Embedded Files
This blog features writing by members of the MacEwan Anti-Violence Education Network, known as MAVEN. MAVEN is a team of student Peer Educators who aim to educate and engage the MacEwan University community in dialogue about sexual violence.
Witnessing Relationship Violence: A Family's Experiences Navigating an Abusive Relationship
Witnessing Relationship Violence: A Family's Experiences Navigating an Abusive Relationship
By Kastyn Konieczny
*Trigger Warning: Discussions of relationship abuse/intimate partner violence.*
Relationship abuse is a difficult thing -- no question about it. When we look at the whole picture of relationship abuse, it is intricate, complicated, and devastating.
I knew that as a MAVEN I wanted to cover this subject at some point in my writing. Why? Because I have witnessed the impact and ripple effects of relationship abuse in my own life. Someone I love experienced relationship abuse, and I saw the development of these abusive behaviours, start to finish.
This experience was one of the hardest things I have had to witness. My life was forever changed once I realized the impact of relationship abuse. It was incredibly difficult for my loved one, of course. However, I could have never guessed how much it would affect the dynamics of a family and friendships as well. People who didn't experience the abuse firsthand were impacted, which was something I didn't know was possible.
While conducting research for this blog, I found plenty of resources that offered support and insight into the impact of relationship abuse on the victim and any children who might witness it in the home, which is important. However, I couldn't help but think -- what about the victims' mothers? Fathers? Sisters, brothers, friends, guardians? Where were their stories? So, considering the information and insight I would have liked to have when I was a witness to relationship abuse, I want to provide a real-life account of how relationship abuse changed a family, and what they learned from it. In this blog, I will share interviews of a victim and her family's experiences dealing with an abusive relationship, as well as suggestions for supporting victims.
I hope that reading this blog may help you spot the subtle signs of abuse, whether that is for yourself or a loved one. I want people to know that it is a hard road, but there is support available. And lastly, with support, there can be a light at the end of the tunnel. I want to thank Lisa for allowing me to share her experience, as well as her family members. Before sharing the insights my interviewees provided on their experiences, I want to leave this quote here from https://www.loveisrespect.org:
“The only person responsible for abusive behavior is the person committing the abuse, and only they can decide to change. It’s not your responsibility to “save” someone and they know more about their situation than you do.
It’s normal to spend a lot of time and energy trying to fix a problem that causes so much pain to people you care about, but ultimately you can only control your own actions, not those of an abusive partner. Instead, spend that time learning about power and control and the reasons why people abuse to better inform your support for others.”
Their Experiences
*All names have been changed.*Their Experiences
Lisa
Lisa
K: Thank you so much for sharing your experience. First off, what is your understanding of relationship abuse? Has it changed at all since you went through this?
L: Yes, it has changed since that relationship I had. Beforehand, I thought abuse was only physical. I learned through this that it could be emotional and verbal as well, which was like my experience.
**Note: Relationship abuse can take many forms, something that everyone may not know. Some common forms of relationship abuse include verbal, emotional, financial, sexual, digital, stalking, and spiritual. Visit https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/ to learn more.
K: What was the beginning like? I ask this because it is not uncommon in abusive relationships to experience extreme “highs” in the beginning, so the abuser can establish an attachment which is later used against the other partner.
L: Yes, that seems to be how these relationships go. That is what happened with us, where it was very light at the start before his true self began to show through.
K: Was there a point when you began to think that the relationship was becoming abusive?
L: Yes, I started to realize that after our relationship technically ended but we were still in contact with each other. I had held out hope that we were going to get back together, and he knew that. He didn't feel the same way, but he used my hope as a manipulator. I know now that this wasn’t right, though it was hard to see at the time.
K: Did you see an impact on the rest of your life as a result of this relationship? Was there a shift in your other relationships?
L: Yes, negatively and positively. Negatively, my grades suffered really badly. My health declined and I lost an unhealthy amount of weight. My family suffered with me too, which then affected our relationships with each other.
I do see a positive effect now though: it has better equipped me in my relationships now to evaluate situations. I now feel like I have power over my life, which I didn't feel at the time. I now know that I don't have to settle for a bad relationship.
K: Were there any supports missing at this time that you wish you would have had?
L: Personally, I wish I would have surrounded myself with more females that maybe knew what I was going through. I didn't feel like I had many genuine friends to turn to at the time.
K: Yes, Having supportive friends and contacts can help individuals in these situations so they don’t feel so alone in such an isolating experience. Overall, what was the biggest lesson you received from this relationship?
L: That I had and do have the power to change situations that I don’t like or don't make me happy. It was hard to come to this realization though because I felt so stuck. There was a time that I thought life wasn’t possible without this person. Eventually, I decided to make a change and start living happier. Many gave me advice and their opinion for a long time, but I had to get there on my own.
K: If you could talk to yourself at the beginning of the relationship, what would you say to her?
L: I would say that if it didn't work the first time, the chances of it working the second time are slim if they are displaying the same behaviours.
K: Do you have any advice for girls that are getting into relationships who may experience this as well?
L: I would just say you are not capable of changing people that don’t want to change themselves. Stand up for yourself in the best way you can, and move towards things that make you happy -- sometimes, that means leaving that person.
Shanelle (Lisa's little sister)
Shanelle (Lisa's little sister)
K: Thank you for sharing your experience today. First off, what is your general understanding of relationship abuse?
S: I know it can be financial, mental, and physical. I found out about relationship abuse in school, as well as from my boyfriend, who saw his mother experience it a lot growing up.
K: What was your general first impression of Landon? I ask this because abusers sometimes wear a “mask” around their partner’s loved ones, to establish trust and seem harmless. This can further confuse the person being abused, as their perceptions are being manipulated.
S: I thought he was funny, but I never saw his behaviour away from our family. I know that some people can put on a face in public but be different privately, which I never saw. Overall, I just thought he was nice.
K: Did you ever have a feeling of “this isn’t right” when Lisa talked about him?
S: I knew that what he was saying wasn’t very nice, but I didn’t think I could ever say that because I didn't want to tell her what to do.
K: Was there ever a time where you were concerned for her?
S: I never thought she would be physically hurt, But I was worried that she kept going back to him.
**Note: It is common for those in abusive relationships to not leave for a while. They may be in a state of mind where they don't believe it is possible, safe, or necessary to do so. As a supporter, it is important to practice empathy and understanding during this time. It can also be helpful to do research and learn the reasons why leaving can be so difficult.**
K: How did it affect you, seeing all that was happening? What did you learn from it?
S: Seeing Lisa go through all this really confirmed for me what I didn't want to experience. I learned pretty early on what behaviours were abusive, and how to detect them. I have always been the kind of person who vocalizes when I am unhappy. I saw that in Lisa’s case, however, that's not always safe or really possible.
The biggest thing I learned from the experience is that it’s really important to consider how I feel in my relationships. I don't ever want to be in a relationship where I am truly unhappy, so I try to assess my feelings lots in my current one. If I ever feel like I am not happy, I will begin to take steps so that is no longer the case.
K: Absolutely. Do you feel as if you have a better understanding of abusive behaviour after this experience?
S: Yes, I do.
Ellen (Lisa's mother)
Ellen (Lisa's mother)
K: Thank you for allowing me to interview you for this article. First off, what is your understanding of relationship abuse today? How has it changed since watching Lisa go through it?
E: I know more about relationship abuse now than when I was younger. I know that it encompasses many aspects, and it is not only physical. My understanding has changed since Lisa’s experience in the way that I am more aware of the signs now. I learned this pretty fast as it was happening to someone so close to me, so I took the time to sort through it rather than just dismissing it and saying, “oh, that sucks,” which is something I may have done before.
K: What was your first impression of Landon?
E: We thought he was a good person. He played lots of sports, so it was nice to go watch him and cheer him on. Overall, he seemed to be a good person and a good fit in our family.
K: When did you begin to realize that maybe this relationship was entering abusive territory?
E: When Lisa would mention things that Landon said to her that were not respectful or kind, or things that would happen when she would visit his house, away from us. He started to act really manipulative.
K: Did you see an impact on the family unit at this time?
E: Absolutely. I saw a significant effect on our family in terms of our emotions, stress, relationship with Lisa and our relationships with our other daughters. Our relations with each other became very complicated.
I saw change in my husband in the sense that he became very angry at the situation, which is very unlike him. He was like me in the sense that he didn’t think about it much at the beginning, and figured that it would work itself out. However, as time went on we began to realize this was bigger than we had thought and it wasn’t going to just ‘go away’.
It was hard to not have that communication in our family, and we became worried about her at all times. It was also stressful to watch all the negatives that came about in Lisa’s life both directly and indirectly from this relationship with Landon. It was hard to see her change into a different person, so unlike the lively person she was before.
Overall, the effect on our family was big, and it was hard.
K: What was the hardest thing, as a mother, to deal with during this time?
E: To so clearly see that this was a horrible relationship, and not having her see that for so long. It was hard to see her struggle time and time again in this situation. The other thing was that it was negatively impacting her life in a big way. It affected her studies and her relationships with us and her friends. Another difficult thing was seeing her health decline so much.
K: For sure. Often it is difficult for the person in the situation to see it for what it is, due to confusion, pain, or many other things. Once that dynamic is formed in the relationship, the situation becomes much more complicated. These differing views between Lisa and you were probably really hard, but unfortunately quite common.
What was the biggest lesson you learned through all of this? Have you been able to find a sense of peace?
E: Yes, I have been able to make peace with the situation. The biggest lesson I learned was that it would have been helpful to take a more active role, even though she was older, at the age of around 16-18. Going back, we would have maybe restricted her phone use or set more boundaries. It was a difficult situation because we still wanted her to have her autonomy and find her way, we didn't want to tell her what to do. But at the end of the day, she was still young enough that we wished we were more active in the situation.
We also learned that patience is crucial. It was difficult to experience the whole process, but we had to learn to be patient with her in this unfortunate time. We also learned how important support is. I reached out to a professional about how to handle the situation, as well as how to help her in the best way I could.
K: if you could give any advice to other mothers experiencing this, what would it be?
E: I would really recommend open communication with your child. Teach them how to recognize the signs, and what dangerous relationship behaviours can be. If you see abusive behaviours in your child’s relationship, take action early and offer guidance to them. Keep asking them questions and what they believe to be healthy behaviours. I am a believer in gut feelings -- if you believe something is wrong deep in your heart, that is probably the case. So keep that line of communication open at all times!
When I look back at this time, I see a family under tremendous pain, watching their loved one go through an experience that no one should ever have to. I know this because Lisa, Shanelle and Ellen are close family members of mine, and I was a significant support figure for Lisa. If I could go back in time, I would tell myself that I needed to take care of myself during this time as well. When we become constant support for others, we tend to neglect ourselves. This is exactly what happened to me -- my grades suffered significantly, I started to have horrible nightmares, and all of my energy was spent worrying about the situation at hand. There eventually came a day where I realized that I simply didn't have the power to change the situation and that the support I was giving needed to develop some healthy boundaries.
Supporting the people we love can be fulfilling, but draining. We tend to want to take the situation, fix it and rid our loved one of the pain they are feeling. However, this is most likely not possible. Therefore, it is important to find realistic support practices that also keep your sanity and health in mind:
Communicate with the individual, and tell them that a line of communication is always open. Check up on them and ask how they are feeling.
Try to avoid telling the individual what they should and shouldn’t do. As outsiders to the situation, it can be hard to know the full scope of what is happening. Additionally, victims can feel as if their autonomy is being questioned when they are already in such a sensitive situation.
Try to make peace with the fact that we can’t magically “fix” everything, as much as we may want to. Remind yourself that you can only control your own actions and seemingly small acts of support can make a big difference.
Lastly, it is crucial to set healthy boundaries to protect yourself in the best way you can, while still being a good support. Creating boundaries as a supporter can sometimes induce feelings of guilt in us, but remember that oftentimes we can give our best support when we are caring for our own mental and physical health too.
Every situation of relationship abuse is difficult, and often requires different methods of support. It is incredibly hard to watch someone close to you go through something so complex and draining. The lessons I learned throughout this time however were invaluable as I learned how significant the scope of abuse is, how to step into a healthy support role, and how to find hope in the entire situation. We as supporters need to take care of ourselves too, it is just as important in order to be effective in this role.
Resources & Articles used
Resources & Articles used
https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/
https://www.loveisrespect.org/supporting-others/support-a-family-member/
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/is-your-loved-one-in-an-abusive-relationship/
Child Sexual Abuse Infographic
Child Sexual Abuse Infographic
November 19th is World Day for the Prevention of Child Abuse. In accordance with this important day, MAVEN Peer Educator Anika Gahun has created a useful infographic on child sexual abuse.
Take a look and learn some helpful skills to recognize and intervene in this type of abuse.
Bounce With Boundaries
Bounce With Boundaries
By Elina, Jessica & Shannon. March 23, 2022.
What are Boundaries?
What are Boundaries?
Boundaries are expressions of our internal limits. They show up in a lot of different ways in various aspects of our lives. In fact, did you know that there are six types of boundaries?
Emotional
Physical
Sexual
Time
Intellectual
Material
It is important to note that each individual has a right to determine their own limits; no one else can set boundaries for you. While it’s important to set your own boundaries, it’s equally important to respect other people’s boundaries since they are often shaped by unique personal experiences. That’s why openly communicating about them is vital!
Boundaries are essential because they:
Allow us to have some control and agency in each area of our lives
Help to guide our relationships and interactions with others, since every person in our life brings different personal experiences and limits with them
Enhance the relationship we have with ourselves
Are a continuous presence in our lives; they can always change as we grow
Check out this additional TikTok resource unpacking myths about boundaries.
Now let’s get ready to bounce with boundaries as we discuss the first type of boundary: Emotional Boundaries!
Emotional Boundaries
Emotional Boundaries
This type of boundary has to do with protecting one’s own emotions, and keeping our own emotions separate from the emotions of others in a relationship. Setting emotional boundaries with someone allows you to express what you’re comfortable with and where you draw a line emotionally.
Setting emotional boundaries can be done in a variety of relationships including romantic or family relationships as well as friendships. You can think of setting these boundaries as a chance to communicate what you need in a relationship and to know what someone else requires as well!
Sometimes it feels like physical boundaries - literally taking a step back from a situation or interaction - are easier than emotional boundaries. So let’s explore strategies for taking a step back or drawing a line emotionally!
Some ways that this type of boundary can show up is knowing it's okay to say no OR standing up for yourself to say yes to something! It could be not feeling the need to say anything, or not apologizing if you haven't done anything wrong.
Another way emotional boundaries can come up is when dealing with sensitive or personal information with others. You get to decide how and when you’re able to help someone with something. And you get to decide who you want to share certain things with. For example, there may be people in your life that you love spending time with, but don’t want to share secrets with!
You can explore your own emotional boundaries by reflecting on some questions:
Are there aspects of my life that I’m not comfortable sharing with anyone?
Are there certain people in my life that I am not fully comfortable sharing personal information with?
How can I make space in my relationships to hear someone else’s boundaries?
Physical Boundaries
Physical Boundaries
Physical Boundaries are probably the easiest type of boundary to pinpoint and define. They usually include a person’s needs for personal space, their comfort with touch, and physical needs like needing to rest, eat food, and drink water.
For example, one person might have strict boundaries around hugging, but another person might be fine hugging anyone, including strangers. We’re all different and unique in our physical boundaries! Also, during a pandemic, people may be more likely to have strict boundaries around shaking hands or sharing food with others.
Physical boundaries can show up in many environments, such as school or work. They can look like having boundaries about where to study or who to study with, or when to pick up work-related calls and when not to. To understand your physical boundaries better, you can answer these questions:
Can you identify your personal needs?
Do you know how to meet those needs in a healthy way?
How comfortable are you with setting some time aside for yourself?
Are you comfortable with saying no? And if not, What can you do to make saying no a bit easier?
Sexual Boundaries
Sexual Boundaries
A sexual boundary marks your own personal limits around anything connected to sex.
Some examples are having boundaries against making out in public, or having boundaries about where and when you are comfortable with certain sexual activities.
Soooo why are sexual boundaries important? Having healthy and clear sexual boundaries can help improve the quality of the sexual experience. And by respecting and having clear communication about each others’ boundaries, the trust and comfort level between sexual partners can also be increased.
You can explore your sexual boundaries by reflecting on these questions:
Can you identify your sexual boundaries?
Do you know how to communicate your boundaries with your sexual partner?
How do you know when you enjoy or do not enjoy a sexual act?
Do you have a safety word with your sexual partner?
And remember, boundaries are made not to push others away, but to allow them to love you the way you want and deserve.
Time Boundaries
Time Boundaries
You may have heard the term “time is valuable,” which basically means that how we use and balance our time is incredibly important for our well-being. Let’s look at some statistics:
According to Trafft, there was a 15% increase in time spent on work over the last two decades. Within that same period, personal time has reduced by 33%.
1 in 3 people have experienced feelings of guilt when they choose personal time. (Birchbox)
The COVID-19 pandemic has overwhelmed many Canadian workers, according to a 2022 Ceridian Report. In fact, 83% of these workers have reported experiencing burnout.
Setting time boundaries can help you understand how you want to prioritize your time. It also helps you establish your limits!
Time boundaries can show up in various areas of your life such as in relationships, work, and our time socializing with friends. Not sure how to establish them? You are not alone! Here are some helpful examples if the situations calls for it:
“I can only stay for an hour.”
“I am busy this week. Is there another time that works?”
“Thank you for your message. I will respond to you when I return to work on Monday.”
If we feel like we’ve overcommitted ourselves in one or more of these areas, it is a good time to reflect on our boundaries by asking ourselves:
How much time do I want to commit just for myself every day/week?
What are my priorities? Which areas of my life do I want to set aside more time for?
How will I establish these boundaries in my relationships, in my workplace, etc?
It is important to note that other people’s time is just as precious as ours, and that respect goes both ways!
Intellectual Boundaries
Intellectual Boundaries
Let’s move on to Intellectual Boundaries! Intellectual boundaries help you recognize that your thoughts and ideas should be respected, and establish limits if you feel like they have been disrespected. They can also help you recognize and respect other people’s thoughts and ideas. These boundaries can show up in:
Casual conversations (with friends, families, colleagues)
When we are communicating our ideas to other people
When we are considering whether it’s a good time to talk to someone about a particular subject (e.g., politics, personal issues, etc.)
Establishing intellectual boundaries can sound like:
“I know we disagree, but I won’t let you belittle me like that.”
“We can talk about our political views another time. I don’t think this conversation is appropriate during a family dinner.”
“We have different opinions about this and I can respect that. We can agree to disagree.”
When our intellectual boundaries are honoured, we feel respected. However, when they are violated, we feel belittled, dismissed, and even shut down.
We can explore our intellectual boundaries by asking ourselves:
What are some signs that can notify me when it is a good time to avoid or leave a discussion?
Am I okay with friendly debates? How about heated debates?
How can I communicate my intellectual boundaries when I feel like they are being violated?
How can I show others that I respect their thoughts and ideas?
It is important to note that we are not encouraging you to accept ALL thoughts and ideas, including harmful opinions such as racism, homophobia, sexism, etc. YOU get to establish who YOU want to have healthy intellectual discussions with, and sometimes that means not tolerating harmful opinions from others!
Material Boundaries
Material Boundaries
Finally, let’s dive into Material Boundaries! These boundaries involve protecting one’s property such as our physical space, including our home or office, and our personal belongings! A lot of people vary in how they treat, value and respect what belongs to them. For this reason, it is important to check in with those in our lives about how they want us to interact with their belongings. It's important to treat other people, and their belongings, with respect. As well, you can communicate when someone isn’t treating your things or space as you want them to be treated.
Material boundaries can show up in more ways than we may realize. For instance, you might decide that you can’t afford to share something with someone or you worked really hard for something and you simply don’t want to share it with anyone. These are valid boundaries.
You may have experienced lending someone something and never getting it back. I think we all know someone who never returns a tupperware container or a book! There are some alternatives you can practice in this instance. Remember it’s okay to set a boundary and not share the item in the first place. And we can do so without being rude. For instance, if you’re having a tupperware thief over for supper, ask them to bring their own dish for leftovers! Or if someone asks to borrow your new favourite book, offer them the location of where you bought it and send them the title and author instead.
It’s also possible to still lend the item, but set clear expectations about it’s return. For instance, when sharing a book with a friend, you could say, “Could you please bring the book back to me the next time we hang out. I want to make sure we don’t forget about it.”
These material boundaries go for your personal space as well. There may be certain people in your life that you don’t want to have in your house. Or maybe when you have friends over there are certain rooms that you like to keep private, such as your bedroom. These are important and valid boundaries to hold.
It is equally as important to respect or check in on other people’s material boundaries. If someone doesn’t want to share something with you or have you over, it doesn’t matter the reason. We never know what people are going through or each person's boundaries regarding their belongings.
Here are some ways you can explore your material boundaries. Ask yourself:
In what ways can I share my belongings?
Who am I willing to share my space and certain belongings with?
How can I make space in my relationships to acknowledge and respect the belongings of others?
Am I able to afford to share something right now?
You may have heard the expression, “sharing is caring”, but remember: mindfully sharing is caring for yourself!
I hope you guys have enjoyed learning about boundaries with us!
Human Trafficking in Canada
Human Trafficking in Canada
By Sean Mochan & Amanda Jelley. May 21, 2021.
“Human trafficking” - when I heard this phrase growing up, I always thought of the movie Taken. A young girl and her friend, innocently traveling thousands of miles away from home in a foreign city only to be violently kidnapped out of their hotel room and inducted into a trafficking ring to be sold for sex. It wasn’t until I was sitting in a gender studies classroom during my Sophomore year of University that I learned human trafficking happens everywhere, including in Canada. It’s occurring right in front of us, in our own city, in our own community. So, what does human trafficking in Canada really look like?
What is Human Trafficking?
What is Human Trafficking?
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police report that human trafficking in all its forms generates around $150 billion in profits worldwide every single year. But what forms does it take? An easy way to understand what human trafficking is is through the “Action, Means, Purpose” model - traffickers undertake ACTION using various MEANS for the PURPOSE of exploiting people:
*Image from ACT Alberta*
In Taken, the traffickers ACTED by transferring and harbouring the girls by MEANS of abducting, forcing, and threatening them for the PURPOSE of sexual exploitation. However, even though this is what many of us picture when we think of ‘human trafficking’, it’s rarely how it actually occurs in Canada.
Across Canada, the most common form of trafficking is sex trafficking, and the majority of victims are women and girls. However, trafficking is carried out in different ways than we might think.
How Does it Happen?
How Does it Happen?
According to The Canadian Centre To End Human Trafficking (CCTEHT), some common ways that traffickers will approach potential victims are by:
Pretending to be a potential friend or romantic partner
Posing as an employer by posting ads online
Making contact through social media
In all of these scenarios, it’s often the case that the trafficker will make promises of a better life through money, a romantic relationship, or career/educational opportunities. Once traffickers have made contact with the people they’re looking to exploit, there are many things they’ll do to stop victims from leaving:
Physically hold them hostage
Coerce them — using threats and intimidation towards the victim and/or their loved ones to make them too fearful to leave
Deceive them into staying
Introduce or force substance use onto them as a way of creating dependency
Traffickers make enticing promises to lure people, then use violence and coercion to gain power and control over people so that they can use them for their own profit, regardless of the harm it causes. To gain this power and control over victims, they also target specific people more than others.
Who's it Happening to and Who's Doing it?
Who's it Happening to and Who's Doing it?
While anyone can be affected by trafficking, traffickers are strategic in who they target, mainly preying upon people in vulnerable situations. Folks experiencing some sort of social or economic disadvantage are most often targeted, this may include:
Migrants and new immigrants
People living with disabilities
At-risk youth, especially children and youth in the foster care system
LGBTQ2S+ folks
Young adults (with 18 to 24-year-olds making up 45% of the victims in Canada)
Women (who make up 97% of victims in Canada)
Indigenous people (particularly Indigenous women)
These people may be more likely to accept promises of a better life because of the oppression they face.
There is less known about traffickers themselves. However, despite what many people may think, traffickers are most commonly someone already known to the victim. In Canada, 92% of human trafficking cases are perpetrated by someone known to the victim. Another misconception is that all traffickers are male. While men are more often perpetrating this kind of exploitation, a fair chunk of traffickers are also women. They can also be of any age but are generally 18 or older.
Where is it Happening?
Where is it Happening?
According to Stats Canada, while 90% of human trafficking incidents were reported in census metropolitan areas, humans are being trafficked all throughout Canada – in large urban centers, as well as smaller cities and communities.
Importantly, traffickers will use location as a way of entrenching victims in exploitation; CCTEHT says traffickers are able to avoid detection by transporting victims to various hotels and provinces that are unfamiliar and far from the victim’s friends and family. This makes finding help and support much more difficult for victims.
What Can We Do?
What Can We Do?
Knowing the basics of human trafficking is vital for being able to recognize when you, someone you know, or a stranger might be being targeted by traffickers. If we know exploiters’ tactics, we can be better equipped to recognize when it’s happening and take action. If you want to learn more signs of human trafficking you can check here.
When you sense something is wrong it can be helpful to know strategies to intervene as a bystander, which you can learn more about here. Alternatively, if you believe you or someone else is being trafficked you can use the Canadian Trafficking Hotline to connect with support or reporting options.
When a crime thrives by being hidden, we can help dismantle it by bringing it into the light; stay aware of it, speak about it, and support those who are harmed by it. We hope that this piece has been helpful in any or all of those areas.
The Bystander Effect: What it is and how to challenge it
The Bystander Effect: What it is and how to challenge it
by Elina Banh. April 26, 2021.
Imagine you are walking on the street and suddenly an individual passes out near you. What would you do? Would you come and help the person right away? Or would you stand and wait for someone else to do it?
Many would answer that they would immediately intervene and help the fainted person. However, in reality, when there are many people around, fewer people are willing to help due to the bystander effect.
In situations relating to sexual violence, recognizing the bystander effect and finding ways to intervene can help prevent and limit harm and create a culture where sexual violence is not tolerated.
What is the bystander effect?
What is the bystander effect?
The term refers to a psychological phenomenon where people's will to intervene in an emergency decreases as the number of people around them increases (Cherry, 2020). Just like the example above, when an emergency occurs in a public place, people will feel less inclined to intervene than when there are little to no witnesses.
It is like an inverse equation: the more people are present, the less people are willing to act.
What stops people from providing help?
What stops people from providing help?
As the saying goes, "the opposite of action is not inaction, it's indifference." The primary reason for the bystander effect is not about one's inability to help, but rather about one's refusal to do so, and let’s discover why:
- Diffusion of Responsibility
Psychologists claim that the theory of diffusion of responsibility can be one of the bystander effects' leading causes (Walsh, 2014). The theory states that when one is surrounded by many people, the responsibility of helping feels less personal. As a result, the responsibility is diffused by the people around you. For example, if someone falls in public, you might want to help them stand up, but because others are also witnessing the scene, you defer the responsibility of helping to other people. This short video explains the concept very well.
- Pluralistic Ignorance:
In order to help someone, one must acknowledge the emergency first. However, sometimes you fail to do so because others' reactions or responses are not similar to yours. Thus, if you sense trouble but then ignore it because of others' calm reactions, you will not be able to intervene or prevent it from escalating. Pluralistic ignorance is the name for this mental phenomenon (Emeghara, 2020).
It might be surprising to know that pluralistic ignorance frequently affects our daily life. For instance, think of a time in your life when you may have wanted to ask a question, but you looked around and saw that no one else seemed to be puzzled. So, you didn’t ask the question because you assumed you were the only one who had it.
That was a simple scenario, but what would happen if the situation was more serious, such as seeing someone drowning or being bullied? This is why it can be helpful to remind ourselves to trust our gut instincts and be willing to find ways to take action (see the 5 D’s below for some good options).
- Fear of Judgments and Uncertainty:
When a situation occurs in public, it attracts attention from anyone nearby. So if one decides to interfere, that person will be the center of attention; all eyes will be on the individual. For people that are not used to receiving attention, becoming the helper in public can be a stressful situation. It could bring up negative thoughts like "What if I mess up?" or "What if I cannot solve the situation but worsen it instead?" Those thoughts tend to complicate the instincts to help, stopping people from taking action. Due to this reason, many choose to step aside and expect others to be the "hero of the day."
How can we prevent the bystander effect and offer help?
How can we prevent the bystander effect and offer help?
There are many ways to overcome the bystander effect, from directly intervening or asking others to do it with you. However, it is essential to be aware of the thoughts that you are having, realizing that they are the symptoms of the Bystander Effect, and knowing different strategies for intervening:
The 5 D's of Intervening:
The 5 D's of Intervening:
Direct
Direct
This means that you decide to intervene directly by being involved in the situation.
Depending on the situation, there are many ways to intervene. If you see someone doing an unfavourable act in public, saying "Hey, can you please stop it?" can be an example, or politely interrupting the situation by asking them to go somewhere else.
Or you can turn to the victim in the situation and ask if they are alright or need some help.
Distract
Distract
For some people, they might choose to approach the situation differently, and distracting from it can be an effective solution.
Distract means you can diffuse the situation by redirecting the attention away from what is happening.
For example, if a person is being harassed on the bus, you can interrupt by pretending to be the person's friend and starting a new conversation. Or asking someone involved for directions to interrupt the harassment.
Delegate
Delegate
Get help from a third party, such as the police, security, a teacher, an adult, or someone you trust. This option is especially helpful in situations where we don’t feel confident or safe intervening by ourselves.
Delay
Delay
Sometimes intervening at the moment isn’t possible so, instead, you might choose to offer support to the victim afterwards. For example, coming to the victim and asking if they would like help after seeing him or her being sexually harassed by someone. You could offer to help them yourself, help them find someone they trust or provide them with other resources so they know where to seek further support. And remember to respect their wishes if they tell you they don’t want your help.
Document
Document
Document the situation for the victim in case they might want evidence of the incident for legal reasons. This is mainly for situations where others have already taken other actions to intervene. Remember that, if you choose this option, you should give the victim full control over what happens with that documentation — they can decide if they want to use it, who sees it, or whether they want it kept or deleted.
Helping is not difficult; providing a hand or asking someone if they are alright can be simple yet helpful gestures. You never know for sure if someone needs help, so let's all cross that uncertainty and offer help when we see an emergency.
Similarly, when it comes to sexual violence, it is vital to trust your instinct and step up when you sense something abnormal. The action you take might be small, but it can positively change a situation.
Therefore, we must fight against this phenomenon and take action, to create a culture of consent, and safe society for everyone.
Resources
Resources
Cherry, K. (2020). How Psychology explains the Bystander Effect. Verywellmind. https://www.verywellmind.com/the-bystander-effect-2795899
Emeghara, U. (2020). Bystander Effect and Diffusion of Responsibility. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/bystander-effect.html
Walsh, J. (2014, Feb 10). [Khan Academy]. Bystander Effect. [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/175ig2I9rt0
A Quick Look Into Toxic Masculinity
A Quick Look Into Toxic Masculinity
by Kaitlin McBride. March 8, 2021.
Additional Resources on Toxic Masculinity:
Sexual Coercion in the Workplace: What It Looks Like – Then and Now
Sexual Coercion in the Workplace: What It Looks Like – Then and Now
by Sean Mochan. December 3, 2020.
As an HR major, I knew right away that I wanted to write a blog post about what sexual harassment in the workplace really looks like. In the initial planning stage of this blog, I called my mom to get her opinion on which direction I should go. What she told me, honestly, left me speechless. I consider my mom to be one of my best friends, so I was shocked when I learned she had experienced this type of harassment first-hand.
The year was 1982: a time in history that is distinct in my mother’s memory, marked primarily by three events: buying her first shoulder-pad-clad power suit, listening to ABBA for hours on vinyl, and being sexually harassed by her professor for months while completing her final practicum. She was 21 years old – 3 years younger than I am right now. In my mom’s own words, here’s what happened:
*Some names and identifying details have been changed in order to protect the privacy of individuals*
“His name was Jerry. He started out teaching one of my classes at university. I wrote a paper for him and at the bottom he wrote “Please come and see me”. When I went to see him, he asked me if I had my practicum for the following semester placed. I told him I did not. He asked me if I would like to do a “personalized” practicum with him.
Once I went to work there, he started to groom me. This included taking me for lunch most days of the week. Just the two of us. He never took any of his other students for lunch. We would have daily meetings, while other students met at most only once a week, and he would always close the door to his office. I much later found out from another student that the door was always open for all other practicum student meetings.
He kept asking me about my personal life and my relationship with my partner at the time, who would later become my husband and the father of my children. He then kept, at first, sadly insinuating that my relationship with my partner would not work out as we were too young. As time went on it became less and less subtle. At one point during our office meeting he kissed me. I rejected that kiss and told him I was not interested. He continued to attempt to groom me by telling me how special I was, how he had never met anyone like me, how brilliant I was, how well-spoken I was, how interesting I was.
One of the other practicum students asked me if I was having an affair with him. This was pretty early on. I remember being shocked and saying, “oh my God no.” And she, who was older, said to me: “he wants everyone to think you are and you need to be careful.” She was rather implying he was setting me up. But she had known me from our classes together, and she liked me. It was obvious from her comments that I had been a topic of discussion amongst the other practicum students. They had started to treat me very differently. I found I was excluded from lunches and coffees etc.
When I made it very clear I was not interested, he forced me to go on a road trip to another city with him. I think it was a two- or three-hour drive. He said it was required that I attend this presentation that he was doing. In the end I agreed to the presentation with him because he made it very clear that he would fail me if I did not attend. Unfortunately, it was winter. When we got there, it started to snow. He insisted that we spend the night in a hotel. I insisted we went home. It got ugly. I won. We drove home. During the drive home he was relentless. Telling me what a mistake I was making with my life spending it with my partner. Reaffirming that it was never going to work out; that I was foolish to be in that relationship. I remember there was a lot of silence. That was very near the end of the school year. I don’t think he spoke to me again after that. I submitted my written work to him. He refused to release a mark for me. I needed a pass in order to gain admission to law school. It was simply a pass or fail course and there was no way my essay was not a pass. Eventually I started to get acceptance to law school, but they were conditional upon a passing grade in that practicum. Finally, The University of Ottawa contacted me and told me if my grade was not released by the end of the week that they would have to give my spot to another student. Ultimately this resulted in me calling him at his place of work. When I called him, he said to me “funny you should call. I was just sitting here trying to decide whether to pass or fail you.”
Years later, I got on a plane for business purposes and the gentleman in the seat next to me and I started chatting. He told me where he worked. I said, “oh my gosh do you know Jerry?” He told me that, “yes of course he did,” they worked in the same department at his office. I asked him to please give him a message for me – that I indeed had been practicing law for a few years now that I thought of him often in light of my graduation from law school. I hope that scared the shit out of him.
At 21 years of age you are easily flattered by someone playing into the things you want to believe about yourself. Namely that you are special; that you are so fantastically bright; that you are so beautiful. Later, you come to question whether you led him on. Didn’t you enjoy those compliments? Weren’t you a little flirtatious with him? Didn’t you allow him to leave the door to the office open or closed without questioning it? Didn’t you agree to go for all those lunches with him and let him pay every single time because he insisted on it? As I got older it made me angrier; I was so young, and he really made me question myself. And it really had an impact on my relationship with men. I really questioned why they wanted to be friends with me after that happened. Other than your dad I really didn’t discuss this with anyone for years. I think I felt partially responsible and foolish for what had happened."
I called my friend later that day to tell her about what my mom had gone through. She surprised me by letting me know her practicum teacher had also sexually harassed her. Similarly, it began with him grooming her with compliments, paying special attention to her and finding ways to separate her from the group. Thankfully, my friend had an inclination that something was seriously off with him and the situation and told her University’s administration what was going on. She attributes her awareness that something was off, the fact that she held him 100% responsible for his behaviour, and her confidence that her school would support her and respond appropriately, to the circa 2018 #MeToo era. She noted that she was deeply moved by women from all across the workforce – actresses, chefs, athletes, teachers, cleaners, construction workers, and so on – who spoke to their experiences without shame. She also expressed how encouraging it was to see the public outpour of support for victims of sexual violence, an awe-inspiring display I’m sure my mother would have much benefitted from had it happened only 36 years sooner.
Two women I love and admire, separated by more than 30 years, opposite sides of the country and completely different degrees, ended up having really similar experiences. Stats Canada writes that “Overall 19% of women and 13% of men reported that they had experienced harassment in their workplace in the past year.” Clearly, there is work that still needs to be done and improvements that can be made. It’s unfortunate that workplace harassment is still happening across every kind of industry; while that piece has remained rather stagnant, what seems to have improved is the public opinion surrounding sexual harassment. The events of 1982 left my mother feeling isolated, anxious, and ultimately, guilty for something that was not at all her fault. However, when very similar events took place in 2019, my friend felt brave, supported, and blameless: proof that things are changing and that the continuous work that’s been done in this area is worth it. However, sexual harassment is still happening. Now that victims have more access to support, it’s high time we look to prevent the harassment from happening in the first place.
Check out these resources to learn more about sexual harassment, and how to protect yourself against and deal with sexual harassment in the workplace:
· https://www.themuse.com/advice/how-to-deal-with-sexual-harassment-at-work#definition
· http://www.ohrc.on.ca/en/sexual-harassment-employment-fact-sheet
Self Care: Rest Your Mind, Rest Your Body
Self Care: Rest Your Mind, Rest Your Body
by Elina Banh. November 8, 2020.
Hey you right there! You probably clicked on this blog because your body is asking for some rest but you have no clue how to do it, or maybe because you just want to know more about self-care. If this feels true for you, then you have come to the right place since this blog is all about self-care!
When it comes to the topic of self-care, many people have a general idea of what it looks like, such as eating healthily, having a proper sleep schedule, or doing yoga every day. These particular methods can be helpful forms of self-care, but they can also seem to be such significant and long-term commitments, which make self-care seem like either an incredibly luxurious or disciplined process. However, self-care is not a luxury, but a necessity.
As the pandemic continues to alter our lives dramatically, many of us struggle with feeling isolated, unmotivated, and stressed while trying to adapt to the “new normal.” Following limited social interactions, online school and work have heavily impacted many people’s mental health. Therefore, in order to overcome this hardship, as students, it might be helpful to know some self-care tips to nurture and maintain our mental health.
First of all, let’s discuss what self-care and how it’s connected to mental health.
What is self-care?
What is self-care?
Self-care is a process of prioritizing your physical and mental needs (Michael, 2016). Self-care can fit into different aspects of our lives, such as physical (working out, playing sports), psychological (personal reflection, journaling), relational (spending time with loved ones), or spiritual (meditating, doing yoga). Practicing self-care can balance your state of mind, as well as get your mind ready for the challenges ahead.
What is the role of self-care in the mental health realm?
What is the role of self-care in the mental health realm?
Here’s one way to think about the relationship between mental health and self care: imagine that everyone wakes up with a neutral mental state, which is at “zero”, and that the number increases or decreases as responses to events and stressors throughout their days (Iman Hariri-Kia, 2018). For instance, the number lowers when you feel stressed about school, or anxious about an exam. Practicing some self-care tips can help you increase the number and boost your mental health.
Here are some useful self-care tips that can prevent you from feeling overwhelmed or experiencing burnout:
Here are some useful self-care tips that can prevent you from feeling overwhelmed or experiencing burnout:
Give yourself a moment of emptiness
Give yourself a moment of emptiness
In this generation, we are always busy. Many are busy balancing school and work simultaneously. Hence, your mind is working all the time. So, when you start to feel stressed or worn out, it can be helpful to give your brain a few seconds of emptiness — a break. One technique you could try is to breathe mindfully:
Stop what you are doing and take a deep breath with your nose. Feel the air enter and travel down your body. Feel your lungs expanding and your body rising. Now exhale slowly through your mouth and feel the air leave your body. Do it several times, and you can feel your mind lightens. It is alright if your mind starts to wander somewhere else. The purpose of this is to let your brain have a tiny, teeny break so it can recharge some energy.
Do some physical activities
Do some physical activities
Attending school online means sitting in front of the laptop in the same spot for most of the day. Sometimes, your mind and body might need a break from the intensive screen time and sitting. That is when you can do some activities to get your body moving. The action can be effortless and small, such as going for a short walk, standing up from your chair for a few seconds, or moving to a brighter studying spot. Getting some fresh air outside is also an effective way to boost your mental health. However, remember to wear masks and wash your hands afterward!
Prioritize your needs
Prioritize your needs
When you are stuck in a stress cycle, your body usually knows some methods to escape it. For instance, you may suddenly get the urge to get off work early, work out, go to sleep early, or spend time alone. Those are signals from your body, reminding you to take care of yourself. In simple words, those are your needs. Therefore, whenever you sense the signals, listen to them so that you can take a break from all the hustle and bustle!
It can be difficult to prioritize your needs, especially when there is external pressure, such as deadlines, examinations or the ongoing work of balancing work and study. For instance, you might feel guilty about taking time to rest due to the intensive workload from school, or miss your meals to complete your assignments. However, it is crucial to keep yourself healthy so you can cope with stress better. And, ultimately, you’ll be more productive if you’re taking care of your own needs than you would be overexerting yourself.
It is okay to cry
It is okay to cry
When things get incredibly hectic or suffocating, you feel stuck and tired, and you feel like crying. Please do not hold it back. Cry it out.
Many of us view crying as a weakness. However, crying proves to help release stress, regulate emotions, and even help you sleep better. Imagine you spot one of your old friends in a coffee shop. You release your excitement and happiness by running to that friend and saying hi. Similarly, crying is a release of your emotions hidden within your body. It can be really useful to let the uncomfortable feelings escape your body so your mind can have room to re-energize. Remember that crying is not a weakness; it is the courage to confront and let go of your difficult emotions.
You should check out this great story, which delivers the similar message: Tear Balloon by Tum Ulit
Reconnect with your loved ones
Reconnect with your loved ones
This pandemic has limited many social interactions. It is common to feel unmotivated, lonely, or stuck. These feelings might remind you to reach out to your loved ones, such as your parents, family members, or a close friend to strengthen those precious connections. Simply check-in with your close ones to tell them how much you miss them and update them with your daily life. Those small but meaningful interactions do not only increase your gratitude and happiness but also enhance your sense of belonging and your mental health.
Many people view self-care as something that takes a lot of money. However, after reading this blog, I hope you will start to consider self-care as a basic tool to calm your state of mind and that can be used with or without spending money. I hope you find this blog helpful and gain some tips for yourself.
For additional resources, this is an informative and amazing podcast talking about ways to prevent burnout by Brene Brown with Emily and Amelia Nagoski: Burnout and How to Complete the Stress Cycle. They discuss different ways to deal with stress, and I think you will gain some useful knowledge about self-care, like I did! Also, this Tedx Talks video presented by Susannah Winters includes lots of insightful ideas about self-care: Self Care: What It Really Is.
Lastly, I am so honored and grateful for your time reading this blog and remember: you've got to nourish to flourish.
The Role of Empathy in Supporting People Impacted by Sexual Violence
The Role of Empathy in Supporting People Impacted by Sexual Violence
by Kastyn Konieczny. November 3, 2020.
Conversation and exploration of sexual assault in our world has allowed for more insight of the obstacles that sexual violence survivors face every day. While in recent years more positive attention and work has been brought forth to support survivors, there is still much more to be done. This work is done in an attempt to combat rape culture. For those who are unfamiliar with the concept, rape culture is a term that describes the societal minimization and validation of pervasive sexual violence. Individuals experience rape culture in many different forms: they could be perpetrating it, fighting it, experiencing it, watching it… and the list goes on. As a young woman, I see the effects of rape culture all the time. Fighting rape culture has become a part of my everyday life through my work with MAVEN, watching my friends experience it, and, of course, having my own personal encounters with it. Take a minute to consider how sad this is! Something that I believe is essential in combatting rape culture is acting with empathy.
When I think about my own relationship with empathy, I tie my strong connection with it back to my upbringing. I grew up in a small Albertan town, where I formed close relationships with many people in my community and made lifetime friendships. However, there was a noticeable lack of empathy. I always felt that there was an underlying expectation that you stayed in your lane and that you were never to speak out or disturb the order. It was always hard to come across genuine empathy in difficult situations such as sexual assault. A significant example of this in my life was one I will not soon forget. A girl that I knew from home had come to me and disclosed a recent experience of sexual abuse. The perpetrator was someone well known in our community. I made sure to let her know that I was there for whatever she needed. Later that night, I was talking with a group of acquaintances. They knew about the allegations and brushed them off, saying that she must be lying to get attention. This blew my mind, as I wondered what made them come to that conclusion. This got me thinking, why are people so quick to minimize others’ experiences? Why aren't people showing more empathy? This missing piece in my community drove me to learn as much as I could to be a good supporter and continues to make me want to be as empathetic as I can.
When and if we are ever in the support role for a sexual assault survivor, empathy is one of the most valuable traits to demonstrate. For those who aren't familiar with the term, empathy is commonly described as being able to understand or imagine the feelings of others, and how those feelings are shaping their experiences. Check out the following video from Brene Brown on empathy versus sympathy for a great explanation!
So why is empathy so important anyways? Well, empathy is pretty well the core aspect of listening and believing. By listening to that individual’s experience, we are taking the time to show this person that their account is of value. Their feelings are of value. THEY are of value. The beauty of listening in the supporter’s role is that, while it doesn't take much work, it holds great importance. In many cases, letting the individual speak without interruption is exactly the support they need in that moment. These are some points that are significant to being a good listener:
Listen fully. Make the conscious effort to clear your mind and commit yourself fully to their words in that moment.
Maintaining eye contact if they are comfortable.
Listen without interrupting.
Avoid pressing or invasive questions. They may not be comfortable with sharing certain things.
Showing empathy can be as simple as lending your ear. This is a big reason why I think empathy is so important. Even though it is something so small, it can mean the world. I like to think about it like this – if you were to fall and break your leg, would you be more comforted by someone who held you and tried to understand your pain, or someone who told you to buck up and walk it off? Think about it! While this is a simplistic analogy, support for each individual is unique, like their experiences of sexual assault. Because of this, their support needs can be quite complex. However, the spirit of empathy in both situations is quite similar.
One thing that some people get wrong about empathy is that they believe they need to have gone through the same experience as the person they are supporting in order to show empathy and be a good supporter. I know that I have felt this way at times! I believe that this misconception illustrates why empathy is so important. It is flexible in the sense that we can show it to everyone in all situations, no matter our own personal experiences. Even if we don’t know exactly what they are going through, we can still listen and imagine how they may be feeling. It may be helpful to think, what would I want from my supporter if I were in their shoes?
When we’re receiving disclosures of sexual assault, we don’t have to pretend that we know exactly how the person disclosing to us is feeling. In a way, this isn't even possible as everyone handles situations in their own way! Sometimes, all we need to do is sit tight and listen, because that might be exactly what they need. After learning all that I have about empathy throughout my life, I think it is safe to say that some are more likely to be empathetic than others. Just like most people can probably identify a “helper” in their life, they can probably think of someone that is the complete opposite. And that is okay! Not everyone will be comfortable in being a direct support, but empathy is a skill that can be learned, and it’s important that everyone work to develop it, and to direct the survivors to resources that may be helpful to them. Here are some ways that we can work on and develop our empathy in terms of supporting survivors of sexual violence:
Learn what you can and do your research! MacEwan’s Office of Sexual Violence Prevention, Education and Response has helpful information to get you started.
Make the effort to stay educated throughout your life. There are always new things to learn!
Participate in initiatives and events involving sexual assault prevention.
Use your voice! Tell others what you have learned and already know.
There are many people that have never heard of empathy, so fill them in and let them know how they can show it.
Learning and practicing empathy is not something that is limited to instances of sexual assault survivor support! We can show the principles of empathy in every single part of our lives: at our home, at school, at the grocery store… there is no limit to being an understanding and supportive individual. Try to think of at least one time in the day that you practiced empathy, every day. Research in mindfulness has shown us that being conscious of what we do (yes, including acts of empathy) not only helps us to be better supports but contributes to our own well being as well.
When it comes to victim support, empathy is potentially the most useful quality we can exemplify. One of the most effective ways we can combat rape culture and sexual violence is by being understanding human beings. Through empathy and the understanding it creates, we can continue the process of creating a world without sexual violence.
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