A BLOG OF THOUGHTS

If you want to set a boundary, go to p. 43; If you want to isolate, go to p. 49

Therapy can look like a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure-Book. Based on our conversations, your goals, your past, your personality, I’ll share with you some ideas, markers and options - then, depending on your choices, you get to see how it unfolds. You’re the main character and I’m tagging along, reacting to your life and guiding you based knowledge and experience.

Choose on,

Daniel

On personal growth

It is hard to say no to yourself

From your child’s perspective

It is common sense to do the same

As your adult self

When you leave behind

the reasons you had to limit yourself

You’re set to embrace the fact

that you can live your life.

Live on,

Daniel

Aggression. Rawr.

A burning sensation of ice rushing through the chest and neck. A deep growl weighing heavy in the abdomen. A rough stone of pain and passion caught in the throat. Moistening skin and tensing up. A rush of energy. What do you think about your anger? An internal working model chimes in: Is it unsafe to be angry? Are you allowed the emotion? Will you lose control and cause damage? Can good people have aggression?

Aggression isn't the problem. Mammals and other animals rely on aggression to survive and humans are not an exception. However, to live peacefully, babies and children are socialized to not overtly demonstrate aggression. In some instances, parents will teach and model healthy ways to discharge aggression: physical exercise, talking, breathing and mindfulness, singing, dancing, art, etc. In other instances, babies and children are reprimanded, shamed, shunned or worse for experiencing anger. Anger becomes dangerous for them.

The Mycorrhizal People

~~~~~~~~~

The People Who Couldn't Harm Each Other

Because they couldn't harm each other, they did not feel the type of fear humans can hold for each other. They felt safe around each other. Intimidation, threats of violence, violence against one another wasn't a possibility - just as it impossible for a cow to pollinate flowers, a Mycorrhizal Person wouldn't endanger another. Despite that character trait, they still felt and experienced aggression... but their experience of it differed significantly from ours. For the Mycorrhizal People, aggression was a discomfort they experienced as reminder to attend to an unmet need of theirs - not a call to arms. The more urgent the need, the greater the intensity of the sensations. The Mycorrhizal People knew that most needs are answered by themselves, and so when they felt aggression, they would pause to reflect upon what need was pushing for some attention and then proceeded to fulfill the need. However, the Mycorrhizal People also knew that some needs couldn't be fulfilled by themselves. In such cases, they would enlist the help of others, explaining what they needed and how others could be of service. Help was always available, as the Mycorrhizal People knew that they needed to assist others for them to remain functional and strong to ensure reciprocity. Working as one, their connection was their strength.

Connect on,

Daniel

Change

Individuals have all sorts of reasons to promote change: to progress, to appease, or change for the sake of change...

Depending on what we are trying to change, it can happen naturally with a certain level of effort. But in some circumstances, change seems impossible. Here's where this perspective comes in.

Larry Heller and Aline LaPierre wrote about an interesting paradox:

The more we try to change ourselves, the more we prevent change from happening. On the other hand, the more we allow ourselves to fully experience who we are, the greater the possibility of change... The orientation is one of working with what is, rather than with how we want things to be. (Healing Developmental Trauma, p. 223).

Trying to not change doesn’t mean inactivity. Au contraire. The willing client is actively reminding themselves of how they objectively want to, need to, and will be. It means they actively accept themselves and while trying to let go of their defences. One. Opportunity. At. A. Time. People make thousands of decisions throughout a day and THERE are your opportunities for growth (ah-hum... change). Yes, your brain changes. But not that fast. The brains capacity for change is called neuroplasticity.

A willing client doesn’t have to see this process as a painful project of self-deprivation and agony, requiring months or years of self-pity. Personal growth, although painful at times, often leads to a more fulfilling life. When the project of self development is not very appealing, there is a reason for it: perhaps a person doesn't know where or how to start; perhaps because they must climb out of a deficit, before seeing the benefits, perhaps something else. However, once someone gets their feet under themselves, they can start to enjoy pushing their limits - in all spheres and directions - without overextending their self respect. Keep in mind that personal development doesn’t end at a certain point. No set finish line - as long as someone is conscious, they can grow. Humans have thoughts throughout their entire lives. Some will be sheer bliss others will be sheer agony, but most thoughts are somewhere in between. Although a human's stream of consciousness occurs everyday of their live, a willing client can become selective and wiser than themselves. Let's call that metacognition.

Someone can choose to watch themselves live their life impulsively reacting to their thoughts, urges and emotions. Alternatively, that same person could choose to selectively react to their natural your flow, rather than against it: Accepting self and working with one's self VS self loathing and agony trying to change one's nature.

You’re not changing yourself, you’re changing how you think about yourself. Put differently, you’re abandoning hating the parts of you dislike.

Be on,

Daniel

A Chinese civil servant born in 599CE, Wang Wei, wrote poetry throughout his life which ended in 659CE. A theme that emerged in his poetry later in his life was his contradictory desires for a life focused on bureaucracy, which included working within the local government and participating in the rat race of his day, and then his yearning for seclusion, Buddhism and meditation.

He wrote this:

This dilemma I hear about frequently from clients. There is something very comforting for me in knowing that past civilizations struggled with the same desires and urges as we do today.

The last verses of the poem offer a simple recipe for contentment and remind us that our instinct whispers in our mind's ears. Wang Wei, a wise aristocrat poet, also indicates that meaning in life lies in finding your true self and living in harmony with your identity. Although the poet identifies a trade (fisherman) as a guiding force, a guiding force is not always a marketable commodity. A friend, an artist, a student, a parent, a volunteer... we can all find our song in life.

Sing on,

Daniel

A big part of psychotherapy is asking yourself questions (tough ones at that) about your life, your self, the characters that appear in your day to day and how you relate to the events, things and persons that occupy a place in your life.

Where can you look for answers?

A lot of you answers come from within: your resources, your past, your goals, your values, spirituality and your emotions. But what if you're looking for something different in an effort to expand your experience? Well, what about finding role models or anti-role models and inspiring yourself through friends, literature, media or support groups? Want to think outside the box? Look to nature, animals, a different type of spirituality, philosophy, history and art for novel ideas on how to understand, reframe and engage with life differently.

We can feel stuck because we are... stuck in our old ways with little faith that we can do things differently for ourselves.

Focus on,

Daniel

A Mindful Walk Meditation

Take a walk with the intent to relax and release tension in your muscles. When I talk about tension, I'm referring to the semi-contracted state of a muscle/muscle group.

As you walk, and starting from the top, find a muscle group that’s tense. For instance, is the back of your head, or your neck, or your cheeks, or forehead, jaw, tongue, throat, etc, tense? Slowly breath in and as you walk, focus on disengaging the contraction in your muscles - I find it helpful to imagine that I'm letting gravity pull on my muscles. Let the tension go, allowing your muscles to be soft and loose. You don’t need all this tension at the moment. Once that muscle group is relaxed and at rest, move to the next possible tension spot and repeat the process of breathing and letting go the accumulated tension. Continue breathing as you scan your body and walk about. Release your tension, find calm. Try to maintain this state of breathing and minimal tension.

Next, I'll invite you to focus on the muscles you are using to walk. Notice how much muscular contraction you're using to stay upright - are you using too much? Notice what it's like to increase the tension in the activated muscles (the ones needed to walk). Then try the opposite: release as much tension as you can (without falling over, of course). Notice your gait and your posture. Be curious, are you over using a muscle... are you under using another? Are you physically compensating somehow - are you leaning forward, to the side? Are you slouching or slumped? Are your shoulders up, protecting your head or face? Adjust your body to walk in an anatomically correct way. Ensure your head softly looking straight ahead. Pull yourself as tall as you can. Swing your arms. Walk. Not sure what that means? https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-walk#what-not-to-do

Once you’ve reached a comfortable stride, note the experience. Remind yourself or teach yourself that this state is calmness. It doesn't have to be feared, it doesn't need to be avoided. This is rest, this is calm. This is calm and once you feel it (or think you feel it), stand tall, stand proud, finding a nice posture. After deep breath and you can tell yourself: "This is me."

Walk on,

Daniel