Satire

SATIRE: FACULTY SURPRISING STUDENTS WITH CHRISTMAS GIFTS

Published on Dec. 7, 2022

Story by Ricardo Hernandez

Faculty at Reseda High School are giving Christmas gifts to students of their choice before they leave for Winter Break.

Each faculty member must choose a student that they think deserves a gift. It could be a student that they think has improved the most or a student that maintained their good grades throughout this semester.

Students are excited to see if they get a gift from any of the faculty members, but then again, there are a lot of students at Reseda High School.

But don’t worry if you didn’t receive a gift because there's always next year. Students just need to maintain good grades and pass all of their classes or a faculty member needs to be able to see that you have improved in your academic learning skills.

So if a faculty member wants to give a student a gift, they must check their grades or their improvement in school, and if they are eligible, faculty can send them a gift. But some students might be disappointed because due to teachers not getting paid enough, the gift might be cheap or used, so get ready to pay extra to fix some things they give you. LOL

SATIRE: Reseda High School hides a scary secret in its tunnels

Published April 1, 2022

Story by Lauren Carpio

Reseda Charter High School was founded in 1955. It was the first school fully built in the San Fernando Valley after World War II, and it’s almost like they were in a bit of a rush.

As most students and staff know, the school has underground tunnels that are a hotbed of paranormal activity.

The tunnels connect to Birmingham High School. Birmingham was originally a hospital where many wounded soldiers were brought and died. It is said that the soldiers are lingering around, traveling between both schools and haunting the people there.

Students and staff have spoken out and said they’ve heard strange noises around campus, especially late at night or very early in the morning when it’s dark. Some even think they’ve seen things they can’t explain.

There is a rumor around school that one of those ghosts goes around punishing students who have failed a class.

Alanna Davis said, “I’ve heard the cries of students who have failed Dr. Wooten’s class.”

She was terrified that the ghost would come for her too, and didn’t even want to show up early in the morning to swim. Luckily though, “the ghost only spared me because I made up for the incomplete grade in the class,” Davis said.

In the 2019-2020 school year, the fire alarms would constantly go off — at least once every week — and it started to raise suspicions among students about there being paranormal activity.

Another student, Melissa Morales, believes that ghosts were the cause of the fire alarms going off.

“It’s obviously ghosts. There’s no other explanation,” Morales said. “I mean, no student would just randomly do that.”

She is scared of the idea of there being ghosts, which is why she is usually late to school, just to be on the safe side.

That’s not all. Just before Reseda High School was built, the Roswell incident occurred. In 1947, an extraterrestrial flying saucer fell on a ranch in New Mexico. Then it mysteriously was covered up by the government.

It is said that the military hid the Roswell spaceship in one of its facilities in Reseda, California. But what if it is hidden underground instead? It seems the city of Los Angeles was anxious to build its school and was pressured by either the aliens or the government to cover it up.

Students are not allowed to go inside the tunnels. If the school, the government and the FBI have nothing to hide, then there would be no need to keep it off limits. Coincidence? The Regent Roar thinks not.

Reseda is a school full of secrets and mystery. The truth may never be known about the ghosts and the aliens hidden in the tunnels unless the X-Files or the Men in Black show up.

Satire: School bathrooms closed due to illegal gambling ring

Published April 1, 2022

Story by Carlos Lopez

Ever since the “Devious Licks” trend took Tik Tok by storm, Reseda Charter officials have used fear of vandalism as the perfect opportunity to close half the bathrooms — except this time, an illegal gambling ring has moved in.

Some famous millionaires, billionaires, and criminals have taken up shop in the Reseda High School bathrooms to bet on horses racing at Santa Anita Park. They meet on Tuesdays after school.

Pablo Escobar and others like Jeff Bezos, Tom Brady, and Kanye West have been secretly using the S- Building’s bathroom ever since the closure and have earned over $2 billion per gambling session.

On Tuesdays, students are given an early day off to protect them from the illegal activity during the weekly gambling sessions.

Whatever students do, they should not go into the S-Building bathroom!

SATIRE: Football players reminisce about odd 2020 COVID season

Published April 1, 2022

Story by Roya Farahani

During the 2020 football season, players had to follow odd rules and endure strange conditions to be able to practice and play on the field every Friday night due to the COVID-19 pandemic.

Players had to be at least six feet apart during the whole game or risk forfeiting the win by breaking the rules. That meant no touching, huddles that spread across the entire field, and tackling pretend players.

To avoid postponing the season to Spring 2021, players were required to play in light-up Sketchers to make them easier to see in addition to hazmat suit uniforms to protect them from the virus.

Coaches were not fans.

An anonymous former football player said, “It was kind of fun. My favorite play was the 23-19!”

Games were often left at a tie, and the only option to settle a tie was to play an intense game of rock-paper-scissors. For the most part, players were spilling out of the end zones while battling for the win in a classical match of old-school roshambo.

“I dominated at rock-paper-scissors,” said a current senior. “Rock never lets me down.”

The season was crazy but worth it, and the team had a more “normal” season in Spring 2021.

Satire: Ms. Kaufman cancels production of yearbook as a form of stress management

Published April 1, 2022

Story by Pamela Mendoza

On March 30, Rachael Kaufman, a teacher and the Yearbook adviser at Reseda Charter High School, officially decided to cancel the yearbook, due to her stress levels being over the chart.

The end of the school year is right around the corner. Kaufman has to teach other classes on top of putting the yearbook together and it is a lot for her to take in.

Kaufman stated, “I have decided not to continue with Yearbook this year because I want to focus on my self-care and mental health.”

Teachers have been told to practice self-care and reduce their stress levels this year, so Kaufman has decided to take a break from dealing with the stress that yearbook brings.

Kaufman also said, “I might even quit my job next.” Her stress levels are so high that she might quit teaching and open a cat-café.

Students will not be receiving refunds for their pre-orders of the yearbook. “I’m taking the money and running,” said Kaufman.

This year, teachers have been so overwhelmed that they are making drastic decisions that will benefit their health and self-care.

SATIRE: Treasure buried in 1955 discovered as construction workers remodel Reseda High

Published April 1, 2022

Story by Vanessa Zelaya

Since 1955, it has been rumored for years that a millionaire buried thousands of dollars in hopes that future students would find and inherit it when he passed away. Although he left clues and maps all over the school, the treasure was never found.

Past students have searched every classroom, every locker and the cafeteria and even went to huge lengths to dig up the football field. Despite this, nobody found the treasure, so students began to believe that there was never any treasure to begin with.

As the years went by, Reseda had forgotten about this rumor until recently, when clues began to resurface.

On April 1, construction workers were removing and digging up concrete, when they “hit something hard.” Curious, they tried to pull this mysterious object out, and what they extracted appeared to be a treasure chest.

As soon as the workers opened the chest, they were in disbelief of what they saw. It was way too good to be true. Due to the fact that it’s not everyday you find something this valuable, they decided to not get involved and left the chest up for grabs.

Finders keepers, losers weepers. Which Reseda student will be lucky enough to find it?

SATIRE: Will Smith and Chris Rock Oscars slap is actually a “Euphoria” promo

Published April 1, 2022

Story by Esmeralda Sanchez

During the 2022 Oscars on March 27, Chris Rock made a joke about Will Smith’s wife while on stage, which sparked flame in Smith causing him to get up and slap Rock across the face.

Will Smith’s “slap heard around the world” closely resembles the slap Maddie gave to Cassie at Lexie’s play in “Euphoria.” Smith essentially did the same thing as Maddie in an oddly similar manner in a publicity stunt for the hit HBO series “Euphoria.”

Chris Rock joking about Smith’s wife mirrored the argument between Maddie and Cassie. Smith slapped Rock across the face, just as Maddie did with Cassie.

Turns out, there isn’t any real beef between the two, and Smith and Rock were just paid to promote “Euphoria” at the Oscars.

SATIRE: Reseda sports teams being added into EA sports games

Published April 1, 2022

Story by Ricardo Hernandez

EA Sports is excited to announce that Reseda’s own sports teams will be added to the most popular sports video games FIFA 22, Madden 22, NBA 2K 22 and MLB The Show 22.

Reseda’s soccer, football, basketball and baseball teams are honored to represent their school in the video games.

Sports game aficionados are excited to play their favorite sports games with their school teams. The school has received exclusive personal Ultimate and Limited Edition copies of each game with Reseda players on the cover.

The library will add four gaming stations so students can play the games at lunch and after school.

This is the first time EA sports has done this, and Reseda was the lucky school to be chosen to be represented in the video games. But it may not be the last time schools are added to the game. Watch out for new leagues with rival schools Cleveland, Cangoa, El Camino, Birmingham and Taft coming next year.