You know it’s important to praise kids. But it’s even more meaningful for kids to learn to appreciate their own efforts. Self-esteem comes from working hard toward a goal and feeling good about it. So when kids see that their hard work is paying off, it helps them develop the ability to self-praise. What you say — and how you say it — can help kids to recognize things that they should be proud of.

• Praising effort — even when kids don’t meet their goals — can help build self-esteem.

• It helps to ask kids to explain what they did that led to success.

• Being specific about what you expect can help kids match their actions to expectations.

Overemphasizing the notion of significant loss throughout the pandemic could possibly have a negative impact on younger adolescents in middle school. In a New York Times article, “How to Help Your Adolescent Think About the Last Year” from April 11, 2021, Judith Warner contends that rather than calling it a “lost year,” parents should reset their own thinking and praise their children for demonstrating flexibility and resilience. Compiling feedback and information from a range of experts in adolescent development, Ms. Warner stresses some key points:

• The need to move away from the narrative of the “lost year”

• Scientific knowledge supports the idea that the plasticity of an adolescent’s brain actually sets them up for adaptability and resilience

• Linking events and feelings about the last year’s challenges to praise for students’ ability to exhibit adaptive skills will provide a positive sense of self

There are all types of disappointments that children and adults are experiencing. Each child will process and feel these disappointments differently.

It is crucial to listen to your child’s concerns and validate how they are feeling. In doing so, be mindful to not judge their reactions. Response to certain missed activities or experiences can be their way of dealing with the bigger feelings, such as fear or sadness over the crisis in general. Reassure your child you are there to support them and that you are proud of them for how they are handling this crisis.

Providing your child with perspective can help your child see past the black and white. Avoid providing your child with too much information that may cause or increase anxiety and providing them with false reassurances. Instead explain that although we do not know when this will end, that the current situation will change- you will see friends again and participate in activities. It may even be helpful to share your own experiences in handling change and uncertainty and how you overcame it.

Work with your child to seek solutions. Although they may not be having their birthday party in the same way or be participating on a sports team, encourage solutions and have them work with you to create them.

Give your children a sense of control in a time where most things are out of their control. Have them plan out their day and involve them in the daily tasks and schedules to help give them a sense of importance and control. Talk to them about coping skills and highlight those they are already utilizing an help them brainstorm others.

Although the level of disappointment everyone has had to experience is larger than usual, it is important to remember that children need to learn to cope with disappointment. It is helpful to remind children of other times they have been able to overcome disappointment and how that worked out. The message to remember to reiterate is: “I think you can handle this. I know it is really hard, but you got this.”