51. Limping. Cody writes that the crew is “limping along by the seat of our pants.” He says he doesn’t feel present, like “he’s somewhere else and watching this strange movie.” He says that he wishes he knew how their trip would end—whether they’d make it or not. If they knew they’d land, he could relax, and if he knew they weren’t, then they could stop wasting time trying to fix things, and do something important, but he doesn’t know what that would be.
Cody is gripped by despair—the chaos of the ocean threatening his life, seems almost unreal as the looming possibility of his death is hard to fathom. If he could simply know the outcome—whether he’d live or die—then he could maybe decide how to act, and feel at least a bit more stable.