Home Inspection
Flash-fiction - by Christopher Degni
My wife Trixie and I meet the inspector outside our prospective house. He's a giant of a man, with a wave of ginger hair and a mustache to match. His card says Ed Roger, Inspector Extraordinaire.
"Take it from the top?" he asks. His mustache doesn't move as much as it should when he talks.
"Sure," I say.
"Roof's in good shape, no missing or damaged shingles. Attic is clean and pest-free."
"Excellent!"
"Major appliances all have more life in them. Boiler should last for now, but you might want to consider replacing it in a few years."
"Okay." Trixie's smile grows with each revelation about our dream house.
"We should talk about the basement."
Uh oh, here it comes. "Water damage?" I ask. "I knew it."
"No, it's dry. But you've got an infestation."
"Termites?"
"No."
"Mice?"
He shakes his head.
"Cockroaches?"
He sighs at me. "Goblins."
"Did you say goblins?"
"Goblins."
I laugh. "What are you, a home inspector or a dungeon master?"
The inspector knits his prodigious orange brows. "What I do in my spare time is none of your business."
I make another lame joke before I can stop myself. "Next you'll tell me there are unicorns in the neighborhood."
The inspector shakes his head. "Don't be silly..."
My cheeks go hot and sweat tickles the back of my neck.
"...unicorns don't live this far north. Anyway, do you want to talk about the goblins or what?"
"Let's hear what he has to say." Trixie turns her big brown eyes on me, and I'm helpless.
"Okay. How do we exterminate them?"
Now it's the inspector's turn to laugh. His guffaw is exactly as booming as you'd expect. "You don't. You can try, but you really don't want a goblin war on your hands. They'd call in the redcaps, and--well, the less said the better. Once the little buggers decide to put down roots, they're hard to move."
"How do you know it's goblins anyway?" I can't believe I'm having a serious conversation about this.
"All the signs are there. Those holes in the ground near the foundation--"
"I thought those were woodchucks."
"That's what they want you to think. The real giveaway is the smell."
"I don't smell anything strange."
"You don't know what to smell for."
I shrug. "At least it's not ogres."
The inspector's eyes narrow. "What've you got against ogres?" he bellows.
"Nothing," I stutter. "Dumb joke. Anyway, goblins. If you can't beat ‘em..."
The inspector's mien returns to normal. "It's actually not too bad, having goblins. They'll stay out of sight. They'll even keep other pests away. You won't have to worry about mice, or squirrels, or... hey, do you have a pet?"
Trixie and I exchange glances. We were going to adopt a cat. "No..."
"Keep it that way," he continues.
"What about kids?" asks Trixie.
"Should be fine," he answers. "Goblins usually don't go in for human babies."
"Usually?" I ask. He shrugs. "Also, you might want to stow any gold or jewels in a safe deposit box. They'll ignore paper money, but they love the sparklies. Good to trade with other clans."
I take a mental note. "Anything else we should know?"
"Sometimes food will go missing, but they don't eat much."
Trixie smiles at me. "We can do this."
I inhale deeply. "I guess we'll learn to live with goblins."
"One more thing," says the inspector. "About this ring of mushrooms in the backyard..."