Message from the Counselor
Dear Leslie,
Lately, when we have been around various friends or relatives, I see them hugging my child. I can see from the look on my child’s face that he doesn’t like this. Honestly, I’ve never been much of a ‘hugger’ myself so I don’t see why my child should have to accept this invasion of his space. Yet somehow he seems to feel he has to accept it. I don’t think this is right. Is it rude if my child says he doesn’t want a hug?
Signed,
How About Hugging?
Dear How About,
Your child is entitled to the same rights as adults. I have experienced adults saying to me, “Actually I am not big on hugging.” Then I back off because, unlike you, I am actually a hugger. We are not all wired in the same way so everyone’s boundaries are different. In short, no, it is not rude if your child says they don’t want a hug.
The question is how can this be done without causing offence? How about, “I don’t really hug people so can we shake hands instead?” or “Let’s just have a hi-five.”
It is important for children to learn at an early age that they need to say ‘no’ if they don’t want to be touched by others – in any way. It can be very difficult for a child to trust their inner feelings about this if they are forced to let others hug them when it just doesn’t feel comfortable for them.
We don’t want to encourage children to ignore their own intuition. Who knows what might happen down the road, if we have told them that they must always comply when asked to hug or kiss. They could be taken advantage of by others who may want to sexually abuse them. So, instead, ask them, “Would you like to hug Uncle Fred or would you rather give him a picture you drew or even a handshake?”
Tell your children that they have the choice and that you will support them because they may be intimidated by a person who is much bigger and stronger than they are.
Remember, it is our job as parents to help our children learn to listen to and trust their instincts, .
I have attached an excellent short youtube on the subject as well as 3 brief articles
- Consent for Kids
- Kids hugging: that’s no big deal. Or so I used to think
- DON’T FORCE THE HUG
- Why you shouldn’t force your kids to hug relatives
Supporting you in helping your children define their boundaries,
Leslie Corcos
Counsellor