Support for Parents & Guardians during a Critical Incident
Parent / Guardian Information & Useful Contact Page
Compiled from the Department of Education and Skills NEPS Guidelines for Schools
FAQ - Parents
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS (PARENTS)
The following is a summary of questions frequently asked by parents after a critical incident.
Q. This incident has upset my daughter/son. As there are many rumours circulating, I would like to know what really happened. How can I find that information?
A. The school will inform students and parents of the core details of the incident insofar as they are known. It sometimes takes some time for the true facts to emerge. In the meantime, it is important to stick to the facts as known. Discourage rumour or gossip as it is often incorrect and can be distressing for the families and friends of those involved. Information on social media is not reliable and always needs to be checked.
Q. Will help be available to the students in the school?
A. This will depend on the particular situation. The school will usually put a plan in place for supporting students. This support may include classroom discussion, small group discussion or individual support for students who need it. If there is particular concern about your son or daughter, you will be informed.
Q. How can I help my child?
A. You are the natural support for your child. He/she may want to discuss their feelings and thoughts with you. You can help by listening carefully. You should tell them it is ok to feel the way they do, that people react in many different ways and that they should talk rather than bottle things up. Advise on and monitor safe use of social media.
Q. How long will the grief last?
A. There is no quick answer to this. It varies from individual to individual and according to circumstances. It will also be affected by the closeness of the child to the event or to person who died. Memories of other bereavements may also be brought up by the incident. Be patient and understanding. It can take time.
Q. Since the incident occurred my child has difficulty in sleeping, complains of headaches etc. Can I be sure these are related to the incident?
A. Grief can affect one physically as well as emotionally and these and other symptoms may be part of a grief reaction. If they persist, consult a doctor for a check-up.
Q. If my child remains very upset what should I do?
A. If your child remains distressed after a period of six weeks or so, he/she may need additional support, but there is no fixed rule about the length of the grieving process. If you are very concerned at any point, it is best to seek more help through your GP/HSE Services.
Q. In what ways are adolescents different from other children?
A. During adolescence there are a lot of changes going on for young people and some may feel confused about themselves and the world around them. Grief tends to heighten these feelings and increase the confusion. At this time, too, the individual may look more to friends than to family for support and comfort. Don’t feel rejected by this. Just be available to listen when they need to talk and make sure they know you are there for them when they need you.
An tSeirbhís Náisiúnta Síceolaíochta Oideachais
National Educational Psychological Service (NEPS)
Ways to help your child through this difficult time.
Children do not need to be taught how to grieve. They will do it naturally and in healthy ways if we allow them and if we provide a safe atmosphere, permission and example to do so.
Listen carefully. Let them tell their story. Tell them that the reactions they are having are normal.
Pay extra attention, spend extra time with them, be more nurturing and comforting.
Reassure them that they are safe.
Don’t tell them that they are “lucky it wasn’t worse”. People are not consoled by such statements.
Instead, tell them that you are sorry such an event has occurred and you want to understand and help them.
Do not be surprised by changes in behaviour or personality. They will return to their usual selves in time.
Don’t take their anger or other feelings personally. Help them to understand the relationship between anger and trauma. Help them find safe ways to express their feelings e.g. by drawing, taking exercise, or talking.
Understand that there is a wide range of emotions associated with grief and that some children and young people may be more likely to express emotions like anger rather than sadness. Recognise that displays of risky behaviour, defiance or aggression may be your child’s way to avoid feeling the pain, hurt and/or fear they are experiencing. Notice their emotional state, help them label what they are feeling, and show empathy and understanding so they feel less alone with their emotions.
When going out, let them know where you are going and when you will be back. If you are out for a long time, telephone and reassure them.
Tolerate regressive behaviour such as nail biting, thumb sucking, or the need for a night light
Share your own experience of being frightened of something and getting through it.
If they are feeling guilt or shame, emphasise that they did not choose for this to happen and that they are not to blame. Even if they were angry with the person who died, or had been mean to them, this did not make it happen.
Work with the school support services and other available services.
As well as advising your child about appropriate use of social media, monitor their use, particularly during this vulnerable time. Useful website: www.webwise.ie
Useful Websites/Contacts
Find podcasts, links and more, available at any time.
An Irish website covering all aspects of health, lifestyle, culture and issues for young people. It’s an online youth information centre, a magazine, a health clinic, a contact directory, a youth media forum a take action initiative, a community building place and lots more. www.spunout.ie
A site that focuses on issues relating to youth in Ireland today.
A site that helps young people through tough times.
Useful Websites/Contacts
Mental Health Ireland aims to promote positive mental health and to actively support persons with a mental illness, their families and carers by identifying their needs and advocating their rights.
https://turn2me.org/youth instead of reachout.com
www.yourmentalhealth.ie – one stop shop for exploring mental health topics and services in Ireland. Free phone information line now available
Your Mental Health Information Line - 1800 111 888
www.connectingforlifemidwest.ie for most up to date 6 page resource that our office provides – it’s at the bottom of the page.
Coping with the aftermath of a Critical Incident
Normal feelings and thoughts at this time
Coping with a Critical Incident can be difficult and stressful. It can affect the way we feel, think and behave. The following information will help parents/guardians and students understand some of the feelings and reactions they may experience within hours, days or weeks after an event. There are also some suggestions on what may help them during this time.
Shock
Shock at what has happened. Things may feel unreal. Shock sometimes causes people to deny what has happened. This does not mean you do not care. You may feel like withdrawing, crying or becoming hysterical.
Fear
Fear about the unpredictability of everything especially life, of a similar incident happening again, of breaking down or losing control, of being alone.
Guilt
Feeling responsible in some way for what has happened even though you are being told you could not be, for not being able to make things better or not being able to help others, for being alive or better off than others.
Shame
Shame for not reacting as you thought you thought you should, for needing support from others.
Anger
Anger at someone or something, wanting to blame, wanting to blame for the injustice of the event.
Confusion
Confusion about the event, about how you should react, about having mixed feelings about everything.
Pain
Pain at the loss of the person, of associating this with other incidents, bereavements or losses that you may have experienced before.
Left out by People
People not acknowledging your involvement in the incident or your relationship with by people the person who is injured or deceased.
None of the Above
It may be because the student is not known to you.
Physical and behavioural reactions
It is quite normal to experience tiredness, sleeplessness, nightmares, headaches, loss behavioural or increase of appetite, bowel/bladder problems, loss of concentration, irritability. Sometimes people feel generally unwell.
What you can do to look after yourself
Talk
Try to talk about what happened and how you feel. Do not bottle things up. Sharing your experience with others who have had similar experiences may help. Let someone know if you are not coping well. If it is difficult to talk, keep a journal of how you are feeling or draw your experiences or emotions. You need to process the incident and allow it into your mind over time. With time you may need to talk or write about it. You may find that you dream about it over and over again. All this eventually helps you to accept what has happened.
Funeral
Going to the funeral or service may be appropriate.
Physical
Try to eat a regular meal three times a day.
Health
Make sure you take some exercise and also find ways to relax and rest.
Be careful not to use drink or other drugs to help you cope - they may numb the pain temporarily but can lead to other problems.
Seek help if you still feel any of the following four to six weeks after the event
• You cannot cope with or feel overwhelmed by your feelings.
• You (continue to) have nightmares.
• You experience sleeplessness.
• Intrusive thoughts about the event persist
• You begin to have problems in school
• You have been using excessive drinking, smoking or other drugs to help you cope since the event
Where can I get help?
If you are a student, always talk to your parents/guardians and/or see your School Counsellor.
If you are a concerned parent/guardian, visit your G.P. with your son/daughter and external counselling is available through your G.P
If you are a staff member, seek support from your GP and the LCETB employee assistance programme.
Bereavement supports and services
In early grief many people have strong feelings such as loneliness, worry and upset. But most people find their way through their grief with the support of friends and family.
If you need more support, there are organisations that provide:
helplines
bereavement self-help resources and support
support for people bereaved by suicide
counselling
You can continue to get support in a way that you are comfortable with. Many organisations offer both online and in-person support.
Helplines that offer bereavement support
Irish Hospice Foundation Bereavement Support Line
A confidential space for people to speak about their experience or to ask questions relating to the death of someone.
Freephone 1800 807 077 — Monday to Friday, 10am to 1pm
Barnardos Helpline
Bereavement information and support for children and families.
Phone 01 473 2110 — Monday to Thursday, 10am to 12pm
Childline (ISPCC)
Ireland's 24-hour national listening service for young people up to the age of 18. Calls and messages are answered by staff and volunteers who are trained to listen to children and young people.
Freephone 1800 666 666 any time
Text 50101 — 10am to 4pm every day
Chat online anytime at childline.ie
Pieta
Free individual counselling, therapy and support for people who have been bereaved by suicide and for people who are thinking about suicide.
Freephone 1800 247 247 any time
Text HELP to 51444 — standard message rates apply
Samaritans
Emotional support for anyone who is struggling to cope or needs someone to listen without judgement or pressure.
Freephone 116 123 any time
jo@samaritans.ie
Text About It
Text About It is a free, 24/7 service, providing everything from a calming chat to immediate support for your mental health and emotional wellbeing.
Free-text HELLO to 50808 for an anonymous chat with a trained volunteer, any time.
Organisations that offer bereavement resources and support
The ‘Bereavement: When someone close dies’ booklet describes practical and emotional issues that you may face when someone close dies.
Bereavement: When someone close dies (PDF, 3.4 MB, 57 pages)
This booklet and other free leaflets on grief from the HSE and the Irish Hospice Foundation are available to order or download:
From the Search by topic list, select 'Bereavement'.
The Irish Hospice Foundation
Information and resources for coping with grief in children, adolescents and families, including:
podcasts on grief and loss
guided practices on grief
videos on understanding loss and grief
Widow.ie
Provides information and self-help resources for widows, widowers and bereaved life partners.
Organisations for bereaved parents and families
Anam Cara
Supports parents after bereavement by signposting to services and providing information evenings in the community throughout the country.
Féileacáin
Provides support to anyone affected by the death of a baby during or after pregnancy.
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Ireland
Provides information for bereaved parents and healthcare staff about pregnancy and infant loss.
FirstLight
Provides crisis intervention and free professional counselling services to bereaved parents and family members who have suddenly lost a child up to 18 years.
A Little Lifetime Foundation
Provides information and support to bereaved parents and families.
Organisations for bereaved children
Barnardos
Specialist bereavement service where children and young people are supported to grieve. Provides information on grief in children, adolescents and families and free e-books.
The Irish Childhood Bereavement Network
Information and resources for coping with grief in children, adolescents and families.
Rainbows
Supports children and young people with bereavement or parental separation.
Supports for people bereaved by suicide
HUGG
Information and support groups for anyone over 18 years who has lost a loved one to suicide. Services are provided by people who have been bereaved by suicide.
Pieta
Free individual counselling, therapy and support for people who have been bereaved by suicide and for people who are thinking about suicide.
Freephone 1800 247 247 any time
Text HELP to 51444 — standard message rates apply
The Suicide Bereavement Liaison Service
Free, confidential service that provides assistance and support after the loss of a loved one to suicide. The liaison officer can meet with a bereaved family as a group or individually.
They can answer questions about some of the difficult practical issues following a death by suicide. They also provide guidance or assistance in accessing a therapeutic service, or even just to talk with someone locally about what has happened.
This service is provided by these agencies:
pieta.ie (nationwide)
vitahouse.org (Roscommon)
thefamilycentre.com (Mayo)
Clare Suicide Bereavement Support
Support for individuals, families and communities in Clare who are bereaved by suicide.
claresuicidebereavementsupport.com
Counselling services
Talk to your GP about counselling services.
If you are over 18 years of age and have a medical card, they can refer you for free counselling through the National Counselling Service (NCS).
You can also access counselling privately.
You can find qualified counsellors who specialise in bereavement, loss and grief through:
The Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (IACP)
The Irish Association of Humanistic and Integrative Psychotherapy
Related content
Coping with grief after bereavement or loss
Supporting someone who is grieving
STAFF - What you can do to look after yourself
Talk
Try to talk about what happened and how you feel. Do not bottle things up. Sharing your experience with others who have had similar experiences may help. Let someone know if you are not coping well. If it is difficult to talk, keep a journal of how you are feeling or draw your experiences or emotions. You need to process the incident and allow it into your mind over time. With time you may need to talk or write about it. You may find that you dream about it over and over again. All this eventually helps you to accept what has happened.
Funeral
Going to the funeral or service may be appropriate.
Physical
Try to eat a regular meal three times a day.
Health
Make sure you take some exercise and also find ways to relax and rest.
Be careful not to use drink or other drugs to help you cope - they may numb the pain temporarily but can lead to other problems.
Seek help if you still feel any of the following four to six weeks after the event
• You cannot cope with or feel overwhelmed by your feelings.
• You (continue to) have nightmares.
• You experience sleeplessness.
• Intrusive thoughts about the event persist
• You begin to have problems in school
• You have been using excessive drinking, smoking or other drugs to help you cope since the event
Where can I get help?
If you are a student, always talk to your parents/guardians and/or see your School Counsellor.
If you are a concerned parent/guardian, visit your G.P. with your son/daughter and external counselling is available through your G.P
If you are a staff member, seek support from your GP and the LCETB employee assistance programme.
STAFF
Limerick and Clare Education and Training Board
Limerick and Clare Education and Training Board
• You need to look after yourself
• You are normal and are having normal reactions to an abnormal event
• There are people you can talk to
• You may not experience any of the above feelings
There is little you can do to avoid these uncomfortable feelings and thoughts but there are things you can do to help you cope.