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The Power of Showing Up
The Power of Showing Up
How Teacher and Parental Presence Shape Who Our Children Become and How Their Brains Get Wired
Dan Siegel talks in this book about how important it is to be "there" for your kids, that showing up when they are growing up is more important than whether or not you are the perfect parent. This book delves into the importance of attachment, and that trauma can be healed. He outlines what's needed to secure healthy attachment:
Safety
From harm
The caregiver won’t cause me to feel terror
Seen
Knowing the mental state of the person causes one to connect with that person. Here are the aspects of improving the chances that you're child is "being seen" by you:
Eye contact
Facial expression
Tone of voice
Posture
Timing
Gesture
Intensity
Empathy is essential to love and love is critical
Soothed
The attachment figure helps the child feel better
Security is the feeling of trust, belonging. A child can't feel secure until they are "safe, seen and soothed".
Sense making
The 5th ‘S’ - When you have the first 4, you can develop epistemic trust, and the childs' brain can start to make sense of the world around them.
5th “S” - sense-making - when you have adults around you are telling you things that are not true, it violates epistemic trust (your sense of reality); this leads to massive anxiety and a lack of belonging.
What strategies are you using to make your child(ren) feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure?
The video below is long, but well worth the watch...
Understanding the Adolescent Brain
Understanding the Adolescent Brain
Watch this video with your child.
What assumptions about adolescents (the people, not the stage) were challenged in this video?
What does the shift from raging hormones to brain re-modeling do to your thinking about adolescence, and adolescents?
Exciting news for growth and healing: What you do with your mind can change the structure of your brain.
Why do Teens Seek Novelty or Danger?
Why do Teens Seek Novelty or Danger?
Daniel Siegel talks about the "ESSENCE" of adolescence to illustrate the purpose of adolescence (to grow up and move out of the family home - what he calls "the oatmeal house").
ES - emotional spark
SE - social engagement
N - novelty-seeking
CE - creative exploration
ES – emotional spark
Brain starts “pruning” – carving itself down - pruning allows you to do stuff (get rid of things you don’t use) – USE IT/ LOSE IT
Where attention goes – neural firing flows – neural connection grows
SLEEP IS THE MOST IMPORTANT – when kids are sleep deprived so too is their pruning process, and their brain cant focus.
SE – social engagement
Connections we have with parents in childhood start changing to the connections of our peers – kids need to “get out of the oatmeal house”
Sometimes Adolescents do things to gain social “membership” for survival
Your “status” as a member of a group is more important than anything.
study showed that social rejection in the brain registers in the same place as physical pain (this causes FOBI- fear of being inadequate)
N – novelty seeking (to get out of the oatmeal house)
The only thing more dangerous than the dangerous things adolescents do – is not doing them.
This is how you learn to bring yourself to the edge of danger and survive
Hyper-rational thinking - mathematical – decreased concern about negative outcomes
the adolescence child knows its risky but will do activity bases on the "most likely" outcome
a 70% positive outcome is greater than 30% negative outcome - so in the mind of an adolescent the risky behaviour is "most likely" going to turn positive. This rationalization gives them lots of courage.
CE – creative exploration
Adolescent mind is ready to think outside the box
When you teach the new 3 Rs- kids thrive - (reflection, resilience and relationships)
We also need to cultivate the “MWE” – the relational aspect of it
Integrate the “me” and the “we” so our kids can understand how they are all connected.
Questions to consider?
How does understanding the "why" of adolescents risky behaviour change the way we approach parenting them through it?
Other recommended Books by Daniel Siegel
Other recommended Books by Daniel Siegel
"Brainstorm is a must read book for every parent if they want to avoid emotional turbulence in their own lives as their children go through adolescence. It's lifesaving for the whole family."
—Deepak Chopra, MD
The Whole-Brian Child
The Whole-Brian Child
The Whole-Brain Child is chock-full of strategies for raising happy, resilient children. It offers powerful tools for helping children develop the emotional intelligence they will need to be successful in the world. Parents will learn ways to feel more connected to their children and more satisfied in their role as a parent. Most of all, The Whole-Brain Child helps parents teach kids about how their brain actually works, giving even very young children the self-understanding that can lead them to make good choices and, ultimately, to lead meaningful and joyful lives.”—Christine Carter, Ph.D., author of Raising Happiness
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