Coercive Control

Shining A Light On Hidden Abuse

There is a common misconception that domestic abuse is solely physical, but this is far from the truth. Abuse comes in many forms, and it isn’t always visible.

Coercive control is a term that describes a pattern of abusive behaviours designed to dominate, manipulate, and terrorise the victim.

This can include physical abuse, but it often manifests as emotional manipulation, intimidation, and threatening behaviour.

While physical abuse tends to receive more attention because it is more readily recognised, emotional abuse can be just as damaging, if not more so.

Emotional abuse is often subtle, operating through a drip-drip effect—where harmful behaviours start small and infrequent. These isolated incidents may not seem abusive at first, making it harder for victims to recognise the signs. Over time, however, the abuse escalates, becoming a pervasive pattern that traps victims in a state of intimate terrorism.

At this point, victims often live in constant fear of saying or doing the "wrong" thing, worried about how their partner might react. This gradual progression makes coercive control particularly insidious, as it erodes the victim's confidence and autonomy, leaving them feeling powerless.

Recognising that abuse goes beyond the physical is vital to understanding the full impact it can have on victims and offering them the support they need to reclaim their lives.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic where the abuser causes their partner to question their memory and perception of events. They may deny past statements or actions, contradict the partner’s recollection, and insist that their version of reality is the truth. Over time, this manipulation leads the victim to doubt their own judgment, feel confused, and even blame themselves for "misinterpreting" situations.

Gaslighting often goes beyond the intimate relationship, with the abuser involving friends, family, or even institutions like the family court. This amplifies the victim’s sense of isolation and self-doubt, making it even harder to break free from the cycle of abuse.

Irrational Guilt

Abusers often manipulate situations to make you feel responsible for their behaviour, creating a sense of irrational guilt. They may claim you’re "too sensitive" when you react to unkind comments, insisting that you need to develop a better sense of humour. If they mistrust you or demand to know your every move, they argue it’s because you’re untrustworthy. When they lash out in anger, they shift the blame, saying you "wound them up" or provoked their reaction.

This manipulation erodes your confidence, leaving you constantly questioning your actions and feeling as though you are to blame for their harmful behaviour.

Abusive “Jokes”

Your partner may hide hurtful insults behind the guise of humour, making offhand comments that are designed to undermine you. These so-called “jokes” often occur in public or in front of friends and family, leaving you feeling humiliated or ridiculed. When you express your discomfort or offense, they dismiss your feelings, claiming that you’re “too sensitive” or “can’t take a joke.”

This behaviour can be deeply damaging, as it erodes your confidence and self-worth over time.

Overprotection

What might initially seem like caring behaviour can quickly become controlling. Your partner may demand to know where you are and who you’re with at all times, insisting on constant updates and even requiring proof of your whereabouts. They might impose strict curfews or restrictions, justifying it as genuine concern for your safety. In reality, this is a subtle yet powerful form of control, designed to monitor and limit your freedom under the guise of protection.

Unprovoked Jealousy

Your partner may express distrust or jealousy towards the friends and family you interact with, even without any valid reason. They might accuse your loved ones of trying to turn you against them, or insist that you spend less time with those close to you. The key motivation behind this behaviour is isolation.

Over time, the abuser’s demands create friction, making it harder for you to maintain relationships outside the partnership. Eventually, your social circle shrinks, and it feels easier to withdraw from others to avoid the constant arguments or emotional manipulation. What starts as subtle jealousy often grows into complete isolation, leaving you feeling like it’s just you and them against the world.

Financial Control

What may begin as well-intentioned advice about managing money can quickly escalate into controlling behaviour. Your spending is constantly monitored and questioned, and you no longer have the freedom to make decisions about the money you’ve earned. Even when it comes to your own personal purchases, your partner's approval becomes a necessity.

You may find yourself excluded from any financial discussions, with your partner making all the decisions about how money is spent. The ability to buy anything without their consent is slowly stripped away, leaving you financially dependent and increasingly powerless.

Grand Gestures

When your partner’s behaviour crosses a line, they may try to overcompensate with a sudden grand gesture to win you back. This could be treating you to an expensive meal or planning an extravagant weekend getaway. The purpose of these gestures is to buy your silence, to cover up their wrongdoings, and to manipulate the narrative.

These grand gestures are not about genuine remorse or making things right—they are intended to create a false image of the relationship. By showering you with gifts or lavish attention, they aim to convince others, especially those closest to you, that the relationship is healthy, loving, and perfect, all while distracting from the underlying issues.

Lack of Empathy

Your partner consistently fails to show compassion for your struggles or emotions, dismissing your concerns as insignificant. When you express feelings or difficulties, they judge you as being "too emotional" or "overreacting." This behaviour is a subtle form of control, designed to invalidate your feelings and shift the focus entirely onto their own needs and issues.

By undermining your emotions and minimising your experiences, they pressure you to neglect your own well-being and become preoccupied with their perspective, creating a toxic imbalance in the relationship.

Preferring to Be by Yourself

You may begin to feel a sense of relief when your partner announces they will be out for the evening or away for a few days. The reason behind this is the constant stress of trying to meet their demands and please them. With them gone, you experience a brief reprieve from the overwhelming pressure of being controlled and scrutinised.

In these moments of solitude, it can feel like a weight has been lifted—finally, you have space to breathe, think clearly, and feel some semblance of freedom. Unfortunately, this sense of relief highlights how much emotional strain and control have been exerted on you when your partner is present.

Emotional Stonewalling

At times, your partner may emotionally and physically withdraw from you for days on end, often without offering any explanation. They refuse to engage in conversation, avoiding eye contact and responding with cold silence. This behavior creates an emotional distance, leaving you feeling isolated and confused.

The silence and emotional withdrawal are meant to communicate one thing: that whatever the issue is, it’s your fault. This form of punishment leaves you questioning yourself, trying to figure out what you’ve done wrong, while your partner refuses to offer clarity or resolution. It’s a form of control that leaves you powerless, as they maintain an unspoken, yet powerful, dominance over the relationship.

Once you have taken the brave step to leave an abusive relationship, the abuse doesn’t always end—especially when you share children with the perpetrator. This is known as post-separation abuse.

Even after leaving the relationship, the abuser may continue to exert control, manipulate, and harass you, using shared children, legal systems, or financial matters to maintain power over your life. This form of abuse can take many shapes, including emotional manipulation, legal battles, and financial control. Learn more about post-separation abuse below:

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