Self-Portraits: Self/Witness, Self/Perception, Self/Archive

(November 16 - December 2, 2023)

Research questions:

• How do I perceive myself internally and externally? How do others perceive me through my recorded movement?

• What thoughts arise while doing repetitive "mindless" tasks, such as walking? How does this compare to how my mind works while improvising for a camera and translating my thoughts into movement? 

• How does recording and reflecting on short-form improvisation practice help me track my emotions, thought patterns, and repetitive habits/motifs?

After returning from 2 weeks of dance research and training in Ghana, we returned to our studios in New London, CT to turn our findings into a performance. One exercise we experimented with was "witness circles," in which we would kneel in a circle and take turns entering the circle, closing our eyes, and improvising for as long as we felt. Those witnessing the dancer in the center would make sure to move the circle as the dancer moved, keeping a unified bond throughout. 

We performed with live drummers in front of a live audience, and we discussed before the show how we would preserve the authenticity and sanctity of the circle without feeling like we needed to perform for others. As we rehearsed with just the cast, we developed a strong bond and trust - a sisterhood - that empowered us at our most vulnerable moments of improvisation.

Task: Play whichever song was stuck in my head. Set up camera in my bedroom so that I can't see the viewfinder. Step back and improvise for about a minute or until I am ready to finish. Turn off camera and immediately start journaling about my thoughts and feelings that arose during the improvisation. Next, watch the video and reflect upon what thoughts, feelings, or ideas come up from witnessing the translation of my thoughts into movement.

Context: I was initially interested in researching internal versus external perception of character through observing improvised movement, and this seed grew to cover several other branches of perception and identity as the work developed. For my first two improvisation sessions, I sent the recordings to one of my best friends and my sister and asked them to write back what they saw. This increased feelings of vulnerability and fear of judgment even though they are both people who I trust entirely. Their notes were interesting to observe but felt detached from the project. After reflecting on my procedure and digging more into my research question, 

Challenges: I struggled with feelings of shame, guilt, and fear of appearing narcissistic, even though I was not publicizing my videos to anyone but those who see it at submission. As much as I have come to love improvisation practice over the years, it is still a very vulnerable and terrifying form of embodiment for me. I cannot hide behind a specific technique or a choreographer's vision. I am presenting myself as I am in that specific moment of time. I appreciate the privilege of being able to watch myself move, as it is an incredible tool to mark my progress and observe evolutions of my individual movement language that I otherwise would not witness in the same way. I can feel how my movement has changed over time, but as a visual artist and performer, I find it very powerful and humbling to be able to watch myself. Nonetheless, I still grappled with feeling ashamed, which I believe may arise from past situations involving my self-esteem, how I have been perceived as a dancer (or not), and the embodied traumas that can be released through movement. I researched somatic psychology and mind-body therapy to learn more about the emotional and physical release that can occur when the mind and body work together. 

Findings: This iteration of my improvisation practice came to an close in early December, when I caught a cold and did not feel well enough to move. However, this felt like a natural stopping point for other reasons as I started to see the larger picture of my research. Inadvertently, in the two week period of this focused practice, I tracked myself from a period of elation and gratitude about life that slowly dove down into the depths of an anxiety-induced panic attack. The comedown from this emotional swing was exhausting, mentally and physically, and it is interesting to track how my body responded to the emotional exhaustion of coping with anxiety episodes. 

I also found it fascinating to note which movements habitually recurred throughout several days of improvisation. Some in particular that I noted were caressing my face, fixing/touching my hair before improvising, and miming chest compressions or heart beats. I connected the visual of touching my hand to my cheek to a specific incident that occurred earlier in term, when I processed the comfort and harm that can come from a gentle caress or sharp strike. Touching my hair compulsively after hitting record and walking to an open space was a habit I did not notice until I rewatched the videos. Even though I tried to create a safe space in my room where I did not feel judged nor feel pressured to perform a certain aesthetic, the knowledge that I was documenting this vulnerable moment subconsciously made me perform a repetitive comforting motion-fixing my hair-before diving into the vulnerability.

Note to viewers:

Welcome into my space: my bedroom, my safe haven, my place of comfort and release. You are welcome to watch my improvisation videos, take notes of what you see or how it makes you feel, then compare your findings to my journal reflections. You are also invited to practice this task on your own. What will you discover about yourself?

November 16: 

Song: Would That I - Hozier

November 20

Song: UNTZ UNTZ - INJI

November 22

Song: Lover -Taylor Swift

November 23

Song: Willow -Taylor Swift

November 24

Song: Take Me Home (Country Roads) - John Denver

November 25

Song: exile (feat. Bon Iver) - Taylor Swift

November 26

Song: Feet Don't Fail Me Now - Joy Crookes

November 27 

Song: Million Years Ago - Adele

November 28

Song: TRASTEVERE - Måneskin 

November 30

Song: Dumebi - Rema

December 2

Song: Koroba - Tiwa Savage