Aiaree

Poem by Andrew L. Roberts

She curls

like a kitten behind my knees

I cannot feel her

But I know she is there

waiting for me to wake

each day

waiting for me to rise

and so to follow me

out into the dawn

everyday

I look up from the blue stone that

I hold in my hand

and to the sky

glowing overhead

it is the color of a pearl

almost

and its always the same

at this time of day

after the rain

waiting

to steal my breath

away

with its beauty

and with its promises

I smile

Isn’t it a comfort?

I ask

looking

into our shuttle captain’s eyes

holding them with mine

they are kind eyes

sympathetic

but nonetheless

determined and distressed

they are the color of flint

shifting with the light

shifting between

blue-slate and iron gray

and capable

of striking such bright sparks

when challenged

and yet

they cannot see

because she will not

see

like the others

she is afraid to see

and so chooses not

to see

for seeing might lead to believing

and to believe such a thing

as this

would break the mind

of some

Hart

she says

using the abbreviated

version of my given name

her voice is warm

the voice of my oldest friend

I am sorry

she says

so sorry

but Aiaree is gone

we cannot bring her remains

with us

or any of the others

who have passed here

they must be left behind

and so

you know

there is no choice

you have to let this thing

go

she looks

at Aiaree’s marker

but not Aiaree

who stands so close

beside it

watching us

intently

we have to leave

tonight

this is our Evac mission now

our launch schedule is tight

and that window is

closing fast

there is no waiting

She rises

brushes

the pink sand from her knees

and then from her hands

once we leave

she says

you will be alone

no resupply ships

no visitors

no help

cut off

for the rest of your life

alone

the rest of my life?

I reply

I should be so lucky

what is that—

thirty years?

thirty summers of walking the hills

with her

thirty autumns of picking apples

with her

thirty winters of warm fires and

hot tea

thirty springs of rain and sunshine

and mornings

all under such skies

as these

thirty more years with Aiaree

thirty more years here

would be a gift

for me

but this captain is

bewildered

though not so much frustrated

she is my friend after all

but I can see she feels helpless

in my absence of logic

and with my perceived

delusion

and she does not like this

feeling

not one bit

she feels betrayed

by me

come to the ship

she says at last

bluntly

straightening her jacket

pushing her hair back

behind her ears

and folding her arms

over her chest

time to build a new home

Hart

she says

and this is the best that she

can say to me

though she knows it is not

enough

home?

I say

I don’t need another home

I am home

but hearing that word

in my own voice out loud

makes me remember

Hannah

my late wife

Aiaree’s mother

recalling

all that we wanted to build

together

and

remembering her grave

back on Earth

and the soiled sky

under which

she lies

I

never saw her spirit

after she had died

not even once

I would have liked that

very much

to have seen her

as I see Aiaree

I loved her

my God

I love her still

but still I know

she did not follow

us to this small world

and its small star

she could not

and so we left her

behind

but Aiaree

is here with me

standing beside the stone

that bears her name

gazing now

into her own small hands

all translucent gossamer

and stardust

shimmering

Em

I say

less to the pilot

and more to my oldest friend

using the abbreviated version

of her given name

Em

you should go

the others are ready to leave

and I am just as determined

to stay

don’t make them wait

not on account of me

this

is where I belong now

and will remain

on this island

cut off

it is where I want to be

it is where I need to be

everything is all right

I have the dead and the dead

have me

so I will stay

it

was a sickness

that found us

with the first snow of winter

starting with our youngest

and as a simple cough

that worsened quickly

it took my Aiaree in only three

days—just three

and then her friends

Misha

Magda

and Marie

all of whom were seven

then Sade and Peter

the twins

Valerie and Valeria

Alexander

Matilda

Francis

William

Holly too

and all the rest

until the kindergarten

and the school

were left emptied

the playground

so silent

becoming their graveyard

and after that for a time

our skies

darkened

strange though

it did not touch the teens

or anyone older

I don’t know why

but it was unrelenting

to that point

and seemingly insatiable

until we were left

with no children

younger than ten

that

was a cruel winter then

that followed on our island

a fell winter of

grief

anger

love

and suicide

all

inseparable and impossible to

pull apart

our colony was dying

our colony was dead

and

yet

when spring returned

all the dying was done

and the sickness departed

as mysteriously

as it had arrived

but still we waited

in our grief-imposed

quarantine

holding our breath

almost yearning

for still more death

until

sometime later

after the first rains

and the first pearl-colored sky

I woke one morning to discover

the first of our children

the first of those innocent

spirits

my Aiaree

had returned

like a cat

curling behind my knees

Cameron

finds me shortly after

Em leaves

he arrives with a bottle

of his homemade hooch

in hand

and a tremor in his voice

asking me

if I might walk with him

up to the lookout

at the edge of the sea

to share a drink

he wants to talk

one last time with me

he is in so much pain

that is clear

in his eyes

in his voice

and in his movements

so raw

how could I ever say no

to my friend

so

we follow the well-worn trail

up the back of Yaegers’ cliff

named for the weather station

and woman who had built it

there upon our arrival

we follow the switchbacks

left to right

right to left

and left to right again

climbing gently

until we reach the wide

meadow that spreads

north and south

upon its

summit

it is a windy place

but it is a warm day

with the air softened

by just a touch of sea spray

the wild Estel that we brought

from Earth

are blooming for the first time

their tiny

white

star-shaped blossoms

dusting the green grasses

like snowflakes

as their fragrance

rises up about us

in a curious mix of

spearmint and bergamot 

Cameron

opens his bottle

and holds it out to me

I smile but I decline

I used to drink when I was sad

to dull the loss

to kill my pain

but I am no longer sad

I have no reason to be sad

now

and I never wish to

feel numb

again

how

did we meet?

he asks

well wasn’t it the play?

I say

oh yes

he nods

you’re right

the play

and the memory of that night

fills his eyes with

tears

Misha

his little boy

had been a tree

dressed all in green

with Aiaree

in stripes

of gold and brown

playing

a honey bee

dancing about him

with the perfect

innocence and exuberance

of a child

buzzing

and pretending

to be a bee

buzzing and circling about

another child

her friend

standing stiffly

and stretching tall

arms and fingers all

outstretched

pretending to be a tree

as their classmates

all in blue shirts

and white caps

formed

a river flowing

in between the audience

and the stage

some babbling

and others singing

all in that wondrous dissonance

of at least a half dozen different

keys

singing of sunshine

the wind

raindrops

and the longing of all waters

to reach and join the greater waters

of the

sea

Cameron and I

had sat together

grinning

through it all

trying not to laugh

and trying not to cry

and failing at both

I like this botanist

and his chemist wife

we became fast friends

that night

instantly

but now

upon this cliff I wait

and Cameron

takes a swallow of his whisky

a second

and a third

before he wipes the tears

from his eyes

and summons back his grin

pointing with the bottle

at the lilac horizon

and the pink shadows

of the clouds

he says

I will miss this place

I think

especially this view

and he takes another pull

from the bottle

yes

I say

I understand

and he

nods

the skipper expects me

to fix you

he says

to change your mind

and convince you

you know

to leave Aiaree and all of this

behind

to walk away

but how can I do that

look at our sky

and its light

why would I even

try

Cam bows his head

laughs for a moment

to himself

not to me

and pours out

all his remaining hooch

into the grass

and starts to sob

those terrible sort of sobs

that rise up

from that knot between the

stomach and the heart

and now I see

Misha’s shimmering spirit

hugging his Papa from behind

encircling the man’s big frame

with his small arms

he turns his head and

presses his cheek

against his Papa’s neck

and

I‘m not sure

if I should tell Cam

what I’m seeing

I’m not sure if it will

help more

or hurt more

but looking to Aiaree

and seeing her eyes

I know what I need to say

but it’s so damned

hard

Cam

everything is all right now

Misha understands

he knows

he is here with you

just as Aiaree

is always here with me

Misha knows you love him

he knows you have not seen him

even if it hurts too much for you to see

but

he is real

I promise

and he is here

even if you do not feel him

hugging you and holding you

it is no less true

he wants to be seen

by his mother 

and by you

seeing

him

will heal you

help you to truly see

and help you to know

that he has come back

to this place

and he does not want his father

or his mother

to be sad

you can stay or you can go

but allow yourself

at least to see and to

know

and crying out

with so much guilt and anger

Cameron howls

at the pearl-colored sky

I know

I know

I do see him

he was with us when

we woke this morning

but I can’t believe

how can I believe

that God would take my child

away

only to bring him back

to me

on the very day

when we must

leave?

silence then

and still more excruciating

pain

I am not a religious man

in my old life

I was a mathematician by trade

and if something in this universe

does not add up

I have never risked that leap

to religion

or to belief in any god I

cannot

hear

see

feel

or know

instead

I can only accept

that this is just a hole

in my understanding

and an absence of knowledge

or some missing and esoteric integer

that leaves my equations

incomplete

and even this—these spirits

our children

taken so young but now returned

has not filled me with any faith

or sense of

God’s presence

I meditated

and considered science

and the speculation of alien energies

or the possibility that

this small planet itself

with its shallow sea

might be

sentient

intelligent

benevolent

and intentionally reaching

out to us

through our lost children 

reaching

out to Cameron though his

Misha

out to me through my

Aiaree

and out to all

the others too

but

the simpler answer

still seems the best—

at least the best

to me

that the dead have always

returned to us

even on Earth

come back

curled in close to each of us

yearning to be seen

but

it is only here

under these pearl-colored skies

and with this planet’s

unique wavelengths and

quality of light

that we might see

and maybe—I think

someday even feel them as well

yet

if

I leave

if I let the others who are blind

take me away from here

I will almost certainly never

know

and I will lose Aiaree again

even as I lost Hannah

when

we left her behind on Earth

I will not risk that

ours

is a small planet

of shallow seas and short days

time passes very quickly here

and some days pass more quickly

even than others

today is the shortest day I

have ever known

I never meant to create a problem

nonetheless

a problem I have created

with my reluctance to leave

I

have set a terrible example

and now like me

Cameron

and his wife Marina

have decided to remain

they have pulled their luggage

from the loader

and removed their names

from the list

along with

three other families

who also

now see their own children

as I see Aiaree

and Croft

our colony’s leader

who first led our group here

to this world

and who now wants to lead us away

is angry

he was never my friend

not really

and I think he sees me now

as an enemy

what

he shouts

will you say to these—

who want to give up their last

chance to leave and start over

build new lives and have children

on another world

that they cannot have here

what

will you say to them

if these ghosts are only visitations

brief and temporary

who after being seen

will just as soon go away

for a second time

never to return

what will you say

if you rob them in this way

with your selfish fixation

for your dead daughter

Aiaree?

or

worse

what if you are holding Aiaree

a prisoner here?

unable to move on

to find her afterlife

or reincarnation

or whatever it is and wherever

the dead naturally go

stuck with only you

until you die

and she is set free

have you considered that?

have you considered Hannah?

how you may be robbing her

of her time

with her daughter?

can you be that selfish?

and

then

to Marina and to the other mothers

Croft points his finger

will you choose the dead over the

living?

chose the dead

over the unborn?

the past over the future?

and when the dead disappear

which I am sure they will

and time passes

and your loneliness grows

and eats at your hearts

will you risk bringing new life

into this world?

make new babies to suffer

the sickness all over again?

Croft sighs

that

is what you are choosing

and I cannot force you to choose

otherwise

but

do you think I am blind

Hart?

do you think my wife and  I

have not seen our own boy

Will?

beside us

watching us

walking with us

everyday

we have wrestled with this

decision too

in every possible way

and one way more than

you

we asked him

and he answered

and so we agreed

this world is no longer meant

for us

the living

and though like all of you

we still love our child

we have agreed to surrender

to let him go

and now so must you

for the sake of Aiaree

for your own sake

Hart

and for the sake of your friends

who stand beside you

we the living must cleave

to the living not the dead

no matter how precious or painful

but if you don’t believe me

you have only one thing

to do

ask her yourself

ask Aiaree

and so

I kneel

looking into my daughter’s eyes

wishing I could put my

arms about her

hold her close

smell her hair and feel her warmth

but I am unable to do so

that part of her is not here

and I ask my Aiaree

that hateful question

that cuts me to the bone

and pierces my soul

do you want me to stay

here—stay with you?

and she smiles

such a smile

innocent and true

her mother’s smile

so alive

the smile that I know

I will never forget

the smile that breaks my heart

anew

now and forever

as she shakes her head

no

and so

my worlds crumble

both old world and new

I weep and I know

the thing I never wished to know

Croft is right

and I and all the others too

must leave this world behind

now

say goodbye again

and let our children go

as the dead and the living

must always do

in the end.