Humor

Did you know that a lot of folks back in the day thought we'd still be riding horses in the year 2000? Some predicted that automobiles would be nothing more than a passing fad. If you could time travel back to the 19th or early 20th century and ask some of these so-called "experts" about the future, you might be in for a pretty wild ride. Let’s take a look at some of their predictions, what they were thinking, and why they turned out to be, well, a little off the mark.

• Cars Are A Fad, Says President of a Savings Bank, Horses Are Here To Stay

In 1899, the president of a prominent savings bank in New York made quite a bold declaration: "The automobile is a passing fad, and horses will always be the primary mode of transportation." At the time, cars were still pretty new and not much more than noisy, unreliable contraptions. They were expensive, hard to maintain, and didn't exactly scream "practical" for the average person. In a world where horses were deeply integrated into daily life, it made sense to stick with what was familiar.

Why, you ask, confused and slightly amused, did they ever think such a thing? 

Well, the automobile was so new that it hadn’t yet proven its staying power. Horses, on the other hand, were reliable, inexpensive, and a staple of transportation, agriculture, and even warfare for centuries. It seemed almost unthinkable that something as revolutionary as the automobile could completely replace them.

Fast forward to 2025, and we can barely imagine a world without cars. Automobiles, now mass-produced and accessible, are a global phenomenon. We've got electric cars, self-driving cars, and everything in- between. The horse? Well, they're mostly just used for sport, leisure, and the occasional Western movie. Who would've thought?

• The World Will Be Completely Covered By Airships.

In 1910, an engineer predicted that by the year 2000, airships would dominate the skies, making cars obsolete. The idea was that these giant flying machines would be the future of air travel, not airplanes. The airship industry was still in its early stages, and the idea of dirigibles zipping around the world seemed futuristic, cool, and, well, a little magical.

The airship industry was gaining momentum with notable examples like the Zeppelin and the Hindenburg, and many believed that lighter-than-air technology would be the key to long-distance travel. The idea of flying above the traffic, in giant luxury airships, must have seemed like a dream come true.

While airships did certainly capture the public’s imagination, the reality is that airplanes are just more practical. Airplanes are faster, more efficient, and can carry far more people than airships ever could. The Hindenburg disaster in 1937 also dampened enthusiasm for airships, and while they are still used today for things like advertising or occasional sightseeing, they’re nowhere near the global travel marvels once envisioned.

• We Will Be Living On Mars By 2000.

In the 1950s, some scientists were predicting that by the turn of the century, we’d be living on Mars. Space travel was a new frontier, and the fascination with the idea of humans conquering the cosmos was high. People were sure that by the 21st century, we’d have mastered galactic travel and set up colonies on planets like Mars.

The space race, at the time, was in full swing, and the possibilities seemed endless. With the success of early rocket technology and the launch of Sputnik in 1957, it wasn’t too far-fetched to believe that human settlement on another planet was just around the corner. After all, we’d already landed on the Moon by 1969, so why not aim for Mars next?

While space travel has certainly come a long way—hello, Mars rovers and SpaceX—human colonies on Mars are still very much a distant dream. The technological, financial, and biological challenges of surviving on another planet are immense. As of now, humans are still on Earth, and a permanent Martian colony is still in the realm of science fiction, albeit with a lot of ambitious plans on the horizon.

• Electricity Will Be Too Expensive To Use Regularly.

At the dawn of the 20th century, there were some dire warnings about the future cost of electricity. One economist even predicted that by the year 2000, electricity would become so expensive that only the wealthy could afford it. The idea was that as cities expanded and more people demanded power, the cost of producing and distributing electricity would skyrocket.

At the time, electricity was still a newfangled thing. Not everyone had it in their homes, and it wasn’t yet a widespread utility. The infrastructure for electric power was still being built, and it made sense to assume that such a vital resource would become scarce and expensive as demand increased.

Instead of skyrocketing, the cost of electricity has dropped significantly. Advances in energy production, especially with the rise of renewable sources like solar and wind, have made electricity more accessible and affordable than ever before. Sure, the price can vary depending on where you live and how energy is produced, but in general, electricity is a lot more ubiquitous and cheaper than anyone could’ve predicted.

• The Need for Manual Labor Will Disappear.

During the 1930s, a futurist claimed that by the 21st century, automation would be so advanced that manual labor would become a thing of the past. People imagined a world where machines would do all the work, freeing humans to live lives of leisure and creative pursuit.

Why did they think this? The industrial revolution was in full swing, and technology was advancing at an unprecedented rate. The rise of machines in factories made many believe that automation would eventually take over all types of work, from agriculture to manufacturing to service jobs.

Unfortunately, it’s not true. While automation has certainly taken over many tasks, it hasn’t eliminated manual labor altogether. In fact, automation often creates new forms of labor in the tech and service industries. We're still working, just in different ways. And while we’ve seen major advancements like robots in factories and AI in offices, humans are still very much part of the workforce, adapting to new technology rather than being replaced by it.

So, what can we learn from all these predictions? Well, for one thing, it’s clear that people tend to overestimate how quickly things will change, but they also underestimate the resilience of certain things—like cars, electricity, and good old-fashioned human labor. The future is full of surprises, and even the most thought-out predictions often miss the mark. But hey, it makes for some fascinating history lessons, and who knows what wild ideas we’ll be laughing at in another 100 years?

Here’s to the 21st century—whether we’re living on Mars, zipping around in flying cars, or still just trying to get through traffic.

Have you ever heard of the Pinocchio paradox?

If not, here are the basics. Pinocchio, the wooden boy, has this little quirk: Every time he lies, his nose grows. Simple enough, right? Now, Pinocchio says, “My nose is about to grow.” And that’s where the logical challenge starts.

Try to wrap your head around this:
When he lies, his nose grows. So, if he says his nose is about to grow and it doesn’t, that would make his statement a lie, causing his nose to grow. But… if his nose does grow, then his statement is actually true! But if it’s true, then he didn’t lie, meaning his nose shouldn’t have grown in the first place. And boom. You’re stuck in an endless logical loop.

Now, that’s what happens when you try to reason with a paradox. You spin around in circles, wasting precious time you could be doing… Well, literally anything else.

Here’s a few more logic bombs:

• If I say it’s opposite day, is it really opposite day?

• If a time traveler went back in time and handed Beethoven a copy of Moonlight Sonata to publish as his own, who’s the true composer?

So, what’s the point here? That, dear reader, is exactly what happens when you apply cold, hard logic to everything in life. You’ll end up like Pinocchio: overthinking and overanalyzing yourself into oblivion. You start applying so much logic that you forget to leave room for imagination and creativity, which is where the real magic happens.

These questions don’t just twist your brain into a knot; they illustrate the point that endless logical analysis can trap you in a place where creativity can’t breathe. You’re thinking so hard about what could be right that you forget the joy of what could be different.

Here’s the thing— logic is helpful in moderation, but too much of it is a creativity killer. You can’t think your way to new ideas if you’re too busy trying to figure out why the idea you just had might not make perfect sense. Sometimes, you need to step outside of that box of reason and be weird— like, throw-on-your-pajamas-to-go-to-the-store weird. Because common sense isn’t actually as common as it’s made out to be. In fact, it’s often overrated. You might miss out on your best ideas just by sticking to the “logical” approach. You know, the one that’s always telling you to stay inside the lines and avoid mistakes.

Weirdly, mistakes are where the real breakthroughs happen. Coca-Cola was originally marketed as a medicine. Fudge was a mishap on the baker’s end when attempting to make caramel. Potato chips were invented by an angry chef when a customer said his French fries were too thick.

You can’t innovate by staying stuck in your little logical loop, trying to make sense of everything. Sometimes, the most beautiful, weirdest ideas are the ones that don’t fit neatly into a pattern. They’re the ones that are unexpected, offbeat, and just a little nonsensical. Just like the Pinocchio paradox— they don’t follow the rules, and maybe that’s exactly what makes them brilliant.

So, stop trying to make sense of everything. Let the weirdness in. Because, let’s face it, if you’re always analyzing everything to death, you’re not leaving much room for the magic. Creativity thrives on the illogical, the spontaneous, the “what ifs” that don’t have to be justified by reason. 

Let’s close with one of the most mind-twisting paradoxes: If you have an old wooden ship and replace every single board as it rots, is it still the same ship once every single part has been swapped out?

Language is a funny thing. One day, you’re reading Pride and Prejudice, and the next, you’re scrolling through a meme about someone getting “bodied” in an argument, “slaying” a dance challenge, or just “vibing” in general.

Ah, English. Once the majestic tongue of Shakespeare and Milton, now a buffet of acronyms, emoji combinations, and an ever-growing list of ways to say “that’s terrible” without ever actually saying it.

In this brave new world of conversational chaos, one can’t help but wonder: When did "cool" become an acceptable substitute for a thoughtful description? When did we stop talking to each other and start communicating exclusively in shorthand? And, more importantly, why are we letting slang take over?

The Rise of Slang: A Love Story for the Ages

Let’s start with the basics: slang. It’s everywhere. You know it’s true because you’ve probably used it in the last five minutes without even realizing. “Lit.” “Bruh.” “Bet.” It’s like English turned into an Instagram caption that never ends. And while these new words may seem harmless (perhaps even fun), they’re not exactly helping you land that high-paying job or impress your grandma at Thanksgiving dinner.

Here’s the thing: the more we rely on these shortened, meme-worthy phrases, the more we let language lose its nuance. Slang is like fast food for your vocabulary—it’s quick, it's accessible, and it’s definitely not doing much for your intellectual digestion. But let’s be honest, we all love a good “savage” retort or a “no cap” confession, even if it makes us sound like we skipped the last few decades of linguistic evolution.

Bad Insults: Dude, Stop Cursing. You’re Insulting My Intelligence

Insults have lost their spark. What used to be a clever battle of wits has now devolved into lazy, vulgar jabs. The art of a well-constructed insult—one that makes you think and laugh—is nearly extinct. Today, it seems like the go-to response is just cursing or throwing out a quick, uncreative remark like “idiot” or “moron.” Seriously, which is going to make you feel worse— someone cursing at you or someone telling you that they’ve seen salad that dresses better than you?

This shift says more about the speaker than the target. When someone resorts to simple, unrefined insults, they’re not just failing to make a point — they’re being lazy. It’s as if they’ve given up on crafting a sharp, intelligent response, opting instead for the easiest and least imaginative way to lash out.

Real insults used to be sharp, witty, and thought-provoking. They challenged the person on the receiving end, often turning the tables with a clever retort. But now, in our fast-paced, online world, insults have become little more than noise. They’re lazy. They’re sad. And they make the person dishing them out look more ignorant than the one being insulted. So next time someone calls you names with no thought behind them, just remember: it's not you they're insulting—it's their own lack of creativity.

Real English? Sorry, It’s on Vacation

Now, here’s the kicker. Have you noticed that nobody really uses real English anymore? The kind where people complete their sentences, conjugate verbs correctly, and don’t leave the entire conversation sounding like a cryptic Twitter thread? In the midst of all this slang and shortcut language, who has the time for proper grammar or articulate expression? Certainly not the average person texting their friends “yo, u up?”

But don’t worry—Language Arts classes are here to save us with proper English! You know, diagramming sentences, knowing how to properly cite sources in MLA format, and memorizing the exact rules for using commas. The real stuff. Apparently, we were supposed to carry that knowledge into adulthood, but instead, it’s been buried beneath layers of "lit" and "fam" like an ancient relic nobody’s bothered to dig up.

Sure, your 9th-grade English teacher might’ve enthusiastically insisted that "mastering language" would help you “express yourself clearly.” But what did they know? They didn’t foresee the rise of social media, where precision and accuracy are replaced with hashtags, abbreviations, and gifs. In today’s world, communication is less about clarity and more about getting the message across as fast as possible—preferably with an emoji in the mix.

So, What Does It All Mean?

At the end of the day, language is evolving. And it’s not just changing; it’s going through an extreme makeover. Slang is here to stay, bad insults are oddly effective, and no one seems to care that nobody uses proper English anymore. Maybe it's because, deep down, we’ve all given up on "correct" language and opted for something more... fun? After all, why say “I will see you tomorrow” when you can just text “see ya”? It’s quicker, more to the point, and definitely more “lit.”

But let’s be real for a second: If we’re going to continue this linguistic experiment, let’s just remember that proper English isn’t dead. It’s just taking a nap. And who knows? Maybe one day, the grammar gods will come back to smite us for all those sentence fragments.

But for now, just enjoy the ride. We’re all “vibing” together, whether we like it or not.

From December 4-8, ORCA students in grades K-8 stepped up to the ballot boxes to vote for their new MS President. The Presidential candidates included Julia, Wilder Adele Kersey, Arabella Mullanix, Emma Davis, and… someone’s cat. 

The student senators brushed it off laughing, regarding the cat’s candidacy as a mere joke. But the cat was serious about it. The cat’s presidential speech and poster found its way into the K-8 Presidential slide and survey.

While the Student Government deemed it only to be a jest, students thoughtfully considered what the cat had to offer. “I liked what the cat said they would do for ORCA,” one student commented. “It seemed like the cat would help our school grow.”

Another student remarked that a non-human president would be a refreshing change.

After hearing about their fellow ORCA student’s opinions, the presidential candidates started to get nervous about their chances of winning the presidency. “The cat was quickly growing in popularity. The chances of winning the election were getting slimmer and slimmer,” Wilder Adele, a candidate for the presidency, informed us. Even the principal of ORCA’s Middle School was growing anxious. 

Finally, after the election passed, the dreaded day came. The results came in… and the cat won. The Presidential candidates were freaking out at this point and they were desperately trying to make up excuses as to why the cat could not be inducted.

It seemed as if the cat was going to be the first middle school president until someone pointed out that the president had to be a student and that being a student’s cat didn’t count.

After that point was made, an emergency election was thrown together and Emma Davis was elected as the very first MS student body President. Students agreed that a president with the power of speech would be better for the school. 

Still, after logging out of live class and finishing their schoolwork, some students still wonder what could have happened if the cat had been inducted into office.

ORCA Teachers Design New Holiday To Replace Thanksgiving

ORCA teachers are concerned about how much fun kids are actually having during Thanksgiving. So they decided to design a new holiday celebrating math instead.

“We’ll call it ‘Quad-mas,’” ORCA high school teacher Laurie Cantu explained. “It’s four holidays wrapped in one! So you open presents, eat a huge meal, hunt for eggs, and love everyone you celebrate with!” 

You might be wondering, what is the math component of this all? Before opening those presents, make sure to calculate the area of them first. Or, simply add up all the calories from your huge Quad-mas feast.

ORCA teachers absolutely adored the idea and have already begun spreading the word throughout their classes with slideshows, Nearpods, and more. 

However, ORCA students have a different perspective. “It’s getting annoying,” claims one student. “Every class I have focuses around this ‘Quad-mas.’ What even is that?”

“This is ridiculous,” another student says. “We already have Pi Day, why do we need more?”

The Current is debating whether or not to ask which beloved holiday will be replaced next, but are worried they might get stuck with something along the lines of ‘Fractionween.’

Monday Morning HSS Class Becomes Debate

High School Success became a debate one early Monday morning when a student introduced a new controversial topic.

“We should remove the letters K and S from the English alphabet,” he announced. This sparked a deep ten-minute conversation on the alphabet.

“Why should we have two letters that both do the same job as C?” another student agreed.

“Without K and S, we can’t spell lots of things, like ThanKSgiving,” argued one student who’d gone on mic.

This conversation almost died down, but then continued when a different student claimed that the letter X should go instead.

Teacher Tries New Turkey-Flavored M&M’s On A Dare, Immediately Regrets The Decision

We all love high school algebra teacher Devon Johnson. Or so everybody thought.

An ORCA teacher decided one day, out of the blue, to dare poor Johnson to eat a bag of M&M’s. How bad could that be? Everybody knows that Johnson loves the iconic chocolate candies. But as she once said in her own words, “There is a limit to the M&M’s I will actually eat.”

So, Johnson went and bought a bag of newly flavored M&M’s. The thing is, the M&M’s inside the bag were turkey-flavored. And she ate one of the little chocolate pieces. And promptly spat it out again.

The Current reached out for a quote, but the teacher was too busy stuffing her mouth full of Peanut M&M’s in an attempt to get rid of the taste of turkey.

ORCA Student Turkey-Rolls Her Friends For Thanksgiving

An ORCA student has taken rickrolling to a whole new level.

She used her incredible tech skills to combine a rickroll video and a picture of a cartoon turkey, thereby creating the “turkey-roll.” She used it on each of her friends, all at the same time, in her sixth grade math class and got herself banned from the chat forever.

“It was after-class social time and she kept asking to put a special Thanksgiving video she made in the chat. Nobody expected a rickroll with turkeys,” one student told The Current. “It was hilarious and really, really dumb at the same time.”

“I decided to take away her co-host rights. And then I banned her from the chat pod for all eternity,” the teacher of the ‘roll-ed class explained with a shrug. “She knew the risks, and she shall now pay the price,” 

“They knew the rules, and so did I. But it was totally worth it,” the turkey-roll creator said with a mischievous smile.

October 16 is Global Cat Day, which is a perfect time to celebrate our favorite pets. Whether you are a cat person or not, this is a good way to raise awareness and support for animal organizations. 

In honor of cats, purrpare for some pawsitively hissterical cat jokes:

What club would a cat join?

Meow-sic club

What is it called when a cat wins a contest?

Cat-has-trophy

Why would a cat join the Whale Pod?

To be in a pawdcast

What do you call a cat teacher?

A purrfessor

What treat would a cat eat on a hot day?

A mice cream cone

Why did the cat go to the vet?

She wasn’t feline very well

What is a cat's favorite day of the week?

Caturday

What movie did a cat see this summer?

Mission: Impawsible

What TV show would a cat watch?

Claw and Order

What is a cat’s favorite inorganic compound?

Sodium Purroxide

Why did the cat join Meowspaper Club?

He wanted to be a news-cat-ster

What does a cat say after making a joke?

“Just kitten!”

Cats are certainly a pet full of purrsonality. Give a kitten some extra love this month on Global Cat Day! 

Student Tries To Use Voodoo To Win Apples To Apples At HS Hangout, Wins By A Landslide

How far would you go to win a game of Apples To Apples? Apparently, some students would go as far as voodoo to win at this low-stakes card game. 

The May High School Hangout brought gobs of ORCA students to the Wilsonville office, and many joined in a large game of Apples To Apples. The game is all about matching your card to the prompt, and anonymously trying to get the round’s judge to pick your card. With over twenty people playing at once, having a judge pick your card is rare and plenty of students left the game without any green cards. 

Most students weren’t playing for life or death in this game, accepting the low probability of getting one card, let alone winning, but there are always exceptions. 

Some students tried to bribe the judge, offering Fred Meyer coupons, and some tried Puss-in-Boots’ sparkle eyes strategy, attempting to use emotional manipulation to win. 

And one student tried voodoo. The student was reported to have stared deep into the judge’s eyes, crossed her fingers, and whispered incantations. 

“I was a little freaked out, to be honest,” one student commented. “She kept whispering something about winner, winner, chicken dinner?” 

“It was like I couldn’t even read the other cards,” said a student who played ‘judge’ in one of the rounds. Student claimed to have been hypnotized, continuing, “I picked the only one I could read, and guess what? It was hers!” 

The voodoo student has declined to comment on such an event, but — to no one’s surprise — did manage to win the game. 

Middle Schoolers Crash the High School Hangouts

The Middle School Hangouts was a fun-filled two hours, and once the event was over, students began heading home. 

But two middle schoolers weren’t done with the fun yet. 

As all the middle schoolers poured out the door to leave, the two students snuck back, with a devious plan in mind. 

They pulled off a convincing disguise, hiding behind a trenchcoat, a pair of sunglasses, and a fake mustache on. With this master disguise, they entered the High School Hangouts.

The two middle sch– uh, high schoolers – joined game tables and discussions about SATs. As the high schoolers went on a tangent about trigonometry, the middle schoolers added, “ – it’s a sine of the times!” 

“I mean, they looked a little weird, but all high school students do,” said the teacher advising the event. He happened to be the very same teacher that checked the middle schoolers in, but refused to comment on that. 

“You know, my senioritis hasn’t been that bad,” they remarked. “The SATs were a breeze.”

The table was met with shocked silence. 

“I knew immediately that it was a cap,” another high school student said. “No high schooler would be caught dead saying that.” 

After the disguise was revealed, the middle schoolers were escorted off the premises. Their confiscated disguise will be displayed at the ORCA office as a reminder to future chaperones.

Mystery: Cookies Disappear From Snack Tables

At the High School Hangouts, one teacher brought a box of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies to share with students and teachers. The homemade snacks were a big hit, with everyone sharing and enjoying the sweet treat. 

The teacher left the box unattended and went to play Scrabble, expecting to come back and have a few cookies left to herself. 

However, to her dismay, the teacher came back to find the cookie box completely empty, with only a few bits and crumbs scattered on the floor. 

“My cookies!” she exclaimed. “Who stole my precious cookies?”

Her exclamation was met with silence, as students stared back at her, blinking in confusion. After questioning the students to no avail, she decided to take the investigation in her own hands. 

Scouring the room, the teacher lined up the students and teachers along the wall. Everyone had a motive, and everyone was a suspect. 

“Look, it wasn’t me,” a student said, shrugging a few crumbs off his baggy coat. 

The middle schoolers in a trench coat had struck again.

Teacher Upset When Students Beat Him At Go Fish

While at the HS Hangouts, a teacher brought together some of his students to play a casual game of Go Fish. Much to his horror, his students all ganged up against him and took all of his pairs. 

“I was so confused,” the teacher said. “They didn’t care if they won or not, they just wanted me to lose!” 

“He gave me a bad grade on my essay,” one student commented. “I wanted to make him regret it.” 

Another student chimed in, “He’s a really nice teacher, but has really hard assignments. This is just free therapy for me.” 

The group played three rounds of Go Fish, and the teacher lost every single one. 

Zoom transcripts and new courses – what could go wrong? Let’s take a look at some of ORCA’s top news stories this week.

ORCA Launches New Gen Z Language Class

ORCA’s high school Gen Z course makes its debut this semester as an all new language-based elective. This class explores the infinite memes and slang that make up the Gen Z pop culture. 

“This class will be slayin’ fr fr,” said the teacher. He is well qualified for the course, with a Ph.D. in Gen Z-ology at the prestigious University of Phoenix. 

However, some students have suspicions about whether the teacher is really part of Gen Z. 

“The teach is lowkey sus,” a student said. “He likes flexing that he’s all fax no printer, but that doesn’t pass the vibe check.”

“Skrrrr,” another student added insightfully. 

Recent reports reveal that the tea was spilled: the teacher was born in 1996, and therefore is not a Gen Zer. 

Zoom Transcript Goes Wrong

Tragedy struck in Thursday’s class this morning when the teacher enabled the Zoom transcript. However, the transcript failed to accurately dictate what the teacher was saying, leaving many students confused. 

The Nearpod showed steps for parabolas and quadratic equations, but the transcript was talking about windsurfing and chicken dances.

“What does not go on pizza with parmesan?” the transcript asked. 

“Uh, pineapple?” a student guessed. 

“I thought this was a math class,” questioned a confused student. 

“The teacher was getting frustrated when none of us were answering the questions right,” reported a student. “We didn’t even understand half of what she was saying!”

The Current reached out for a quote, but the teacher went on to explain something about a purple elephant on a tricycle eating nine hats. 

Fail: Student Tries to Connect to Hotspot

Amid the recent weather storms, many students lost power across the state. One unfortunate student had a particularly hard time with the internet outage. 

“I tried to log into class, but then the power just went out,” the student said. After trying to refresh the page again and again to no avail, he resorted to testing out his hotspot. But that didn’t work either. 

“I watched the whole Lord of the Rings trilogy three times and it was still loading,” the student lamented.  

Without being able to log into class or complete lessons, his teachers and classmates are becoming more concerned about his absence. 

“He’s definitely missed in class,” one of his teachers said. “He’s such a bright kid.” 

After the 81,367th attempt, the student finally got the hotspot to work.

“I just forgot to turn it on,” he said. 

ORCA Unblocks eBay for Students to Sell Their Stuff to Pay for College

At 12:04 a.m., an ORCA student discovered that eBay had been unblocked on school Chromebooks. 

“I was just trying to look up ex and it brought me to eBay.com,” she said. 

“I started selling random things like calculators and pencils," the student continued. "But then I realized that was not going to cut it for college tuition, so I ended up selling my desk and my computer, which I low-key got two people bidding on, ending up with 100 bucks!”

Another student found out about the unblocked website, exclaiming, “I didn't even know that people wanted to buy used math notebooks, but I guess anything titled vintage on it will sell.”

Some teachers joined in on the fun, too. “Who needs a monitor anyways?” remarked a humanities teacher. 

“I don’t even use half the stuff on my computer. I sold it so now I teach class on my iPhone,” said another teacher. “It’s not that bad to be honest.”

The Current found out that Mr. Lacy collects rare baseball cards and was selling them for $150 a pop. “I just wanted to unblock eBay on my computer – not on all of ORCA’s – but I guess it turned out pretty well,” exclaimed the high school principal. 

The Current was not able to reach out for additional quotes because the staff sold all of their computers. 

Matt Lacy, ORCA’s High School Principal, is often referred to as timely and ahead of schedule by his fellow administrators… but just how far ahead is he? 

“When he says he wants you to get it done by Monday, he means Friday,” Ms. Alison Galvin, ORCA’s Executive Director, once joked. “He’s always early.” But was she actually joking, or did she know something we don’t?

On December 12, Mr. Lacy sent out an announcement to high schoolers about an attendance opportunity. Students with an attendance record of 90% or more will be entered into a drawing for tickets to a Harlem Globetrotters game, which will take place at the Moda Center in Portland. The announcement states, “[The] event is set to take place on January 21, 2022.” 

But… that date has already passed by almost a year. 

Some could assume that it’s a simple typo, and think nothing of it. But curious students believe something bigger is happening here and that Mr. Lacy meant what he said. There is an easy answer. 

Mr. Lacy is more than your average principal. 

Mr. Lacy is a time traveler. 

It’s not clear how this will occur, but the winner of the drawing will be sucked back in time to attend the Harlem Globetrotters event on January 21, 2022. We’re also not sure why Mr. Lacy is choosing this event to reveal his secret power, or why he’s hidden it in the first place. But rest assured, we will keep searching for the answers. 

The orange vest-clad Principal has yet to say anything about his powers, but this cannot be accidental, not with enough coincidences. 

Of course, with such a shocking secret, we wonder if he’s hiding more. Is his name truly Mr. Lacy, or is it Clark Kent? Is he just the Principal, or the Sorcerer Supreme? Does he drive a DeLorean or the Batmobile? What was he doing during the events of Avengers: Endgame? The questions are endless, but we at The Current will strive to find all the answers in a completely legal way… 

The Current reached out to Mr. Lacy regarding the event, and he said, “The actual date is January 21, 2023.” But he said nothing about his superpowers. 

As if the fall season couldn’t get any better, on October 16 the world celebrates Global Cat Day. Whether you love or hate these mischievous fur balls, this day is a great way to raise support for non-lethal feline organizations.

In honor of cats, here are some purr-fect so-bad-they’re-good jokes.

What ORCA club would a cat join?

Pens and purr-ose.

What is a cat’s favorite movie?

Cat-atouille. 

What’s a cat’s favorite classic novel?

The Great Catsby.

What song is on a cat’s playlist? 

The Final Catdown

What is a cat’s favorite part of the holidays?

Santa Claws

What’s a cat’s favorite school subject?

Hiss-tory.

Give a cat some extra love and share these jokes on October 16, Global Cat Day. American cats are also celebrated on National Cat Day which takes place October 29.

Have you ever wanted to annoy the entire dinner table with some clever jokes? Well, here’s your chance to add more to your repertoire. With these summer puns, you’ll have enough to crack one every week until the next school year. 

• Is that a June bug? What are you doing in May!

• What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Phillipe Floppe.

• A man entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten puns hoping one of them would win but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

• I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

• Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall. 

• How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they have to do it while you’re eating dinner. 

• A doctor just recently diagnosed me with lactose intolerance. How dairy.

• Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots.

• What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

• Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock.

ORCA had a successful in-person prom Saturday night. Let’s look at the top headlines from the event. 

Students Surprised Mic and Camera are on Throughout All of Prom 

In a surprising twist, attendees to ORCA’s 2022 prom were informed that their mic and camera would be on the entire time. 

“It’s definitely a challenge having everyone be able to see me,” said one student. 

Others praised the freedom of the new format. 

“It’s really nice not having to raise my hand before speaking or ask for camera rights,” claimed another prom attendee. 

New reports indicate that the Zoom chat was disabled for the event as well. 

Student Still Trying to Log in to In-Person Prom

After misreading ORCA’s prom announcement, a student wasted two hours Saturday night trying to log into in-person prom from a lonely street corner in Salem. 

“I couldn’t find a Zoom link, a WI-FI network, or anything!” the student lamented. 

Thankfully, the student discovered the door before the dance was over and managed to enter in time to sing the last BA BA BA in “Sweet Caroline.”

Tragedy: This Student Dropped Dessert on His Rented Tuxedo 

In a tragedy that rivals the likes of Hamlet and Macbeth, an unfortunate student spilled the filling of a cookie brownie on his rented tuxedo. 

His cry of “NOOOOO” was drowned out by the loud music. 

Thankfully, the filling was miraculously the same color as the jacket’s lapel. However, it is still believed that the suit rental store will notice the chocolate-y stain. 

Students Forget How to Talk at In-Person Prom 

ORCA students had a difficult time adapting their speech habits to an in-person event during prom. 

Forgetting that they weren’t conversing in a Zoom chat anymore, students finished every sentence by loudly screaming “LOL!” or “XDXDXD.” 

Some students even named specific emojis when asked to talk about their feelings.

Chaperoning Teacher Takes Advantage of In-Person Prom to Tell Student to Turn in Overdue Paper

An unsuspecting student was met by her English teacher Saturday night at prom after forgetting to respond to her email. She was reminded of an overdue paper. 

“At least three pages, APA format, and don’t forget the abstract!” said the teacher. 

The student spent the rest of prom split between the dance floor and lamenting that she took an Honors-level course. 

Newspaper Club Daunted by the Task of Having to Ask People Questions 

Writers for The Current at prom were challenged by the in-person setting. 

“Wait, we need to actually talk to people? Like, face to face?” one reporter was overheard asking. 

Another newspaper club member tried to open a Google Doc with the person standing in front of him but was flummoxed by the sharing settings. 

Apparently the reporting was so bad that The Current staff lost their notes about the evening's events and resorted to just making stuff up.

First, it was Spotify and Pixel Art – but now Canvas has joined the list of blacklisted websites. 

After the new Canvas block last week, students were unsure what to do with their Chromebooks.

Now students are left without internet and spend all day playing the offline browser dino game—oh wait, that’s blocked, too. Overdue lessons and missing attendance are piling up on Canvas accounts. 

Teachers are confused about why their students aren’t showing up to classes anymore.

“It’s like they all disappeared,” a teacher said. “I think Thanos’s snap came true after all!”

The Current was not able to reach out to students for a quote. Additionally, the newspaper staff are forced to buy black market Chromebooks to release their issues. 

Unserious, not needed disclaimer: This is a totally real satire, not a guide. 

Want to write an awesome satire? The first thing you want to do is open up a new document and write about a topic that is funny. Then delete it all and read a satire on The Current. Afterwards, you should be all set for failure. You see, writing a really good satire is like growing wings and flying. It. Is. Impossible. Unless you're a totally real fairy.

Okay, now be serious. Seriously. Stop thinking about fairies.

When you're done crying Niagara Falls over how you cannot write satires, realize there is still hope. This is what you actually want to do. On your blank document, start with an idea that pokes fun at something. For example, how memes are the new jokes. Start out with a title, something funny like this: “Breaking News: Memes Are Over-Powering Jokes.” After that, start with a claim, something like this depending on your topic: “Recent news has it that memes are taking over jokes with their popular existence and their unspoken humor.” 

Next, add the filling. For instance: “If you look up ‘jokes,’ lots of terribly corny dad jokes come up that just aren't as funny as memes, but when you look up ‘memes,’ tons of hilarious and relatable comedy is there that's got to get you LOL-ing.”

Then after you write a couple more paragraphs, you should just delete it all, and plagiarize; steal someone else's satire article. Actually, if you don’t want to go to jail then that may not be the best plan, but if you like prison food then that's the way to go. 

Have you lost hope yet? Don’t give up! There are still some other things you can do. Write one straight from your heart without directions? Nah. Go and get some (serious) writing lessons and join The Current? Maybe.

If you don’t follow these steps then you will probably be totally fine writing it on your own. Just be sure to be satirical, not funny. And please, if you are actually going to write a satire – especially a great one – don't end your article with “THE END.” It's too improper. 

THE END.

As a part of Gen Z (Generation Z, born 1997-2012), today’s teenagers are the most advanced forms of humans that our species have ever seen. Take a look at this very informative graph of their psychological brain functions. 

By following these essential tips, you will learn the secrets to being an intelligent and mature specimen of this generation. 

Tip #1. Make Your Screen Your Number One Priority

Your device is an absolute. Necessity. To live. 

It doesn’t matter if you’re in the middle of a zombie apocalypse or being abducted by aliens—as long as you have a phone to post it on social media, you will be just fine. Having a steady stream of views, likes, and followers is essential to survival. 

Before this age, our ancestors didn’t even have TVs or phones. They survived by hunting for food, building shelters, and sewing their own clothes. As you can see, life before the social-media era was horrific, as our ancestors lacked the technology that teens now have with Tiktok and YouTube. Sure, Isaac Newton invented calculus, but did he have any subscribers? No. Not even one.

Tip #2. Learn the Gen Z Language

Gen Z teenagers have created an advanced form of the English language through the use of deep, and philosophical words in their sentences. Words such as “yeet,” “bruh,” “skrrr,” “oof,” and the overuse of “yo” can be used to express your high form of intelligence. By using one-word retorts, teens can show their efficient communication skills.

Tip #3. Talk Like a Pro

As a Gen Z'er, you must hone your linguistic skills to the point where you don't even say actual words. Instead, say letters that stand for words. For example, FYI, BTW, LOL, or IWLSHMDTIHAHA* to name a few. 

It is a form of spelling that doesn’t require actual knowledge of knowing how to read. This suggests that you put so little effort into saying what you’re saying, that you don’t even say the words that you’re saying; you just say the letters that say the words that you’re not saying. It’s like an intelligent form of illiteracy. 

*Stands for “I was laughing so hard, my dog thought I had a heart attack.”

Tip #4. Socialize Without Socializing

As a teenager, your social life is a big priority. There’s no question that the best way to create a deep, heartfelt connection with someone is through their online persona. The best way to socialize is to meet up with your friends, then sit around staring at your phone and messaging other friends that aren’t there. This way, you can ensure that you are building strong communication and people skills. 

Tip #5. Be Self-Centered

Think of yourself as the sun – the world revolves around you, and everyone else is just a part of it. It’s important to be self-absorbed while also being insecure about yourself. Expect that everyone else should conform to you. Then, throw a fit when things don’t go your way. This way, you can better develop your maturity and emotional stability the right way.

Tip #6. Maintain a Healthy Lifestyle

Maintaining a healthy diet of dino nuggies and pizza is an integral part of your daily routine. There is no better way to start your day than by filling your plate with nutritious foods full of succulent fat, energizing carbs, and pure sugar. 

The most productive way to spend your day is to sit on your couch, eating Cheetos crumbs off your shirt while binge-watching every show on TV until 3 a.m. Plus, who needs exercise? It takes an excessive amount of physical exertion to work out, which is a complete waste of energy that you could have used to stay inside and watch Netflix instead. 

Therefore, it is best to avoid exercise completely and maintain a well-rounded diet of junk foods to ensure that you are living an active and healthy lifestyle. 

By following these six simple tips, you will be well on your way to becoming a true Gen Z teenager.

What has happened to pop music? What used to be the most happy and upbeat genre has turned into melancholy central. What we listen to affects our spirit, and this moody music has become a large influence on teens. Instead of bobbing their heads, they are lying on the floor and staring at the ceiling with the volume set way too high.

All you have to do is turn on the radio, and Olivia Rodrigo will blow your ears up with a bunch of randomness about driving to Malibu and spitefully screaming “Good for you!” It’s chaos. Not to mention the return of the Jonas Brothers post-puberty, which everyone saw coming. 

Everyone misses the storm of 2013-2014 with hits like “Classic“ by MKTO and “Blank Space” by Taylor Swift. Who can forget that this was when One Direction peaked with one of their most popular songs, “Story of My Life?” Also at that time, Meghan Trainor was just entering the pop scene and brought the genre to a whole new level with vibrant girl power anthems.

And baby, baby, who would've thought that Justin Bieber would turn out to be the more positive side of pop, taking over what One Direction left behind after they went in separate directions. The takeover of smooth singing male singers has begun, with Charlie Puth and Shawn Mendes topping the charts. Where are the Backstreet Boys when you need them the most?

Finally, this genre is falsely advertising its content. Pop should formally change its name to “Flop” so people know what they are getting into.

Disclaimer: The author of this article has nothing against pop music and happens to enjoy Olivia Rodrigo and the Jonas Brothers, but she fears it’s warping the minds of our youth.

Let’s look at some totally real headlines about things that totally happened at ORCA this week: 

Zoom Meeting Turns Into Anarchy When Teacher’s Internet Goes Out

Thursday’s math class was going well until the teacher was accidentally logged out of the Zoom meeting due to an internet outage. 

“She was saying something about quadratics, and then she just disappeared,” said a student who witnessed the event. 

Not sure if they could leave or not as there was still 45 minutes left of class, the students scrambled to make the best of their remaining time in Zoom. A total societal collapse ensued. 

“At first we sat there in stunned silence,” said a student, “and then everyone went crazy.”

For around 15 minutes the students were hunter-gatherers before slowly joining in bands led by those brave enough to have their cameras on. The first squabble occurred when one faction claimed that they should start recording, and a second began over who should reign as the meeting host. 

Recent reports show the students experimenting with a parliamentary system. 

Rick Astley Joins Music Club 

In a surprising turn of events, singer Rick Astley has joined ORCA’s Music Club. 

“I asked him to join, and he agreed because he couldn’t let me down,” said the student who invited the ‘Never gonna give you up’ singer. 

“You know the rules, and so do I,” the singer added remorsefully. 

Despite being a massive success for the club, attendance hit an all time low the first meeting Astley attended. Many claimed that a fear of being “Rickrolled” led to their absence. 

“They ran around and deserted me,” Astley concluded. 

Speech and Debate Club Struggles as Members Agree on Everything 

ORCA’s popular Speech and Debate Club is beginning to struggle as its members are agreeing on everything. 

In their last meeting, members were asked about their views on world peace. 

“Yeah, that would be nice,” said one student to a chorus of “I agree” in the chat. 

“Ok, how about ending world hunger?” asked the club leader, with a similar response. 

After several other attempts the meeting was ended early. Members voiced their displeasure with having nothing to argue about. 

Reports showed that the club finally had a successful debate after a member claimed that a hot dog is a sandwich. 

Career Ed Student Still Waiting to Meet Ed

An ORCA student has been waiting all semester to meet someone he calls “Ed.” 

“When I first joined my Career Ed class, I was looking forward to meeting the person the course is named after,” he said. 

Other students have joined in on the movement, claiming that the title of the course was false advertising. 

“This Ed guy has to be really cool, right?” said the student. “He knows so much about all of these careers and colleges. All I want to do is meet him!” 

“I’m starting to think he may not be real,” another student added crossly. 

Teacher Still on Mute

Tragedy struck in Monday's English class as the teacher managed to share his screen and turn on his camera, but not his microphone. 

“His mouth was moving but no sound came out,” said a disappointed student, “and he just kept going through the slideshow.” 

The teacher reportedly went through the entire meeting without ever realizing he was muted. 

“He looked so sad when no one was answering his questions, but we didn’t know what they were,” said another student. 

The Current reached out for a quote, but the teacher was muted in his response as well.