SONG LIST:
Naughty
When I Grow Up
This Little Girl
The Hammer
TRUNCHBULL
(to MISS HONEY)
Sit.
(MISS HONEY sits.)
Miss Honey, you believe in kindness and fluffiness and books and stories. That is not teaching! To teach the child, we must first break the child.
(She blows a whistle. The KIDS march on, stop, silent. Pause.)
Quiet you maggots!!!
MISS HONEY
But no one was speaking, Miss Trunchbull.
TRUNCHBULL
Miss Honey, when I say 'Quiet, you maggots', you are entirely included in that statement. Where is my jug of water?
LAVENDER
I'll get it Miss Trunchbull.
(LAVENDER gets up. She is hugely excited. She cannot help but give the audience a huge
thumbs-up as she goes.)
TRUNCHBULL
Stupid girl.
(to the others)
Look at you. Flabby! Disgusting! Revolting! Revolting, I say! I think it's time we toughened you all up with a little... Phys-ed.
END
MISS HONEY
I'm not strong like you, Matilda. My father died when I was young. Magnus was his name and he was very kind. But when he was gone, my aunt became my legal guardian. She was mean and cruel like you can hardly imagine. And then, when I got my job as a teacher, she presented me with a bill for looking after me all those years. And she made me sign a contract to pay her back every penny. She even produced a document that said my father had given her his entire house.
END
MRS. WORMWOOD
Who is it?
MISS HONEY
Oh, yes, um, hello, my name is Miss Honey. Matilda's teacher?
MRS. WORMWOOD
Bit busy right now...
MISS HONEY
It will only take a moment.
MRS. WORMWOOD
Oh, well, come in if you must.
(inviting MISS HONEY inside)
This is Rudolpho, he's my dance partner. We're rehearsing.
RUDOLPHO
Ciao (chow).
MISS HONEY
Ah, parle Italiano? Bene.
(beat)
What?
RUDOLPHO
(to MRS. WORMWOOD)
Who is this, babe? You know what interruptions do to my energy flow.
MRS. WORMWOOD
What do you want, Miss Chutney?
MISS HONEY
It's Miss Honey. Well, as you know Matilda is in the bottom class and children in the bottom class aren't really expected to read-
MRS. WORMWOOD
Well stop her reading then. Lord knows we've tried.
RUDOLPHO
(dancing)
I'm in the zone, doll. I can feel it in my hips. Don't waste this.
MRS. WORMWOOD
I'm not in favor of girls getting all clever pants, Miss Hussey. Looks are more important than books. Now, look at you, look at me. You chose books, I chose looks. Good day.
END
MRS. PHELPS
What? Is there a child at school who's behaving like a bully?
MATILDA
Not a child exactly. Do you want to hear the next part of the story?
MRS. PHELPS
What are we waiting for?
MATILDA
As they prepared themselves for the most dangerous feat that had ever been performed, the Acrobat gave her husband a kiss-
ACROBAT
Smile - we have done this a thousand times.
ESCAPOLOGIST
First I escape from the cage, lean out, catch you with one hand, grab a fire extinguisher with the other, and put out the flames on your specially designed dress before they reach the dynamite and blow your head off!
MRS. PHELPS
(screams)
Ahhhhhhh!
(beat)
Sorry. Go on.
MATILDA
The trick started well. The moment the dress was set alight, the Acrobat swung into the air. She hurled over the sharks and spiky objects - suddenly the padlocks pinged open and the huge chains fell away - the door flung open and the Escapologist reached out to catch his wife and the child-
MRS. PHELPS
Oh, I can't look!
END
SIDE 1
LAVENDER
Matilda, do all those brains in your head give you a headache? I mean it's got to hurt, all squished in there.
MATILDA
No, it's fine. I think they just... fit.
LAVENDER
Well, I'd better hang around just in case they start to squeeze out of your ears. I'm Lavender. And I think it's probably for the best if we're best friends.
(LAVENDER holds her hand out. They shake. NIGEL enters, panicked.)
NIGEL
Hide me! Someone poured a whole can of treacle onto Trunchbull's chair! Someone told her I did it and now she's after me!
MATILDA
That's not fair!
BIG KID 2
Once Agatha Trunchbull decides you're guilty you are squished.
MR. WORMWOOD
Everyone, gather round; I want my family to share in my triumph.
(to MATILDA)
Not you, boy.
MATILDA
I'm a girl!
(MATILDA hovers, uninvited.)
MR. WORMWOOD
One hundred and fifty-five old bangers on my hands. How could I possibly make the mileage go back? I couldn't very well drive each one backwards could I?
MICHAEL
Backwards.
MR. WORMWOOD
When suddenly I had the most genius idea in the world! I grabbed a drill and, using my incredible mind, I attached the drill to the speedometer of the first car, turned it on and whacked it into reverse.
MICHAEL
Back... wards.
MR. WORMWOOD
Exactly! Within a few minutes I had reduced the mileage to practically nothing.
MICHAEL
Backwards!
MR. WORMWOOD
Ten minutes later the Russians show up. Expensive suits, dark glasses-
MRS. WORMWOOD
Russians are nocturnal; I saw it on a program last night.
MATILDA
That was a program about badgers.
Script 7 - Trunchbull, Bruce, Miss Honey, Matilda
(TRUNCHBULL)
Well?
(They have no idea what she means.)
Come along, Bogtrotter.
BRUCE
What? Where?
TRUNCHBULL
Oh, did I not mention? That was the first part of your punishment. There's more. The second part. And the second part is... chokey!
BRUCE
What?
MISS HONEY
No, Miss Trunchbull please, you can't!
TRUNCHBULL
Do you think I would allow myself to be defeated by these maggots? Did you? Who do you think I am, Miss Honey? A weakling? An idiot? You?
(The TRUNCHBULL storms back to BRUCE and grabs him by the wrist.)
BRUCE
No, please! Not that! Don't take me to chokey. Not that! Nooo!
(The TRUNCHBULL drags BRUCE out.)
MATILDA
That's not right!