Published: August 13, 2026

Do We Really Know What We Want?

In my last blog, I talked about our needs in relationships and about commitment. I talked about how easy it has become to keep our options open, because we live in a time where we are constantly reminded that there could always be something else, someone else, another choice. And I still think there is something peaceful about reaching a point in life where you know what you want. Not because you are settling, but because you are choosing.

This time, I want to talk a little more about our wants.

When you ask someone, “What are you looking for in a man?” or “What are you looking for in a woman?”, most people already know what to say.

Someone honest. Someone respectful. Someone supportive. Someone who makes me laugh. Someone I am attracted to. Someone who enjoys the same things I do.

Maybe someone wants a tall man. Maybe someone wants an ambitious woman. Maybe faith is important. Maybe culture is important. Maybe family is important.

And honestly, all of these things are valid. What you want matters.

But there is one question I think we sometimes forget to ask:

Does this person want the same thing that I want?

Someone can make you laugh. They can be honest with you. They can support you. They can be respectful. They can be everything you thought you were looking for.

But do they want marriage if you want marriage?

Do they want children if you want children?

Do they want to build a family?

Do they actually want commitment, or do they just like the idea of commitment somewhere in the future?

Because there is a difference between saying, “Yes, I want to get married someday,” and actually living in a way that is taking you toward marriage.

And I think the word someday is interesting.

A lot of us say, “I want a family someday.” “I want to settle down eventually.” “I want marriage when the time is right.”

But when is someday?

Of course, life does not always go according to plan. You cannot decide that you are getting married next year and magically produce the right person. Finding someone you are compatible with takes time. Life happens. Careers happen. Money becomes an issue. People move countries. People have responsibilities.

But I still believe that when we really want something, our actions start moving toward it.

If I genuinely want marriage, the way I date should somehow reflect that.

If having children is very important to me, that is probably something I need to know about the person I am building a relationship with.

If I know that I want to settle down, staying for years with someone who repeatedly tells me they do not know what they want is also a decision.

That is where I keep coming back to one sentence:

You do not have to walk at the same pace, but you need to be walking in the same direction.

You might not be at exactly the same place in life.

One person might be more established financially. One might be further in their career. One might need a little more time before marriage. One may be dealing with responsibilities that the other person does not have.

That does not automatically mean you are incompatible.

But if one person is walking toward building a family and the other person is walking toward keeping all their options open, eventually that distance is going to show.

And this is also where I think we need to stop looking only at the other person.

We spend so much time saying, “I want this. I want that. He needs to be this way. She needs to be that way.”

But what about us?

What do I value?

What are my principles?

What are my morals?

What kind of relationship do I actually want?

What does commitment mean to me?

What do I bring into a relationship?

Do my own actions match the things I say I want from someone else?

I think knowing yourself is one of the most underestimated parts of finding a partner.

There is a saying people sometimes use when a marriage ends shortly after the wedding: “They wanted a wedding, not a marriage.”

I think that sentence is heavier than it sounds.

Because a wedding can be beautiful. We think about the dress, the venue, the flowers, the food, the photos, the videos. We imagine posting it on Instagram, TikTok or YouTube. We can spend months or even years planning one day.

And there is nothing wrong with wanting a beautiful wedding.

But the wedding is one day.

The marriage is what comes afterwards.

That is where real life begins.

You are suddenly building a life with another person who has their own personality, history, habits, fears, ambitions and expectations.

And that person is going to change.

So are you.

I know people often say that personality does not really change, but I think people do change in many ways. We grow. We meet different people. We gain responsibilities. We experience loss. We become stressed. We become tired. We become more confident in some areas and less certain in others.

Life changes us.

There are going to be happy moments. There are going to be low moments. There will be periods where everything feels easy, and there may be times where simply getting through the week feels difficult.

And the person beside you is often the person who will experience those changes most closely.

That is why marriage, to me, cannot simply be “happily ever after.”

The wedding is not the ending of the story.

It is the beginning.

And if we know that people grow and life changes, then the person we choose needs to be someone we can grow beside. Someone who can understand that we are not going to remain exactly the same people forever, just as we need to understand that about them.

That is also why actions matter so much.

We can all say the right things.

“I am supportive.”

“I believe in communication.”

“I want a family.”

“I am ready for commitment.”

But do our actions show it?

Because saying something is very easy.

Living it is different.

Growth in a relationship is not something you work on for six months and then finish. It is not a phase. It keeps happening. Every day you are learning something about yourself, about your partner and about the life you are building together.

And this thinking has become part of how I created Metsamdti.

Metsamdti did not start because I thought the world needed another place where people could scroll through profiles.

It actually started from my own experiences with relationships, from things I felt were missing, and from conversations I was having with people around me.

The more I listened, the more I started thinking: there has to be another way of approaching this.

And while building Metsamdti, I have also been learning a lot myself. I have been reading about relationships, listening to podcasts, looking into compatibility, needs, values and the things that make relationships work or fall apart.

A lot of what I share here is coming from that process.

And that is also why the Metsamdti questionnaires are not only about telling us what type of person you want.

They are also meant to make you reflect on you.

What matters to you?

What kind of future are you looking for?

What do you value?

What are your emotional needs?

What are your principles?

What can you compromise on?

What can you not compromise on?

What does family mean to you?

What does commitment mean to you?

Sometimes we think we know ourselves until someone actually asks us these questions.

And maybe that is one of the first steps of intentional dating.

Before asking, “Where is my person?”, maybe we need to ask, “Where am I actually going?”

Marriage and divorce statistics around the world also remind us that this is not a small subject. Millions of people marry every year, and millions of relationships also come to an end. In the European Union alone, around 1.7 million marriages and about 700,000 divorces were recorded in 2024.

Of course, that does not mean those divorces came from the marriages that happened that same year, and it definitely does not mean every marriage ended for the same reason. Every relationship has its own story, and sometimes ending a marriage is the healthiest decision a person can make.

But numbers like that still make me think.

We put so much energy into finding someone.

Maybe we should put just as much energy into understanding what we are trying to build with them.

So maybe the question is not only:

What do you want in a partner?

Maybe it is also:

What do you want your life to look like?

And once you know that, does the person beside you want to build something that can exist alongside it?

You do not need to have exactly the same personality.

You do not need to like every same activity.

You do not need to reach every milestone at exactly the same time.

You don't even have to walk at the same pace.

But if you are choosing to build a life together, you should know whether you are walking in the same direction.

And maybe before we ask someone else where they are going, we should be able to answer that question for ourselves too.