Censoring The Experiences of Others

Sometimes, for the sake of our own comfort, we dodge difficult conversations. This can become particularly harmful when we are refusing to engage in something that relates to our own privilege.

Tone Policing: "Let's Keep Things Civil"

Tone policing is when we dismiss or minimize the substance of what someone has said because it was said with emotion or a directness that makes us uncomfortable.

It's important to distinguish this from what we discussed earlier about the way we deliver feedback. When you are providing critical feedback on someone's Computer Science work, you are not talking about your own feelings and experiences. They are the one in the more vulnerable position. If they refuse to hear what you are saying, it can interfere with their learning and the primary goal of that interaction is to facilitate their learning.

In situations where tone policing occurs, the primary goal is for someone to communicate their point of view. Especially if they are talking about their personal experiences or have strong feelings about what they are saying, they are the one in a more vulnerable position. In that situation, you should do your best to hear the substance of what they have to say and respect the way they feel. The most important thing is to not invalidate their feelings. Ideally, the strength of their emotion should make you listen harder, not tune them out.

Some examples of tone policing language:

• "You'd have an easier time getting people to listen if you didn't sound so angry."

• "You're obviously too upset to see this issue clearly."

• "I'll listen to you once you calm down."

Tone policing happens most often to people who are stereotyped as being overly emotional or angry. It is a way to silence people whose painful experiences are inconvenient to think about for those who don't share them.

The next time you find yourself tempted to discount someone's point of view because of the way they said it, ask yourself whether their tone would bother you if you happened to agree with the substance of what they were saying.

Gaslighting: "Are you sure? That never happens to me..."

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation to make the person on the receiving end question their perception of reality. While the person doing the gaslighting might not be fully aware of the impact they are having, it is still an alarmingly common form of emotional abuse that can do lasting harm.

Some examples of gaslighting:

• Denying the validity of someone else's experience

• Intentionally withholding important information to make someone look incompetent

• "Forgetting" to invite someone, then making them feel bad for not showing up

• Being dismissive or acting hurt when someone tries to establish a personal boundary