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Strategies taken from "What to Do When Your Temper Flares"
Strategies taken from "What to Do When Your Temper Flares"
by Dawn Huebner, PhD
Everyone gets angry sometimes. It is such a common feeling, that we have many words to describe it.
Everyone gets angry sometimes. It is such a common feeling, that we have many words to describe it.
These include: Angry, Mad, Enraged, Fuming, Annoyed, Irritated and Furious.
These include: Angry, Mad, Enraged, Fuming, Annoyed, Irritated and Furious.
Can you think of any others?
Can you think of any others?
Being angry is actually a good thing. It is our body's way of telling us that we don't like what's going on. But there is one problem - anger can get big very fast!
Being angry is actually a good thing. It is our body's way of telling us that we don't like what's going on. But there is one problem - anger can get big very fast!
Anger can cause us to say things we don't mean, and do things we would never do if we were calm and in control. Anger that has gotten too big can make bad situations worse, and can get us into trouble.
Anger can cause us to say things we don't mean, and do things we would never do if we were calm and in control. Anger that has gotten too big can make bad situations worse, and can get us into trouble.
But there is a secret about anger that can help us learn to control it! Many of you already know this secret from our counseling discussions. The secret is:
But there is a secret about anger that can help us learn to control it! Many of you already know this secret from our counseling discussions. The secret is:
It's not the situation or what happens that makes you mad. Instead, it's your THOUGHTS about what happened that made you made (or that helps you feel OK in certain situations).
It's not the situation or what happens that makes you mad. Instead, it's your THOUGHTS about what happened that made you made (or that helps you feel OK in certain situations).
**Remember the triangle that connects thoughts, feelings, and behavior!
**Remember the triangle that connects thoughts, feelings, and behavior!
The more we allow our HOT thoughts to swirl around in our head, the angrier we will feel. Angry feelings can then lead to angry actions and angry words. These angry actions and angry words continue to feed our HOT thoughts!
The more we allow our HOT thoughts to swirl around in our head, the angrier we will feel. Angry feelings can then lead to angry actions and angry words. These angry actions and angry words continue to feed our HOT thoughts!
So how do we break the cycle??? We need to stop adding fuel to the fire! The fuel is our HOT thoughts!
So how do we break the cycle??? We need to stop adding fuel to the fire! The fuel is our HOT thoughts!
STRATEGY #1: Take a Break From Your Anger
STRATEGY #1: Take a Break From Your Anger
Taking a break means walking away from the scene of your anger. It means going off by yourself so you can calm down and think more clearly. It is a very, very helpful thing to do, but it's also a hard thing to do. Anger can take hold and make it very difficult to walk away. You have to be really determined and strong to get away from it!
Taking a break means walking away from the scene of your anger. It means going off by yourself so you can calm down and think more clearly. It is a very, very helpful thing to do, but it's also a hard thing to do. Anger can take hold and make it very difficult to walk away. You have to be really determined and strong to get away from it!
- Go to your room and listen to music
- Draw or color
- Read a book
- Play with a pet
Taking a break helps you feel better so you can think more clearly. When you're thinking clearly, you're less likely to get into trouble and more likely to come up with a solution to what's bothering you. Can you think of any other things you can do to help take a break from your anger?
Taking a break helps you feel better so you can think more clearly. When you're thinking clearly, you're less likely to get into trouble and more likely to come up with a solution to what's bothering you. Can you think of any other things you can do to help take a break from your anger?
STRATEGY #2: Think COOL Thoughts
STRATEGY #2: Think COOL Thoughts
Everyone has a tiny voice inside their head that comments on what we see, what just happened, or what is coming next. This tiny voice is really our thoughts. Everyone's brain is busy all the time churning out thoughts, whether we realize it or not.
Everyone has a tiny voice inside their head that comments on what we see, what just happened, or what is coming next. This tiny voice is really our thoughts. Everyone's brain is busy all the time churning out thoughts, whether we realize it or not.
When we're angry, the first thoughts our brains churn out are usually HOT ones. This happens automatically. We get mad, and then we start thinking and talking to ourselves about being mad. These HOT thoughts keep anger going!
When we're angry, the first thoughts our brains churn out are usually HOT ones. This happens automatically. We get mad, and then we start thinking and talking to ourselves about being mad. These HOT thoughts keep anger going!
Some examples of HOT Thoughts:
Some examples of HOT Thoughts:
- This is not fair!
- I never get what I want!
- I hate that!
Can you think of some others that you may have?
Can you think of some others that you may have?
So how do we stop the HOT Thoughts? We can think COOL Thoughts! COOL Thoughts are things you can say inside your own head to feel better. They don't tell you what to do, but they do calm you down. The point of COOL Thoughts is to sprinkle water on the HOT Thoughts, lowering the heat.
So how do we stop the HOT Thoughts? We can think COOL Thoughts! COOL Thoughts are things you can say inside your own head to feel better. They don't tell you what to do, but they do calm you down. The point of COOL Thoughts is to sprinkle water on the HOT Thoughts, lowering the heat.
Some examples of COOL Thoughts:
Some examples of COOL Thoughts:
- I can handle this
- This is no big deal
- This isn't worth getting angry about
- This is not what I wanted, but I will survive
**COOL Thoughts only work when YOU think them yourself. When someone says a COOL Thought to you, it won't help much at all. In fact, it may make things worse.
**COOL Thoughts only work when YOU think them yourself. When someone says a COOL Thought to you, it won't help much at all. In fact, it may make things worse.
Remember - COOL Thoughts take a lot of practice. If they don't seem to work at first, keep practicing and using them! The more you practice, the more you will believe them!
Remember - COOL Thoughts take a lot of practice. If they don't seem to work at first, keep practicing and using them! The more you practice, the more you will believe them!
STRATEGY #3: Release Anger Safely - Using Calm Down Techniques
STRATEGY #3: Release Anger Safely - Using Calm Down Techniques
Our brains and bodies work together to keep us safe. Our brain actually sees anger the same way it seems something dangerous. When we get angry an alarm goes off inside our bodies and makes our bodies react. Our heart beats faster, or breathing gets shallow (fast), and our muscles get tight.
Our brains and bodies work together to keep us safe. Our brain actually sees anger the same way it seems something dangerous. When we get angry an alarm goes off inside our bodies and makes our bodies react. Our heart beats faster, or breathing gets shallow (fast), and our muscles get tight.
There are a few ways that we can release this anger from our body in a safe way:
There are a few ways that we can release this anger from our body in a safe way:
- Active Method - burn off that anger! Do some physical activity that gets your heart beating fast like jumping jacks, riding your bike, or dancing! What kinds of other activities can you think of that you could do?
- Slow Down Method - relaxing! Deep breathing helps to slow down your heart and feel better inside. Take a slow, deep breath in through your nose while you count to 4 in your head. Hold it, and let it out slowly while you count to 5. Repeat this several times until your body feels calm!
STRATEGY #4: Solve the Problem
STRATEGY #4: Solve the Problem
When you're angry, it's as if the door that leads to the thinking part of your brain slams shut. All you can see or feel is ANGER. The part of you that knows how to be reasonable and solve problems is locked away. That's why it's so important to release the anger to re-settle your body and unlock the thinking part of your brain so you can deal with the problem.
When you're angry, it's as if the door that leads to the thinking part of your brain slams shut. All you can see or feel is ANGER. The part of you that knows how to be reasonable and solve problems is locked away. That's why it's so important to release the anger to re-settle your body and unlock the thinking part of your brain so you can deal with the problem.
When there is a problem you have two good choices:
When there is a problem you have two good choices:
- Work it Out - This involves doing something to make the situation better. Use your words to CALMLY work the problem out. This will involve being FLEXIBLE, or accepting something a bit different from what you originally wanted. You can also work out a COMPROMISE, which means that everyone involved gets a part of what they want, but not exactly what they want.
- Move On - This means deciding not to keep thinking about or working on the problem. You are letting the problem go.
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