With a peer support service like Dads in Distress, know you are not alone.

All of our team have been through it themselves, meaning they both understand what it's like and they know what it takes to get through this.

Give us a call (1300853437) or drop us a line by email (men@peersupport.men).

If you are a mum, grandparent or a dad outside of the S.W.Sydney & S.Highlands region of NSW, you can also call our helpline and see what other specialised support we offer you at our national website www.parentsbeyondbreakup.com. This website is dedicated to separated dads in the S.W.Sydney and S.Highlands regions.

Someone from Dads in Distress is never more than a few hours away.

Check the calendar on our home page to see when our support is next running.

When ever you call us, or connect into one of our support groups, it will be another separated dad like you.

We don't employ non-lived experience professionals.

Everything we do is 100% free, male friendly, confidential and non judgemental.

Arguing, particularly if it gets very heated, is a sign that the person feels they are not being heard - think about that.

A good idea is sometimes to just stop, do only (or all?) the listening and try hard to actually hear and understand what they are saying.

Just the act of doing this usually slows down or stops the argument turning it instead into a discussion even if, today, it's a bit one sided.

No one can stop you doing this and only you need do it - none of this strategy relies on anyone else to make it work.

Maybe try something along the lines of "We're both getting angry as we feel we're not being listened to so, I'll stop now and try hard to hear what you're saying and I won't interrupt or respond until after/later/tomorrow when things calm down" .

Its worth thinking through the logic of this approach; arguments never go on for ever - eventually they stop. They stop because both of you decide to stop. You can start that process immediately by being the mature one.

Hopefully, your example is reciprocated immediately but if not, it's only a matter of time. It's very hard to argue by yourself and it's the reason we have the saying that it takes two to argue. Now you know why.

When things are heated, the raised voices start and so does the body posturing.

This matters. Some specialists say that the majority of communication is conveyed through body language alone.

Whats normally non threatening or just you demonstrating frustration, might well look very different to the other person when things aren't going well.

If you are bigger, try to get down to the other persons level to not 'loom over them threateningly'. The other person may love that you are bigger when they want protection but, right now, you're arguing and that height and strength might well be having the opposite effect. If you're not on the receiving end, it can be hard to imagine or appreciate.

Same goes for unconscious displays such as arms or legs crossed (a psychological barrier), not looking even tempered but angry, pointing fingers, staring or avoiding eye conflict, turning your back on someone trying to speak to you etc.

No matter how you're feeling inside, if you wish to reduce conflict, look and act even tempered and in a manner that demonstrates that you are interested in and care for the other person regardless of the disagreement.

A calm voice is not threatening. Shouting and angry tone exacerbates conflict.

Lower the volume, listen more than you speak and try to avoid using the word 'you' - this last one applies also if you're writing a message to the other person.

The word 'you' is the word version of finger pointing. Its usually used in an accusatory manner such as you said... you did... you are... etc. Simply avoiding the word 'you' when speaking and writing to the other person automatically forces you to think in the collective or third person.

Also, consider asking instead of telling. e.g. "Can we think about..." vs "You need to...".

These are all things that are hard to remember but over time, it becomes easier as it becomes your normal way of communicating.

Sometimes, the emotions are just too raw to do face to face talk that doesn't descend into arguing, shouting etc. Consider sticking to writing until things calm down.

A text message is short and less emotional but it needs to not be threatening, accusatory etc. Instead, think about acknowledging how the other person feels, confirming that you care and that you'd like to discuss it further when things calm down.

Generally, keep it short, do not be sucked into an ongoing text argument and try and be positive but, if you can't manage that, at least make it neutral and not about blaming the other person (if if it is their fault).

You may have fallen out of love or, you haven't but it just feels that way to the other person.

The holidays usually compound such misunderstanding because of so much to organise, do and so many people to interact with. its stressful for the most friendly of us. Sometimes, this is the one time in the year other than a family holiday at which time we're all in each others pockets. Things go wrong.

Be proactive and head off some of the stress by making a point of asking how you can best help the other person or simply make a point of saying thank you when they do something for you.

This is not rocket science but its amazing how often we hear people not feeling appreciated at our support groups and maybe they are but, they never hear it. Try giving it back if you want some in return. So simple, so easily forgotten.

This one somewhat relates to stopping the argument, above. It's about stopping, thinking and considering what the other person is saying and what they are upset about.

Put yourself in their shoes for a bit. When we are angry its hard to think about the other persons needs but being able to is a key skill that de-escalates a worsening situation.

Empathy is also about seeing what the other person is 'really' saying, not necessary the words they use. They may be angry about not feeling appreciated but are shouting about cleaning the place, helping with the kids, organising a trip etc. The issue here is the appreciation that they are looking for.

So, if you're not sure why they are angry or it seems illogical to you, stop and work it out or ask, in an amicable way and then listen intently for the answer.

Showing care by not arguing and by asking and making the effort to find out what it is thats upsetting someone is demonstrating genuine empathy.

You've separated and you either have or don't have an agreement or court order in place; regardless, your contact time is being taken away and, to you, it feels intentional. If it is intentional, chances are it's not about them doing the right thing by the kids but instead it's to wind you up.

And so, do you get wound up or, do you do something else? If you get wound-up, they are not only achieving their aim and hurting you but they are also likely harming the children. Play into their game and it's likely to continue.

Try the opposite and be calm and deal with it later, not in the moment.

Custodial parents that play the withholding children game do so at times like the holidays precisely because it's hard to get help and because it hurts more than usual. It hurts you and it hurts even worse if you know it's hurting the children.

However, children do two key things that it pays to remember; the first is that they grow up and they often remember and (after they choose to go where they want) they may well repay the favour to the perpetrating parent and, second, they are your children for your and their whole life.

What you're experiencing is now, its temporary and it hurts but it passes and what matters is long term.

One of our dads was reunited with his daughter after being kept apart for ten years; upon being asked how she felt about all those lost holidays, birthdays etc, she answered it doesn't matter as I have the next 20-30 with my dad. Think about that.

Intact families might spend the time together, friendly separated families might alternate from one year to the next but, those in the midst of an acrimonious split, and who cause a child to miss out time with their other parent, may well end up not getting any time once that child grows up. We see it often. Kids are not stupid. They see and eventually tend to understand what was done to them in an effort to hurt their other parent.

Surviving this time is about focussing on the long term. Minimising the problem short term is more about not allowing it to get the reaction out of you that its meant to.

Sometimes when the game doesn't work (i.e. get a rise out of you) it becomes boring and its easier to share care because the other parent also wants some time to themselves. How you respond now influences where this all ends up.

If you've flown anywhere you'll be familiar with this instruction but it can equally apply to separating families in conflict.

Imagine you are a child that loves and wishes to spend time with both parents but, one parent prevents the other from seeing the child.

That contact denial can be vindictive and designed to hurt you. Following on from the last item, not showing the impact can however remove the motive for the game but there's a further point here and thats all about what it does to you.

There are times when it's hard (or feels impossible) to get any contact and that it's all a futile task. That can have a disastrous impact on your mental wellbeing and even your physical health - ongoing and elevated stress levels are known to be severely harmful to your health.

If you truly cannot resolve the lack of contact with your children, now or in the short term, consider what it means to your child if they later (perhaps in their mid to late teens) do find you or have contact with you, and you are a broken version of your former self - the parent they are perhaps desperate to find and see is gone. How does that make them feel?

By allowing yourself to be destroyed, you potentially deny your children the parent they want and need. What this means is that, if you cannot resolve things with the other parent right now, a good strategy is sometimes to back off, be patient, look after yourself and come back to this later when you are able to deal with it.

Part of looking after you is actually about looking after the best long term interests of your children. You needn't feel guilty if that means taking time out ensuring that you stay healthy and sane before going back to the issue. Be there for your kids when they come looking.

It's been said that happiness is equal to reality minus expectation.

i.e. the equation goes happiness = reality - expectation.

Having too high or an unrealistic expectation of the other parent, the 'system' or even the kids when things go wrong, leads to a lot more stress than is necessary. Stress that will harm you and perhaps the kids by extension.

So, manage your expectations and be reasonable. If you're in the midst of a difficult separation, expect the other parent to be angry and unreasonable - accept it and wait. Eventually, everyone calms down and not feeding into it reduces your stress hugely.

Also, expecting others (read the 'system') to immediately fix your problem over the holidays is unreasonable given that everyone is hoping to have a break and that every service no matter how important, operates on a skeleton basis.

If we are talking law specifically, understand that the wheels of justice always move very slowly (not least during the Christmas holidays) and fixing this holidays conflict is likely not going to be resolved until next year - so, accept thats the case and look to fixing the issues over the coming year and ahead of next years holiday.

Time lost can be made up over the year or next holiday season. Its not worth ruining your holidays and your health over.

Ask one of our experiencing facilitators (men who've been through it themselves) and they'll invariably tell you that, those with the most difficult cases are usually defined by an unrealistic expectation of the system, others and the final outcome.

Those that tend to have the best outcomes are generally those who do not get flustered and who take their time to work through these incredibly difficult situations, working on influencing the right outcome long term versus forcing the desired outcome short term.

These things never move as fast as you want.

Reach out to a peer support organisation like Dads in Distress to help you talk through realistic outcomes with others who've already been through it.

If you're separating and things go pear shaped, it's not unusual that courts and police get involved.

Over the years, we hear repeatedly about problems that arise out of people not understudying the distinction between criminal and civil law. It's an important distinction and might stop you getting on the wrong side of the law.

Criminal law includes the criminal courts and the police as the preventative or investigative agency with regard to matters that are criminal in nature.

Civil law, in particular family matters, is managed by you as a civilian (albeit represented by a lawyer) through the local family or magistrates court.

The police investigate or act to prevent criminal acts. Criminal acts in the family context include domestic violence. So if either parent attacks the other, the police can and will get involved in what is a criminal matter.

However, child contact, be it by mutual agreement or court order that is breeched, is a civil matter and one that you personally must pursue enforcement of through the civil courts. The police cannot and will not get involved in civil matters.

This often causes confusion amongst dads who might see the police issuing them an AVO where DV has taken place or is alleged, yet will seemingly refuse to help dad if child contact is denied against a court order. The police are just doing their job and preventing criminal matters - they are not discriminating against men in regards of refusing to help with contact order denial situations.

That said, if you're a dad and a victim of DV and you're not getting help from the police, then that is something you can legitimately pursue up the chain to get their help with.

Combining a few of the points above, over reacting is unlikely to help in any conflict situation. In general, things move far slower than you expect in the final analysis and early 'overreactions' tend to make things worse.

If you're in the midst of it all and not sure what to do, not doing anything is not always the worst choice.

When you sit in support groups and hear how often separated parents say things like " I wish I hadn't said/done/thought...", you'd know where we're coming from.

Eventually all arguments end and things calm down; all that remains is how it turned out for you and the kids. Things (possessions, equity etc.) do not matter as much as those you love and that love you.

Think about the people you love, especially your kids, and think long term outcomes that you influence, not force. Influence is a great word because you don't influence people by fighting them - you achieve it more through showing you care, that you are reasonable and that you can be trusted to do the right thing even when they cannot.

When things get too much for you, take time out.

Speak to a service like ours or someone you trust and get an unbiased outside perspective.

Left to our own devises, sometimes we are or own worst enemy. Know this, act accordingly and long term, it will work out just fine.

Call 1300 853 437

Outside of helpline hours (Mon-Sat, 08:30-17:00 AEDT) and if its an emergency, call our office on 02 8005 0016. If we don't answer straight away, we regularly check messages and will call you back as long as you leave a clear message with your name and number. Or email us on men@peersupport.men