A part of adulthood is consciously choosing what relationship you want to have with your family members. Prior to becoming a student in college, familial relationships and roles can seem fixed. You were born into a certain family and social location and you must adapt to the roles you have been dealt. Oftentimes college is the first time that students are forced to figure out who they are and how they relate to others completely independent of their family context. For some, graduation is a critical time when students are confronted with reconciling who they were (i.e. their familial role and how their family sees and interacts with them) and who they are now.
Between now and graduation (or sometime after), it may be helpful for you to reflect upon what kind of relationship you want to cultivate with your family members as an adult. How do you want to integrate your family with your current sense of self and identity? What parts of your personhood (i.e. values, dreams, concerns, beliefs, foibles, etc.) do you want to share with your family and what parts do you feel like you may need to protect? What role do you want to play in your family now as an adult? And if doing this alone (maybe drafting thoughts by journaling) sounds unrealistic or daunting, maybe consider contacting one of the below campus departments—especially a same-day Drop-In Counseling session at the Hamre Health & Wellness Center.
Spiritual/religious insight: Center for Religious and Spiritual Life, 651-696-6298; religiouslife@macalester.edu
Cultural/identity insight:
Department of Multicultural Life, 651-696-6243; dml@macalester.edu
Center for Religious and Spiritual Life, 651-696-6298; religiouslife@macalester.edu
Personal wellness insight: Laurie Hamre Center for Health and Wellness, 651-696-6275; health@macalester.edu
Students with disabilities insight: Disability Services, 651-696-6974; disabilityservices@macalester.edu
Talking to a mental health professional can be a good first step to clarify your family struggles, because you can then hear more personalized resources—ones that may be specific to your situation. Visit the Mental Health & Holistic Wellbeing category for mental health resource ideas--especially low cost or free drop-in options.
There are many interpersonal self-help tools, but here are two favorites that can be helpful at improving communication, especially connecting across differences with family or friends:
1. TEDxTalk--NVC explained (10min)
2. Oprah Soul Series Interview-- Inquiry explained (20min)
There are many interpersonal self-help tools, but here are two favorites that can be helpful at improving communication, especially connecting across differences:
1. www.thework.com to help clarify thinking, especially about relationship conflict
~4 easy-to-remember questions to challenge any thoughts
~video examples of real people doing this kind of work on relationships
~easy phone app that helps you challenge your thinking anytime, anywhere
~free phone line to process your thinking applying the 4 questions
2. A specific communication model is “Nonviolent Communication” (NVC) also known as “Compassionate Communication” which is actually more of an awareness building too that helps you better clarify feelings and needs and learn empathy—both for yourself and others.
o NVC Communication App (Google)
o NVC Communication App (Apple
List names of supportive people in your life who know your family and are able to listen to you. List the best way to get hold of them (text, chat, etc).
List days and times during the graduation week that you know you will need extra support (e.g. after events that you may not be able to avoid family tension).
Make a plan to match up support people to all the times that you need them. Be proactive and contact your support system in advance!
A part of adulthood is consciously choosing what relationship you want to have with your family members. Prior to becoming a student in college, familial relationships and roles can seem fixed. You were born into a certain family and social location and you must adapt to the roles you have been dealt. Oftentimes college is the first time that students are forced to figure out who they are and how they relate to others completely independent of their family context. For some, graduation is a critical time when students are confronted with reconciling who they were (i.e. their familial role and how their family sees and interact with them) and who they have now
Between now and graduation, it may be helpful for you to reflect upon what kind of relationship you want to cultivate with your family members as an adult. How do you want to integrate your family with your current sense of self and identity? What parts of your personhood (i.e. values, dreams, concerns, beliefs, foibles, etc.) do you want to share with your family and what parts do you feel like you may need to protect? What role do you want to play in your family now as an adult?