors.

“God help us!” ejaculated Henry.

1. And before anyone calls me sophomoric…
2. Yes, I know that “ejaculated” can also mean “exclaim” or “to say something suddenly.”
3. But with all the unintentional homoerotic moments and unsubtle sexual symbolism…
4. It was low hanging fruit!

Mr. Marchdale drew a long breath, and then, giving a stamp on the floor, as if to recover himself from the state of agitation into which even he was thrown, he cried, –

Because nothing says heroic badass like stomping your feet like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum.

Marchdale says that he will follow the vampire. But Henry’s mother urges him not to do it.

Ignoring common sense, Marchdale, Henry, and the other guy named George chase after Varney.

This causes the mother to scream bloody murder and she is begging them to stay.

The mother approached the bed-side of the insensible, perhaps murdered girl;

1. If that happened…
2. Then this would be a short story.

she saw her, to all appearance, weltering in blood,

1. Wait a tick…
2. According to Merriam Webster, weltering is to become deeply sunk, soaked, or involved.
3. Which means Flora is steeped in blood.
4. But in Chapter 1, Varney bit Flora.
5. So was Flora bitten?
6. Or was she mauled by Varney?
7. Which is it, authors?

and, overcome by her emotions, she fainted on the floor of the room.

The guys are now in the garden. We get more descriptions about the burning mill even though it is getting close to sunrise.

Marchdale sees Varney heading for the wall. The men dash through a thicket and find Varney. He is “looking wild and terrified, and with something in his hand which looked like a portion of clothing.”

“Which way, which way?” they both cried in a breath.

1. One moment, the three guys found Varney…
2. And now they can’t.
3. Which is it?

He leant heavily on the arm of George, as he pointed along a vista of trees, and said in a low voice, –

“Everything that the light touches is our kingdom…”

“God help us all. It is not human. Look there – look there – do you not see it?”

1. And as we soon find out…
2. If George didn’t see it, then he would be blind as a bat.

They look and see something near the wall of the garden.

At that point it was full twelve feet in height, and as they looked, they saw the hideous, monstrous form they had traced from the chamber of their sister, making frantic efforts to clear the obstacle.

Twelve feet?!?

………….

……………………………..

………………………………………………………………..

* a few seconds later *

Sorry for the delay. I just had to ducktape my head back together.

Now it’s time to dissect the idiocy!

1. To prevent people’s eyes from glazing over…
2. In general, human height is affected by genetics and nutrition.
3. Which is why in England, the average height of men has fluctuated for 2,000 years.
4. The setting for Varney the Vampire is inconsistent. (What a surprise…)
5. Allegedly it is set in the early 18th century but it alludes to things contemporary for people living in the mid 19th century.
6. Let’s just say for argument’s sake that Varney the Vampire is set in the mid 19th century.
7. The average height for British men at the time was 5'6” and any man above 5′9″ would be considered very tall.
8. While a tall person would have to duck under every door frame…
9. There is no way that someone that is TWELVE feet tall could enter a building.
10. In case anyone doubts me…
11. Below is a twelve-foot-tall statue of Darcy.
12. Does that look like it could easily fit inside a Victorian mansion?

They saw it bound from the ground to the top of the wall, which it very nearly reached, and then each time it fell back again into the garden with such a dull, heavy sound, that the earth seemed to shake again with the concussion.

………….

……………………………..

For a creature that is supposed to be a sinister creature of the night…

It is as graceful as Bella Swan.

They trembled – well indeed they might,

Because people would be trembling at a clumsy vampire.

and for some minutes they watched the figure making its fruitless efforts to leave the place.

1. If Varney was a cat, this would be amusing.
2. But since he is a vampire…
3. It is simply pathetic.

“What – what is it?” whispered Henry, in hoarse accents. “God, what can it possibly be?”

A drunk vampire?

“I know not,” replied Mr. Marchdale. “I did seize it. It was cold and clammy like a corpse. It cannot be human.”

“It is almost as if it is something starting with a v and ending in pire.”

“Not human?”

Humans aren’t normally cold to the touch.

"Look at it now. It will surely escape now."

1. Varney has been bumblefucking around for a bit.
2. And we have zero indications that he will be able to escape.

"No, no – we will not be terrified thus – there is Heaven above us. Come on, and, for dear Flora’s sake, let us make an effort yet to seize this bold intruder.”

1. Leave Heaven out of this, you fucking twits!
2. All you have been doing is dicking around.
3. If you were actually concerned, you would have already done something.

“Take this pistol,” said Marchdale. “It is the fellow of the one I fired.

A pistol now has a gender identity?

Try its efficacy.”

1. Shouldn’t you know if a weapon works BEFORE giving it to someone?
2. But silly me.
3. Common sense is a mythical creature rarely (if ever) found in bad fiction.

Henry is freaking out because he is convinced that Varney will leave.

Plot convenience kicks in and Varney reaches the top of the wall.

The guys are upset at the idea that Varney is going to escape…

So they rush towards the wall.

They got so close to the figure before it sprang down on the outer side of the wall, that to miss killing it with the bullet from the pistol was a matter of utter impossibility, unless wilfully.

Because only squares write subtle plot twists!

Henry aims the gun and pulls the trigger. Varney shrieks and then he falls.

“I have shot him,” cried Henry, “I have shot him." –