Petra Pan Chapter 1: Part 1

Chapter Summary: Our story begins with Eirwen Darling participating in a fencing tournament.

Of course, we are constantly reminded every five seconds that he is a saintly guy with awesome sword fightin’ skillz. Which means Eirwen must be the Chosen One.

Nota Bene: Even though the story only has nine chapters, each chapter is very long. So I have decided to take each chapter and break them up into several parts.

And in case you want to read Petra Pan... This is where you can read it or download it for free.

“En garde…ready…fight!” the judge called out to the two fencers that were standing in the field of play in the middle of a large hall.

The first sentence in and I’m already cringing.

The line “that were standing in the field of play on the middle of a large hall” is awkwardly worded.

The sentence can either be “En garde…ready…fight!” the judge called out to the two fencers that were standing in the field of play

OR “En garde…ready…fight!” the judge called out to the two fencers that were standing in the middle of a large hall.

Eirwen Darling’s opponent - Thomas Paisley -

He is also known as Character Who Disappears After Chapter One

So Thomas moves forward and lungs his foil at a guy named Eirwen.

Eirwen deftly parried the attack,

I’d expect a fencer to be competent.

and was about to riposte when loud, overzealous female cheering coming from the stands distracted him.

1. This isn’t Eirwen’s first competition.
2. And he is an athlete.
3. Which means that he should be able to tune out the screaming fans and focus on the game.
4. Also, every fencing match is timed. So…

“Darling! Darling! Darling! My Darling! My darling!” the girls all chanted in lovesick voices.

The tips of Eirwen’s ears turned red out of embarrassment

and he groaned.

"Attractive girls fawning over me is such a drag!”

“Ugh. What do they think they’re doing? This isn’t a basketball game!”

1. Eirwen, fans usually cheer at sporting events.
2. Why are you acting as if this is Abby Normal?
3. Just because this is a fencing match, doesn’t mean nobody applauds or cheers.
4. Look at this video:

This is the 2010 Junior Fencing World Championships in Azerbaijan.

Every time that someone scores a point, you can hear applause or cheering.

His fan girls were there again.

1. A lot of heterosexual guys would feel flattered with receiving female attention.
2. But this sends Eirwen running for the hills.
3. Is he Edward Cullen in disguise?

He glanced at them out of the corner of his eyes and immediately wished he hadn’t.

Eirwen saw someone cosplaying as Anita Blake.

His flush started to spread to his cheeks.

Blushing appears on a person’s face.

It turns out the Eirwen’s fangirls are holding banners and posters that say things like: ‘Do your best, my Darling!’ and ‘I (heart) Eirwen Darling’.

Eirwen hated that his last name was ‘Darling’.

You mean bitching and moaning isn’t a sign of contentment?

Thanks for letting me know, KuroKoneko Kamen!

When the girls called out to him it sounded like they were using a silly pet name.

I’ll let this speak for itself:

And with the way they were looking at him lustily he had the feeling he was right on the money.

Congratulations, Eirwen.

You have five more brain cells than Bella Swan.

The reason that Eirwen Darling had fan girls in the first place

No, no, no!

Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

was because his great grandfather Eirwen Darling was famous for being the inspiration behind the popular children’s book: Petra Pan.

…

……..

…………………..

…………………………………………

That’s right, gentlepersons. Girls are lusting after a guy because one of his relatives was the inspiration behind a famous children’s book.

And it gets even more creepy. It is revealed that Eirwen has a strong resemblance to his great grandfather.

So when people pictured the boy who’d been spirited away to Neverland by Petra Pan for a series of grand adventures -

Yeah, it’s simply whimsical that a child was kidnapped by a sociopath.

And in case anyone thinks I’m joking…

Here is an interesting article that cited quotes from J.M. Barrie’s Peter Pan.

they usually pictured the boy with Eirwen’s face.

Eirwen looks like his famous great grandfather.

Eirwen’s great grandfather was dead now, but people never seemed to forget the connection.

At the risk of sounding redundant, I’ll say it again:

Eirwen’s current opponent

Thank you, Captain Redundant.

and close friend, Thomas,

This character is a friggin’ McGuffin.

Without him:

• Eirwen would have never fought a psychopath.
• Petra Pan wouldn’t have witnessed a duel and decided that Eirwen must be the Chosen One.
• And while Eirwen was hospitalized, Eirwen wouldn’t have taken him to Neverland.

So yeah, I don’t give a damn about Thomas.

We are told that Tom is “a good sport” because he waited for the cheers to die down.

“As always, you’re popular with the ladies, Eirwen. I’m jealous.”

“Even though these ladies should not live within two thousand feet of any daycare centers and schools."

Like himself, Thomas was dressed in an all-white fencing uniform with a chest protector made of plastic and a lamé - a layer of electrically conductive material worn over the fencing jacket in foil that was used for detecting hits.

People who are professional fencers actually wear a uniform???

A mesh metal mask was covering his face protectively,

so Eirwen was unable to see what was undoubtedly Thomas’s amused expression.

Let’s break this down, shall we?

1. We know that Eirwen and Thomas are wearing the same uniform…
2. They also wear a mask.
3. And this same mask supposedly makes it unable to see someone’s face.
4. So if you can’t see someone’s face, then you can’t see someone’s body.
5. Which means that Eirwen and Thomas are just swinging their swords blindly.

“Do shut up,” Eirwen groused irritably,

1. Ah, bad dialogue tags.
2. How I loath thee.
3. And isn’t Eirwen such a good friend?

Tom parries Eirwen’s blow and then does a counterattack.

Eirwen gracefully parried.

1. We get it, K. Kamen.
2. Eirwen is the best swordsman ever.
3. Stop reminding us every five seconds.

This was the London Open - a fencing competition for national and international fencers.

1. Remember this, gentlepersons.
2. Because later on, I will explain its significance.

Eirwen had made it to the final,

1. It could be just me…
2. But this sentence seems off.
3. Perhaps it would be better if it read: Eirwen had made it to the final round.

and this last match would determine the gold medal winner and champion of the competition.

If a person wins a competition, they are crowned the winner and get a medal or a trophy.

He wanted to make the club he belonged to - the Academy Cadets Club - proud.

People who participate in a sport or belong in a club want to do their best.

But at least…

We are told that Eirwen needs one more point to win.

Eirwen’s muscles were beginning to ache and a pounding headache was beginning to form behind his eyes. His vision was blurring slightly. He blinked rapidly to clear his vision and looked up towards the stands.

1. These sentences just gave me a migraine.
2. A good action scene doesn’t read like a laundry list.
3. Instead it should have descriptions sprinkled throughout.

What the…?

It is an apt description for this book.

There perched at the very top of the stands was the oddest girl Eirwen hadever seen.

And he had seen a chick cosplay as Cthulhu.

Her wild, long, golden blonde hair with scattered braids was adorned with spring flowers and ivy vines. She was dressed in a green tube dress that was decorated with ivy, and a pair of green ankle boots made out of soft leather.

Even more laundry list descriptions.

And wouldn’t someone dressed like that be noticed by a lot of people?

Her grass-green eyes were sparkling mischievously and an impish smile quirked her pink, pouty lips.

She looked very ‘fairy-like’ or ‘pixie-like’,

but she had no wings and was the size of a normal human girl around his age. (Eirwen had just turned eighteen).

1. Last time I checked, humans don’t have wings.
2. So no shit, Sherlock.
3. And "size of a normal human girl”?
4. Merriam Webster defined size as “physical magnitude, extent, or bulk : relative or proportionate dimensions.”
5. While height is the “distance from the bottom to the top of someone or something standing upright”.
6. An example would be: “a woman of average height”
7. Which means that the right word would be height and not size.
8. In conclusion:

Maybe it was just how the sunlight coming in from the windows framed her body with a golden aura that made her look so…otherworldly.

Fairy cosplay?

Because it is totally normal for someone to have a golden aura.

Eirwen wondered in bemusement, arching an eyebrow at her.

When Eirwen blinks his eyes, the girl disappears.

What the?

1. So a girl dressed in a fairy outfit with a golden aura isn’t Abby Normal.
2. But her suddenly disappearing is considered unusual.
3. Gotta love Eirwen’s logic.

Thanks to Eirwen’s well-honed battle reflexes he just barely managed to dodge a lunge from Tom

1. I know that I’m supposed to be impressed with Eirwen aka Mr. I haz awesome swordfightin’ skillz.
2. But it is really obnoxious when Eirwen’s alleged badassery is constantly shoved in my face every five seconds.

- the fencing blade passing his face.

I know that I’m supposed to clutching my pearls…

But I simply don’t give a damn.

Bloody hell.

My exact words every time a character thinks or does something stupid.

Eirwen needed to concentrate on his match.

After taking a deep breath, Eirwen charges forward. And because the plot demands it, he scores the winning point.

Of course the cheers are “deafening” as everybody stands up and chants “Darling! Darling! Darling!”

Eirwen had to resist the urge to plug up his ears with his index fingers.

Look at this fencing mask:

Does it look like someone can stick their fingers in their ears?

Eirwen removed his helmet while Tom did the same.

1. Wait a tick.
2. Originally, they were wearing a mask.
3. And now it is a helmet?
4. As Mark Twain wisely said:

So Eirwen is smirking.

He’d won the match.

His final match.

Because it will handle the topic of contemplating suicide in a half-assed and almost flippant manner.

Eirwen ran his hand through his “sweaty, short, dark brown hair”.

Tom was grinning at Eirwen cheerily even though he’d lost.

It means that Tom isn’t a sore loser, you dumbass.

“Brilliant match.”

Don’t give Eirwen a verbal handjob.

So Eirwen shakes Tom’s hand and says “Hell yeah.”

Suddenly, Tom asks if Eirwen if he is really quitting fencing.

Eirwen shrugged carelessly.

1. There is no such thing as accidentally or “carelessly” shrugging your shoulders.
2. It is a gesture that a person can make.

Eirwen replies “I’m afraid so.“

So Tom glares at him and demands “Why?”

“Fencing…just doesn’t interest me anymore,” Eirwen lied.

I’ll let this speak for itself:

“Bollocks!” Tom swore in a frustrated manner.

Two things:

• Show don’t tell
• And…

Tom goes on to say that he knows that Eirwen will return to fencing someday and that he is waiting for "our next rematch."

He then adds "But next time it will be at the Olympics.”

And I just threw up in my mouth. Want to know why?

• Eirwen Darling is so handsome and famous that all the girls want to bang him.
• He is also the Chosen One.
• And because of Eirwen’s awesome swordfighting’ skillz, he could compete at the Olympics…

*deep sigh*

Anywho, Eirwen "half-heartedly agreed” and then looks at his two younger sisters. Their names are Joan and Michelle.

And like everyone else, they are “waving and screaming his name.” Eirwen grins at them.

His sisters were utterly adorable, and the apples of his eyes.

1. It could be just me…
2. But it comes across as incredibly creepy that a brother is describing his younger sisters as being “utterly adorable.”
3. Especially in a book where girls are lusting after the main character because his great grandfather was the inspiration behind a famous children’s book.
4. And said main character has a raging why boner for a genderbent version of Peter Pan who is now a teenage girl with huge bazongas…
5. So in conclusion:

Joan was eight-years-old, and had the same boring dark brown hair he did.

…

I didn’t know that having brown hair was “boring.”

She’d pulled her hair back into a serious ponytail,

“Serious ponytail”???

I didn’t know that ponytails could emote.

“Serious ponytail” is as asinine as the term female-presenting nipples.

Joan also wears glasses.

Michelle, on the other hand, didn’t look related to them.

Because all siblings must look identical!

She had blonde hair, which she wore in two pigtails, bright blue eyes, a round cherubic face, and a smattering of freckles along the bridge of her nose.

1. 'Ello Laundry List O' Doom.
2. In real life, a child can look exactly like their mother, their father, or both parents.
3. And sometimes, they can strongly resemble a grandparent.
4. I don't know why K. Kamen thinks it is unusual...
5. Because people would generally assume that one of the Darling parents was a brunet[te] while the other was a blond[e].

Michelle was holding a stuffed pink unicorn.

Eirwen met their gazes and held up his sword in a triumphant pose.

So in other words…

He is posing like this:

So Eirwen is heading towards his siblings with “purposeful steps”.

Out of the corner of Eirwen’s eye, he noticed that a man in a hoodie was approaching his sisters. He didn’t really think anything of it

1. Considering the fact that the Darling children are orphans and Eirwen is taking care of them…
2. You’d think he’d be concerned that a stranger is approaching his sister.
3. Especially since said stranger is concealing their face…

until the man suddenly grabbed Michelle, who let out a surprised squeak.

Swiper no swiping!

The man kept one arm wrapped around Michelle’s waist while he turned to face Eirwen and used his right hand to lower his hood to reveal-

It was Woody Allen.

It was Jim Graveson - an ex-fencer.

Um… What?

Prior to this scene, Jim was never mentioned or appeared in this chapter.

But it’s painfully obvious that this is supposed to be important because of the dramatic reveal.

So…

We then get an info dump about Jim.

It turns out that Jim attended the same school as Eirwen. He also belonged to the Academy Cadets Club.

But Eirwen was forced to quit the club after being expelled from school for getting into fights.

We are also supposed to believe the following:

If he hadn’t been expelled, Jim would have participated in the London Open and probably would have ended up in the finals against Eirwen since he was a better fencer than Tom.

That requires a lot of assuming.

• Not only Jim would have to be better than Tom…
• But he would have to be better than everyone else in the fencing club minus Eirwen.
• Also, Tom would have better than all the other contestants in the London Open in order to fight Eirwen.

It was no secret that Jim had liked to consider himself Eirwen’s rival.

You’d think that a “rival” would be a prominent antagonist and not some random guy who came out of left field.

Jim was tall and had a lanky physique. His skin was overly pale and he had short curly black hair. He was wearing a Black Sabbath T-shirt, a pair of faded jeans and some muddy sneakers.

Eirwen’s fan girls probably would have considered Jim to be attractive if it wasn’t for the glazed, slightly psychotic look in his eyes.

1. Puh-lease!
2. If that was the case, then you wouldn’t have women lusting after Ted Bundy, Edward Cullen, and Christian Grey.

Eirwen gave the young man a confused look.

A person who has a “psychotic look” has snatched his sister.

But this makes Eirwen bewildered.

“Jim.”

“Eirwen,” Jim drawled with a dark edge.

Normally, I would remark on the unnecessary dialogue tag…

But I’m still dumbfounded by Eirwen’s idiocy.

“Why are you doing this, Jim?” Eirwen demanded, trying to keep the panic out of his voice. “Let Michelle go.”

1. Thank God Eirwen dropped the idiot ball.
2. Even though he shouldn’t have held it in the first place.
3. And show don’t tell.

“Why don’t you make me, Champion,” Jim sneered, his lip curling in disdain.

When a person sneers, they are expressing contempt or disdain towards something.

So…

“W-What?” Eirwen stammered in surprise.

First of all, redundant dialogue tag.

And secondly…

“You heard me,” Jim drawled, a glint in his gray eyes. “Make me. Fight me with that sword you’re still holding in your hand. I should have been the one to fight you today - not Tom. I would have beaten you and become champion. I’m the real champion of this competition!”

I’m sorry…

But I can’t take a villain seriously who gives a long monologue.

Eirwen shakes his head “in a helpless fashion.” He then said “No way, mate.”

Jim reached behind him and pulled out a rapier - a real one with a long, thin, sharp steel blade.

1. Well…
2. It would be an awkward situation if Jim was brandishing a toy sword.

Jim put the edge of the blade against Michelle’s throat.

Where are the security guards?

Is anyone calling the police?

How is everyone reacting to the situation? Especially Joan and Tom?

Why is upcoming fight scene so fucking stupid?

And

“I said…fight me. Or else little Michelle gets it.”

“Take me seriously, even though I’m spewing cliched dialogue.”

Eirwen’s amber eyes flashed with anger, and he raised his sword threateningly even though he knew a foil couldn’t really do much damage.

1. First of all…
2. Show don’t tell.
3. And it begs the question why Eirwen isn’t asking Tom to get security or to call the cops.

So Eirwen asks Jim to let his sister go.

And Jim is happier than a pig in shit because Eirwen is going to fight him.

When Eirwen saw a thin cut form on his sister’s neck he flew into action, lunging his sword forward.

Because when a hostage-taker has a blade pressed against the hostage’s throat…

The best thing to do is to charge the hostage-taker head on and unarmed.

There is a reason why there are hostage negotiation courses and people trained in said courses.

As for Eirwen? He has zero training.

And what’s stopping Jim from slitting Michelle’s throat?

He already gave Michelle a small cut…

Which means that Jim doesn’t have any qualms about hurting someone.

Jim moved his sword away from Michelle’s throat to parry the attack, and their blades clashed.

1. Because for plot reasons, Michelle can’t be hurt or killed by Jim.
2. If that happened…
3. Petra Pan won’t be thinking that Eirwen is the most heroic and selfless knight eva.
4. Because he is the Chosen One… *sigh*

Anywho, Michelle bites Jim’s forearm.

Jim cried out in pain.

“Ah! Why, you insolent little brat!”

…

“Insolent little brat”?

Anywho, Jim lets go of Michelle and she lands on her butt. Then Joan picks up her sister and runs away.

“Get back here, you little brats! You’ll pay for that!”

And I thought such fantastic dialogue could only be found in The Scorpion King 3.

Jim heads towards the girls but Eirwen blocks him. But Eirwen doesn’t just stop Jim, gentlepersons.

He “smoothly stepped into his path” and “with his fencing sword raised."

This is supposed to be an oh so subtle indication that Eirwen is awesome badass.

“I thought you wanted to fight me, Jim.”

Silly, Eirwen.

Character consistency is for squares.

A twisted smile spread across Jim’s face.

The two young men both got into fencing stances, and sized each other up for a moment.

After the measuring contest, Jim goads Eirwen. He then let out a shout and attacks Eirwen.

Eirwen easily blocked the reckless attack with his fencing sword. Jim attacked swiftly again and again, but Eirwen continued to deftly block all of Jim’s attacks.

We get it.

Eirwen is allegedly a badass swordsman. Stop reminding us every five seconds.

Jim was beginning to get pissed and frustrated.

Letting out a roar,

Because he is doing a lion impersonation.

he swung his rapier in a fierce sideways slash.

Forgive me for not quivering with fear.

So their swords clashed… And thank God, we don’t hear about sparks flying.

Anway, Eirwen’s sword breaks.

Eirwen leapt backwards instinctively, narrowly avoiding the tip of Jim’s sword from grazing against his chest.

I know that this book is hellbent on painting Eirwen as an epic badass…

But I’m not impressed.

Anyone with more brain cells than Bella Swan would dodge an attack.

No point had been earned yet though.

Because when a person is in a life or death situation…

It is important for that individual to be crowned the champion.

But then Eirwen realized with a sinking feeling in his chest that he should have just let Jim’s sword graze him and lose this impromptu match.

Besides being dead as a doornail…

Eirwen wouldn’t be an epic badass who is destined to become The Chosen One.

Bloody hell. Why am I even playing along with this lunatic? Who the hell cares who wins or loses at this point?

Because buddy boy, once rigor mortis sets in…

Jim can track down your sisters and brutally murder them.

Now Eirwen only had the pathetic stump of a fencing sword left to defend himself with while Jim had a real sword that was deadly sharp and dangerous

Well, trying to fight a psychopath instead of calling the police is fifty shades of stupid.

So…

There was this sinister leer on Jim’s face

*sigh*

If Jim was anymore cartoonishly evil, he would be kicking a puppy.

as he pointed the sword at Eirwen.

Eirwen didn’t fear death.

And I thought Rooster Teeth was the only one who had such an aversion towards show don’t tell.

In fact, he would welcome it, but…

If he did that, he can’t pork a buxom Peter Pan.

And sweet Jesus here comes even more stupidity…

“Jim, stop this now. You’re already going to be in so much trouble for this.”

That’s putting it mildly.

I don’t think the police consider kidnapping and attempted murder to bothersome.

Eirwen gave the young man a beseeching look.

It’s bad enough that Eirwen is the Chosen One AND an alleged badass swordsman…

But he is now Sir Galahad.

“Do you really want to throw your life away for this? For one silly match? It’s not worth it. I’m not worth it. As far as I’m concerned you’ve already won this match!”

…

………..

…………………………………………………..

Unfortunately for Eirwen, Jim is not moved by the speech.

Jim replies that he hasn’t won the match yet and “Not until I make you bleed!”

Shit.

An apt description for this book.

Eirwen realized he had no choice but to fight Jim seriously.

And Eirwen’s inner God stopped doing the safety dance.

So, the two guys charge each other and Eirwen’s cheek is sliced.

And because Eirwen is wearing Mithril plot armor, he disarms Jim. But he doesn’t just disarm someone.

No, no, no! Only a filthy peasant would do something so mundane as that.

Eirwen sends Jim’s sword flying up in the air. But wait! There is much, much more!

Eirwen spun and caught the sword by the hilt, and pointed the tip of the rapier to Jim’s throat.

Anywho…

Eirwen tells Jim to yield but Jim refused.

Jim reached into his hoodie and pulled out a handgun.

Remember when I promised to explain the significance of the London Open?

If so… *offers a platter of cupcakes *

1. Anywho… This whole situation is fifty shades of stupid.
2. The London Open is for national and international fencers.
3. Which means that there should be security guards.
4. And newfangled technology called metal detectors.
5. Because with lax security, you are asking for trouble.
6. But silly me, things like logic and common sense doesn’t exist in this book.

People immediately screamed at the sight of it and began to run for the exits in the hall.

1. Nobody was alarmed when a kid was held hostage by a psychopath.
2. Or when said psychopath demanded a duel with Eirwen.
3. They only freaked out when the psychopath brandished a gun.

Eirwen looks at the gun and sighs.

“You have got to be kidding me. Bad form, mate.”

I know this is supposed to another subtle sign that Eirwen is honorable and a knight in shining armor…

But this makes Eirwen look like a moron.

“Eirwen!” his sisters cried out simultaneously in their worry.

So Jim points the gun at Eirwen’s sisters.

Eirwen’s eyes flared in alarm.

Having a burst of fire shooting out of your eyes must hurt like a son of a bitch.

No!

Anyway, Eirwen jumps in front of Jim. He then tries to take the gun. But Jim pulls the trigger.

Eirwen looked down and noticed the bright red spot spreading on his shoulder, blooming like a red flower on his white fencing uniform.

Wow…

Just like Cassandra Clare, K. Kamen writes weird similes.

And like a honey badger, Eirwen doesn’t give a shit. Instead, he thinks: Heh, I’ve been shot.

Eiwen wondered dazedly why it didn’t hurt.

1. Maybe it is because Eirwen took some morphine.
2. Or…
3. It is because the author doesn’t realize that if someone was shot, they would be in pain.

Suddenly, Eirwen grins as he starts to lose consciousness.

Hopefully this has killed me. That’d be great.

1. You know what?
2. This is the first time that I agree with Eirwen.

Out of the corner of his eye, Eirwen caught sight of a flash of gold and green.

I’ll give you three guesses and the first two don’t count.

A green mist enveloped the handgun

nd it was wrenched out of Jim’s hand and sent flying,

It could be just me but…

I think the word "wrenched” should be replaced with yanked.

skidding across the gymnasium floor.

The gun flew out of Jim’s hand.

Unless Jim was on the floor, the gun would have flown through the air and hit a wall.

Jim loosed a cry of alarm and he too went flying,

First of all, show don’t tell.

Also, the word “loosed” made my head hurt.

It would be better if the sentence read: Jim screamed and he went flying.

but Eirwen hadn’t touched him.

Huh…? What’s going on?

Something supernatural, you twit.

“Eirwen! Eirwen!” His sisters were shouting his name, but they sounded so far away.

1. Um…
2. Why are his sisters the only ones concerned about Eirwen?
3. Wouldn’t Tom be upset?
4. And where is he?

This was the last thing Eirwen remembered before he lost consciousness.

And unfortunately for the reader, the story continues.