I lost myself once. I thought I’d never find myself again. If you’re wondering how I lost myself here’s the story:
I lost my great grandmother. She was the sweetest and the bravest , and most amazing woman I knew. She held on for as long as she could. I didn’t get to say the goodbyes I wanted. My heart was broken. I thought, “Why now? Why me? Is this a dream?” I will always remember that amazing smile of hers and her delicious baked goods. She taught anyone to cook if they asked; it was the best part of spending time with her. No matter how many times I remember I’ll always till this day will be heartbroken. Trying my best to deal with what happened, I still haven’t till today. I ask myself , will I ever? But that’s not how I fully lost myself.
I ended up getting pushed around in school and then the next year I was being bullied and called names I never thought would be said with my name attached to it. I hated it...Hated it! My parents said, “be strong fight back don’t let anyone tell you who you are.” Yet I did. I was still trying to process that I lost someone two years ago and one year ago, my grandma got cancer. She survived, but still, scary things like this kept happening and I was trying to deal with it on my own as a teenager.
I was to afraid to talk to anyone. I was afraid that everyone would just say “she’s not gone, she will be in your heart, everything is fine.” That’s not the answer I wanted at all. I wanted to know why this had to happen to me? Why me ?
Back to the school problem: I let the bully get to me. Everything I was told by the bully, I believed, and I doubted myself. Any and every time I looked in a mirror, everything she said seemed to come out as true. Was it? Is it? I was going through mixed emotions and never talked to anyone. I never wanted to. I thought I was old enough and strong enough myself, which wasn’t true. You always need someone by your side. But I wasn’t much of a speaker. I liked to keep things to myself, which was a bad idea because I tried it! I tried to let myself go. I didn’t want to exist. I wanted all my problems to go away. My cousins and sister tried their best to cheer me up. My parents just wanted to talk but I wanted it to end, to finally stop.
Someone finally caught me before I did something horrible or any real damage. My mom told me it was okay to be upset but I couldn’t let it end my whole world. She asked me one thing...well her and my dad asked me one thing no one else asked which was is if I had cried. That’s when I realized! I didn’t cry when she died. I didn’t cry when I was being called names. I complained and avoided it. I thought crying made me weak. It didn’t, tough. It helped during these times when I lost myself and the human part of myself to let my emotions through.
So I finally cried at the fact that I lost someone and that someone bullied me and that I let them. I cried my eyes out but then I stopped. I was fine. At least I think I was. Till this day, I don’t know if I will ever be fine, but I do know that you can’t let things bring you down and you can’t stop your whole world because you feel life is over.You miss out on a lot, and at the end of it all, you just have to find a reason to stay positive and motivated. I’m not saying don’t be sad if someone dies or hurts you, just don’t stop your world. You have to keep going strong with your head up high because you are beautiful. You are strong so keep your head up high. I have, and if I can, so can you.