By KarenElaine Rogers

When I educate younger children, parents often come to me feeling confused and upset. “We talk about kindness all the time—at home and school. Why is my child still being so mean?” Some even admit, “It feels terrible/embarrassing not to like how my child is acting.”

If this is you, you're not alone—and you're not a bad parent. It turns out we aren't bad teachers, either. There is more to it.

Using a Design Thinking approach, we start with empathy. Instead of asking, "How do I stop this behavior?" we ask, "What’s my child feeling or needing underneath this behavior?"

We know that most unkind behavior in younger children isn’t about being mean on purpose. It’s usually a coping mechanism—a way kids deal with big, uncomfortable emotions like anxiety, insecurity, or fear of being left out.

Real-life examples (names changed):

Sumi, age 6, makes fun of classmates when they mess up. What we see is teasing. What’s going on is that Sumi feels shame when things aren’t perfect, so she projects that feeling onto others.

Micah, age 6, excludes kids from games. What we see is controlling behavior. What’s really going on is that he’s scared of being left out, so he creates “teams” to make sure he’s never the odd one out.

Tressa, age 5, always wants to be the boss in play. She threatens to quit or tell the teacher if things don't go her way. What we see is bossiness. What’s going on is that Tressa is highly sensitive and overwhelmed, and control helps her feel safe.

These behaviors are especially pervasive in highly sensitive kids. Their brains are always “on,” noticing and analyzing everything. When they feel out of control inside themselves, they often try to control what’s happening outside. I frequently find that we do the same thing as adults. 

Why “Just Be Kind” Doesn’t Work

There are two parts to this: First, kids over age 3 know what kindness is. But when they’re overwhelmed, their reactive brain takes over, and they can’t access what they know. Telling them to “be nice” misses the real issue—they need help managing the feelings underneath.

Next, research and experience show us that being told to "be kind" isn't the same thing as feeling kindness from someone. In fact, it is the moment of experiencing simple or extraordinary acts of kindness that we, both children and adults, more fully internalize how it feels to be treated that way and cause us to want to exhibit the same behavior toward others. In essence, we learn to be kind when someone is first kind to us.  

There Is So Much Hope!

We can build better strategies once we define and name the real challenge. Emotional overload, as opposed to having bad character, is a significant distinction that moves from shaming to supporting. We support kids by helping them feel safe, understand their emotions, and learn healthier coping methods. We also support kids when we model and point out truly rich kindness moments. The felt experience and understanding of the developmental level they are operating from is when genuine kindness and character can develop and flourish.  

It is also helpful to remember that being five or six is hard. Being in a highly social environment like school changes a child. They are not like they are at home, for better or worse. They are learning to negotiate, share, voice their ideas publicly, and feel big feelings in front of an audience. While these are hard skills to learn, it does help us empathize with our children as they are genuinely working hard! When we look at this through a Design Thinking lens, public school is a space where kids can observe, connect, and experiment with how to be part of a community. It’s where they begin to understand the people around them and learn how to be understood in return.

I experience school as a place to give kids a unique chance to learn and grow alongside classmates from all kinds of backgrounds. This type of diversity helps children build key life skills like empathy, cooperation, and how to talk and listen to others respectfully. It is hard work, and we should name it as such.  The key is having educators who understand child development to provide a place to practice, struggle, try again, ideate, and problem-solve.  Compliance without deeper work is not character. Neither is good character formed without trial and error and being given space to evolve.  

Here are some educational articles I find helpful to learn more about this topic:

When Kids Act Mean

When Little Kids Get Mean