Message from the Counselor

Dear Leslie

Sometimes my child comes home and tells me they’ve been in an argument or fight with someone who’s been mean to them. I dive right in, criticizing that other child and taking my child’s side. I get so steamed up and hate the stress I feel.

Any suggestions?

Signed,

Argument anxiety

Dear Argument,

In order to avoid your own stress by joining in the fight to rescue your child, how about doing some active listening instead?

“You sound pretty upset.”

“It’s so hurtful when someone is mean to us.”

“What happened?”

“What ideas have you got for handling this?”

“If that didn’t work what else could you try?”

By asking these questions it’s actually a great opportunity to help develop your child’s executive function which lies in the pre frontal cortex of the brain. This area is not fully connected until the age of 30 and it’s functions are: feeling empathy, understanding the consequences of our actions, and self control, among others. By asking the right questions we can actually speed the growth of this important area.

It’s important not to treat our children as victims or they will begin to see themselves as victims, an unhealthy mindset. Instead show faith in your child and encourage them to be assertive. You could even offer to role play a situation with them so they can practice what they’re going to say the next time.

If your child wants to take a break from a particular friendship, respect her decision and be open to letting her talk about it with you.

Of course, it goes without saying, that if the situation is extreme and your child cannot handle it themselves then you may need to speak to the teacher or to me.

I attach two articles and a recent book title written on this topic which may be of some help.

Leslie Corcos

Counsellor

corcosl@mefis.k12.tr