How to Communicate More Effectively With Your Son or Daughter
The following communication builders and blockers can help parents learn how to talk so their children want to listen and listen so their children will want to talk.
Checking
When we begin with the assumption that people grow and change from day to day and may have capabilities and resources that we are not aware of, we approach each situation as a unique opportunity. We try to actively and optimistically mirror a belief in people's potential. We encourage people to see life as a process of becoming. ("What, if any, help would you like?" "How would you like to deal with this situation now?" "Let me check out where you are on this issue now." "Give it a try and let's see how it goes this time!" Etc.)
Exploring
When we avoid stepping in and taking care of things that people need to learn to deal with for themselves, we encourage them to discover and develop their capabilities. We allow them to take acceptable risks and attempt new things in order to have experiences to learn from. Instead of doing their thinking for them and explaining what happened, what caused it to happen, and what they should do differently, we explore these questions with them so that they develop their own understanding. Instead of emphasizing what happened, we emphasize what was learned from experience. It has been said that "Teaching consists of causing or allowing people to get into situations from which they cannot escape except through thinking."
Inviting/Encouraging
When we see people as capable, we show respect for their need to learn to plan and organize tasks and participate in problems solving. We encourage them to think things through and invite their contributions and/or assistance in getting things done. We show tolerance and appreciation for ideas other than our own because we know that contributions foster commitment and cooperation. Instead of telling people what to do, we explore their ideas and plans for getting something done. Instead of seeing children as objects we control, we see them as resourceful people we value.
Celebrating
When we see potential as possibilities waiting to be discovered rather than requirements for what people should or shouldn't be already, we help create a safe climate for risking growth and learning. We are alert for any signs of progress and respond to them with genuine enthusiasm. Effort and improvement are treated as more valuable than success or failure and we tend to emphasize more effective and less effective ways to do things rather than the absolutes of right way and wrong way whenever possible. Children become more willing to participate in discussions and face challenges when they believe that effort and improvement will be appreciated and celebrated.
Respecting
When we avoid stereotypes about gender, race, age, etc. and see each person as a unique individual worthy of the same respect and consideration that we expect for ourselves, we encourage collaboration and understanding. We show tolerance for, and interest in, diverse ways of thinking, feeling, and acting. Instead of arguing over whose perception is "right", or discounting people for not seeing things the way they "should", we acknowledge that it is often possible that both perceptions are valid and then explore mutually respectful possibilities. Children show trust in the communication process and are more likely to respond to adults as mentors and role models when they believe that they will not be judged, discounted, or humiliated for their perceptions.
Assuming
Thinking you know what others will think, what they will do, how they will feel or act, how they will respond to challenges and/or situations, or what they can or cannot accomplish, and then dealing with them accordingly. ("I didn't tell you about it because you always get upset." "You never think that I ________." "You are too little to __________."). While it is important to have positive expectations about people's ability to learn and grown, those that limit or discount are barriers.
Rescuing/Explaining
Stepping in to take care of a problem or issue before a person has had a chance to experience it or attempt to work it out for him/herself. Setting aside logical or natural consequences so that people can't learn accountability. Providing explanations for people so that they do not learn to think things through and develop explanations of their own.
Directing
Taking too much responsibility for deciding what needs to be done and then telling others what to do. Issuing arbitrary orders when the consequences don't justify it. Having an overly controlling attitude and treating people as objects to be moved about at your pleasure. Demanding compliance rather than inviting assistance.
Expecting
Using the potential that you see in people as a standard by which to judge them and their performance in the present and then faulting them for falling short of your expectations. "Shoulding" on people for their less-than-perfect performance. Demanding "too much, too soon" so that people become discouraged and/or refuse to try for fear they will fail, do things poorly, or look bad. Emphasizing the outcome as good or bad, right or wrong rather than what was gain from the attempt.
--Isming
It has been said that "Isms" are the viruses that destroy human society. In medicine, chronic degenerative conditions are often called "ism" (alcoholism, astigmatism, etc.). In human relationships, "diseases" of intolerance are often called "isms" (racism, sexism, judgementalism, hedonism, etc.). Whenever we judge people as being less worthy of respect because they are different from ourselves, we commit an "ism". Whenever an adults (who was once a child) forgets what it is like to be a child and then criticizes or discounts a child (who has never been an adult) for not thinking, seeing, acting, doing, feeling, or responding as an adults, we call it an "adultism".