Jean Moran

The Spouses Club

An interview by Penelope Oddfellow

Jeanne Moran

Issue 58, Autumn 2019

In this issue of Creatures Quarterly, we share highlights of an interview with two remarkable people: Aspen Hill, a former trail guide turned entrepreneur who is married to Sasquatch, or Sassi as she calls him; and Tom Floss, owner of a landscaping business who has developed an ingenious product based on the work of his celebrity wife, Celestial Moonglitter, better known as The Tooth Fairy.

Our own Penelope Oddfellow caught up with them after the monthly meeting of The Spouses Club at Wonderland Restaurant in New York City.

Penelope Oddfellow: Thank you both for agreeing to speak with me. First, tell me a little about The Spouses Club. Your members are all human, is that right?

Tom Floss: Yes, we’re human spouses of magical or legendary creatures. The Club’s been around for thirty-odd years. Currently, I’m Vice-President and Lena of Loch Ness, Nessie’s wife, is President. I know you hoped to speak with her too, but the tide was going out and her hubby was waiting to take her home. It’s a long trip for them.

The Spouses Club doesn’t have a stated mission or a formal charter. But I can tell you – we need this connection with one another.

Oddfellow: So you meet here every month to talk?

Tom: [nods] And clear our heads. Our marriages are not like other marriages. First of all, [lifts one finger] we’re married to celebrities, so there’s the whole fame thing going on. And second, [lifts another finger] we’re not married to a PERSON. Having a non-human spouse presents all sorts of, umm…

Aspen Hill: The challenges are quite unique.

Oddfellow: We’ll get to the challenges in a minute. Let’s start with you, Aspen. How did you meet Sassi?

Aspen: I worked as a trail guide up in Oregon at the time. I had a young couple with me, first-time hikers, and a heavy thunderstorm rolled in. We took shelter in a shallow cave. It smelled dank and musky and the couple didn’t want to go in, but what with the rain and lightning, I told them we didn’t have much choice.

On little rocky outcroppings inside the cave were these neat piles of fresh berries and nuts. The young woman pointed to a large divot in the earth floor where someone or something had obviously slept. Her boyfriend screamed, “Bears!” and they both ran out of the cave and down the trail in the pouring rain. [scoffs] Rookies. I had to notify the ranger when I got back in cell range.

I stayed put until the storm broke, so I was alone in the cave when Sassi walked in.

Tom: I met Celestial the day an employee buzzed my office about a customer looking for a very unusual plant – a tree that grew money. Actual money! I figured it was some kind of joke, so I laughed and buzzed off, then turned back to my work. And just like that, [snaps his fingers] this tiny woman dressed in a million shades of blue was in front of my desk. She sort of shimmered. She said, “You’ll help me, won’t you, Tom?” I babbled something like, “How did you get in here?” but I couldn’t take my eyes off her.

Oddfellow: Was it love at first sight?

Tom: I wouldn’t say love, but I was enchanted. And curious. Seems she’d been watching me for some time. She was convinced I’d come up with some way to support her line of work, so she kept popping in when I least expected it. [shakes his head and smiles] Soon I found myself hoping she’d pop in. Wasn’t long before she was all I could think about. Seriously—who wouldn’t want a beautiful, generous, magical woman in their life?

Aspen: [smiling at Tom] My first reaction was nothing like yours. I was terrified. Here was the huge, hairy creature. Plus, he smelled really bad. He seemed to understand that I was scared, because he stood there on the threshold of his cave, staring at me for like a full minute. Then he grunted and offered me a handful of nuts and berries. He started a small fire and gestured to a log. Before I sat, I moved the log near the cave opening for two reasons. One, I wanted to keep an escape route open, and two, the stench! Wet dog, times one thousand.

So I sat there on that log with a hand over my nose, and did what I always do—I talked. As I did, I began to relax. Inside an hour, Sassi knew everything about me and I started asking him questions. He doesn’t use words, but I could interpret his gestures and grunts just fine. I learned that he lived alone way up in the woods so he wouldn’t scare people. That hermit’s life was for the sake of others. [shakes her head and smiles] I began to see him for the sweet, gentle creature he is.

Once the weather cleared, he walked me back to the hiking trail and showed me which way the young couple had gone. Such a gentleman. I asked if I could see him again or if that was against some kind of Big Foot Code of Conduct. He laughed this big rumbly laugh, gestured toward his cave, and nodded.

I went back the next day with shampoo, detangler, and a half-dozen combs. The day after that I went back with some essential oils to freshen up the cave. The rest is history.

Oddfellow: What did your family and friends say?

Aspen: There was no way to break it to them gently. I mean, how do you tell them you’re in love with this huge and hairy creature who lives in a cave and grunts a lot? But after a few minutes with Sassi, folks realize he’s super shy and harmless as a butterfly. [laughs] A big, furry, stinky butterfly.

A couple of my buddies said that since Celestial’s work would leave me alone every night, I could still join them at the pub after work. She must have overheard.

Oddfellow: Why do you say that?

Tom: Because when I brought it up a few days later, they didn’t remember the conversation. Not at all. I suspect fairy dust.

Oddfellow: It sounds like those close to you have accepted your unusual relationship.

Aspen: Well, sort of. Sassi’s a loner so large gatherings are awkward. Plus, not everyone can hold up both ends of the conversation like I can. [laughs] I will say this though—everyone agrees it’s easier to have him around now that his fur’s been tamed and he smells better.

Tom: Celestial’s work demands that she pop in and out often. She tries not to make it obvious, but people are put off when she disappears in the middle of dinner and reappears a minute later. Especially if she’s still tucking a tooth into the sack at her belt.

Oddfellow: That brings us to challenges. Both of you have taken your spouse’s unique challenges and turned them into a business. Tell me about that.

Tom: Celestial’s in an expensive line of work. Handing out quarters and dollars doesn’t sound like much, but it really adds up. When we met, she was in desperate need of a steady funding stream. Then there was the problem of all those teeth. She had an entire shed filled with jars and jars of them. What do you do with them all?

We tried to solve both problems at once. Using my experience with trees and her magic, we worked on developing a variety of tree that would grow actual money. I’d show her a promising sapling. She’d sprinkle it with fairy dust and spells and bury those tiny teeth around it. Two years later with no money tree, we were frustrated and out of ideas.

That’s when it hit me. What if we took those teeth and turned them into a saleable product?

Oddfellow: That sounds rather gruesome.

Tom: Actually, it’s not gruesome at all. Celestial spreads out her night’s collection on a large tray and sprinkles it with fairy dust. In moments, what’s left is sparkling white enamel, perfect as the finish to outdoor statuary and birdbaths. The result is that TomCel Industries has become known worldwide for garden statuary with a distinctive pearly white finish.

Sales of TomCel products fund Celestial’s work. So in a way, the teeth she collects are recycled and support the next generation of gap-toothed kids. Her work supports TomCel, and TomCel supports her.

Oddfellow: What about you, Aspen? I understand you’re an entrepreneur, too.

Aspen: [nods] As I said before, when I met Sassi, his fur was a mess. All matted, tangled, and full of burrs and twigs. I sent him to a nearby stream with about $100 worth of shampoo and told him not to come back until he’d washed every bit of his furry self. He sat in the sun while his fur dried, and I stood behind him spritzing bottle after bottle of detangler and combing out debris. Took hours. When it was done, he looked awesome. Even stood taller and bellowed this happy, musical note, so I knew he felt better, too.

Two days later, we were back to square one. Burrs, tangles, clumps of matted fur, the whole bit. We repeated the shampoo-detangler process, but I knew, we both knew, we needed a long-term solution. We wanted to spend time together, and I couldn’t snuggle up against him with all those pickers and that filthy fur.

A few years of research and development led to the creation of the Silken Yeti line of haircare products. The entire line—shampoo, detangler, conditioner, anti-frizz balm, smoothing gel, and finishing oil—is totally natural, vegan, and infused with the freshness of lavender and mint.

Oddfellow: Are the products just for use with thick or problem hair?

Aspen: Since Sassi was my test subject, they were developed for problem hair, yes. But customers with all hair types tell us how much they love the products. Since Sassi started using Silken Yeti, his fur has grown so soft and manageable that burrs slide out without tangling. And my own hair, [shakes her shoulder-length auburn tresses into the light to show off their shine] well, it’s never been better.

Oddfellow: I’m sure our readers are curious about the, umm, more intimate aspects of your human-creature relationship. Using just two words, can you sum up your most private moments as a couple?

Tom: [grinning] She’s magical.

Aspen: [laughing] He’s big.