Follow an interview with an anonymous GPHS student about their experience living with C-PTSD and how it has impacted their life and education with this monthly Mental Health Column. Scroll to the bottom for an opportunity to share your mental illness/neurodivergent experience for our upcoming issues.
We all have beautiful stories. This is one of them. Everyone's experiences are different, but your feelings are valid. You are strong, amazing, and a person with an interesting story, no matter what it may be.
Disclaimer: This article discusses sensitive information regarding mental health that some people may not feel comfortable with reading. Statements made in this article may trigger those faced with the same challenges. However, the goal of this article is to help those who may be struggling.
C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) is something I don’t think a lot of people know about, nor have a good understanding of. I think it’s important to at least know the effects of C-PTSD because many people probably unknowingly have it and are unaware, which can lead to guilt and frustration for not functioning at levels as high as other people without it.
Unfortunately, I have not been diagnosed. I do understand the harm in self-diagnosis, but I’ve talked to a lot of other people who have had it diagnosed who agree with me that I suffer from it. I’ve experienced intense symptoms, and have an *ACE score of a whopping 8.
As much as I believe in the importance of getting diagnosed, I hope the people reading this can understand the lack of accessibility in getting a clinical diagnosis for mental illness. My family has financial issues and one of my parents does not believe in mental illness-- something I’m sure a LOT of students can sadly relate to. Luckily, I have a good support system and access to mental-health resources, so I'm doing just fine, but a diagnosis is just not an option for me at this point in my life, but hopefully in the future :).
I have auditory-processing issues because of my trauma, so I need to watch subtitles with everything. Otherwise, I can’t comprehend what people are saying. It seems small, but it can be incredibly frustrating when I’m just trying to enjoy a movie with my friends or pay attention during online class. Additionally, I have a lot of trouble falling asleep. It takes me at least 45 minutes most nights. I have frequent random spouts of paranoia and/or hostility almost spontaneously over small things-- which you think would just be teen hormones or me being dramatic, but I’m a very bubbly person who hates being mean to others for any reason and almost always feel deeply regretful during and after I lash out. It’s like I can’t control myself in the moment. Even if I do rightfully get angry over something, I have intense guilt over getting angry ever. My C-PTSD has also made it so I can barely remember anything from before 2 years ago (excluding the random flashbacks I get) and, as a result, I also have a really bad memory. There’s a lot more, but this is just the stuff I can think of right now. I have bad days, and I have good days. It's overall just an exhausting thing to live with.
I would lack energy due to sleep deprivation sometimes, and I could experience sensory overload or hyperarousal, which would make me really tense and visibly frustrated. That sometimes impacted my relationships with my classmates and teachers. More times than not, I would have to ground myself by spending my entire lunch time alone in the library doing something I enjoy to calm myself down, which made my friends worried that I was avoiding them.
I remember a few times when my teachers showed or talked in depth about graphic content that would trigger my trauma (like suddenly going in depth about gorey injuries or start yelling or slamming things, the latter usually just as a joke) and I would have to attempt to try to walk out of the classroom as non-disruptively as I could, while being on the verge a complete meltdown. I usually just sit in the bathroom and let it pass until I feel better. There was a time when a teacher didn’t allow me to leave and I passed out after hyperventilating and had to be carried out of the class, luckily that experience wasn’t at GPHS.
Something else to mention: I can't take classes like Emergency-Care and suffered a lot through the drug portion of the required Basic Health class, due to the graphic conversations and imagery. This made getting the health credits I needed a lot harder and more limited in options.
Honestly, the online format has really helped me in regards to being able to get enough sleep. The only issue I’ve run into really is when teachers don’t give content warnings for potential graphic conversations or aggressive behaviors that could set off my trauma response, but that’s not an issue exclusive to online-school. Something that makes it harder is my auditory-processing issues-- long lectures can be hard on me sometimes. The isolation and impersonal learning-style of online style can also make it easier for me to get stuck in my own head and heighten my paranoia and intrusive thoughts.
Back when it was at its peak, I actually had to drop out of school for a semester. I did online school because of how bad my nightmares, night terrors, and sleep paralysis were getting. I didn’t sleep most nights, due to being jerked awake every other hour, but when I did I would get 3 hours of sleep tops. I would be really irritated and lack the energy to do anything throughout the day. My fragile-emotional state made me more vulnerable to other mood disorders like depression, panic disorder, and eating disorders.
The semester that I was there for that year was awful. Teachers and other students would regularly comment and harass me on how many days I was missing and my general lack of attentiveness in class, but in increasingly more aggressive ways that just degraded me and made me feel even more guilty for my lack of control in my emotional and physical state. I remember one time a teacher told me, “You have to turn this in-- that is, if you ever even show up again after today” and laughed. I had heard a lot of similar comments to this throughout my duration of that year, but that was the one to make me feel the most alone.
I don't think I got "better" as much as I had to grow up at an alarming rate to take charge of my life until I found accessible mental health resources and developed healthy relationships with others. God, I wish I could give you some uplifting, cure-all reason on how to overcome the bad episodes of mental illness, but I think as much as it's important to acknowledge that the bad phases will pass in time with the help of healthy coping mechanisms, it's also important to see that not every kid was/is lucky enough to be able to do that, and that's why accessible mental health resources and healthy support systems are excruciatingly integral at any point in a kid's life and should always be freely provided.
I was able to finally separate myself from the traumatic environment I grew up in a few years ago and surround myself with people who genuinely care about me, so a lot of my ability to cope with my C-PTSD now stems from a place of privilege of being able to do those things in the first place-- not everyone can, and that’s a really unfair and cruel reality for a lot of people who deserve infinitely better.
In terms of personal ways of coping, I try to ground myself as much as possible. Usually, that means distracting myself with things I love (obviously, my ways of coping will differ from others). When I feel really bad, I tend to blast ridiculous songs. I mean, don’t underestimate my ability to cry to “Big and Chunky” by Will.i.am, but I found that disconnecting myself from the intensity of my symptoms or the present moment really helps me personally. I also tend to use video games and TV shows as a form of escapism sometimes--which I’ve, admittedly, had to learn to do in moderation. It's taken a while, but I did re-learn how to trust others and be emotionally vulnerable.
People tend to have this view on trauma being exclusive to natural disasters or war, and while those are very real and valid ways of developing trauma, that's not the only way. It can actually be a lot more complex, and can also be a result of extensive and long cycles of consistent traumatic events-- that's where the difference of C-PTSD compared to PTSD comes in.
Also, I found that a lot of people carry the idea that "triggers" are annoying and something to be mocked. As someone with very real trauma and multiple experiences of passing out in professional settings due to no prior content warnings before graphic discussions/imagery, I can tell you now I do not choose to publicly humiliate myself for the sake of attention--heck, half the time I just endure triggering discussions as best I can because there's so much stigma behind being perceived as "sensitive" (this always ends badly). I very much would love to not react strongly to the topics I do, but there is a difference between living through something and never having to. All I can ask readers is to try to empathize and respect those who do have triggers by giving content warnings before graphic conversations.
Here’s the weird thing about my (and plenty of others, I’m sure) personal experience with mental illness-- I can’t remember a time before I struggled with it. So I don’t really know to accurately dissect the differences between me, someone with C-PTSD, and compare it to someone who doesn’t have C-PTSD because of how ingrained it is into my daily functioning. Up until recently, when I did have a shortcoming or was dysfunctional in some aspect of my life, I just assumed that it’s a personal shortcoming unrelated to a potential mental disorder. This thought-process was reinforced by the adults around me who would dismiss my symptoms as “hormonal” or “being lazy” or “because of my phone” which has damaged my self-esteem to this day. Just know that if you're in the boat as me, you're not alone. It's sad how dismissive adults can be of mental illness.
I’m still learning to be more forgiving of myself. So for anyone reading this, I hope you can learn to be more forgiving of yourself for any of the ways you differ from someone who doesn't have mental illness. Don’t let people tell you that you are less than because you struggle, and absolutely don't let others dictate if and when you need help. If you need help, reach out. You know yourself better than anyone.
Grants Pass High School Has Licensed Therapists:
Kris Stuart- Mental Health Counselor
Mr. Baxter - Options Specialist Counselor
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Hotline:
US: Text HOME to 741741 to be connected with a Crisis Counselor
They are there to help. If you need it please ask. You do not have to fight this battle alone.
Living With...
