Developmentally Friendly Discipline for the Immature

Impose order rather than trying to teach behavior.

Use structure and routine to orchestrate behavior.

Be proactive to prevent problems.

Be minimally reactive-just enough intervention to address the situation.

Avoid talking too much about behavior.

Assume responsibility for the child who often gets into trouble and ask yourself:

• When does this child have a difficult time?

• Where does this child have a difficult time?

• With whom does this child have a difficult time?

When a child frequently gets into trouble, adults need to find ways to keep the child out of trouble:

• Guide them to a different activity.

• Provide extra supervision.

• When misbehavior occurs, consider it a non-intentional “accident.”

Assume responsibility for maintaining a caring relationship.

When things are not going well and emotions are high, treat the incident as an accident by helping them rather than correcting them. When we take care of the upset child, we show others that we respect emotions, which further supports a culture of emotional safety in the classroom.

When adults respond to problematic behavior by imposing consequences for the child’s “poor choices,” they assume the child can choose to behave otherwise. However, this requires executive function capacity, and many vulnerable children, teens, and even young adults need years of experience to develop it.

Social-emotional development can be grown and cultivated. Children must first experience it through caring, attuned relationships with adults. If a vulnerable child hasn’t experienced the warmth of co-regulation, our efforts to teach them self-regulation will inevitably fall short.

Social Developmental Practices

·        Provide the right social and environmental conditions to help children succeed more in their social interactions and stay out of trouble (intentional setup of the physical space, strong adult presence, consistent and predictable structures and routines, adequate supervision, accompaniment during transitions, outdoor opportunities to switch gears, etc.).

·        Familiarize them with social concepts through play (being in line, listening to instructions, taking turns).

·        Use playful ways to introduce, model, and prompt adults' expectations through cues, stories, chants, role-playing, games, etc.

·        Use games and activities to practice a range of social situations by using: LEGO, puppets, masks, role-playing, adults modeling social expectations, and narrating positive examples.

The developmental approach is distinct from all socialization approaches that have societal fit as the highest priority and thus the primary responsibility of parents and teachers. To the societal approach, life is a skill to be learned, including conduct, self-control, caring, boundaries, problem-solving, resilience, empathy, courage, patience, autonomy, and so on.

The developmental approach is also distinct from the medical-disorder approach, which treats “normal” as the gold standard against which everyone is compared.

How to Handle Conflict Between Children?

Assume the lead in guiding interactions

·        Do not expect young children to be able to sort out challenging conflicts

·        Listen to each child, then decide what is best to do next.

·        As an adult, indicate that you are in charge and that you will decide how to find a way through the difficult situation (e.g., whose turn is to play with the toy)

Do not try to figure out “who did what to whom” and who was in the “right”

The immature will insist on their perspective, as they lack the prefrontal cortex development that allows them to see the situation from the other person’s perspective.

 Come alongside each child’s experience

Try to reflect back the EMOTIONAL experience.

“That really wasn’t working for you, not what you had in mind.” (Frustration)

“That was scary-you were worried.” (Alarm)

“You really wanted him to play with you.” (Pursuit)

“That was upsetting-you felt hurt and sad.” (Sadness)

Play

Why is play important?

It plays an essential role in children's healthy development. It provides the context for brain growth, especially in the early years, when the brain's hemispheres develop rapidly. The right hemisphere, in particular, requires experiences, not information, to grow, so play is what children need most to develop and be ready for what we later call “higher learning”. 

·        Helps children make sense of their world

·        Builds the brain through experiences, not lessons

·        Allows children to work through their emotions

·        When children play, they stay selectively focused on the situation at present, tune out distractions, and hold the information in their heads.

·        It allows children to develop the capacity to reflect, look, listen, and feel before acting on primary emotional urges.

·        Play is the best way to learn. Play contributes to enjoyment and involvement in learning.

·        When children play, all their senses are awakened, and their minds develop in extraordinary ways.

In summary, it is play, not stimulation or instruction, that makes a positive difference in brain development. Play builds the brain that can be used to receive instruction or solve problems. The most impressive brain growth occurs when play takes place within a warm human connection.

What’s behind the behavior? There’s always something.

                                                                         Seek to understand before trying to fix the problem.

Sometimes, it takes a while to determine the right conditions for each child, so the change we hope to see comes from within as a lasting internal change. Even shifting our mindset to approach the problem this way can feel counterintuitive in a culture where the prevailing paradigm focuses on fixing surface-level behavior rather than understanding what drives it. 

 In the developmental approach, behavior is seen as a clue to what might be going on internally for the child. If a child hits someone, isn’t listening to us, or is screaming at the top of their lungs, the developmental approach recognizes that the behavior is connected to something. It’s there for a reason. 

This doesn’t mean we let chaos reign. Of course, we have to address disruptive and destructive behaviors in the moment – but our response should be informed by what the behavior tells us. Therefore, by seeking to understand the underlying emotions and/or environmental conditions that lead to challenging behaviors, we can create real change. This approach may take more time, but it addresses the roots of the problem and, in this way, leads to long-lasting change, rather than just stopping the behavior for 10 minutes or while we are watching.

Instead of telling a child to “Stop it!” or “Calm down,” we need to ask ourselves, “What can we change right now so this child will feel calmer?” Also, when working with the class, “What does this group of kids need?”  

So, when we face challenging behaviors, we should start by asking ourselves simple questions that can help us discover what is needed:

• • Does this child feel safe with me?

• • Does this child need more connection time?  

• • Do they feel special and important to at least one caring adult in their lives? 

• • Do they have the space needed to express and digest big emotions? 

• • Is their day so tightly structured that there are no quiet, gentle moments for their feelings to surface? 

• • Do they need more opportunity for expression and release through play? 

• • Do they have a safe space to feel their very tender feelings? 

By doing so, we are essentially becoming gardeners who recognize that, just like plants, every human is born with potential and, given the right conditions, will thrive. 

As caretakers of children’s hearts, we need to hold on to this knowledge so we don’t give up on those who are slower to grow or who have experienced adverse conditions that have affected their development. Lasting change takes time.