MARRIAGE CONFERENCES
According to Canon 1033 (new code 1063.no.2)
Used for many a successful marriage, in fact NOT ONE has been known to divorce after receiving these instructions! (1992 - 2015)
CONFERENCE THE FIRST-THE SACRAMENT
I. Nature:
A. Definition (classical definition from the old Roman law). The marital union of man and woman contracted between two qualified persons which obliges them to live together throughout life.
1. This kind of marriage between Christians causes grace.
2. The nature of the contract:
a. The contract must be mutual; that is, it must be made by each of the contracting parties.
b. It regards the exclusive and perpetual right over the body of the other for actions ordered to generation.
c. It is a sacred contract which comes from God-"they shall be two in one flesh" (Gen. 2:24); "crescite et multiplicamini."
B. The Two Ends of Marriage:
I. The education of children.
N.B. Any marriage which positively excludes children from the beginning is null and void.
2. The mutual help of the spouses.
N.B. More on these two points in the third conference.
C. The Ministers of the Sacrament:
1. The ministers of the sacrament are the contractants themselves. The priest is the official witness of the Church and the conditio sine Qua non (except in certain circumstances).
2. The matter of the sacrament is the offering of the marital rights, the form is the acceptance thereof.
D. The Fruitfulness of Matrimony:
1. To receive the sacrament of Matrimony worthily one must be in the state of grace.
2. In receiving this sacrament fruitfully one receives sanctifying grace and the sacramental grace of marriage which is a special strength to help with the ends of marriage:
a. Children;
b. Conjugal fidelity;
c. Chastity;
d. Indissolubility.
I I. The Properties of Matrimony:
A. The Unity of Marriage --The matrimonial bond is exclusive, and hence opposed to the following:
I. Simultaneous polyandry--i.e. one woman having more than one husband. Historically this is very rare.
a. Polyandry of this nature is contrary to Scripture and the Natural Law, for the primary purpose of marriage is generation, and simultaneous polyandry is not more conducive to generation.
b. For a woman to live habitually with more than one man leads to sterility, as is shown in the case of many women of ill repute.
c. If a woman living in this state does conceive, the paternity is doubtful.
2. Simultaneous polygamy--i.e. one man having more than one wife.
Historically this is not rare.
a. Simultaneous polygamy is against the original institution of marriage in the Garden of Eden, but was permitted to the Patriarchs. Cf. "A man shall cleave to his wife." "They shall be two in one flesh."
b. This lifestyle was able to have been permitted because it is not opposed to the primary end of matrimony--generation.
c. From the time of the New Law simultaneous polygamy is not lawful.
B. The Indissolubility of Marriage--opposed to divorce which is of two kinds:
1. Perfect divorce-Separation with the right to "re"-marry.
a. Divorce fights against the two ends of marriage; to wit, the procreation and education of children, and fidelity.
b. No human authority can dissolve the marriage bond.
2. Imperfect divorce--The obligation of cohabitation includes common roof and common bed. (N.B. Common bed is not necessarily to be taken literally. It refers to marital relations). This is an obligation in justice arising from the marriage contract.
The wife is bound to follow the husband who reasonably changes domicile, unless grave harm would arise for the wife or children.
Imperfect divorce is allowed for grave reasons:
a. Carnal or spiritual adultery;
b. Criminal or ignominious life;
c. Grave danger to body or soul of spouse or children;
d. Mutual consent:
1) Temporary separation quoad habitationem can be done for a proportionate reason; e.g. business.
2) Perpetual or temporary separation quoad torum can be done for a good reason. The spouses must freely agree and be able to do it.
III. The Goods of Matrimony:
A. Bonum Prolis-The Good of Children:
1. Marriage would be null, if the generation of children were excluded from the beginning.
2. The care of children:
a. With regard to the body--parents must avoid anything that could harm the child. E.g. Be careful of sleeping with the child due to the possibility of overlaying the child and thereby suffocating him.
b. With regard to the soul--the child should be baptized as soon as possible; i.e. not more than a month after birth.
N.B. At this point the priest should make sure the couple knows how to baptize.]
B. Bonum Fidei--The Good of Marital Fidelity:
1. This good of matrimony includes marital fidelity and conjugal charity for the perfecting of each other.
2. The right of a husband to marital relations with his wife, and vice versa is inalienable, and therefore, the one spouse cannot give rights to the other to indulge in marital relations with a third party.
C. Bonum Sacramenti -The Good of the Sacrament:
1. This is the sacred symbolism of the indissoluble bond symbolizing the unity of Christ and the Church. The married couple should strive to imitate this bond.
2. The office of the husband is to remember that his wife is a companion St. Augustine said that the woman was not taken from Adam's skull, in order to show that she is not the head of the man; she was not taken from his heel, in order to show that she is not his foot stool; she was rather taken from his rib, his side, in order to show that she is his companion.
3. The office of the wife is submission. This is a role; it does not imply inferiority,
Just as a body must have a heart submissive to a brain, both are essential organ with radically different roles, needed for the common good.
CONFERENCE THE SECOND-ON THE USE OF MARRIAGE
I. The Lawfulness of the use of Marriage:
A. Marital intercourse is lawful within marriage for the procreation of children or for other honourable reasons. Such reasons are as follows:
1. Promotion of mutual love and harmony;
2. Avoidance of incontinence in oneself or consort;
3. Restoration of peace, etc.
N.B. Marital relations remain lawful even if it is certain that no offspring is possible (e.g. as in the case of aged or sterile people). The reason is that in such cases, even though offspring cannot be had due to some indisposition on the part of either party, the act of marriage itself is none-the-less normal to the human eye.
B. Marital Intercourse Is Unlawful:
1. If it impedes procreation. Hence, no attitude or position which does not prevent conception is gravely sinful. If generation is thereby made more difficult, such a position would be a venial sin, if there \{ere no sufficient reason to justify it.
2. If it were injurious to health:
a. Marital intercourse is seriously sinful if it constitutes a proximate danger of death.
b. A grave reason is required to make it lawful when it results in great harm or remote danger of death. Eg. Such a reason would be the preservation of marital fidelity on the part of the one spouse during the prolonged illness of the other, or the preservation of domestic peace. In such circumstances there is no obligation to render the marriage debt even though the other party may request it.
c. Marital intercourse is generally considered sinful within the last month or so of pregnancy due to the danger which may be present to the fetus. A physician may be consulted on this point.
d. Intercourse is generally forbidden under grave sin within two weeks after childbirth, and under venial sin for the following few weeks.
e. It is lawful, however, while the mother is nursing, and during pregnancy unless there is danger of an abortion.
3. If it is spiritually harmful:
a. Marital intercourse is gravely sinful in the presence of others, due to the occasion of sin it presents to them. NB: Beware that your living arrangements are adequate in this regard: thick walls or totally separate bedroom areas for parents and children; locks on parents’ bedroom door, care with noises made when others are around.
b. If someone unexpectedly appears, intercourse should be interrupted, even though pollution would certainly follow. One may not consent to the pollution should it happen to follow.
C. Sacred Times:
I. Marital relations are lawful at any time, although during seasons of penance temperance is advisable.
2. It is also lawful the night before going to Holy Communion.
It is laudable for those who communicate rarely to abstain the night before', when requested by the other party, however, it is a duty to render the marriage debt.
3. Wives must be careful about rendering this debt grudgingly.
II. Imperfect Acts that are sexually stimulating are lawful or forbidden according to the following rules:
A. They are always lawful in connection with the marriage act, whether as preparatory thereto or as a completion thereof.
This pertains to looks, kisses, and touches.
Wives who do not procure complete satisfaction may procure it by touches performed by herself or by her husband immediately before or immediately after coition. This may be done only in immediate conjunction with marital relations.
3. The same may not be said of the husband should the wife withdraw, as the seed would then be wasted. (cf; Onan in Genesis 38:10 “God slew him because he did a detestable thing”)
B. Regarding actions committed apart from the marriage act:
1. Mutual acts that are sexually stimulating are lawful when done with a just cause (e.g., as a sign of affection) if there is no danger of pollution.
2. Solitary acts which are sexually exciting are mortal sins, if by their nature they greatly influence pollution or if done with the intention of procuring pollution.
3. Morose delectation (excluding danger of pollution) is either no sin, a venial sin, or a mortal sin for married people according as that in which they take pleasure is lawful or prohibited to them under venial or mortal sin.
III. The Obligation of the Marriage Act:
A. Rendering the marriage debt is of grave obligation, especially if the petitioner is in danger of incontinence or would have to make great sacrifices to overcome temptation.
1. The husband usually petitions directly, whereas the wife often does so implicitly, by signs of affection.
2. Refusal could be a venial sin (provided there is no danger of incontinence), if the petitioner will readily renounce his right, if rendering it is only briefly postponed, or if use is frequent and refusal rare, e.g., once a month.
B. Excuses from rendering the marriage debt are as follows:
I. Adultery on the part of one's consort. The adultery must be certain and committed with knowledge and consent. Thus no excuse arises if one's partner has been raped; or if the crime has been pardoned, e.g., by voluntarily rendering the debt in spite of knowledge of the adultery.
2. Non-support of wife and children. If the husband squanders his income and compels his wife to provide for their livelihood, she need not render the marriage debt. If, however, the family must live in poverty through no fault of the husband, there is no reason for refusing the debt.
3. Lack of use of reason on the part of the petitioner, e.g., the insane or completely intoxicated.
4. Unreasonable demand. This is principally the case when one requires the use of marriage so frequently that the constitution of the other suffers greatly.
5. Great danger to health or life. E.g., gravely infectious diseases, very weak heart, etc. Ordinary hardships of pregnancy are not a sufficient cause. Nor is the fear of miscarriage or stillbirth which the wife knows from experience will occur after pregnancy.
IV. Sins of Married People:
A. Any action wherein seminal fluid is purposely wasted is gravely sinful.
B. Contraception can be practiced in various ways:
1. Naturally--after intercourse is begun the husband withdraws and thus wastes the seed. Husband and wife commit a grave sin in consenting to onanism.
2. Artificially:
a. Mechanically--by use of a device to prevent insemination.
b. Chemically--by use of drugs to hinder semination or abort the fetus once conceived.
c. The woman sins gravely in expelling seminal fluid or preventing it to enter the uterus.
d. The above constitute mortal sins.
3. Rhythm can be allowed under the conditions given by Pope Pius XII, which are three in number:
a. Both parties must be willing to practice the temporary abstinence required.
b. Both parties must be able to do it.
c. There must be a sufficient reason: (gravity of reasons must be relative to the number of children already had, and the length of time on periodic abstinence.)
I) Social reason. E.g. need for mother to work, poor housing, to prevent sins of onanism…
2) Health reason. E.g.; serious weakness, danger of death…
3) Economic reason. E.g.; great poverty….
4) Eugenic reason, e.g., to avoid miscarriages, mental retardation, and the like, esp. for over 40’s
“It is common teaching that this practice of family limitation without sufficient and good reason involves a degree of moral fault. This fault certainly could be mortal sin if serious injustice were done, or there exists grave danger of incontinence, divorce, serious family discord, etc.” Nicholas Halligan O.P. 1962 THE ADMINISTRATION OF THE SACRAMENTS (strongly recommended book for all priests)
CONFERENCE THE THIRD-
ON THE MORAL DUTIES OF THE SPOUSES
I. Mutual Duties of the Spouses:
A. Mutual Love:
1. The spouses must endeavour to maintain for each other the most ardent and sincere love. This love must be a true love as the love of Christ for His Church.
2. Marriage is full of trials. Things will not always be easy.
Each spouse must strive, in a spirit of true love, to consider the needs of the other spouse. Each spouse must give one hundred percent. In marriage fifty percent from one spouse and fifty percent from the other does not equal one hundred percent; it equals divorce. If, however, each spouse gives his all, the marriage will be happy--not without difficulties--but happy. All of the difficulties of married life can be overcome with God's grace. The spouses will receive special graces to overcome problems in view of the sacramental grace of Matrimony.
3. Spouses can do a lot to preserve their love for one another by continuing to do the things they enjoy doing together after they are married. So many couples do things together before marriage and then cease to do these things after marriage. This is a sad thing. The spouses must not allow the routine of married life to destroy the fostering of mutual affection.
4. Be honest with your spouse but do not reveal details of any past relationship. This policy will go along way in the prevention of bitterness and resentment which can build up. Bear in mind the story of a particular newlywed couple and the loaf of bread. The husband preferred the soft part of the bread, and so he always left this to his wife. Now, his wife preferred the crust of the bread, and so she always left this part to her husband, claiming to prefer the soft part.
Twenty years later, in the course of conversation, each discovered the other's real preference. So we see that in being honest with each other, they would have been far better able to consider and look after the interests of the other. Always strive to have honesty in your marriage.
B. The spouses must help each other to preserve chastity. This is one of the main reasons for the gravity of the obligation of both spouses to render the marriage debt upon request.
C. The spouses must assist each other in their sanctification.
D. Regarding the Children:
1. Each spouse must be concerned with the procreation of children. This will naturally imply certain inconveniences to the spouses, but procreation is the first end of marriage.
2. As noted in the first conference, the spouses are gravely bound to provide baptism for their children as soon as possible; i.e. not to be delayed longer than a month after birth
3. The Education of Children:
a. It is not sufficient to simply have children and baptize them.
Parents are the primary educators of their children, and as such must look after their education. It is not adequate to wait until it is too late and then blame the public education system. People are very well aware of the many dangers that often arise from public education, and must therefore take the necessary precautions to protect their children.
b. The education of children must start at an early age. "He that loveth his son correcteth him betimes (i.e. from an early age)." (Prov. 13:24). That which enters with the mother's milk leaves only with death. It is related in the life of the Cure of Ars that when .he was a baby his mother used to always take his little hand in hers and make the Sign of the Cross before feeding him. One day she was in a hurry and forgot to carry out the little ritual. Her son refused to eat. She remembered her neglect, and made the Sign of the Cross with his hand. He then ate peacefully.
c. Parents must instruct their children in the Faith. This is not simply the mother's duty. The father must also take an active interest in his children's education. The place to begin educating the young ones is with good example. Children learn from imitating others, and so the example of the parents is of paramount importance.
d. Parents must correct their children when they see them doing wrong. The modern mentality that children ought not to be disciplined is manifestly false. Sacred Scripture very clearly indicates the will of God in this matter:
I) "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, and the rod of correction shall drive it away." (Prov.22:15).
2) "A horse not broken becometh stubborn, and a child left to himself will become headstrong." (Ecclus.30:8).
3) Let parents not excuse the bad by calling it "cute". This is a cop-out used by many modern day parents, but it does responsibilities. Remember that a cute child is a well-behaved child, and--as one children can even wear down the patience of a loving grandmother.
e. As children learn from watching others, parents must strive to eliminate any bad influences from the home.
I) Bad companions have caused the downfall of many a youth. St. John Bosco was very strong on this point. Let parents be equally strong in keeping their children from bad company.
2) Television is a foul seduction which frequently finds its way into our homes. ~1any parents feel they are doing well in not allowing their children to watch television, but if they allow\y them to watch videos indiscriminately, they are wasting their time. For, as bad as television is, worse things can be seen on video.
3) Rock music is a very powerful means used in the corruption of youth. Parents must use every effort to exclude this bad influence from the home.
4) Catholic Schooling is critical. Home-schooling is a lesser option even when it can be done with adequate academic success. Older children must be given kindly and sufficient sex instruction as soon as they begin to explore or question this area of life.
N.B. At this point the priest may wish to recommend to the couple the Handbook for Parents of the Rev. Fr. Paul Wickens. And his newer (TAN) book on Marriage.
II. The Duties of the Husband:
A. The husband must treat his wife with the utmost respect and consideration. He must show his wife that he loves her. He must not raise his hand against her, for such would be a tremendous diminution of his manhood and dignity. He must show his love and control his anger, trying not to raise his voice.
B. He must direct and govern his family with love. The man is the head of the family as Christ is the head of the Church.
C. He must work, in order to provide for his family and give them substance on which to live.
III. The Duties of the Wife:
A. The wife must obey her husband--not as a slave, but as a queen following the continuity of the king.
B. The woman must-in as much as it is possible-be in the home to care for it and for the children who shall be her salvation.
C. Let the wife support her husband, and let both spouses refrain from all criticism of each other in the presence of the children.